Hello 2011!~*

(a scheduled post. I hope it works!)

credits

People around me have been lamenting about how year 2010 seems to 'zooooom past'.

in a snap of fingers, poof! we're all rushing to get the new organizers, calendars, preparing for the new year etc.

But really, from my 20 years of experience, new year doesn't exactly feel like a new year (except for the '11' you write instead of '10').

It just feels like a new day instead.

Then again, the whole meaning of a 'new year' resides within.

And so, reflections&resolutions time!

What I've learned in year 2010:

1. Working in the service sector is not as simple as it seems. We should all respect people who serve us, be it in f&b or in retail. You'll understand what I mean when you try working in that industry.

2. Never underestimate the power of a smile - be it at work or in school or just hanging out with people.

3. I can play piano - haha, at least allowing me to pass my final grade! yipee! :) It's all rusty now but I promise I won't neglect my baby and I'll try not to.

4. Salmon sashimi is love. can't get enough of it - well, I'm not exactly talking about 238721387374812934 plates of that at one go though haha. Well, salmon anything is good. yum.

5. Brains are sexy - witty people are such a turn-on, no???

6. My love for Murakami and Ishiguro is never going to diminish. and where on earth is my 1Q84?!

7. My tolerance level for the public transport system as well as technology is so, so, so low. I get impatient very easily and I believe that might be the cause of surging blood pressure (if I do have hbp). Ditto for crowds.

8. I actually survived statistics. :) and maintaining your cap is just not an easy feat.

9. An apple a day does help to keep the doctor away. maybe not an apple but well, fruits and vegetables.

10. Only by opening your heart will you allow happiness to seep in.

I'm being very, very vague here. But anyway, the thing is, what happened in year 2010 seemed to be all jumbled up with year 2009 and 2008 etc etc... so I can't exactly pinpoint exact events that occurred, unless I go and look through all my blog posts.

So, anyway, time to look back at my resolutions for year 2010 and see how accomplished I was for the year.

(taken from 31st December 2009 entry)

That's terrible!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! >.<>. (I nearly typed 2020. lol)

1. Be more generous (hmm. Not too sure about that. but I'm no longer so giam about changes when we split the bill :))
2. Be more diligent in practising piano (ahh! hahaha yes yes, definitely!)
3. Appreciate the people around you for what they've done (hmm, I'm trying to. In the process of doing so.)
4. Constantly reflect on the things I do. (yes yes, definitely. LOOK AT MY BLOG. haha)
5. Stop hurting people around me. (I don't know about this but I know it's better than last year)
6. Lift my head when I walk (ahhh... I did try. Not easy!)
7. Be more positive. try. (I tried! But perhaps a FAIL for this)
8. Reduce the number of times I stay up late. (FAIL.)
9. Spend more time with my family. (I did, until my work started)
10. TAKE CARE OF MY LAOSAI HEALTH. (YES YES I'm so proud that I'm illness-free for the year!!! except maybe occasional sorethroats and diarrhoea. Back to my optimum health level!!! :) :) :) :))
11. Spend less (eh... probably less than the previous year but not that much lesser either)
12. Learn to be satisfied with what I have, who I am. (am trying)
13. Be stronger (am trying)
14. No more empty promises (hmmm. I tried to fulfill my promises.)
15. Love life (HA. I wonder about this too)
16. Help to the best of my capabilities (ok.... not too bad, I guess)
17. Mean what I say (HAHAHA. in a way, yes)
18. Not to make anyone cry because of me. (I don't know about this but I'm guessing it's a 'yes')
19. Don't let my thoughts wander too far out. (a big fat FAIL)
20. Give my 150% in all I do. (if it's in terms of schoolwork, piano, work, then perhaps that's a yes. :))

Verdict: YESSS. I did accomplish a lot more than the previous year. :)

So, now, my new year resolutions for year 2011!

1. Approach everything with an open mind and an open heart.

2. Cast a positive light on negative thoughts

3. Reduce depressing entries and update more about the happy things in my life - this blog shall not be a breeding ground for depression

4. Reduce expenditure

5. Give my 200% in everything I do

6. Be more sociable

7. Clean up my room more often

8. Be thankful for the day, everyday of my life.

9. Initiate more gatherings with friends, both old and new

10. Stop being so whiny at times

11. Play the piano when I'm free. Don't let my skills become rusty.

12. Be thankful to people who have stood/will stand by me.

13. Be accepting of imperfections - both mine as well as others

14. Make the effort to keep in contact with loved ones

15. Start saving!

16. Sleep early, for goodness' sake.

17. Spend more time with my family

18. Don't compare

19. Learn things that I'd wanted to learn - sign language and morse code (HAHAHA)

20. Treat my belongings with care

21. Love life

21 resolutions for 21 years of living...

which means, soon, I'll be an adult. legally.

gosh.

to sum up the year,

it has been one made up of simple pleasures.

so, so tranquil and ... peaceful.

simplicity is the hallmark of this year. and I'm not complaining.

an underrated characteristic that, in my opinion, should be the most appreciated one.

I don't want a chaotic and dramatic life. Neither do I want to experience the gargantuan ups and downs. I've had enough roller coaster rides, which is why simplicity is what I set out to achieve this year. and probably the next, too.

This year.

No doubt I've learnt a lot a lot.

regarding friendships, love, work, school, family, health...

many of which can only be learned the hard way.

but somehow, things won't turn out to be so bad in the end.

For me,

I believe I have changed in the sense that I'm no longer so free-spirited as I was.

Many events that I've encountered along the way have taught me to tread my path with care and caution.

Still thinking and feeling too much. Instead of Freud's 'wandering uterus', mine will be a 'wandering mind', which drifts off easily.

Not only that, I believe I have learned to accept that not everybody behave in the same way as I do, and that there is, perhaps, no 'right' or 'wrong' after all. since who dictates what's 'right' and what's 'wrong' anyway?

So, ultimately, I still hope to love people, regardless of their flaws because who am I to change them when I myself am as flawed as everyone out there, if not more flawed?

In the coming year, it's definitely about achieving the balance between free-spiritedness and staying grounded.

(personally, I believe that's what an ideal adult ought to be :))

ok, here comes the ultimate photo of year 2010:

HAHAHA!!!

Jasmine the alien. oh my. XD I love it so much. Scared my sis to death. :D

okok, something easier on the eyes :) (I HOPE!!!!!!)

haha yup yup. enjoy the remains of year 2010 and let's all welcome 2011. :)

may the coming year be an even better year for all of us.

To positivity, good health, and the vanishing of unhappiness.

Happy 2011 in advance!

make a change~*

A choice? Personality trait? Habit?

I got warned, threatened, frightened, chided and convinced to make a positive change for the new year 2011 by this old friend of mine who has become zen-like.

somebody who told me off for reading too much dark tales and urging me to start picking up mitch albom and cecilia ahern.

"I'm reading a very inspiring story now! About how a woman mends her wounds and pieces herself back together with the help of others!"
"...and in the end, did she commit suicide?"

ohhhh, come on.

yes, yes. I'm already thinking about my resolutions.

Updates~*

(on the package of the gift to SG)

It seemed to be that this was the way we all lived: full to the brim with gratitude and joy one day, wrecked on the rocks the next. Finding the balance between the two was the art and the salvation.

- 'The Year of Pleasures' by Elizabeth Berg

1. On Christmas
Although I had to work on christmas eve, christmas day as well as boxing day, that didn't completely diminish that christmas spirit in me.
Like I've heard many times before, the true spirit of christmas resides in your heart, within you. It's not just christmas gifts, lightings, carols, sumptuous feasts... and indeed, it isn't.

Without any of those, one can still feel that peace of mind and simple joy which defines christmas (for me).
Most importantly, it's a time to forgive and embrace. not to hold grudges and cage yourself up with blind anger and vengeance, no?

Anyhow, I do feel blessed this christmas, despite letting tears flow on both days.

Because I had been such a whiny brat, I feel even more blessed to have people who are still willing to love me, despite my irritating mannerisms. Which makes you love them even more, no?

I feel (note the tense) so bad for behaving the way I did and pissing off even the most patient person I've encountered in my life.
Chided myself over and over again.

Now when I look back at that day, I want to slap myself for carrying over the negativity that stemmed from my very own thoughts... a very, very bad habit that needs to be corrected.

a new new year resolution.


2. on Forgiveness&Love - two of the greatest gifts one can give
those are the two best gifts I've received this year.
a smack in the face, a wake-up call to myself.

not just the look of disappointment on your face, but also the way you smiled at me later on.

3. on the DESPERATE need for a christmas miracle
my phone is dying.
all because of yours truly...

my poor, poor baby got soaked in melted chocolate and so the speaker is not quite working.

"your phone is... LG chocolate right?"

oh my. SG!!!! XD

4. on those blessed with superior genes
I'm not one of those people.
those are the people whom everyone fantasize themselves to be.

sometimes when I look around, I see so many beautiful people around, many of my friends included.
Then I'll start to wonder, when they see me, what will they be thinking?

"ahhh. an inferior species."

is that what they'll think?

lucky people who have the ability to flaunt every aspect of themselves.
brains, skin, eyes, nose, legs, hair, charisma...

of course I long to be like that too.
to be so effortlessly perfect.

but unfortunately, I'm not perfect.
Far from perfection, actually.
and most of the imperfection lies somewhere that is the hardest to change.
bad habits, negative thinking and the list goes on forever.

still trying.
but gotta try harder.
another new year resolution.


5. on looks
when a person says you're good looking, does it occur to you that they're actually praising your parents and your parents' parents and their parents etc etc?


6. on defense mechanisms
you see, when a person questions you why you chose a particular person to be your gf/bf because 'you can do much better', you can just retort that

"because you don't know him/her as well as I do."

that's it.

because.


7. on gratefulness
okay, back to christmas.
I really wanna thank everybody for their christmas wishes, lovely gifts (px&gift-exchange in mph), awesome ladies' night!(mou&pr&tako), spending quality time with tako, well wishes&care&concern (KL), EMAILS & TEXT MSGES (karen!) surprise visit to mph on xmas (kkun!), nice, long talk on the pathway halfway btw our blocks (stupid nic and his equally funny xmas gift), making new friends (the gang), logcake (family!) and being showered with love and care and understanding by you. :)

you don't notice how much people have done for you until you reflect and truly appreciate what every single one of them have done for you :)

photos!



































looking so drunk.




































hahaha. photos are deceiving. they're more bubbly and cheerful than me. :)


















the gang!
























teehee. :)

now that christmas has passed, it's time for new year resolutions. :)
time to go and contemplate about them.

enjoy the remaining 4 days of year 2010! 4 more days of work!!!

Merry Xmas~*

A very black eve of christmas eve :)

Merry Christmas everyone!
Enjoy the great weekend :)

(for me, I'll be spending mine in black pants and polo-tee. haha)

Seven-Day War~*

Today is the day Jasmine thought she might just snap and curl up in the corner of the store and die.

It was a joke between us when W said "Later the queue might just end at the Management section" (it's FAR from the cashier counter)

But indeed, it was 3/4 there. nearly ended at the magazine section, which is right at the opposite end of the store.

The bad news is there were only C, W and me struggling to cope with the queue. (D and N were on MC. take care D and N! get well soon)

And I'm not taught to do cashiering, which makes it hard for me to help much, other than gift-wrap (OH MY), answer enquiries, pack the books...

well, if you know about social facilitation (social psychology), then you'd know what happened to me this afternoon.

I feel bad for not knowing how to do lots of things and for panicking when I really shouldn't.

It was just too overwhelming, I guess.

None of us could have a proper break at all.

The queue was never-ending, so were the phone calls, enquiries, gift-wrapping requests...

the store was in complete chaos...

and seeing how W and C persevered and worked hard, I feel I paled in comparison.

(and I indeed turned pale)

I was truly exhausted and drained. Like how you feel when your throat is being slit open and hung upside down.

you feel the flow of energy out of your body.

and the worst was the AWFUL crowd at the station. (whatever happened to the train service earlier on...)

I had to wait 384712836 trains before I could squeeze on it.

It has become a routine where I would just sit at the platform for a while to rest my legs.

and it has also become a time for me to reflect on the day's work.

tonight, I'd wanted to just sit there forever and feel miserable about myself.

And the crowd aggravated everything.

I felt suffocated.

Nevermind, I'll fight the Seven-Day War.

(again, I'm glad for my colleagues)

On the sidenote: I know I should just go and sleep, but if I don't get this off my chest, I'll explode.

sacrificed~*

Perhaps I didn't need another yoga class.
Perhaps all around me were masters, both visible and unseen.
Perhaps my "job" now was to learn what I needed to learn.

John and I had often talked about how focused our culture was on distraction, about how ill suited we were to staying with things, following them through in a respectful and thorough way.

There was a great discomfort with quiet, with stillness, at the same time there was acknowledgement of how valuable these things could be.

I once read an essay about a woman who spent an entire day simply looking at what she had, really seeing all the things she'd put in her house.
I was as guilty as anyone else of buying books I never read, of rushing through days without ever looking up, of taking for granted things for which I should give thanks every day.

Who appreciated their good health until they lost it?
Who said grace?
Who read to their children before bed without one eye on the clock, despairing of all they had to do before they themselves could sleep?
Who engaged cashiers in grocery stores in conversations?

Everyone seemed in a blind hurry, and there was no relief in sight.
Technology rushed us ever forward, and simple civility - a certain kindness and care - got sacrificed.

- 'The Year of Pleasures' by Elizabeth Berg

I really couldn't agree more.
It voiced out what I have been feeling for a very long time.
But then again, words are just words.

All will pass~*

credits

"...You're going to have all kinds of people giving you advice. You're going to be tempted to follow some script, to show some sense of propriety. Don't do it. It will give me peace to know that what you will do is exactly what we talked about."

I began to cry and he took my hand, looked into my eyes.

"You're stronger than you know, Betta; you can do this," he said. "I've seen it happen so often where one person dies and then the other dies in spirit. don't let that happen to you."

- 'The Year of Pleasures' by Elizabeth Berg

The tears were already swimming in my eyes and I had to blink them away.
Such a strong urge to just bawl my eyes out on the train.

it's the feeling of fear mixed with dread and despondency...

because we all know that one day, our significant others will pass away.
people whom we love, people who love us...
all will pass.

even though it's just a fleeting thought, it grips me forcefully. like a hard slap on my face.

what will it be like then, when I lose them?
Irreplaceable void.
Endlessly deep abyss. And I will fall through it.
a part of me will never smile.
a part of me made up of the person will vanish.

I don't know why I have to go and think about such depressing things.
it depresses me so bad, I just want to go and sleep and shut my mind down...

I keep telling myself to 'hang in there'.

when the going gets tough...

the going gets tough.

that's all there is to it.

my mind is not functioning optimally. and i'm tired. i'm very, very tired.

family~*

cherish them. be concerned about them. cherish the time you have together. enjoy the times. love them with all your heart. respect them. acknowledge them. help them ladle soup and pile their plates and bowls with food. treasure them. laugh with them. talk to them. smile at them. help them in whatever ways you can. just... be with them.

love them,
love them,
love them.

because these are the most I can do for them. and these actions are nothing compared to what they have given us. yes, there have been unhappiness... but still, I can never do enough for them. nothing will ever equate to their unconditional love...

love your family.


stop telling yourself there's always time in future to be filial because time is always ticking away...

(really enjoyed the special steamboat dinner with my family tonight. makes me happy when everyone is happy...:) simple happiness... sometimes, that's what we all need)

浜崎あゆみ / do it again

updates~*

"dance, dance, dance, do it again...
sing, sing, sing, do it again..."
- 'Do it again' by Ayu

1. on solitude
I'm getting used to eating alone.
I have to admit that it took some time to get used to. (it was the same as my previous job, but during that time my boss had cooked for us anyway)
but nevertheless, after some time, I learnt to enjoy the moment of solitude.
Just spending time with myself.
watching the world go by, watching the matcha powder swirl in my hot matcha green tea, observing the way beancurd wobble on my spoon (HAHA), listening to conversations...
just observing, pondering, watching, listening... getting in touch with the world.

and it's not called loneliness.






















went there during one of my breaks.






















although it looks like black coffee, it's actually my favourite matcha green tea. tully's is actually better than mof's. (maybe because mof's is iced)






















raisin and cinammon bagel (love the smell of cinammon. anyway, I like my bagel plain.)

btw, I really like the beancurd from Breadbar Cafe @ Square 2. (no pictures)
and hmm... I think the guy working there knows me already. haha.

2. on sneak reading.
yes, I read some of the books when there are fewer customers around. sshhhh.
and I find some really interesting. like 'why do ear wax taste so gross - and other facts' (children book)
and books on 'how to start conversations', 'get a life, not a job', 'how to avoid dating a jerk' etc etc.
well, well, I'm not slacking alright? this should be considered as employee benefit, no? :)

3. on my achilles heel.
I can't do gift-wrapping.
not now, not forever. period.

4. on customer service
you just have to bear in mind that they're fellow human beings who are rational and nice, that's all.
then naturally, you'll put yourself in their shoes.
serve them well, help them when they need help...
of course, not to forget the power of a smile and a friendly attitude.

5. on my malleability
I realized I have a malleable personality. (a term I think I invented)
maybe it's because I score high on Agreeableness (on the Big Five).
which explains how I can be like this at an instant and like that in the next.
almost as if I have no fixed shape and no mind of my own.

6. on meeting up with cousins
lots of catching-up to do.
but then again, the whole evening was more like a sharing session.
of horror flicks, experimental films, snuff films (yucks) and dark tales...

like I've said (for about the millionth time), it runs in the family.


















chilled at gloria jean's.


































I heart hot green tea.


















I heart my sis' chamomile. (but definitely not yl's ICED chamomile tea with a little syrup. it tasted like ...)



















cousins!

(will be taking more pictures from now on. I'm getting annoyed by how dull my blog has become)

ok, time to sleep! night, world :)

Lynch Love~*

My newfound love - David Lynch.
Because he can creep me out and make my brain spin in just a mere 3 minutes and 48 seconds.

David Lynch's 'The Alphabet' (and you gotta watch right till the end)



yl: that's how kids should learn their ABCs.
jas: they'll grow up to be like us.
yl: equally screwed.

And what's more fascinating is that I'm not alone in finding this strangely intriguing and captivating. (some of my friends on fb shared this link with their friends too)

one thing leads to another and soon I'm watching his 'Rabbits', 'The Grandmother', 'Absurda' and going to watch his 'Eraserhead' and 'Inland Empire'...
and just when I felt my mind has been desensitized to such mind-boggling content, Lynch proved me wrong. He exposed me to an entirely new level of sweet insanity.
Alright, enough said. or rather, there's nothing more to be said. You'd just have to watch them to understand what I mean.

Absurdity is what I like most in life, and there's humor in struggling in ignorance. If you saw a man repeatedly running into a wall until he was a bloody pulp, after a while it would make you laugh because it becomes absurd.
- David Lynch

work!~*

credits

zzzzzzz.
if not for the fact that my hair takes AGESSSSSSSS to dry (and I refuse to use hairdryer for some reason), I would have jumped straight into bed and snooze away.

and so, I decided to blog to keep my head from smacking right onto the dining room table.

just a mere 2 days at mph and I'm already feeling muscle ache.

N: jas! do you need the chair?
Jas: yes... I'm having muscle ache already...
(N & WM laughed their heads off)
N: like old woman! XD

yessss.
and I've got so many bruises on my knees plus muscle ache from standing, walking, kneeling and squatting. I don't sit when I commute to work. (a 37 mins ride). I only sit during break time (1 hour).

poor, poor legs. :(

anyway, I'm still stressed when customers approach me for help to find/recommend books.
thank goodness for my colleagues there. If not I would just stare and freeze on the spot.
I still have so much more to learn, really.
tomorrow and the day after are gonna be super busy days so... good luck to me!!!!!!!!

It's always fascinating to see what books people read and buy and the types of books that certain types of people buy. :)

I just feel really really blessed to have great, helpful and friendly colleagues and supervisor. :)
plus, we'll be exchanging xmas gifts. (since we'll be spending christmas working together)

ahhh, just feel very, very thankful for having colleagues who are willing to help out a very very lost temp staff.
(I was REALLY lost and discouraged and stressed out yesterday... but today was so much better)

2 days and the vast amount of experience that I have gained already. :)

alrighttttt. i think i'm going to sleep soon. so, so exhausted!!
goodnight, world. :)


random: I was so excited and thrilled to see a pile of 'Norwegian Wood' next to a pile of 'Never Let Me Go' on the counter. hahahahahaha. and guess who walked into the store today? Michelle Chia! and she looks absolutely gorgeous. :) :) :) :)

Updates~*

You’re damaged and tattered
But that’s why you know strength

- 'Love Song' by Ayumi Hamasaki

1.

my last day to rot thoroughly and slack and nua and just become a pile of warm mud.

because I'll be starting work at MPH Bookstore (Novena Square branch) tomorrow till the end of the year.
well, well, well.
like I said, it came as a pleasant surprise because first, I have no recollection of ever sending my resume to mph. secondly, who wants a temp staff when it's already... two weeks into december? and thirdly, who wants a temp staff with no retail experience? and lastly, it's a BOOK STORE!!!

the downside will be that I'll hardly have any rest during this holidays.
not to mention the fact that my xmas plans will be washed down the drain. :(
but anywayyy, at least I'll have the night free, and it's only for about 18 days?

so, tomorrow will be the start of my very first retail experience.
getting the jitters and butterflies already.
but still, hope for the best! *fingers crossed*


2. 'Love Songs'

credits

It has been so long since I last posted anything about Ayu.
So here it is, the cover of her upcoming album 'Love Songs'.

Not bad at all, eh?
Looking good, ayu!
And the song's pretty addictive too. plus the unbearably honest lyrics. :)

3. Photos
you know, I'm a very, very bad photographer (nothing as compared to karen or raphael's photographs) and I'm an equally bad or worse photograph-ee (you know what I mean).
so well, it makes me sad to see all these pretty sceneries and lightings and people that I just want to snap! snap! snap! but their true beauty can never be captured adequately by me! :(
baaaaaah.

but anyway, some photos to share! (relatively decent ones)






















@ town.
christmas trees are just gorgeous.






















a christmas tree made up of ferrero rocher.
yum!


















the inside of the HUGEEE christmas tree outside Ion. It feels hypnotic & dreamy when you look up.

4. Hatched

Nothing beats having a great breakfast to kickstart your day.
And one of the best places to have it is none other than Hatched at Evans Lodge.
(their website is incredibly cute!)


















pretty, old, quaint building.
































haha very cute interior design. :)


















they serve awesome awesome omelettes!
(I like mine with tomatoes, mushrooms, spinach and ham. :) though I think cheese would've been good with omelettes too)
and so is their coffee!

SG: their milk (for coffee) is warm.

HAHAHA yes, like finally.

Anyway, SG's poached eggs were good too! but just a bit too much vinegar. Not that I mind, though. :)

but the mega plus point is definitely the good customer service, friendly staff and ambience.
It feels out of Singapore, detached from the hustle and bustle of urban life.
Ideal place to hang out on some slow-paced, lazy saturday morning.
and it was drizzling outside! awesome. :)

definitely worth the trip there. especially if you're an egg-lover like me. :)


5.
moments like this when you think about your life and truly, truly take in the fact that you're loved.

"Do you have someone dear to you?
Can you cherish that person?
Hold that person gently but tightly
Before you lose him or her"

- 'Love Song' by Ayu


and it's not based on exchanges and weighing of costs and rewards.
it's based solely on the want and the need to love and cherish.
your friends, your family, your significant others.

because time is ticking. the amount of time you have with them is reducing, reducing, reducing...
okokok. enough of pessimism.

look on the bright side, you still have them now. :)


6.
I feel so exhausted when my sister's on leave. like, seriously.

7.
to end off, here's something meaningful I've read from somewhere.

"Spend money on things you can spend money on.
And spend time with things you can only spend time with."























bye! and enjoy the lovely, cooling weather!

CHERISH~*

credits

没有谁能忘记这真挚情谊

你会祝福我我也会祝福你

且把泪水轻轻拭去期待再相遇

就算相见无期在某个夜里

你会想起我我也会想起你

默契永存你我心底情缘系千里

且行且珍惜

- '且行且珍惜' by Jeff Chang

(歌词表达的意思还有一层是关于离别的态度--没有怨恨，悲痛，反而是感激，宽容，希翼与祝福。)

且行且珍惜

字面含义：一边走着，一边珍惜着。一边漫步人生之旅，一边在漫步的过程中体会生活，捕捉感动你也感动他人的一点一滴，学会感恩，学会珍惜。

(Credits)

generosity, kindness, forgiveness, gratefulness, appreciation.

what lies ahead? we do not know.

what have we been through? history has already been written.

what's left is the present.

not to be held back by shackles made of regrets and bitterness.

the key to the chain is, ultimately, that ability to open up your mind, your heart, to allow happiness to seep through, slowly, slowly.

to forgive and then to allow the acid feeling of sullenness to vapourize.

to confront it, acknowledge it, validate it and then let it drift off.

if everything clutters in our heart, then there's no way anything can ever enter our heart again.

despite all the happy things and people around us, we just cannot see or feel them, because we're blinded by wrath and unhappiness.

the only way to let things in, good or bad, is to open up.

the bad can seep through too.

but if we never open up, then nothing can ever enter.

again, from time to time, acknowledge all the lovable people around us.

and embrace the moments when that smile creeps unknowingly onto your face.

CONFESSIONS~*

this is the 5th time I'm re-writing this entry.

alternating between writing something cheerful and simple and verbalizing the feeling of an infinite abyss...

disclaimer: I'm not depressed/upset. I'm writing things matter-of-factly.

Confession #1:
There exists 2 jasmines.

one embodies colours and humour and happiness and love.
another embodies frustration and unhappiness... not at others, but at herself. at her incompetencies, her imperfection, her ugliness.
one is a solid, concrete figure while the other is just a shadow trailing behind.
they alternate from time to time.

it's really not as scary as it sounds.
on one hand, I feel very blessed and loved and fortunate. but on the other hand, something about myself gnaws at me.

because.
I.think.too.much.too.much.too.much.too.much

Confession #2:
I can't write.

I just cannot write.
I don't know how to verbalize many of the things I think and feel.
the words I use are just inadequate. pathetic.

my writings are only 1/3 of the intensity that I want to express.

Confession #3:
I fear many things.
and one of which is revealing too much here.

as if I'm cutting myself up and displaying my insides on a table for people to examine and evaluate.

Evaluation.
A word that awakens fear and anxiety within me.

Then why blog, right?
good question. I'm trying to answer that too.

I'm struggling to be vague and vivid at the same time.
hmm. you can never be vague enough, can you?


anyhow, in short, what I want to say is that there are things keeping me sane, keeping me together, keeping me in balance and yet I'm tearing myself apart.
shit you, jasmine.

Merry Christmas Mr Lawrence~*

Tentatively, my eyes scanned the notes, and my fingers moved.
ever so cautiously, as if the notes would shatter if I pressed too hard.

I had to wince.
I can't believe how stiff my fingers have become.

'Merry Christmas Mr Lawrence/Forbidden Colours' by Sakamoto Ryuichi.

5 flats. terrific.
after such a long break from piano playing, I was completely aghast to realize how much my playing has deteroriated... but that won't keep me from trying. because the music is so moving.

this is such a moving performance that really... I was at a loss for words when I watched it.
it gave me goosebumps. (esp the part when the powerful staccato and pizzacato came in.)
partly it was because of the youtube comments:

"I love how there's an asian, a caucasian and a black man playing such beautiful music together, and we're all listening to it and being moved. It's stuff like this that makes you sit back and think maybe humanity really does have a hope." (link)




and indeed, many thoughts were racing through my mind while I was watching it.

the very notion of humanity.
and the seemingly gradual, imminent (and inexorable???) erosion of humanity...

the world can never be as one, can it?
unless we all become blind and deaf one day...


funny, how a video of a performance of a trio (piano, violin and cello) can set us thinking about such profound issues.


on a sidenote, I might end up having a temp job this holidays after all. it was such a surprise.

dear stranger~*

I connected my external hard drive to my laptop and out of curiosity, opened up some old folders.
Past projects, reports, songs and many, many old photos.
many of which made me smile to myself, laugh aloud even. (my signature mushroom/helmet hair. upload them? OVER MY DEAD BODY. anyway, tako, joyce and yy will forbid me too)
But then, there were also many that made me stopped breathing.

what was it like back then?
when we didn't know what to expect, or what would become of us.
to take photos, as if they could freeze time,
as if we could go back to where we came from.

memories were triggered. already turning serpia. but nevertheless, the sharp stab right through me.


















I have absolutely no idea why I took a picture of this. but I can still remember exactly why I wrote that.

stuff like that, which were buried deep down somewhere in my mind, in my heart.


tell me, how can one protect one's memories from fading?
it gets frustrating after a while, when edges blur and blur and everything just get smudged like putting an ink-written letter out in the rain.

I feel sad, when I think about it.
that months, years, decades later, I will look back and can't remember things as vividly as before.
who did what with whom? said what to whom?

It shouldn't be this way. the most beautiful memories ought to be properly preserved and locked up delicately in a intricate box.
but no matter how hard I try, conditions of memories will just deteroriate.

blurring, blurring, fading, fading away...

just like life.
tick, tock, tick tock.

















dear stranger,
when we walk past each other and our eyes lock. please hold my gaze.
we might not remember as clearly how we knew each other, how we became friends, how much we've laughed together and talked, how much we needed each other and eventually drifted apart.
but something that will remain clear will be that undeniable surge of emotions and memories, however smudged they might be.

even if it's only temporal, please feel the connection.
that once, once, on a day just like this, we used to see our reflections in each other's eyes.

Random~*

of all the poses here, mine is the most perplexing. but then again, I only had one free hand yeah?
eh nono, joyce's is equally puzzling. haha.

but don't you think this is a beautiful photo? I really think it is! Very autumn-y. :)
and of course, credit goes to the photographer and editor. :))))))))))

1. Material Girl
Listening to this song (3rd song in my playlist) makes me all bouncy and happy. :)
Actually, Madonna has pretty good songs, you know.
Frozen (awesome song), Material Girl, Like a Virgin, Ray of Light, Hung up, Vogue, 4 minutes etc etc.

2. All over the place
Anyway, my preference in songs&music is just so peculiar.
it ranges from timeless classics to the less well-known indie bands, from classical music to New Orleans music to bossa nova to smooth jazz to pop to rock to those eerie, ethereal ambient music.
from Chopin&Debussy&Stravinsky to The Beatles&Astrud Gilberto&Ray Charles to TheKillers&Imogen Heap to Ayu&Boa&Gackt&Gakky to Norah Jones&Jazzamor&Sophie Zelmani&Tori Amos...

It's just crazy, the whole range of things I listen to.
I remember myself writing this
'I like songs that can teleport me away'.
Still so, so true.

But I'd have to admit that I've got a thing for oldies and classics and those uber mushy and romantic love songs that we always hear during weddings.

so, to add on to that sentence,
'I like songs that can teleport me away/strike a chord on my heartstrings'


3. The Beatles
there are people out there who claim that they like The Beatles but have never heard a single song by them.
For some reasons I cannot quite comprehend, it seems that liking The Beatles has become something rather trendy and cool.
Like a statement that 'I'm different from the overwhelming pool of fans of Lady Gaga and Beyonce etc etc'.
Hmm, but then again, there ARE people out there who truly enjoy their music and not because it makes them... well, different? Well, correct me if I'm wrong about that but I just feel that there's this ongoing thing about The Beatles.

'Who do you listen to?'
'The Beatles.'
'OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!'

something like that.


4. the love of petit provence

I think I'm so in love with the kaya wassant that I believe I can just eat it for breakfast, lunch and dinner and be thoroughly satisfied :)

I can't pinpoint what's exactly so addictive about it. It's just different from any other bread you can get from confectionaries. There's no filling inside. Rather, it's just thin circles of kaya around it.
The POWER of it, despite its very very small size.
I've been going to town for the past few days and I just couldn't help but notice them when I walk past Petit Provence. They called out to me.

"Pssssst.........!!!!!! :D :D :D"

















credits
(this is the cream wassant. couldn't get the pic of the kaya one)

and to think I was telling SG how sick I am of having bread for breakfast practically every freaking day.

btw, I tried the cinammon and coffee roll as well as the pafu pafu bun.
ohhhh. the pafu pafu bun is fantastic!! it has no filling and no flavour actually, just something very very plain and not even sweet. but the texture is so goooood! so chewy. :))))

you guys should really try them out.
Even my sis who is not a fan of sweet stuff likes the chocolate wassant. :)

next place to have breakfast - Provence Bakery & Cafe at Holland V/Orchard Ion!
hahahahaha (lots of hint)


5. racking brains over what psychology modules to take next sem.
Time doesn't just fly, it zooms. nono, give me a verb that's faster than 'zoom'.


6.
Awesome Animation

this never fails to make me smile, no matter how many times i've watched it. :)


I think I'm off to read my Wind-up Bird Chronicles. :)