I just cannot smile properly~*

 I changed the layout because I have been in a whitish-greyish-bluish-chilly mood recently. 
(intensified by Nouvelle Vague's sensual vocals looping since night fell)
Anyway, I've also run out of creative blog titles... (actually, it's not a big deal.)

Ransacked through folders of messy stuff.
I'm very disorganized and lazy.
And I happened to find some photos that are, well, snippets of my life here and there.
Can't really put them in a coherent manner since I've lost track of time already heh.
But well, decided to put some here for me to reminisce when I'm in a nostalgic mood. :)

eco friendly soup spoon outlet at changi city point. 

love of my life. don't be deceived by its appearance

pretty deco at this tw-ish restaurant tt my colleagues and I visited
during internship. It's the entire wall, btw.
oh, and that's wj's hand haha

monstrosity that tj ordered and we all had to stuff down.
it was crazy, but the mango cubes were so freaking yummy!

:)

vietnam coffee at vivo!
Tasted so good! and there's Mr Z's nose heh. 

Light Festival @ Marina Bay
This particular light show was really funky and cute. :D

bat-man-ish spotlights
check out the pretty art sci musuem! Beautiful scenery projected on it :) 

reminds me of 'The Ring' for some odd reason

bahasa indo! tako's in the pic too HAHAHA. 

Don't know why I've got such a bizarre expression.
This pic is just to show you that we're BAREFOOT.

Anyway, looking at the group photo, I realized that if Harker and Keltner's 'Yearbook' study is indeed true, then 30 years from now my life is going to be like shit. 

The funny thing is, during the first few months after I got braces, I'd smiled widely and seemingly confidently showing my 'metal teeth'.

But now, I'm back to my 'jasmine-got-teeth-meh?' smile. 

 

Indeed. 

My smile is my greatest weakness.

In a manner of speaking ~ Nouvelle Vague~*

In a manner of speaking

Semantics won't do

In this life that we live we only make do

And the way that we feel

Might have to be sacrified

So in a manner of speaking

I just want to say

That just like you, I should find a way

To tell you everything

By saying nothing.

Oh, I love, love, love it...
her voice, the music, the lyrics, everything.

She Brings The Rain~*

when you just sit and close your eyes
and drift away...

Let it GO~*

credit

It's undeniable. I screwed it up. 

I don't know what happened but I just did. 

Now, I'm dreading the results so much that the very thought of it makes me want to throw up. 

We'll see. 

Prepare for a bungee jump, dear CAP (not a reverse bungee, sorry). 

On a lighter note, exam's over.

And it's goodbye to my 3rd year and hello to the 4th year. 

Erm, is that a 'lighter' note in any way?

Anyhow, I made a promise to myself that I'm going to try to be as OPTIMISTIC as possible.

and so, looking at things OPTIMISTICALLY,

I can still file for graduation and forgo my honours year (........................)

and,

the way things are turning out may hold some deeper meaning for me. 

Let go. 

You see, 

maybe it's a way of letting me know that life is more than just grades and education.

to teach me to look within for the real purpose in life... (that I shouldn't place all my self-worth and self-esteem on a number)

raison d'etre

Maybe it's a way of relieving me of some burden that I've been holding on very tightly 

must excel, must achieve, must be capable... 

and to let me know that I can still survive that drop. 

that I'm actually not that good after all.

that I'm only human.

In a way, it sucks (OF COURSE IT DOES!)

but looking at it from another angle, it can act as a motivator to propel you forth. 

Like, to work 10x harder for the remaining time in uni... or something like that.

But who am I kidding,

I know I'm going to ruminate and ruminate and ruminate. 

and then ironic rebound effect and the distress and all sorts of nonsense will kick in and make me feel like crawling under the covers and never coming out....

but before that, please, please let me distance myself from this for the time being. 

So, again the same rule applies.

NO MENTIONING OF ANYTHING TO DO WITH EXAMS. 

BE OPTIMISTIC, JASMINE.

The Heart~*

Approximately 2am last night (this morning?),
I had a rather important realization.

It was so quiet and still.

You know, moments like this are the best for introspection and reflection.

And so, lying on my bed, with nothing better to do, I tried to magnify all that's going on around me.

I felt my heart beat.

Vaguely, but certainly, it was beating alright.

Then suddenly, it all came to me.

Life can slap you with whatever nonsense;
you can screw up your life like nobody's business;
you can fall into the ditch;
things can go awfully wrong in your life;
people can let you down in various ways,

one thing that's for sure - your heart still beats.

Quietly but powerfully, it beats; it contracts and expands; pumping blood through your body; keeping you alive.

The tangible can come and go; people can come and go; disappointments abundant; dreams dashed; sadness overwhelms; frustrations aplenty...

but the heart still beats.


here I am, constantly whining and lamenting and whining and lamenting, belittling life, questioning my reason for existence...
but the heart still beats, trying so hard to keep this incredibly ungrateful person alive.


not just the heart, but the lungs, the kidneys, the intestines, the eyes, the liver......

everything in perfect synchronicity
to keep me alive.


on the day when I die, this is probably what my heart wants to tell me.

"Hey there,

I've tried my best already. I hope you have, too." 

Taken for granted.
Very, very unappreciated.

I'm guilty.

So the only way is to work in synchronicity with them.
to live.

Bahasa Indonesia cultural night~*



bahasa indonesia girls (psych peeps)

Traditional costumes of South Sulawesi (Indonesia) + dear SL
I can't help but post this up here (it got me laughing my head off during the time when I'm very stressed up. So it'll be good to come here to stare at this and laugh -> remedy for excessive stress)

I think I look ridiculous. No offence to the costumes cos they're pretty. It's just the person modelling in it.
Anyway, we're finally done with bahasa indonesia.
Like what wq said, we should really go and celebrate.

Because I don't know~*

Lover, n
...

There is no word for the recipient of the love.
There is only a word for the giver.
There is the assumption that lovers come in pairs.

When I say, Be my lover, I don't mean, Let's have an affair.
I don't mean, Sleep with me. I don't mean, Be my secret.

I want us to go back down to that root.
I want you to be the one who loves me.
I want to be the one who loves you.

- 'The Lover's Dictionary' by David Levithan


Aww...
This book is slowly engulfing me. Not in the dark way, of course.
So are reports and tests and readings and upcoming exams (finals are just round the corner. Unbelievable.)

In fact, the upcoming week is my last week of school. Last week of my 3rd year of studies.
From then on, it's going to be an uphill slope...
I'm not sure if I can pull through all the challenges that are going to come my way.

To be honest, there are times when I use denial and withdrawal defense mechanisms, despite knowing that they can result in pretty nasty aftereffects.
But still, sometimes the future just seems so daunting...

Lots of unknown.
Lots of opportunities, but also lots of unanticipated obstacles and letdowns.
In fact, the good and the bad always come hand-in-hand, don't they?

I do wish I were stronger.
Mentally, psychologically.
How do you force yourself to take the first step into unknown territories...?
I'm not sure.
But somehow, when you got to do it, you got to do it.

Well, you may think I'm exaggerating my anxiety and fear since it's 'just honours year. you're still studying. you're not even working yet'. 
So somehow, it seems like I'm still in a 'safe' zone.

Really...?
Maybe I just don't have the confidence to take on something that seems beyond me.
But then again, you wouldn't know, would you?

you fear, because you don't know.
you feel excited, because you don't know.

At moments like this when everything seem overwhelming and uncertain,
I'm grateful to have my loved ones around...
people I can depend on for my much needed encouragement and support...
thank you. 

Maybe then, I might actually survive the things that life throws at me.
Maybe.

The need to rant~*

the whole honours thesis struggle is turning out to be nothing short of a joke.
it's as if... some invisible force is pushing me away from attempting to even START on it.

I mean, come on, it's not even the CONCEPTUALIZATION part.
It's only the TRYINGTOFINDAPROF phase and it's already gradually becoming something beyond my control.
Yes, at the moment, it's really beyond my control. (I really don't like being the victim of organizational/manpower issue...)  

It's so ridiculous, it's actually quite funny.

2 striked off, 3 more to go.

Chocolate Ice~*

Bring me to the sea of sugar and spice
Reminiscing through some chocolate ice

Reminds me of mango/green tea snow shaved ice. heh.

Anyway, just as A tweeted, indeed, it's April - the start of the horror (if you did my psych experiment, you'd find this sentence familiar) 

and the honours thesis issue is bugging me like crazy.
silently lurking in the background and stirring my unconscious... should I...?