Updates~*

Credits

(comforting words that I need)

Seven days war, I'll fight

Until I can get my hands on our place

Seven days war, get [a] place to live

So I can just be myself

- 'Seven Days War' by Ayumi Hamasaki 

This is funny, because I really just finished fighting a SEVEN-DAY WAR.

1. FINALS ARE FINALLY OVER.

"HELLO, MY YEAR 3 FRIENDS!!! :D" 

(can't remember who said that. either yiting or raymond) 

anyway, today marked my last paper of year 2. 

in other words, 2 more semesters (and if I'm on the Honours track, then 4 more!) and I'll be done with uni. 

Okay, that didn't sound very nice. 

It should be, 2/4 more semesters and I'll GRADUATE from uni. 

no more pre-exam stress and post-exam trauma/depression. 

So, the same rule applies. (refer here for more details. that entry is quite interesting actually, I enjoyed reading it again. But actually, it's interesting because guess what, I'm STILL reading 'Wind-up Bird Chronicles' HAHAHA!) 

I can't really recall much from reading week onwards. 

All I can remember is how much I wanted to pluck out all my hair and sink my teeth into my own flesh. 

Sheer madness.

Do you understand how painful it is to

voluntarily chain yourself up at your chair, in your room and stare at nothing but books and notes and painstakingly try to commit everything into the poor poor LTM which is already flooded with information (despite the fact that it's supposed to have unlimited capacity), and curse at your very limited attention capacity plus the inability to make the information enter your LTM (because they just stubbornly remain in STM/sensory store)?

GEEEE. I'm suffering from cognitive psychology info overload. 

Anyhow, I'll try and retrieve as much info as possible

2. 

Discussion about my sis' wedding continued.

ROM date is fixed on July 8th! :) As for the banquet, unfortunately, some big company apparently liked the same date that appealed to my sis&ks and booked the ballroom 1 yr + 3 months beforehand. hence, they'll need to either choose a different place/different date.

Judging from my sis' stubbornness, I think she won't want to change the date.

So, time to search for another suitable venue. 

silently chanting: Fullerton, MBS, Raffles Hotel/Town Club, Shangri-La, Ritz-Carlton... hahahahaha. 

3. 

I think I am suffering from Vitamin C/fructose overload. 

My dad has been feeding me with so many fruits everyday, ranging from apples (both red and green) to pears to oranges to pineapples to kiwis to grapes to papayas to bananas (of all sizes) to mangoes to honeydew to rock melons and some exotic 'snake-skin' fruit (my mum bought it) and passion fruits and berries... 

Now that I've listed them out, it sounds crazy! 

I think I definitely fulfilled the healthy requirement of 2 servings of fruits and vegetables a day. 

So I presume my immune system is superb now. 

4.   

Raymond offered to give us a lift after exams today. 

"Jasmine, so where are you going later?? :D"

"Library."

HAHAHAHAHAHA. 

I think it's the most terrible thing to say, right after exams, isn't it? 

But I really, really beg to pardon! (but I guess nobody will agree with me, oh well)

I can't wait to grab some good books and spend my lovely afternoon with them. :D

you know, it's that intense craving for a good escapade from reality and horrors of exams. 

I think I'm seriously crazy. 

I'm a 100%  BOOKWORM/NERD/GEEK. 

5. 

Credits

The Royal Wedding.

Yes, I've caught short glimpses of it and boy WAS SHE GORGEOUS! :)

Ahh, a fairytale wedding indeed. :) 

I wonder how many girls watched it yesterday and were secretly fantasizing about their own 'fairytale wedding'. 

But marriage is so much more than just beautiful gowns and suits, flowers, big diamond ring and good 8 course dinner. 

Marriage is so much more than that. 

It's not just a union of 2 people, but also their families, their way of living etc etc.

It's one thing to get married and another thing to maintain that marriage.

How much are you willing to give up to accommodate and to what extent are you willing to compromise? 

I've seen many failed examples and the thing is, some people jump right into it and fail to foresee many things that can possibly happen to a couple. 

It's hard work and you need to keep working on it to keep that flame of love burning. 

Now that I've painted such a pessimistic picture (not again), I need to say this last thing,

if it works, and I've seen many many successful examples of it, 

then it'll definitely bring the kind of joy, happiness and satisfaction that far surpasses what tangible things can ever bring to you. :)

"You were born into your family. You had no choice. But when you marry another person and start a family together, you're choosing what your family is going to be made up of."

So true! And I sure hope my sister has made the right choice! :)

Alright, I'll talk more about my braces soon. 

Meanwhile, I need to start thinking of what to do during this precious 3-month break! 

Yes, be happy!

AWWWWW.

How can I resist uploading this lovely gif??? 

 credits

(btw, I deliberately put 'First of May' as the first song in the playlist. I've been waiting for so long to put it as the first song! HAPPY FIRST OF MAY/LABOUR DAY!)

浜崎あゆみ / 『A 50 SINGLES ～LIVE SELECTION～』 web CM

Looking at her and listening to her gives me happiness, albeit a short-lived and fleeting one.
(this dvd is tempting, no?)

ok, back to study.

Updates~*

I take the trouble to choose and try the words
Indirect and hard to understand
In order to escape from pain 

But your straight, natural, beautiful 

And sometimes sad and happy words 

Pierce my heart 

Since when has all become 

So complicated like this ?

- 'Sending Mail' by Hamasaki Ayumi

1. 
Many people have been telling me this: 

"Norwegian Wood is screened in cinemas todayyyy!!!"

A part of me wants to dash straight to the cinemas without any further ado;
another part of me just wants to stay put, buried in my books and notes;
and a small part of me just wants to pretend that there's no movie adaptation of this novel at all.


I just want to protect my own, unique interpretation of this heart-achingly beautiful and poignant story.
one interpretation that I want to lock away safely, free from any form of influence.

It's that hard to find something that can never, ever change.


2. 
Reflected very thoroughly about this certain aspect of my life.

and I just want to knock myself on the head. hard.

time to wake up, to start assuming responsibilities and to answer to myself.


normally, the reason why your life is screwed up is because of yourself.
because of some incredibly stupid actions that you did brainlessly.

there's a reason why you're endowed with sufficient intelligence to engage in decision making and rational thinking - to prevent screwing up your life.

but then again, you wouldn't know, would you?


3. 
Everything seemed very surreal to me.

It's only when serious discussions started that it finally dawned on me that MY SISTER IS REALLY GOING TO GET MARRIED. 

Today, we were discussing about the number of guests we would be inviting, the number of tables we would be taking for our relatives and friends etc etc.
And also, to arrange a meeting with the in-laws over lunch a few weeks from now.

Well, it was supposed to be next sunday but my parents insisted that I turn up as well. and since yours truly would be dying together with her books next sunday, my parents wanted to postpone it till after my exams.

hmm. But seriously, what has it got to do with me? I think my parents' attendance will suffice, no? 

They've already fixed the ROM date and the wedding banquet will be exactly a year from the ROM date.

I'm still feeling pretty detached from all these.

Everyone around me seems to be bustling with excitement- the new house, new furniture, wedding banquet venue, guests to invite, theme of wedding, wedding photoshoot (my sis and ks will be going taiwan for their wedding photoshoot) etc etc.

My sister seems rather keen to ask me to be one of her 'sisters' aka 'bridesmaid' hahaha.

Anyway, was looking at Vera Wang's wedding gowns and I realized that I have a strange preference for wedding gowns that have a sash at the waist. And sash aside, simplicity and elegance really equals to beauty.

credits

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but I think my sister should really wear something really unique.

credits

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wow! I think silver one would really suit my sister. :) 


anyway, I think it'll take some time for the excitement to set in me. Probably after they've ROM-ed? :)



4. 
Today's the last day of school and I went back school for a 45minutes test.
my last test (SCREWED).

So FINALLY, no more assignments, no more tests, no more projects, no more term papers etc etc.
Before I can even heave a sigh of relief, I need to start thinking about how on earth am I going to clear the many many many chapters I've yet to read, and the stacks of notes, readings and textbooks that I'll need to study...

Sometimes, I get really sick and tired of myself for constantly complaining and whining about school...
There are so many more things out there that are more deserving of attention and worry than these issues.

I should really shut up.


5. 
10th May will mark the day I become a TIKI-girl.
a couple of days before that will mark the day I become a BO-GEH girl.

my orthodontist is always very worried that I'm going to faint from anxiety and fear.

"Smile!!!"
*feeble attempt to smile*
"HAIYOH JASMINE.... RELAX!!!"

in the end, he had to teach me ways to get over my dental anxiety and meditate. :(
to think I'm a psych major.


6. 
"Personality tests reveal to me that I'm a high-risk depression case."

My parents nearly choked on their dinner.


Sometimes, I feel completely detached from myself, my world and basically everything around me.
I don't understand why I'm doing the things I do, why I'm heading in the direction I'm heading, why I'm feeling the way I'm feeling right now.

It's the sense of disconcertedness, the feeling that you cannot find your accelerator, nor your brake, the feeling that you're trapped in some sort of vacuum.

a blank.

but yet you can still function.
It's so disturbing.

maybe I'm burned out.
Having studied work stress, I think I have a very low resilience and my coping mechanism is warped.

the thing is, people around me seem to perceive me as a person who can achieve a lot, who is demanding of herself, and who is good at what she's doing, what she's studying and knows exactly what she wants.

that can't be further from the truth.

I'm not.

I'm really just somebody who's trudging through the desert without a compass, without a map.
and maybe all along, I've been walking in circles.
I can't even see my own footprints, given that everything will be covered with sand.

It's the feeling of fleetingness, of surrealism, of uncertainty and confusion.

But...
at the end of the day, what can I do, besides gathering whatever momentum that I've got left and walk on?

suck it in and MOVE, for goodness' sake.


7. 
you only know what you know.
you don't know what I know.
therefore, you won't know what I'm going through because you don't know what I know if I don't verbalize them out.

so, because you can only know what I reveal about myself,
you don't know what's actually going on.

and because I won't reveal much about myself,
you won't know what's going on.


8.
Life has its way of making you understand how important it is and how you shouldn't take it for granted.

I'm full of contradictions.
on one hand, I'm always giving off this depressing vibe, on the other hand, I do acknowledge the beautiful side of life, of mankind.

and of course, how beautiful a person's mind can be.


a random picture to balance out the solemness of this entry:

sherling's expression always makes me laugh

demise~*

I think I am going to die on Wednesday.
I dread getting cognitive term paper back so badly, I think if I just concentrate a little more, my heart will really stop.

the more I think about it, the more I want to stab myself...

Happy birthday Weiqi~*

Peperoni pizzeria! 

GIGANTIC pizza

Salmon & Chicken suprema

Awfully Chocolate cake. and it's really awfully chocolatey.

NUS psych peeps!

(photo credits to Zoom Ng )

Happy birthday to Weiqi (in advance)! :)

- raymond, sherling and I at the taxi stand in the super heavy rain talking about "aliens" and "UFOs" hahaha.

- mabel drove sherling, raymond and me! (with the assistance of her bf) 

- the pizzas are GARGANTUAN sized. and in the end there was so much leftovers! (raymond missed all the food)

- really enjoyed catching up with audrey, sherling, mabel and weiqi. :)

- great ambience! 

- AWFULLY chocolatey birthday cake 

it was a good break from my confinement (in my room/school)

how long has it been since I last did anything besides school-related stuff??

anyway, quote from sherling, 

"I didn't know so many things about you girls before all these get-together sessions."

and I agree totally. 

Initially, I was still worried that I might be so self-absorbed in my own worries that I'll find it hard to enjoy myself that night... but I guess my alter did a good job. 

anyway, 

B A C K T O W O R K. 

Impulse~*

the rain is stopping.

I suddenly remember the incident a week ago (approximately) when I got so frustrated with my fringe covering my eyes that
I went into the toilet,
stood in front of the mirror&sink,
grabbed a pair of scissors and

snipped it right off.

on impulse.

(thank goodness it turned out fine) 

frustrations drive you to do crazy things. (ok, maybe only me)
I can count the number of times I do things on impulse with one... no, two hands max.

so one day if I do something insane, I must either be losing it or turning into a person unconstrained by rationality. (a nicer  way of saying 'nutcase')

or maybe, I no longer care about the world. (that would be awesome. a complete transformation from who I am at the moment)

and now, back to working within boundaries.

Random~*

I'm a serial procrastinator. 

But then again, it's only justified that I'm taking a break after hours of citations, editing and research. heh. 

So, today's presentation marks the end of my list of presentations this sem.

A HUGE sigh of relief... 

so what's next? 

Last week of school and I still have 3 tests next week, one commentary piece and one toy proposal due next week. (which I'm currently working on) 

hmmm.

It really doesn't sound very end-of-sem-ish, does it? 

So, after completion of all those tasks, where am I going to find time to catch up on my readings + study for finals?

I'm so, so, So, SO doomed.

bad things aside, mabel said something really amusing during today's presentation. 

"... let's introduce ourselves. BASICALLY, I'm Mabel..."

C laughed aloud and I had to suppress my laughter.

BASICALLY. classic. 

alright. I've got nothing much to laugh or be happy about so that's about it. 

goodnight! 

cherish the time you can sleep because sleep is such a precious entity. 

I'll be deprived of it, starring at the laptop screen for a long, long time... 

DO WATCH IT BECAUSE IT'S REALLY NICE. 

Hanamizuki

missing~*

A B S E N C E


a very, very significant vacancy.


(I want to say I can, but I can't) 

on a side note: this space is so depressing that it might just get even more depressing.

the melancholy of...~*

Genuinely amused today.

I wore a pink spag top and a black cardigan to school today, and guess what, my psych friends were surprised.

"Pink Jasmine!!"

"You're so bright today! FOR ONCE! :D " 

It's quite unbelievable how something as trivial as that can cause a stir. Then again, what are the odds of seeing me wear something that's NOT BLACK, WHITE or GREY or BROWN? 

that's a nice prelude to what I'm going to write about. 

Anyway, before I carry on, I need to state that this is probably gonna be quite lengthy and long-winded and boring. 

So, it's advisable not to read any further than this. 

brave souls,

I've been thinking a lot for the past few days. 

(Well, I usually think quite a bit so you can imagine how many thoughts have been running through my mind when I say 'a lot'.) 

Anyway, it's because I've got no life at the moment, except dealing with loads and loads of upcoming tests, assignments, readings etc etc. 

Usually before I sleep, I'll reflect on what I've done for the day, what I'm going to do tomorrow, and other minor trivial stuff. 

and recently, the 'minor trivial stuff' have somehow exploded into 'many many overwhelming things'. 

On the source of my melancholy.

Why?

I honestly have no idea. 

I don't want to perceive myself as someone who's perpetually depressed and neurotic. 

So, there must be a cause right?

Sheer boredom?

For fun? 

Self-pity?

Attention?

Hormones?

I wish.

If not, then it must be something to do with my mentality.

my faulty, warped mind. 

before I decided to draw a conclusion based on that, something started bugging me. 

something resembling... expectations? 

It seems that my expectations and demands of myself are in one way or another feeding this vileness within me.

Crazy as it sounds, the very want to be better is making me go in the reverse direction.

Expectations are good, if they are realistic.

If not, then they're just wishful thinking which leads to incredibly stupid efforts to try and attain that... unattainable something. 

you try and reach for something too far out and you end up plunging into an abyss.

a very good definition of self-induced misery, pain and disappointment.

and a demonstration of what insanity can do to you. 

so, I end up feeling immensely horrible about myself, about my inadequacy and mediocrity, when the very goal I set for myself has been out of reach all this while. 

that's just plain stupidity to an extremely large degree. 

Kind of amusing in some sadistic, dark way. 

But then, things just get even more amusing.

because even after hurting yourself repeatedly, you still want to reach out for it and fall again. 

craziness, well documented. 

On perpetual insanity

sometimes, you get robbed of sanity and you become irrational.

deadlines, workload and many more problems that I shall not elaborate further. 

I'll try and keep things under control and regulate my emotions whenever I can, in whatever ways I can.

But sometimes, it just escalates. 

the more you suppress, the more they will come back and haunt you. 

and make your life even more miserable than it already is.

you know that very well.

you know that suppression doesn't work.

but yet, you still want to do it. 

you still want to live on borrowed time.

On coping mechanisms. 

just
like an escapade

like a clam,

like sweeping everything under the carpet,

like putting a finger in a hole in a dam, 

like pressing a reset button over and over...

and now, a new form of mechanism - dissociation.

dissociate from your troubled self and take on the persona of this ridiculously different person altogether.
can be quite intimidating, if you ask me. almost like having dissociative disorder.
but it's different, because it's a conscious effort.

strip it of its nice and fanciful label,
it's just 'pretense'. 

of course, we're all skilled at it in one way or another, but to be able to switch back and forth effortlessly requires a lot of practice and trials.

I used to think it's detrimental to some extent. because it's nothing but... faking.
hypocritical?
but then, I realized, as long as it makes others happy, then why not?

girls like to put concealer on their faces,
wear thick makeup...
why?
because they want to conceal something not very pretty?

or they just simply want to look presentable and pleasant to look at.
quote from my sis, "as a basic respect to other people, you have to look presentable." 

in what way is that different from concealing some ugly side of your inner self? 

On black, white and grey.

"I've got an Espana red adidas jacket that my sis gave me for my 20th birthday last year and I only wore it once in Cameron." 
"WHY???? if it's me, I'll keep wearing it!!!"
"Because it's too bright???" 

sometimes, you just want to blend into the crowd and disappear inside.
it's draining to be constantly recognized, looked at and judged.

I'm not good at meeting other people's eyes.
I tend to avert gazes.
I'm not a social butterfly.
I have difficultly carrying small talks with people I'm not familiar with.
I'm painfully self-conscious.
I have a low self-esteem.

So, head down, hidden eyes, 

black, black black. 

On the bottom line

so, what's the problem here?
the very fundamental problem?

"Everything boils down to one's self-esteem" 

I can't agree with Mabel more. 

self-esteem. 

Sounds like it's the end of the world for me, doesn't it?
sounds like that's the end of jasmine; she's doomed.

but somehow, I'm still here.
somehow, somehow, you're still able to see a perfectly functioning person.
why?

because she has her coping mechanisms, remember?
whoever who's writing this entry at the moment.
one of the alters.


so, in other words, it's a good thing.
and in other words, she'll need to find a way to heal that troubled self.
so that she can integrate back again.

if you perceive the world through tainted lenses, it'll be tainted, no matter where you look. 

time to remove those glasses, jasmine. 

So,

hormones? I truly, truly wish.