bundle of nerves~*

Don't know.
Really don't know.

if I can continue on like this.

A bundle of nerves.

Maybe things aren't that bad;
maybe things really aren't that bad.

But why am I such a bundle of nerves when it comes to everything related to my studies?


Stretched so thin.
tension,
so, so high.

Air on the G String~*

what do you get when you cross R&B music with Baroque music (Air on the G String by Bach)?

Have I mentioned how much I LOVE Air on the G String by Bach? 

It's definitely one of the most beautiful masterpieces ever created.

on a sidenote, I really should get down to work...

there's still a tremendous pile of things to study and yet I've been skyving, slacking and basically wasting my precious time away...

but we've just finished our bahasa indonesia report and slides so isn't that a legitimate excuse for getting away from my texts and notes for a while?

right, a while.

i finally found someone~*

Heard this song at DH and G's wedding. :)

Cheesy as it may be, it's still a very classic and romantic love song that's appropriate for weddings. (shall suggest it to my sis)

Anyway, I find music a very important component in creating a romantic ambience :)

I'm not sure why but the good love songs have a way of seeping into your heart and giving it a tight squeeze.

Maybe it also has got to do with the way the lyrics are somehow mirroring what you're thinking? :)

Boyzone - Every Day I Love You

songs of that era are awesome :)

Who...?~*

During Adolescence lecture,

Dr. D told us to write something about ourselves.

As people around me started scribbling onto their notes, I just stared at the 'SELF' word on my notes and nothing came to mind.
A. B.L.A.N.K.
So in the end, I didn't write anything.

I guess, in the end, after so much introspection, I still don't understand myself.

Me time~*

credits

heh. I'm sure mabel will agree 200% with this.

so, I've decided to do just that (despite having a huge pile of things to do).

1. back to Torey Hayden's chronicled experiences with special needs children. she's such an inspiration :)

(if you're interested in child psychology, do check out her writings!)

2. met up with old friends and the feeling of familiarity is really... something I hadn't thought existed in me until I experienced it.

3. after presenting on the appraisal-emotion relationship, I'm pretty convinced that YOU CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY. 

4. V day is a day for me to do lots of behavioural observations in school. 

and of cos, the day when you get to see girls don in pretty clothes, gorgeous accessories, completed with flawless hair and makeup. Oh, and not to mention flowers, chocolates and balloons everywhere. It's really something. 

5. hongkong in july! :)

6. time to scrimp and save (refer to previous point)

7. talking to wj about relationship-related issues made me ponder about the way males and females view relationships. both genders will somehow defend their own gender and attribute all kinds of nonsense to the opposite gender. that got me thinking about how narrow our perspectives are. is that evolutionary?

8. WJ said, "I feel like writing 'battling with spss' on facebook"

can't agree with him more.

internship has turned into a battlefield with us interns on one side and all the statistics and data on the other.

9. Learnt about SUICIDE during intern last friday and it made me realize that my dispositional traits seem to predispose me to suicidal IDEATION (not attempts). yikes. but I've got protective factors! 

10. have been using scharkopf shampoo and conditioner for quite some time and it seems to help tame my seaweedish hair a little. like, finally, there's something that seems to work for my field of seaweeds. 

11. feel like visiting Arteastiq one day :)

12. I am a cat person (as opposed to a dog person). am I??? sociability wise probably. 

13. been having something akin to an addiction to soup spoon (pumpkin soup) lately... the thing is I've only drank one soup before (apart from a minestrone EONS ago) and that's the ONLY soup I drink ever since. 

a bit of an extremity?

14. 222 days to sis' wedding! pretty number!

there are things that I can stop thinking about, but there are others that replay over and over again in my mind. and those are the things that are not worthy of working memory space. 

Gratitude~*

credits

Be grateful for everything

no matter how trivial they may seem. 

because we never know if eternity exists. 

Problems about the self~*

Wistful.

"I'd always thought I was sort of a brazen person, 

but this issue with hyperventilating made me realize a part of me was, unexpectedly, high strung. 

I had no idea how nervous I got at the start of a race. 

But it turns out I really was tense, just like everybody else. 

It doesn't matter how old I get, but as long as I continue to live I'll always discover something new about myself. 

No matter how long you stand there examining yourself naked before a mirror, 

you'll never see what's reflected inside."

- 'What I Talk About When I Talk About Running' by Murakami Haruki

Today I had a really good talk with Mabel. 

It's those kind of talk that made me introspect a lot.

There was a sudden gush of emotions sometime during the conversation which nearly made the tears come. 

It's really during these moments when you learn to take a good look at yourself, listen to what you have said, and be aware of all the things swimming around in your head, lurking somewhere, residing in your unconscious. 

There are so many issues with me that I guess I have lost count along the way.

But ultimately, to sum it all up, it has a lot to do with esteem as well as self-love issues. 

So, where do I start?

"Don't you get tired...?"

yes, yes, I do. 

I take lots of things upon myself.

External contingencies of self-worth. 

Defensive pessimists are, after all, still pessimists. 

And most importantly, I don't love myself enough. 

I hadn't planned for this entry to sound so gloomy. 

It's supposed to be more of reflective type of writing. 

Because, somehow, I guess I am aware of all these issues with myself so it will be rather strange to start experiencing the 'despair about myself' now. 

Actually, aren't most  of us aware of our own shortcomings and imperfections? 

but, we aren't really doing much to change them, are we? 

Anyway, I'm going to try to place 'GRATITUDE' as my dominant emotion from now on. 

Perhaps, that might help me a little. 

(Taking Emotions module this sem helps) 

That's life~*

"That's life.
Maybe the only thing we can do is accept it, without really knowing what's going on.
Like taxes, the tide rising and falling, John Lennon's death, and miscalls by referees at the World Cup."

- 'What I Talk About When I Talk About Running' by Murakami Haruki