Self-anger~*

Mabel: I'll do this tomorrow.
Jas: ... I have no tomorrow.

And we laughed.

It was meant to be a joke.
But in retrospect, maybe not.
Mixture of bitterness and frustration and...stress (my most loyal companion).
I don't like it when an idea that we worked on for some time (naively thinking that it's good) turned out to be a completely bad one.

It just makes me feel annoyed at my shortsightedness and...over confidence.
You see, how can I ever learn to be confident in something when things that I am confident in often turn out to be undeserving of such... confidence? that ideas that I am proud of turn out to be fit for the garbage??? (sorry for the harshness)

So you see, to avoid disappointment and self-anger, it's best not to be overly confident and overestimate your own ability.
It's best to just keep your mouth shut and think, Think, THINK.

...
I don't know why I'm over-reacting to this extent.
Perhaps it's the feeling of inadequacy.
It's akin to coming out of my comfort zone (like, finally) and being greeted with a bullet in the head.

As a family~*

"The love of a family is life's greatest blessing."

It wasn't easy. It isn't easy. It may not be easy.
But right now, I feel truly blessed.

Thank you. 

neither here nor there~*

Have been in a pretty awkward mood lately.

To be more specific, there are many things I should be happy about:

1. I managed to appeal successfully for my bahasa indonesia tutorial slot - which means I don't have to decompose in school for 5 hours, miss my internship and irritate people continuously with my WHINES.

2. Receiving red packets - Right. Receiving $$$ never fails to make people smile. Anyway, Mr Z's family members were really generous and hospitable as well, which kind of calmed my nerves a whole lot.

3. Steamboat, mahjong, lots of chit-chat and laughter - just the 4 of us. The whole atmosphere was impeccably wonderful. :) Nothing feels better than laughing over food and mahjong and soaking up the happy atmosphere. :)

4. Food - Glorious food!! Had the most astounding meal in my life. The amount of delicacies placed before my eyes was mind-boggling. One after another. Thanks to Mr Z's very very very generous uncle.

5. A break - much needed break from school and internship.


However, there are things that well... kind of attenuate that happiness:

1. Losing money - when I place small bets, I get blackjack. when I place bigger bets, the banker gets blackjack. need I say more?

2. Food - time to watch what I eat!

3. The crash from the break - for 2 consecutive days after the break, I'd overslept. But thank goodness  I still managed to reach on time/ a little late. Oh well, my mind just can't get back on track.

4. Lots of self-doubts are creeping into my mind again... - just can't seem to shake off certain thoughts about myself... the feeling of inferiority again. That's probably my greatest enemy...

5. Workload - I'm starting to feel the stress setting in.


Of course, losing money is really no big deal - it shouldn't be taken too seriously.

Rather, it's points 4 and 5 that are really draining me.


"Jasmine.... really meek."

Of which I agree with my supervisor wholeheartedly.

Internship has become a way for me to gain new knowledge about myself.
about how this meekness/ timidity/ anxiety is getting the better of me.
about how I'm just... not there yet.
and worse, I don't know how to go there.

And this fear of evaluation is starting to occupy so much of my thinking that I realized I'm making more and more stupid comments, stumbling over words and sounding like a complete idiot.

I don't know how to put it lucidly... but in essence, I'm feeling increasingly fearful of making myself heard, which is BAD.

I don't know what I should do from here except to maybe... try and find a way to attain some much needed self-confidence.

Jasmine, why are you so... meek???

Happy Dragon year!~*

credit

Happy Dragon year people!

May this new year be a roaring good one! :)

(hmm. do dragons roar?)

Taste as sweet~*

I was taking the bus home yesterday when a bunch of Nan Hua people boarded the bus.
Plugged into my ipod as usual, I wasn't really paying attention to the conversations that were buzzing about around me.
Then, this boy, who was moving to the rear of the bus, stood right next to me and spoke pretty loudly to his friends.

'You know, 5 years from now we're gonna look back and tell ourselves, "Oh, the days in Nan Hua were the BEST of my life! ..."'

Something stopped at that very instant. Time.
Everything seemed to pull back instantaneously, leaving me with my a surge of indescribable mix of emotions and plenty of messed-up memories.

I had wanted to look at the boy and say, "You know what, you're so damn right about that." 

Maybe it wasn't the best time of my life (I've had my fair share of nasty breakdowns and depressed moments) but still, no doubt it has been the most memorable period of my life...

There are about a million and one things worth mentioning about my stay in Nan Hua...
Lots of ups, downs, crazy, heartwarming moments... and the awful hairstyles.
bits and pieces...

It just feels really nostalgic when I think about those days...
And what a pity memory traces are constantly fading...
We need some retrieval cues, don't we?

4/8 '06

Choir '05

(sorry no close-up pics because I don't want to get killed by the girls.)

Anyway, back to what the boy had said,
indeed.
It has been 5/6 years since I graduated from Nan Hua. (what an uncanny coincidence...)

and I really should have told him and his friends,

"Yes. So please, please enjoy every moment now. 
It's the time to create the best and the most beautiful memories of which you can look back 5/6 years later and savour them slowly again. 


And they would still taste as sweet."  



something random.
2 days ago, at a very brief moment, both counters on my blog displayed the same number of days, hours, minutes and seconds. (and I missed that moment)
oh, and my timetable is screwed up. 

YOU~*

On repeat again and again.




I laughed
to softly cover
the insufficient days that passed

I don’t have any confidence
I’m sure everyone feels the same


- 'YOU' by Yui

It's Only A Paper Moon~*

Say, its only a paper moon
Sailing over a cardboard sea
But it wouldn't be make-believe
If you believed in me

Updates~*

1.

HEH.

Indeed. 

Nobody has been irritating me much recently though.

Actually, people don't irritate me as much as non-living things do. 

SL: Jas prefers walking to taking the shuttle bus so that she "can exert control over her life (direct quote from me)".

HAHAHA.  

Mabel: she has a high need for an internal locus of control.

INDEED.

People who know me well enough will understand the miserably low level of tolerance I have for the public transport system... 

The very idea that my schedule can get messed up by something that's outside my control makes my hair stand.

It always amazes people whenever I tell them I walk from fass to science and back. and I walk from kent ridge station to arts too (ok that was a pretty long walk).

Therefore, I do conclude that I'm eccentric and quirky in my own way.


2.
CNY is coming and I have nothing to wear.
CNY shopping (clothes wise) just kind of drains me of my energy...
If I were to plot my excitement level with time, it's a downward sloping curve.


3.
Week 1 just passed.
And I noticed that for this sem, most of the psych kakis are taking the same mods.
So we've been seeing one another really often these days (minus XL who's in canada, R who's in Silicon Valley and YT who's happily enjoying 'Trauma Psych').
It feels great to have them to chat with - especially on the dreary monday afternoons.


4.
I feel better going for intern and it's mostly due to WJ, J and P - the really awesome friends I made at CGC. :)
J is going back to Australia real soon!)


5.
Sis has moved into her new home.
Although we're not the super close sisters who hang out together often, to be honest, I do miss her at times... especially the lazy sunday afternoons where we basically talk about all sorts of nonsense.


On a sidenote,
I realize my writing is getting rusty.

Life goes on~*

"Ob-la-di, ob-la-da, 
Life goes on, brah!"
- 'Ob-la-di Ob-la-da' by The Beatles

On a The Beatles craze lately (the weakened flame got re-ignited again).
Songs of the present can't be compared with songs of the past. They are way too different.

Over my lemon chamomile and his hot vanilla, the things I tried so hard to push aside resurfaced.
There are just too many things that I am ignorant of (or pretending to be) and too many things tucked away for too long.
Something that's undeniable is the fact that I'm a bundle of nerves.

Side tracking a little, Sumiko Tan is my favourite columnist who writes (rather irregularly) in the straits times. While reading her column today, it struck a chord in me.
Constantly on the edge, yeah?

Anyway, back to that night of htht,
I learnt a lot from him.
About myself, about people, about life in general.

"There are things that can be changed, and things that can't..."

There's still so much for me to improve on, to become a better person...
but meanwhile, thanks for putting up with my imperfections and flaws that are too evident.
Still trying.

Tomorrow marks the start of year 3 sem 2.
It's like gearing up for a very long battle again...
Lethargy and sluggishness will be residing in me for a long, looooong time.

60s~*

We listened to The Beatles, Cliff Richard, Elvis Presley, Eagles, Bee Gees, Air Supply...

After a hard day's work, nothing beats listening to many, many good oldies and enjoying the company of someone who appreciates the songs as much as you do... 

we laughed over the 60's hairstyles

he shared so much about the music culture at that time, about the The Beatles' phenomenal success - topping the music chart for... 2 years (!!!)

we tapped to the rhythm, hummed the melody and waited for the climax of the songs with anticipation... 

thank you, dad :) 

A tranquil, cooling night.

A stark contrast to the hectic day.

With Murakami's 'What I Talk About When I Talk About Running'.

Soft music playing in the background. 'Hey Jude'.

On a side note, I can't pronounce 'wh', 'b', 'm' and 'p' sounds without grimacing in pain (I've got a big ulcer in the inner side of my upper lip).

oh, and the stupid vending machine ate my $2 note during lunch today.