Because of you~*

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After some thorough reflection, some tears (held back for too, too long), hearing/reading words that resonated deeply in me,

I feel less alone now. Less vulnerable. Less weak.

I think I can say 'I am okay' now.

because of you.

Ironic. Disturbing~*

 She waited for the train to pass. 

Then she said, "I sometimes think that people’s hearts are like deep wells. 

Nobody knows what’s at the bottom. 

All you can do is imagine by what comes floating to the surface every once in a while."

 - 'Blind Willow, Sleeping Woman' by Murakami Haruki

Perturbed.

Jarring

dream. 

an accumulation of experiences and emotions that are laden with bewilderment.

that snowballed, and grew. 

questions after questions.

about the people around me; about myself. 

questions that have no answers, that need no answer.

it's akin to the first time you found out that sweets can be sour, that bread can be stale, that the cooling air can be painfully chilling, that glass can shatter, that flowers can wither...

that nothing is static. nothing is certain. absolutely nothing.

'there's a deadline to everything'

these words came back to haunt me. 

I don't want to live a life with myself perceiving the world as a place devoid of hope and where there's no room for 'trust', and where there's no need for it.

Yet, events have been revealing to me that perhaps, it's not such a good idea to place too much trust and faith in ... things that you thought were worth that level of trust. 

at the end of the day, 

what do you hope to gain from all these?

do you really get it in the end? 

the human heart/mind  is such a complex entity. 

and the irony of it all - understanding it is my current major.

What a joke. 

“Nobody likes being alone that much. 

I don't go out of my way to make friends, that's all. 

It just leads to disappointment. ” 

 - 'Norwegian Wood' by Murakami Haruki 

you don't know, neither do I ~*

It's late; it's raining.

Suddenly, I remember a particular quote from Murakami Haruki.
Something about... at the end of the day, we're all just solitary travellers... something along that line.

emotions you never knew you could feel.
that's secondary.
what's primary is
the people whom you never knew could make you feel that way.

it makes your world upside down.

it makes you retreat and back off.

it makes you rethink about people, about friendships, about trust, about... 

you're confident and certain. you're full of optimism.
then, at the very next moment, something throws you off guard.

nobody is to blame.
perhaps,
it's just misunderstanding.

I thought... but... is it, really?
to you, are we really...?
do you know...?  


Overestimated myself. 



I don't know many things anymore. 
because uncertainty lies in every corner and turn. 

shitty things just never stop happening, do they?

just when it stopped pouring, it started again.
how else can this situation be better explained...?

I don't want to give a damn about the world. I want to curl up and disintegrate.

Aimless~*

1. My beautiful hardcover copy of 1Q84 lies serenely next to me. My miracle drug.

2. This is a perfect weather to curl up under the blanket and sleep everything away.

3. The videos on pediatric cancer shown during pediatric psychology class today nearly made me tear. When I saw SL cry, I had the overwhelming urge to cry too.

4. I have no clear direction. I'm basically wandering aimlessly.

5. Deadlines are looming near.

6. Einstein term paper is such a joke.

7. I love, love, love rainy days (except soaked shoes and sticky skin and frizzy hair)

8. I'm gradually transforming into a morning person.

9. Can't wait for this semester to END. and for DECEMBER to ARRIVEEEEE.

10. My end-of-year break is going to be so packed with academic related stuff - my imh internship as well as research work for my personality lecturer... all voluntary with no pay.

11. "So, what are you going to do in future?"
It's quite depressing to be unable to answer that question STILL.

12. I didn't come here to sound depressed. I hope I don't sound depressed. Because I'm not. I'm not happy, neither am I sad. (learnt this state of affect while scrutinizing our experiment results - people can be happy and sad at the same time. ditto to unhappy and un-sad. whatever that is)

13. Exhausted. yet, exhaustion can't be an excuse.

14. Loving someone really means baring your heart and soul, risking getting all your insides ripped out, risking getting your heart shredded, risking your everything... it either means understanding the real meaning of 'trust' and beauty of 'confiding' or the ugliest of dishonesty and lies and betrayal.

15. Banana Yoshimoto might be another author whom I like. 'Asleep' by her is so, so...

15. Going to sleep soon.


Many things await, or so I think.

denial~*

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HAHAHAHAHA

I want to do that too.

to chill (doesn't look very comfy though) and not give a damn about all the clutter on my desk. 

okay, I'm  going to do that today. 

love & naivety~*

on love and naivety

The truth is, the world is warped and ugly.

but

 lovely people do exist.

you just have to find them.

if you can't, you're just not trying hard enough.


you choose to see the good or bad side of people.
if I can be naive and choose to believe that people are good to begin with, then there's no reason to think otherwise, is there?

(I'm blessed to meet so many lovely people in my life. I'm sure you are too. If you don't think that way, then maybe the problem lies with your perception)  

Sailor Saturn~*

Of death and rebirth.

that's my favourite sailormoon character - Sailor Saturn

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I know I cannot be more random that this, but while reading up on psychoanalytic theory,

'death drive' suddenly reminded me of her.

Not quite sure why, but she's the Soldier of Death and Rebirth. of Silence. of Destruction. of loneliness

birth and death.

so intrinsically linked that one can't exist without the other.

1Q84~*

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WHERE. IS. MY. 1Q84.

October 25th. 

I'll take you word for it, Mr Z ;) 

Somehow, somehow, I survived the previous week of insanity. 

Well, you know what it means? It just means that there will be many more weeks to come. 

EDIT:  I JUST SAW THIS ON KINOKUNIYA'S WEBSITE:

 "1Q84 is released in Singapore on 25th October 2011, with all three books in one volume"

!!!!! say goodbye to my withdrawal symptoms (from MH's books)!!! :D
and spot on, Mr Z! :) 

It's "poised to take the West by storm". 

Seems like it's really set to cause a stir!

perhaps in me only hahahaha. 

anyway, suddenly, I'm in an elevated mood. 

I should really be sleeping now though... my circadian rhythm, please do your job thank you! 

Shitty cube~*

Itchy fingers. (itching to write some bs here)
Taking a break from my term paper + presentation preparation + module scripting for my internship.

Today, as I was crossing the road, I was overwhelmed by an abrupt bout of immense sense of helplessness.
It was so intense, I'd wanted to kneel on the ground and curl up to wait for the inevitable tears to come.

It had hit me hard.
It's that kind of CRASH that knocks the wind out of you.

At that very moment, the only thought that was in my mind was

"What exactly are you doing with your life?"


I want to be elsewhere, doing something I want to do, spending time with people I want to spend time with, being who I want to be at the moment.
I don't want to focus on nothing but schoolwork and internship.
I don't want my days to pass like this and me working the shit out of myself with no end point in sight.

Life is already so short yet I'm just freaking contained in this super small cube I call 'world'.
this cube! can you imagine?
you can see actually the boundary of my world!!

damn, damn, damn.

I'm so full of angst, I want to haul everything out of the window now.

from a nightmare in daytime~*

"Everyone becomes who they are in a stark landscape of undiluted solitude and bad weather. 

It's possible to go through life without becoming who you are, but it is better, in the long run, to come upon yourself in an insanely ordered forest where nothing has been left to chance.

She wishes every twenty-one-year-old girl a Black Forest of her own."

- 'Alligator' by Lisa Moore 

trying, being. 
as always.


have you ever experienced the sort of fear that grips you and doesn't let go...?

for me, it's the thought of losing significant people.
the fear of waking up one morning and finding the significant people gone from your life for good.
the fear of reaching out for that someone and realizing that the human warmth has dissipated, leaving a cold, hard absence.
the fear of finding yourself searching for something that was right there, and then suddenly absent, despite knowing that you won't be able to find it...

there are things and people I cannot imagine without; whom I cannot live without; whom I love fiercely and would protect no matter what...

but yet, does 'forever' really exist...?

that fear.
that absence.


no, I don't want that. 

Updates~*

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1.

busy as a worker bee.
I do wish things will get a little better in Oct, though I'm not getting my hopes up.
Juggling many, many tasks all at once.
on the bright side, it clutters my brain so much so that there's simply no space for all the unneeded thoughts to seep through.



1.5.

if you liken Life to a Game (like snakes&ladders),
then you must acknowledge that not everybody starts on Square 1.
some fortunate ones get a good head-start at square 10. some of us will be at square 1 and the rest of us might not have a chance to throw the dice.

so, where are you at right now?

be grateful that you have the chance to throw the dice.



2.
the toughest moment of the entire day used to be the time lapse between getting into bed and trying to fall asleep.
because that's the time when all the reflective and self-banishing thoughts come into consciousness.
but now, all that occupies my mind is just that one sentence

"okay, so what am I going to do tomorrow?"


3.
I really didn't slow down.
But now that my tests are over (FINALLY), I can at least swim to the surface to breathe.


4.
at times, I feel like I'm leading many, many different lives as different roles.
as a student, as an intern, as a person.
(HA. I usually don't equate student to person)


5.
Enough of all the mundane stuff about my more-boring-than-boring life.


Had a long talk with my sis regarding the recent wedding photoshoot that she had in taiwan and about the upcoming plans about her wedding preparation.

It enlightened me so much.
I hadn't known that there are SOOOOO many Chinese customs to adhere to for a traditional Chinese wedding!!
Anyway, she's eyeing me to be one of her 'Sisters'.
And of course, the only incentive of agreeing to it will be the FAT (HOPEFULLY) ANG BAO HEHEHE.


Oh, and I'm probably going to be the emcee for my sis' wedding.
HMMMMMM.
I'm having second thoughts but she's just so persistent.
Do I have a choice? Seriously.

anyway, I'm so excited for my sis' wedding that I've set up a countdown timer for it.
less than a year to goooooo!



6.
What do people wear in the 80's????
That's the theme for Mr Z's D&D at MBS (!!!!! EYES BRIGHTEN UP IMMEDIATELY. the reason why I agreed to tag along hehehe. and probably the ONLY chance I'll ever get to step inside there).

But then again, I need something decent to wear.
And browsing through all the pictures on 80's fashion makes me want to...........


7. (this number for a reason, though I doubt you'll ever see this)
after making cross-references here and there, I'm able to infer a little something.
and it's something to be happy about.

Happiness comes to those who know how to cherish the source of happiness. 

and I'm sure you'll be one of them.

I wish you and the one you love happiness,
from the bottom of my heart :)


8.
Oldies are good :)


9.

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if they know how to bond, how to feel affection for one another,

then how well are humans faring in comparison to them?

Myopic~*

okay. WL looks creepy here. 

Much better.

My favourite-st cousins. :)
Both of them are really great guys and (both are single) so girls, if ...
HAHAHAHAHA.

Right.

I'll get killed if they ever see this but they probably won't.

Anyway, I'm just trying to procrastinate again.

I wrote a pretty long post inspired from a long, deep talk with Mr Z last night regarding life.

But it got so depressing that I deleted the whole thing.

And moreover,

Talk without Action = Load of bull-crap.

Since I'm not doing anything to make the world a better place to live in etc etc, I have no right to say much about it too...

We can only sympathize, feel heartbroken by the disturbing living conditions...

I'm guilty of being self-absorbed in my own world, my own tasks, my life.

Perhaps, I'm not capable enough to handle things beyond those that lay before my eyes.

Hopefully, one day, after I straighten things up, I can set out to do something I've always wanted to do - something really meaningful.

Then, I'll be able to Talk AND Act.

Now, it's me and my book.

How awfully myopic I am.

Things I panic over always seem so trivial when you think about it retrospectively...

But then, I still want to go and worry about them.