BENI~*

My new eye-candy who's not just an 'eye-candy'.

Beni Arashiro aka BENI

photo credit

yes, she can sing very well.

When I first listened to her, her voice had such a significant impact on me that it resulted in a 'sugar-rush' which gradually turned into the tingling, warm and fuzzy sensation that I have whenever I chance upon something I really like. 

In fact, I might start to like R&B. 

A few songs are never enough to justify how well she can sing. Go youtube her! :)

FIVE II~*

they removed the videos so yup. here's the commercial :)





on a side note:
I'm seriously tired of people who leave things hanging and expect me to somehow 'read their minds'. I'm a psychology major, not a psychic. That (intentional or unintentional) behaviour makes me doubt their sense of responsibility. Well, maybe it's not exactly 'responsibility' but nevertheless, you can see how much they value a friendship from these little things they do. I'm probably in no position to chide you but well, you should introspect and think about what you're willing or not willing to do for a friend. If it's so torturous for you to be a little less passive, then there'll be no next time because I'm not going to do the same thing twice and expect a different outcome. because there hasn't been any different outcome for all these times...

GOSH. can you tell how displeased I am?????

Killing myself softly~*

In case anyone managed to read my post prior to its deletion (or rather, I saved it under my drafts and chose not to publish it), I decided to let it rest in my pile of drafts that are, and probably will still remain, unpublished. 

I give myself unnecessary problems.

I corner myself to the edge. 

I am unforgiving and impatient with myself.

Enough is enough.

the omni-presence of something ominous... 

I detest it. 

Five~*

All 5 PVs of her latest mini album 'Five' are released.
And guess what (no surprises here), they are all very unique and original.
You see, Ayu never stops producing songs and videos of very high standards and I can say likewise for this album too.
But the thing is, I have my own preference too.
So I shall post my top 3, out of the 5. :)

3. BRILLIANTE. 
you'll love this if you love Goth or Egyptian or a bunch of MUSCLE-MEN.
Personally, I think the song is haunting. And of course, the ending of the pv.


BRILLANTE from Jester_Mizuno on Vimeo.

2. Progress
Nice song (for a new game), interesting video, but it gets a little boring after a while.
But nevertheless, the effect is pretty cool.


progress from Jester_Mizuno on Vimeo.


1. Why... feat Juno
Why feature him??? I don't know. But there are 2 collaborations with him in this album.
I've not nothing against him but I'd love to hear her sing this alone too.
Anyway, beautiful PV and this is probably my favourite song from this album. :)


Why...feat. JUNO from Jester_Mizuno on Vimeo.


I'm so not supposed to be here. I'm supposed to be buried in my bio psych text.

shit.

Squawk, squawk~*

Regret was an indulgence that she wouldn't allow.


- 'The Lost Hours' by Karen White

I'm as voiceless as a rabbit.
Well, I can probably still manage an occasional squeak (more like squawk).
This is terrible.

To think that yesterday I was still happily chatting with the psych peeps.
Then, as the day went on, it turned into a struggle to speak in my normal voice range with tako at night after star-gazing session (my Einstein module...).
Soon, I was in the baritone range (I used to be a soprano ONE. how come nobody ever believes me???)
And this morning, I was coughing my lungs out and choking on my own phlegm (disgusting, I know).
Then, I was squawk-talking to my sis and dad.

tsk, tsk.

Jas, seriously. 

(on a side note, firefox is so unkind to blogger. things I type turn out warped. anyway, I've been using google chrome to blog so this first attempt to try and use firefox instead has deterred me from using firefox to access blogger again.)

Gravity~*

This music video gave me goosebumps.
One of the most beautiful (and amazingly ingenious) videos I've watched.
Let's see if you understand what is it trying to portray ;)

and of course, the song itself is amazing. :) (1st song in my current playlist)


Gravity by Sara Bareilles

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do 
I'll still feel you here till the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

Set me free, leave me be. 
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on
The ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down

Keeping me down

You're on to me, on to me
and all over...

Something always brings me back to you
it never takes too long

TRJ~*

it is hard to know our real selves.
because it is hidden under so many layers that we've created for ourselves.

8.30am thoughts~*

credits

"Sometimes the best trips are only as far as the circumference of your heart."

- 'The Lost Hours' by Karen White

I'm up and fully awake at this... ungodly hour (for a person who could have slept the morning away).

Thank you, Insomnia, you've truly made my day.

Since I've no motivation to do my readings (!!!) and I've got nothing better to do, I've decided to waste some time writing random knick-knacks and what-nots that might be devoid of coherence and logic (ahh, my forte).

Pardon me.

1. The very first picture here is from 'Up' movie. 

I remember watching it with tako and it had left me a deep impression in me. 

To be able to spend the rest of your life growing old with your loved one... that's probably one of the greatest gift we can ever be blessed with. 

but, the thought of losing this very same person just induce such excruciating pain within oneself. It's equivalent to losing a limb, an organ, a part of yourself.

don't you see how intricately linked are happiness and sadness?

which is why having happiness nestled in my heart can be intimidating for me. 

because once I have it, I'm afraid to lose it. 

2. I realized I haven't really talked about school since the new semester began. 

To summarize, I'm trying to find breathing spaces in my schedule. 

and the motivation that I always seem to lack at the start of the semester (all the way till finals, it seems).

that aside, lecturers are generally good, especially my cognitive lab lecturer - he's marvellous! (I'm going to become increasingly inclined to cognitive psychology... which is one of the most unimaginable things that can happen to me)

and of course, the fellow psych buddies who make school much more tolerable/enjoyable. :)

3. Took a risk. 

It's still too early to say anything yet, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed. 

Thanks to my friends who encouraged me to go for it. 

If not, I probably wouldn't have the courage to step into an unfamiliar area that is well, very challenging for me.

4. I'm watching Vampire Knight, which is pretty good.

I don't know why animes just don't seem to arouse that much interest in me anymore.

maybe that's another marker of aging??

5. Facebook and Twitter are becoming increasingly... phony superficial, in my opinion.

Hmm...you can have different opinions from me but what I'm trying to say is that you can probably find the most untrue stuff about a person from these 2 channels.

You can find perfect manifestations of portrayals of oneself in the best possible light - trying to make oneself socially desirable/physically desirable etc (Note: 'social desirability' is a psychological term while the latter is not).

I'm not generalizing it to everybody, but if you scrutinize hard enough, you'll know what I mean.

On the contrary, there are people who are really honest about themselves. 

Sometimes, even too honest for comfort.  

6. Let me share a bit of epiphany I had while blog-surfing aimlessly.

It dawned on me that as we grow older, we tend to seek solace in solitude more and more often. 

Or in other words, we can do better when we're alone.

It's unlike the adolescent years (when I wrote that, I wanted to cry out, 'I'm still an adolescent!!!') when people hang around in groups and solitude seems like something too heavy and difficult to appreciate. 

but now, it's no longer the case. At least for most of us. 

there's nothing wrong with shopping alone, watching movies alone, dining alone, sitting for classes alone.

Rather, we get to spend quality 'me-time' with ourselves. 

that, to me, is very important.

because spending time with oneself can be the most comfortable experience. 

7. We're all struggling to draw a blue-print of our future, which seems non-existent, for that matter.

Do I have the courage?

The courage to say that 

"the map may be blank, 

there may be something;

there may be nothing.

but I'm still willing to walk on, 

however difficult it may be."

 

Can I do that?~*

I think we all have wounds to heal, tears to mend, lessons to learn from, as well as past mistakes to forgive.

one who has never had any of the above have probably... either drifted through life blindly or are really, really, really blessed and protected.

utterly damaged, dismantled, annihilated and ripped into pieces.
after which the recovery process begins.

I won't say that I've been through the worst but all I can say is that I've had my share of wounds, scars and blemishes.
as well as the experience of dragging an invisible ball&chain.

which is why I'm flawed.

and as a flawed being, I make even more mistakes.

before long, my footprints become distorted and ugly.

I look at them and I grimace.

But am I still walking? Yes, I am. 



the most insurmountable task is to recollect

to look at every phase of life
and you smile.
even if you can't smile, you don't cry.
if you can't not cry, you remember to wipe away your tears.

and you forgive.
you forgive others and most importantly, yourself.
by doing so, you set yourself free from the ball and chain.

and you accept.
you accept your imperfections and the fact that some things cannot be changed,
and some things are not within grasp.
you've tried, you've failed and that's fine.
you accept reality.

and then you love.
you love people who love you
and most importantly,
love yourself a little more.

Jas, can you do that? 

The Solitude of Prime Numbers~*

I had recited the following out loud.

"Prime numbers are divisible only by 1 and by themselves. 

They hold their place in the infinite series of natural numbers, squashed, like all numbers, between two others, but one step further than the rest. 

They are suspicious, solitary numbers... they too would have preferred to be like all the others, just ordinary numbers, 

but for some reason they couldn't do it...

...twin primes: pair of prime numbers that are close to each other, almost neighbours, but between them there is always an even number that prevents them from truly touching. 

Numbers like 11 and 13, like 17 and 19, 41 and 43. 

If you have the patience to go on counting, you discover that these pairs gradually become rarer.

You encounter increasingly isolated primes, lost in that silent, measured space made only of ciphers, and you develop a distressing presentiment that the pairs encountered up until that point were accidental, 

that solitude is the true destiny.

Then, just when you're about to surrender, when you no longer have the desire to go on counting, 

you come across another pair of twins, clutching each other tightly."

- 'The Solitude of Prime Numbers' by Paolo Giordano

It hurts.

The knowledge that you'll probably never reach the other presumably solitary prime number.

that you'll probably never truly meet

that same being. 

I've just finished the book and it left a dull ache in my heart. 

To love, to not love, to advance, to withdraw, to reach, to turn away.  

so many moves. 

but still, they can never touch. 

Something~*

we are not sane all the time. that's why we're alive.

In this world which is ruled by logic, sensibility and sanity,
I seek comfort in occasional insanity and escapades beyond the realm of reason.

Not everything should be judged, criticized and understood.

For at the end of the day, what matters most is having loved, having been loved, having been true to oneself, having enjoyed the journey, having lived.

Long gone are the days of which I am easily satisfied with naive fulfillments, that I must admit.

I'm still pursuing. I'm still after that... something. That something which will feed every single cell within me with contentment.


And you know what?

That something might be the very thing I used to possess, way, way back then.

The wallflower blooms...not~*

I had come to sit in front of the laptop with good intentions - to write a proper entry complete with photos and updates of my life, as well as to work on my 'student facilitation' due this coming friday.

But, as usual, having mastered the art of procrastination and coming up with endless excuses to put myself at ease for wasting precious time, I've decided to write down some thoughts that have been bugging me for quite some time.

which are, of course, fragmented.

On my becoming of a wallflower 
(I almost wrote 'wallpaper')

correction.

I've been one all along.

Like I wrote in my reply to Karen's comment, I'm awed by people who can be comfortable being the center of attention.
I for one, simply cannot.

Camouflaging into the background, seeking shelter from curious stares and averting eye contact are part of my repertoire of behaviours that are... well-mastered.
But oftentimes, there is a need to muster some courage to part the curtain of hair that covers my eyes and look into people's eyes.
and to appear confident.

It's like taking a deep breath and then assuming an entirely different role.
It's as if your real self has suddenly been replaced by somebody else.

Even so, it's difficult.

And to be honest, it's frustrating.

this world is definitely one that is dominated by extroverts, whether you like it or not. 

Extroverts: 

People who possess qualities that I lack. 

\People who wave to me from the opposite end of the continuum of personality traits. 

And that's a very sad realization, isn't it?
Because here, before me, a fact that's much to my disadvantage is screaming into my face.


"Jas, you're a loser."

I'm going to be stepped all over wherever I go.



Mr Z told me some sample interview questions that he was asked during his recent job interview.

"Would you rather be a leader or a follower?"

Oh, great.
I know what my answer would be.
But is that the answer they want?
If I were to provide the answer that's already in my mouth, threatening to spill out, I'd be extremely confident that I would be given a patronizing smile and then ushered out of the door hastily.

[on a side note, Mr Z got his 'dream' job and he's really one lucky/blessed/capable ____. onto greener pastures, that's for sure, waving at me from the other end of the continuum...]

Look at this world, then.

Is there any place where people like myself belong? (Other than in our own worlds) 
Places where we can have an edge above the rest?
To be honest, I have no idea.

Even if I can name a few places where I might thrive, they're nothing like the glamourous&marvellous&swanky places that extroverts can reside effortlessly and happily.


So... if that's the case, it seems as if I'm only left with a few options:

1. Continue searching for something comfortable for myself
2. Practise on skills that make me appear confident aka pretense skills 
3. Assume a totally different persona - work towards finding myself on the same end as Mr Z
4. Maintain status quo and learn to be contented instead

Personally, I'm inclined to option 1 and maybe 2.
option 3 is out because I'm sure I'll reach the other end in another lifetime. and as for option 4, status quo doesn't seem like a very good thing for me.

Which means, Jas, it's either you do it the right way (the way that doesn't mistreat yourself), or you do it the warped but practical way.

Sigh.

Why all the trouble?

It all started on that fateful day when a certain email jumped at me from the massive humdrummy emails.
It made me grin, smile, frown, sigh, smile, sigh, smile, sigh.
Ever since then, it never left my mind.

Hmm.
Well, whatever it is, when I finally make a decision, I'll reveal what's all these about.

The funny thing about me is that, I can be very indecisive, and I can be very decisive.
It all depends.
If only I can alternate between extremes when it comes to personality traits. (but my lecturer says it's not very likely) 

So, will the wallflower bloom in the harsher conditions? or will it simply wither and die?
We'll see.

Tomorrow, I'll join hands with you~*

'明日、キミと手をつなぐよ' by ももちひろこ

the full version of the song is the 4th song in my playlist. enjoy :)

inquiry~*

you know, if I could use a term to describe myself, one of the best is really
'Wallflower'.

taken from http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=wallflower

wallflower	577 up, 117 down
	Usually refer to people who are shy and fade in the background , that none really knows or pays any attention to

now that I'm taking personality psychology, it really gets me thinking about myself and the people around me.
Why are we the way we are? 
It's exciting to know that there are people out there trying their very best to figure out the answers to questions to which... well, I hadn't known definite answers exist. 


It's like finding that universal law which unifies all of us.


If only we can ever, ever figure it out. 
then it will mark the beginning of an extraordinary era - the era of nothing-is-fascinating-to-us-anymore-yawns. 

pep talk~*

Do you remember that familiar feeling that's a mixture of nervousness + unease + excitement (over...????) + worry + dread + exhaustion (you know, when you realize you can't sleep in) that you'll have when it suddenly dawns on you that tomorrow's the first day of the new semester? 

I'm experiencing a full blown version of it. 

When I say there are butterflies in my stomach, I really mean there are probably at least tens of thousands of them flapping their wings rapidly in - not just my stomach - but apparently every single vessel and vein. (I don't care how unscientific my previous statement was. I mean, who cares???) 

The funny thing is, as of tomorrow, I'm officially a Year 3 student. 

YEAR THREE. 

and yet I'm still rambling on and on about my worry and dread for the new semester, which is totally uncalled for. 

Well, I'm not a person who can adjust well to changes and so this shift from lazing around to having my schedule packed to the brim with school related stuff makes me uncomfortable. to the max. 

Oh, come on, Jas, it's time to pull yourself together and get in the right frame of mind to welcome the new academic year. 

Afterall, this is your 5th semester for goodness' sake. 

Focus, Jas, focus!! 

things I shouldn't say~*

credit

something stirred within me.

I wish you weren't... who you are at the moment.

but who am I to say who you ought to be or ought not to be?

It's just that when flashes of the past come to me, they make my heart sink.

Because you weren't like this. 

Or perhaps, I've never known you completely. 

Or if I put it the other way, I don't know who you really are now. 

some people change for the better while others, they just... 

(I don't want to complete the sentence)

But I believe everything happen for a reason...

the way you seem to become everything you weren't...

the way you seem to become a person who's careless with hearts and feelings. 

Suddenly, I feel like laughing.

because who am I to say all these?

Yes, to live and let live. 

I'm being very vague here but if you know what I'm talking about, you'll know I'm talking about you. (whether or not you'll ever read this) 

Nothing, absolutely nothing~*

credit

Close my eyesThe sunrise comes too soon

- 'Sunrise Comes Too Soon' by Late Night Alumni

1. 

I thought I was recovering but I wasn't.

I thought I was getting better but I wasn't.

Anyhow, I just want to get well soon. At least, before school starts. 

2. 

There's the constant rumbling of the thunder.

somewhere out there.

It's a little peculiar since I never knew that thunder could rumble so softly and so recurrently. 

I was lying in bed this morning, trying to register several things at once. 

Very, very disorientated for some unknown reason.

And I listened.

the faraway thunder sounded like repeated gunshots and firing of canons. 

and I looked out of the window.

Veiled by a sheet of rain.

How lovely was the weather today. 

It sort of calmed me down and soothed me. 

Made me forget momentarily that I'm ill. 

3.

credit

I just watched this film with my mum.

I've always felt so lucky to have a mother who shares similar interests with me - artistic, surrealistic, incomprehensible films. 

and indeed, I was left pondering and pondering.

It felt like watching a dream play out right before me.
Somebody else's dream.

and it tasted like Tiramisu soaked in excessive Kahlúa.
and it had such a strange aftertaste.

but nevertheless, I enjoyed it.
a common theme ran through the film (beside the fact that it is a continuation of 'In the Mood for Love'). Somehow, all the characters in the film had such sad eyes.

It's as if all of them have experienced a lot and were weighed down by so much.
They hardly ever smiled.
Because in their lives, it's as if there's really nothing to be happy about.

Which reminds me of the meaning of being an adult.
What is it, really?


3.
"I was telling my friends that I have a sister who's 5 years younger than me, yet her thinking is 5 years older than mine"

I paused to think about it. and then I just smiled.

because it is true to a certain extent.


I won't say that I look young, but I don't think people who don't really know me would think that way about me when they first see me.

It's only until they talk to me in depth or happen to chance upon this space will they realize this sad fact about me.

Well, what am I supposed to do about it?


I often say I feel like a thirty-year-old trapped in the body of a twenty-one-year-old.
but that only applies to certain things.

In many other areas, I'm still immature.

If this is how incredibly old my thinking is, then what will happen when I step out of school and enter the 'real world'?



4. Plain Jane

I'm a pretty strange person, I must say.
Because I seem to hold many identities together.

Personally, I feel that I have 'no character'.
there is, in fact, nothing significant about me. nothing worth noticing. nothing that stands out from others. nothing worth remembering.
absolutely nothing.

I'm probably one of the plainest 'plain jane's around.

and I float aimlessly, I get pushed around easily, I practically have no mind of my own.
I sit around and wait for things to happen to me.
I don't really have a temper, I don't really speak up. I'm indecisive at times and I don't know what I want.
I hesitate and I don't understand and I don't ask.


To summarize, I am about as good as being invisible.
I don't think I make an impact in people's lives and I certainly don't think I will become someone important in future.

My meaning of existence is...

I feel like a feather resting on the sand.
no indentation, no change to the sand. nothing.

nothing, nothing, nothing.


this realization is pretty... depressing?


5. I feel even more sick now. 

Breezy~*

credit

if I could, that's what I would do. 

but the guitar would be replaced with a piano. 

get dissolved into the music, vapourize into the air, float with the breeze. 

how lovely. 

random stuff: 

1. I'm finally feeling better. Flu gets to me in the morning, headache and lethargy comes at night.

2.

credit

I have 2 bunnies accompanying me for 4 days :)

3. I'm glad my hair is at least 2 inches shorter and 10x more tame and less frizzy now. (no more seaweed monster)

4. I received my very first Polaroid photo! Thanks to siew ghim! :)

5. Fell in love with Stacey Kent (she collaborated with Kazuo Ishiguro). Don't you think Jazz singers have such amazing voices? So smooth, silky, smoky and soothing all at once. 

6. Picked up a couple more books a few days back and they all managed to capture my attention instantaneously. All are vying for my attention. Will talk more about them soon. 

7. School is starting so soon!!!

8. I'm so looking forward to watching Ayu's concert in 3D in GV cinema!!!! :D although I know 3D movies could probably kill me, I'm so determined to enjoy myself completely in the theatre. :)

Alrighty. Time to sleep! I need to recuperate fast! 

Goodnight, world. 

Succumbed~*

credit

I'm officially... K.O-ed.

after days and days of flu and sneezing and using up dozens and dozens of tissue, I finally succumbed to the influenza virus. 

Mr Fever and Ms Headache have sought me out. 

Darn. 

And my voice sounds funny and faraway and as if I've been crying all the while. 

Listening to Late Night Alumni (very sexy and sensual),

playing the piano (Yiruma),

watching random stuff on TV,

reading my 'What Are You Like?' by Anne Enright (very, very captivating and interesting albeit deep and confusing at times) 

and drinking lots and lots and lots of water. 

Crossing my fingers and hoping to get well sooooon. 

I don't want the few remaining days of holidays to go down the drain... urgh. 

True to myself~*

the law of nature dictates

that when you make a decision, there must be a trade-off.

if you want this, you can't have that.
when you gain something, you lose something.
if you're here, you can't be there.

when you waste time mulling over something, you waste time smiling about something else.

I've wasted too much time trying to change my inner demons into angels.
to the point that the battle is escalating into something else.

changes can be good; they can be bad.
you can change, but the fundamentals of you must be there.
if you lose that,

then you're merely changing into somebody you're not.

a new stranger emerges.

you need to stay true to yourself, no matter what happens.

you need to preserve the very... identity of who you are.
that's something we cannot and should not lose...

what am I doing?
what should I be doing?

I should be learning to come to terms with... things.


Just seconds ago, I admitted that I'm a master of pretense.


You're not being true to yourself.

oh, yes. where do I begin?