Stench~*

To neutralize (somewhat) the seemingly perpetually depressing atmosphere here, this got me laughing even though I really should cry instead.
Mr Z: I can smell your hair fragrance in the train. 
Jas: haha. My doppelganger.
Mr Z: But I don't think the fragrance comes from anybody's hair. I think it comes from a man's shirt.


On a sidenote, the ongoing madness about honours thesis is driving me insane. Decisions and dilemmas... and a very weak heart.

Rejection~*

It hurts.
so, so much.

I could have, but I didn't.

And I lost to the rest of them who are very proactive.

What are the odds that I can find another?

Everything is drawing further and further away from me. 

So this is the true feeling of 'sayang sekali sekali sekali sekali sekali'...

It hurts so much more than I'd ever anticipated.

Beautiful words~*

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alfresco, adv

...

"I love dining alfresco," you said, and I laughed a little.

 "What?" you asked.

And I said, "We're not naked, silly."

Now it was your turn to laugh.

"That's not what it means," you told me. "And anyway, don't you feel naked now?"

You fell quiet, gestured for me to listen. 

The sound of the woods, the feel of the air. 

The wine setting in my thoughts. 

The sky, so present. And you, watching me take it all in.

Naked to the world. The world, naked to us. 

- 'The Lover's Dictionary' by David  Levithan

Not something that I would normally read.

Then again, what do I normally read?

Fell in love with the beautiful words. 

ineffable, adj.

These words will ultimately end up being the barest of reflections, devoid of the sensations words cannot convey. 

Trying to write about love is ultimately like trying to have a dictionary represent life. 

No matter how many words there are, there will never be enough.

TEH. :)

A rather painful lesson~*

At the mercy of medication.

My poor, poor stomach. 

Dressed in Baju Bodo, with thick eyeliner (credit to my makeup artist SL), lots of barang-barang draped over my costume and on top of my head, while holding an umbrella.
Bahasa Indonesia Cultural Night whizzed by without me being very conscious all the while.

Prior to that, I was still conducting psych experiment and doing clean-up for the data (it's gonna be horrid) with Mabel and WQ.

After cultural night, I rushed down to AMK to meet my teh girls, had an eerie encounter with teh pig's doppleganger, passed her the SUPER BELATED birthday present and had a short htht with them.

All the while I was wearing that thick eyeliner (I don't look like myself) and again, was at the mercy of medication.
Actually, I was crumbling inside but I managed to pull it off.
I truly wish we could talk more.

And I feel so bad to be putting things off forever...
I really, really need to take care of my body.

People have been telling me that they suspect my incomprehensible mish-mash of symptoms seem to suggest that my illness stems from stress.

Stress.

Well, one protective factor will be that I was also told by the doctor that I'm having a borderline low blood pressure.
Which means I still have some leeway to feel frustrated and anxious about my work.
Right, I'm just bull-shitting (but the part about lbp is true).

Anyway, the bottom line is that I've been neglecting my health and now is the time to take better care of myself.

But... that stress.
Right, I will try.

Anyway, this song is my favourite from Ayu's new album.
An awesome, awesome song.
The organ gives me goosebumps.


Ayumi Hamasaki - Return Road [PV] from daikun18 on Vimeo.

It's just that the definite thing we saw that day
No longer exists anywhere 


- 'Return Road' by Hamasaki Ayumi 

Sponsor-a-child~*

After some deliberation (actually, not really because my mum was not at all hesitant),
we decided to take a big step and take up the SPONSOR-A-CHILD scheme.
That is, we'll be making monthly donations to a child whom we've decided to 'sponsor'.

After browsing through some of their profiles, we decided on a 9-year-old girl Ethiopian girl  :)
Soon, we would be receiving regular updates about her as well as correspondences from her. :)
I really can't wait to receive photos and letters from her and to send her ours as well!

It was a rather abrupt suggestion brought up by my mum.
But she told me that she has actually been thinking about it for a long time.

My first response was a mixture of surprise and excitement.

Yeah, why not? 

Personally, I find it a really meaningful thing to do.
To provide for a child's education, healthcare services, food etc.
More importantly, the money is not just meant for her alone but also to help her family out too (shall talk more about her family next time).


But what impacted me most is the knowledge of the extent of my mum's big heart and generosity.
I'd always known my mother is a very compassionate woman who has a soft spot for the less fortunate.
The little acts that she does, the things she says, the way she treats the less fortunate...

But this time, I'm filled with immense respect for her.
Her enthusiasm and the way her eyes lit up when she chatted on and on about how we can help the children from the poverty stricken areas.

I truly, truly respect her. :) 

It's heartwarming to know that there are people out there like her who want to make a difference in others' lives.
And it's even more heartwarming to know that she's my very own mother. :)

<3

Will keep this space updated with updates about the child!

Yes, I'm geek~*

the noise from all the monsters opposite my block is absurdly annoying.

they are dismantling the parade square of the primary school and are probably planning to construct something else. 

(thank goodness it has stopped for a while now)

credits

'Sarah's Key' by Tatiana de Rosnay

Simply haunting...

'The Maid' by Yasutaka Tsutsui

Intriguing right from the start. But I've stopped for a while because 'Sarah's Key' is taking up most of my time.

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'The Phantom of the Opera' by Gaston Leroux 

Well, I'm not a fan of classics. And honestly speaking, I doubt I can finish the whole novel, given that I know the storyline and will be very tempted to flip through certain parts. But for my love of the phantom, my deprivation of the musical as well as mabel's fervent recommendation, I shall give it a try.

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Friends have always asked me how I can manage to find the time to read all these novels despite having tons of readings and assignments for school. 

Well, the answer is simple - I simply find time for them. 

It may be during the ungodly hours at night, at the wee small hours of the morning, or even in the late afternoon when I get home from school.

Whatever it is, reading beyond school readings has always been a part of my daily routine, unless I'm really really tied down by work.

To me, it's more than just reading. And it's definitely not a chore. 

On the contrary, it's like an enjoyable flight into another world altogether. 

where you experience events from another person's perspective, live in the shoes of others, feel the crazy rush of emotions that other people feel.

I've known people who cringe at the word 'fiction' because to them, ultimately, whatever you've read are just... fiction. make-believe, fake, made-up stories of things that have never happened. 

But to me, they serve as an escapade from the reality...

or rather, an escapade from my own life.

and most importantly, fiction doesn't equate to trash content (I shall reserve my comments about what I deem as 'trashy'...). 

 you do learn things from reading fiction.

from the mixed genre of books that I read, 

the common denominator is probably the idea that they are all about people.

about people like you and I.

And I like that.

I like to read about the not-so-ordinary experiences of ordinary people.

From them, I learn. 

I don't know how to put it but it makes me feel... human again. 

Yes, I'm a self-confessed geek/nerd/bookworm. 

What's more, my glasses just simply emphasizes it.

 

I don't know if I should be proud of it or not 

because I know people judge. 

And people laugh at 'geeks'. 

And 'geeks' carry such a negative connotation.

but at least, I feel a little intellectual haha. 

I like to curl up on my seat and read while sipping a cup of warm tea. 

To me, that's the simple pleasure of life. 

I find this photo amusing cos of the wad of notes.
oh, and you can see my phone!

Want to be...~*

Went back to my piano, went back to my novels, went back to my songs.
After curling up in bed, after watching the rain for some time, after playing the music that I had missed so much on the piano, after thinking so much,

I've decided.

Enough is enough.
It's really time to snap out of it.
Suck it in and move on.
Move on, walk on, walk on.

Listening to this song helps me a lot, a lot, a lot.

 
Leona Lewis - Happy by Henrietta-Aime-Fumer_Tv

Someone once told me that you have to choose
What you win or lose, you can't have everything
Don't you take chances, you might feel the pain
Don't you love in vain 'cause love won't set you free
I could stand by the side and watch this life pass me by
So unhappy, but safe as could be

So what if it hurts me?
So what if I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground?

I gotta find my place, I wanna hear my sound
Don't care about all the pain in front of me
'Cause I'm just trying to be happy, ya
Just wanna be happy, ya

Holding on tightly, just can't let it go
Just trying to play my role, slowly disappear, oh
But all these days, they feel like they're the same
Just different faces, different names, get me out of here
But I can't stand by your side, oh no
And watch this life pass me by, pass me by

So what if it hurts me?
So what if I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground?

I gotta find my place, I wanna hear my sound
Don't care about all the pain in front of me
'Cause I'm just trying to be happy, oh, happy, oh

So any turns that I can't see
Like I'm a stranger on this road
But don't say victim, don't say anything

So what if it hurts me?
So what if I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground?

I gotta find my place, I wanna hear my sound
Don't care about all the pain in front of me
I just wanna be happy, oh, yeah, happy, oh, happy
I just wanna be, oh, I just wanna be happy
Oh, happy

I need to diagnose myself~*

There's something lurking behind.

Insidious. Omnipotent. Ubiquitous. 

Something that starts with 'I' and ends with 'Y'.
That contains 'U', 'A', 'Q', 'E', 'C', 'D' and 'N'.
Something that has 5 syllables.
Something that constantly gnaws at me.

Have been engaged in a lot of metacognition lately.
Critically monitoring my thoughts and tracing the sources of discomfort and uneasiness.

I think I know why.

I'm not an 'overt' person who displays everything outright.
And precisely because of that, the insides get very, very ugly and messed up.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for being like this.
Day in and day out.

If I could, I would.
I know I should.


The world seems to slip further and further away from me...

Something is gnawing at me.
Jasmine, you're not lovable at all.


Retreated back to the songs that can make the tears come easily.

me and my phantom of the opera

Hugo~*

"I'd imagine the whole world was one big machine.
Machines never come with any extra parts, you know.
They always come with the exact amount they need.


So I figured if the entire world was one big machine...
I couldn't be an extra part. 
I had to be here for some reason."


- 'Hugo'

Updates~*

from vivocity rooftop

Saya kurang baik. 

I ought to feel relieved now that the crazy mid term tests are over. 

In a way, I am. 

But in addition, I feel like shit. 

[Pardon me if I write very strangely because my mind is filled with bahasa indonesia and I can't seem to think in english]

1. SICK.

Yes. 

This morning I woke up feeling absolutely horrible. 

Headache, stuffed nose, sore throat... 

All the signs of an impending cold. 

And so, I had to force myself to do some last-minute revision plus drag my feet to school for the 6-8pm bahasa indonesia test. 

2. DREADFUL TESTS.

I don't know why, but it seems like this series of mid term tests were the most dreadful ones ever. 

Either my brain is gradually degenerating or my sluggishness has seeped into my work performance. 

I'm rather speechless with regards to how I approached several tests and it's just depressing whenever I think about it. 

I'd rather not get my results back.

3. SLUGGISHNESS.

Impossibly lethargic.

I don't know what's wrong with me but I've been in a perpetually-down mood lately (from emotions lecture: a particular mood can last from days to months).

It's terrible because it sucks the energy out of me, leaving me sucked dry and very very unmotivated to do anything. 

On a side note, if it gets too serious, it can be a sign of depression. (?!?!)

Right. Time to snap out of it.
I really hope this short break from school work can spur me on for the many more weeks to come. 

4. MEMBACA NOVEL.

I finished 'Beautiful Child' by Torey Hayden and it touched me so much. 

Well, the thing is, it's non-fiction. 

Torey's just amazing. :)

And I've started reading the critically acclaimed 'Sarah's Key' by Tatiana de Rosnay.

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I shall watch the film only after finishing the novel :)

5. LATE NIGHT ALUMNI

This song can be so addicting.
But it really relaxes me a whole lot.

6. Tea makes me happy.

Mabel always stares at me whenever I update her on the rather out-of-ordinary (her definition) teas that I drink.
Like melon, honeydew, berries, vanilla bourbon, elderflower&cranberries, ginger&lemongrass etc etc.

lovely melon tea.
Have been looking for this particular brand -Tea Drip. Anyone?

Starbucks @ u-town

Jasmine Orange tea. :) 

Tea from M&S! :)

But well, nothing tops the good ol' green tea/japanese sencha/genmaicha.

I like light and refreshing teas and I try to keep away from black/red teas. 

I'm a real sucker for green tea/herbal infusion/fruit infusion teas. 

I'm definitely not a tea connoisseur. 

I just like whatever that tastes good to me.

7. SIGMUND FREUD AND CARL JUNG

Of course I'm watching this!!!
All psych majors should!

Reminds me of all the psychosexual stages of development, psychoanalysis, id, ego, superego, oedipus complex...

 Despite all the harsh criticisms against his theories, he has always been a rather intriguing character to me. 

oh, and the actors really do resemble them.


8. To end off,

DH & G's wedding at Church of St. Francis Xavier

Instantly elicits this sense of calmness within me.

I'm tired~*

credits

There are moments
when you feel like a total wreck.

You look around;
and you realize that there's absolutely nothing you can attribute all these negativity to.
Until you start introspecting and looking into yourself.

Ah, I see. 


You know what I feel like doing?

Crawling into bed and hiding under the covers? maybe.
Crying to my heart's content and then reassuring myself that I'll be ok? maybe.
Having someone listen to my silence that's laden with some unspoken distress? maybe.

But what I really, really feel like doing is

giving up.


Yes, I'm a wreck.
I am functional,
until I bare my soul.

Overwhelmed by this insurmountable emptiness.
It's as if, suddenly, the world slid far away from me...

retreated. eroded. left behind. gone.  

I don't know what to say;
and I'm too tired to talk about anything;
and I can't find my voice. Not yet. 

too tired.


Listening to this. over and over.