Not there yet~*

Did I imagine this kind of future?
Did you imagine this kind of future?

Did I wish for this kind of future?
Did you wish for this kind of future?

They ask me
"The beginning or the end?"

"Did you give up
Or are you holding on?"

"Are you shrugging off
Or in despair?"

You tell me
Just to go forward

Can I accept this kind of era?
Can you accept this kind of era?

They ask me
"Do you go with the flow or want to stop it?"

"Do you turn a blind eye
Or aren't you even looking?"

"Are you fighting
Or raising the white flag?"

It's no time
To play a victim and escape

You see? We and this world have no sign of slowing down
If the acceleration just increase this way ...

Is it because I've become strong
That I can be without tears
Or ... ?

- 'Mirrocle World' by Ayu

You want to be stronger.

You want to live as if every day is worth living for.

You want to believe in people.

You want people to accept and appreciate you.

But ultimately, how far are you willing to go to be accepted? 

How far are you willing to go to protect what's dear to you? 

Losing oneself. 

Maybe it's not so difficult after all. 

Like I have said before.

It's when things go wrong that you realize they've been right all the while. 

I'm starting to learn to pretend and shove things under the carpet.

And learn to smile through tears. 

Maybe I'm still not quite there yet. 

To be able to be honest with myself. 

Uni~*

So, it's going to be Napoleon Bonaparte and Jasmine for the next two weeks!
(reminds you of the 'Salk's the MAN!' days, doesn't it?)



And how has school been?


French Revolution&NAPOLEON, Power&State, Biopsych&Learning, Durians&Ape-man, Musicking&Patterns in the Mind.
Debates, presentations, readings, readings and readings.
The Deck, Techno Edge, Frontier, Coffee Club Xpress, Central Library, LTs.
96, 95, 189.
8am, 8pm.
Tako, Mabel, Suyee, Joey, Metronome... :)


University life is really... interesting.
On one hand, you really enjoy the freedom and the feeling of being in control of your own life.
On the other hand, responsibilities come hand in hand with freedom.
Well, you know you have nowhere to hide if you screw up your life because you're the only one who can make things RIGHT/SCREW UP.

That aside, it's almost impossible to have a FIXED group of friends because there's such a low possibility of having people take the exact same mods as you + successfully getting the same tutorial slots.
In other words, you're pretty much on your own, whether you like it or not.


University is about being independent, responsible and studying smart (yet to master this though).
Well, that's the conclusion that I'm drawing after... 3 weeks of school?


Whatever it is, we all got to learn to adapt to this new environment, no matter how tough things get.



In summary,
MOVE ON, whether you like it or not.
(applies to many people and many situations as well)



And my stupid flu is STILL HERE.
Apparently, it seems like I've lost my immunity to coldness.




I guess I should already be grateful with what I have.



Just to sidetrack a little,


Random #1:

'Good Girls Go Bad' by Cobra Starship FTW! :D



Random #2:

Devouring 'Kafka On The Shore' by Murakami Haruki (YES HIM AGAIN!)
I wonder if I have the time to finish it.

fyi, I JUST started on the book and it's due on 31st Aug. LOL.



Random #3:

Getting my new specs (FINALLY) tomorrow!

Red, black, red, black, red, black, red, black...



Random #4:

I see so many beautiful girls around in campus. :D



Random #5:

My feet is ACHING like mad.




Random #6:

"It's better to love a love that loves than love a love that hurts"

LOLOLOLOL!



Random #7:

Have been having really strange and random dreams. =/



Random #8:

NAPOLEON BONAPARTE
NAPOLEON BONAPARTE
NAPOLEON BONAPARTE
NAPOLEON BONAPARTE
NAPOLEON BONAPARTE
NAPOLEON BONAPARTE
NAPOLEON BONAPARTE
NAPOLEON BONAPARTE
NAPOLEON BONAPARTE
NAPOLEON BONAPARTE
NAPOLEON BONAPARTE
NAPOLEON BONAPARTE





okok. I'm off to study more about him!




What a lousy and random entry this is.

So much to lose~*

"Love does not necessarily beget love."

"I'm scared... There's so much to lose."

"Just don't lose yourself."

- 'The girl she left behind' by Karen Brichoux

Sunset~*

credits: http://www.sodahead.com/user/profile/138330/comments/


I'm whispering softly
A strong love, softly
I wonder if it will reach you
And echo in your heart

- 'Sunset ~ Love is All~' by Ayu

I have been putting this song on repeat since the day I first listened to it with my heart.
I listened to 'Sunrise ~Love is All~' before 'Sunset' and it didn't really build a rapport with me.
Well, that was until I happened to chance upon it on MTV channel and actually digested the lyrics.


'I want to send a greater love to you
In a louder voice
I want to make it echo in your heart.'

-'Sunrise ~ Love is All~' by Ayu


It's a really genki song - the kind which makes you want to jump and cheer. :)
But that was that.


'Sunset ~Love is All~', on the other hand, struck a chord in me.
Not just the lyrics, the sad, bittersweetness of the entire song, the way Ayu sang with such tenderness, but also the fact that I've always preferred sunsets to sunrises.



Sunset.

It signals the end of the day.



It is the time when workers head home to seek for the warmth from loved ones, let out a happy sigh and simply allow themselves to be enveloped in the sweet loveliness of family members.

It is the time when students rush home for the bowl of warm soup, feeling the excitement of sharing the day's events with their parents.

It is also the time when buddies meet up for dinner to catch up one one another's lives.

The time when couples feel the excitement of going on a movie/dinner date. And yearning to embrace each other and willing for time to stop.



Sunset.



The hues of pinks and golds.
When clouds catch fire, when the sky blushes.


Although such beauty merely lasts for a few minutes, the memory of it all will be deeply etched in our minds.


Beauty not just from the scenery,
but also of the person you're sharing it with.





I'm imperfect in my own ways.
Oftentimes, I get weak and doubtful of myself.
And a tear or two would fall.
I have things I'm unsure of, deeds that need to forgiven.
And I'm definitely not the best girl in the world.



But still,

are you willing to share the scenery with me?


Even after I'm stripped of my youth, my ability to speak, to think logically.
When I'm struggling to move and have become shriveled and weak?


Or even, when memories have faded?


Will I still appear in the scene, together with the sunset?




Sunset

the moment before evening changes to night.
So brief, yet so breathtakingly picturesque.

So brief, yet so picturesque...



I will admire and take in the scenery.



I will continue looking,
until the tears blur my vision.







~*

Sunrise comes before sunset, right?
Or, should it be the other way round?






Sunrise ~Love is All~

Come closer to me
Try to trust me more

You are laughing innocently
I adore your smile

But I know that tears were shining
On your cheeks until a while ago

I don't say easily, "Show me your true colors"
Or something like that
But I'm confident about accepting you
Whatever color I may see in you

* I want to send a greater love to you
In a louder voice
I want to make it echo in your heart

** If I shout out a greater love for you
In a louder voice
I wonder if it will reach you just a little

*** It's even better to take a roundabout way
I know we'll be able to understand each other

(In a louder voice)
(With a greater love)
(In a louder voice)
(With a greater love)

I can almost imagine for some reason
What you want to say

I just have a mind to face you
But actually I'm running away, don't you think so?

If I said I was not afraid
I'd be lying, to be honest
But I'm all prepared
All taken together

Hey, come closer to me
Try to trust me more
Do you hear the heartbeat
In my trembling chest?

Come closer to me
And try to trust me more, that's all I ask
Listen carefully with your heart

There's no more need to confirm our feelings
I know we are thinking of each other

We are not at all perfect
Because we are human
But I think it's OK
Because I love such a point

(In a louder voice)
(With a greater love)
(In a louder voice)
(With a greater love)

* (repeat)
** (repeat)
*** (repeat)













'Sunset ~Love is All~'

Be closer to me
Let me trust you more

You are a little insensitive, or should I say clumsy
I like that about you

But please care about my girlish mind a little
Just sometimes

Though it's not easy for me to be meek
And stop pretending to be strong
It's no one but you that I need
That alone is certain and unchangeable

I'm whispering softly
A strong love, softly
I wonder if it will reach you
And echo in your heart

* I'm whispering softly
A strong love, softly
I wonder if it will reach you clearly some day

** It's even better to take a roundabout way
I know we'll be able to understand each other

I can almost imagine for some reason
What you want to say

I always change subject at important times
Don't you think so?

I can't step forward decisively
Because it can't be that I'm not afraid
Don't you accept what I am
All taken together?

Be closer to me
Let me trust you more
Am I really
In your eyes?

Be closer to me
I want you to let me trust you more
Am I depending on you too much?

I don't have a mind to change you
And I'm still the same
But I think we are OK as we are
Don't you think so?

Be by my side forever
Trust me forever

You see? I'm whispering softly
A strong love, softly
I wonder if it will reach you
And echo in your heart

* (repeat)
** (repeat)

DISCOVERIES~*

Recently, I've made a few discoveries about myself.


1. I have low blood pressure. (hmm. and really QUITE a low one, too.)

So I guess this can help to account for those dizzy/light-headed feelings that I get every now and then.
Well, maybe this is a CUE for me to start drinking coffee again! XD
(haven't touched it for quite some time already. Alright. By that I mean just 2 days.)


2. I have very poor immune system.

I can't believe I'm falling sick so frequently this year.
I, JASMINE LIM, have been falling sick again and again (I've been feeling rather unwell for the past few days) when I, JASMINE LIM, had 100% attendance in JC!!!

Ridiculous!


3. I have a short attention span.

My mind would automatically wander off somewhere else after about 2 minutes into the lecture. (ok that's an exaggeration, but still.)

Well, this is not really a discovery since this fact is already established waaaaaay back in my secondary school years.



4. I'm not so good at Sociology, I guess.

2nd lecture ONLY and not even 1/6 of the lecture notes and I'm going @_@


SERIOUSLY.



5. I'm becoming more and more English-speaking.


Bu xing! Yi hou ni men dou bi xu yao he wo JIANG HUA YU.




6. I have an AWFUL sense of direction.

I think without tako, I would've wandered off to sci fac frantically searching for my LT. =__=




7. I've run out of things to say.




Ok, something random&funny.
Either you get it or you don't.


*While driving"
"Here, the lu tai wan!"
"Then you'll die die zhuang zhuang."
"...here die die zhuang zhuang is really not too good! ^^;;"




"Jasmine! Ni heng gao xiao leh!"
"Yah. Then wo kuai yao si diao le..."





Well, if you have ZERO idea what I'm talking about, either you go listen to Wilber Pan's 'Lu Tai Wan' and Show Luo's 'Gao Xiao' or you can forget about supposed jokes. XD



Ok bye people! I'm off to battle with my Socio notes!

Rain~*

Whenever it rains, my heartbeat will regulate itself and my thoughts will slowly fall into place.
Peace of mind.

However, it also magnifies coldness and loneliness.
It evokes many memories - both good and bad.

Pictures become more vivid.
Colours become more brilliant...
Emotions become raw.

It is as if a part of me woke up after a deep sleep.

Listening to my favourite music, I will release the control over my mind.
Let it flow, let it flow...


Whether or not it is the rainwater tapping against the window pane, chilly wind biting my cheeks, ruffling my hair,
the fact that it is raining is enough to awaken me.



I will become fully conscious of my doings and my life.



I'm not being overly emotional here. Nor am I grousing about life (even though it's my fav hobby).

I am just genuinely trying to put across my random thoughts.




But whatever it is, I'm clearer than ever.





Perhaps,
it's not just the rain.


Perhaps,
the reason is you.

Suicidal?!~*

"JASMINE!! ARE YOU SUICIDAL OR WHAT?!"
*points to the numerous cuts across my wrists*

"Me? OH. NO!! I just kept getting cut by my binded notes. -___-"



Well, the conversation above kind of sums up my first week in NUS, doesn't it? ;)
(either way you interpret it. LOL.)

School~*

That's it.

Hell is unleashed.



I feel like dying.

Interesting~*

Jess:

"
I was watching a discovery channel documentary this afternoon
it talked about the science of attraction & sexual appeal
and how human choose their mates.

very very amazing scientific discovery
which is why homely girl are a lot of guys' target.

happy, cheery & healthy homely girls are actually more popular than ultra glamourous chicks

guys flirt with those but start a family with those homely ones
he will settle with homely girls
so in the end,

homely girl wins the day."



(So girls, be more homely and wifey! XD)



Jess:

"that is for the next generation.

everything leads to one thing - to produce the strongest offspring.

we dun think so when we like someone
but science prove tat we all are, subconsciously.
our selection are guided by those instincts.

impressive."



(Hmmm... so we're all unknowingly choosing, eliminating, selecting?)



Jess:

"and female likes certain male odour when they are ovulating but hate it at other times.

we will repel the smell of our kins
it is the instinct to mate with ppl of other genetic makeup
to confer the best immunity to our offspring
cos a person's odour is linked to his immunity

very shocking discovery."




Jas:

"icic...
so really, ppl involved in incest relationships have bad sense of smell."





LOL.

25-9=?~*

I'M RESIGNING TO FATE.


Random random.


1. I didn't cry yesterday, as much as I wanted to.

I was so utterly disappointed with myself, I really wanted to close the keyboard on my hands.

WHAM!

It's so funny.
I was delighted when I was praised by my teacher during practice.
And when there was an audience, my mind blanked out.
The music notes drifted out of my mind.
I had to play from my non-existent memory.

disappointments after disappointments after disappointments...


I MAJI DE SUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK. :(



2. My last weekend before school starts.

.....

Feel like shouting into the toilet bowl and flushing it 87432804713242 times.



3. What's with all the trying-to-stay-positive shit.
I'm going to admit defeat to myself soon.



4. It's National Day today.
Happy 44th Birthday Singapore.

Recite the pledge at 8.22pm!

(I sound so unexcited.)



5. I'm not only UNphotogenic, I look GHASTLY on cam.
Like a... half vamp half cat. :O



6. Marche.
I like the stir-fry veg and fruit juice most. LOL.
ok. Maybe the salmon too. :)


7. Facebook.
HAHA my cousin noob seems to be pretty popular among his OG mates. XD



8. Not sure if I sprained my neck or what.
Or maybe I'm just getting old. haha.



9. Suddenly have an urge to drink Timmermans Fruits de la Foret. :)


10. I'm really addicted to xingwang's yuanyang.


11. Really, really thank you for doing so much for me.
You've gotta ganbatte for the next few months ok? And I'll try to survive...with non-existent notes. HAHA. :)


12. One moment, I can laugh and smile, at another moment, I can feel really lost and disheartened.
Like being on a Ferris Wheel.


13. So really, what am I looking for?
What am I expecting from myself?
What do I expect to happen from now on?
Where am I heading?


I have no idea.



14. Sometimes, I stare too hard at the mirror.
Trying to find some traces of myself, as a youthful young girl.

You know what?
I really don't know.



15. My shooting star.


16. Will it be a good start? A bad one?
No matter what, we shall hang on, right?
Forget about the clorets and push-ups.

What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. :)





Why 16?

Ask someone. XD




And STOP stepping on my shoes! :)

mixed~*

Mood: Wistful
Music: I’ve never been to me by Charlene

“But I took the sweet life and never knew I’d be bitter from the sweet”
-‘I’ve never been to me’ by Charlene


Ok. So blogger is still being unfriendly to me. :(
And maybe it’s really just me.
(I really don't like the way my post would look like when it's published. >.<)


This morning I woke up to ‘My People, My Home’, the famous national day song. It was blasting from the primary school across the street. Then, I realized that this is the first year that I won’t be celebrating National Day in school.


I lay in bed and listened to the ‘May the good we achieve as one nation, be~~ shared with the world~~~’ and suddenly remembered that I used to sing that when I was in Choir in Primary and Secondary school... *gulps* TIME FLIESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!



Taking a peak from my window, I saw the parade square flood with people donned in red and white.



Ahhh~ Nostalgic! :) All the cheer coms, singing coms, choir moments, ‘recollections’, waving of national flags when I was just a little kid, ‘Connect Singapore’ when I was in J2 (a very very significant event indeed :)), watching fireworks... AHHHH~




Anyway, I have been trying really hard to keep my spirits up and being more positive. Maybe I’m genuinely wishing for a change for the better. Maybe I’m just tired of myself being negative all the time. Maybe I’m just trying to test how long I can stay this way. Haha.


I’ve been suppressing all the pessimism and the overwhelming urge to burst into tears from time to time. (ok. Maybe not ‘BURST’ but you get what I mean ya?) And I can say I didn’t expect to be so determined.


Or maybe, I’ve got to agree with the certain someone that
‘We’re just too tired to cry. And crying NEVER solves the problem.’


I can still remember what I wrote many many months ago.
“All that’s left are just a bunch of tissue papers and a pair of swollen eyes.”


Haha. Yeah.


Or maybe, I’m just trying to maintain a positive outlook towards school (which I’m DREADINGGGGGGGGGG like peanuts and cashew nuts... >.<). Because I know once school starts, my energy will naturally deplete and go into the negative region. That’s why I need to gather more energy now.



Uncertainties and unknowns
Uncertainties and unknowns.
Uncertainties and unknowns.



I’m having that sinking/stomach-churning feeling again. >.<
Will I be able to fit in? Will I be able to make new friends? Will I be able to understand the lectures and tutorials?


ALRIGHTTTTTTTTTTTT. Let’s just leave these thoughts for later.





It’s already August.
And all I can say about July is that it was a pretty intriguing month for me. Many many emotional roller-coaster rides for me. (and you know I don’t like roller coaster rides!) Decisions to be made, problems to face etc.

Especially entering university. I’ve got to learn to remember deadlines, know how to handle things by myself. In other words, it’s no longer being spoon-fed and being a numbskull all the time. (gosh, I’m addicted to that word --- NUMBSKULL) We have to make our own decisions on what modules to take, what timing we want etc.




*~IT WAS 12:34:56PM 07/08/09~*





Then, I read Amber and TG-bin’s blogs.

And I just felt like crying though I’ve no idea what’s going on.
Why that heart-wrenching feeling again?
You, you know I’ll be there when you need me too. A listening ear, a listening heart. You must know that no matter how busy we would be with our lives, when things get tough, just leave me a message (OH YES. I’M SERIOUSLY CONTEMPLATING THROWING AWAY MY PHONE.) or give me a call ok? I can’t promise to be there always, but you know I’ll try my best for you. :) For someone who is going through what I’ve gone through/am going through, I truly want things to be alright with you. Trust me. Just having that realization is more than what I ever hoped for. :)

And to you, I wish I can talk to you properly one day. Sit down and really talk. But I also know that you don’t want to revisit the bad and hurting parts of your life... But still, though I still have zero idea of what’s going on, it hurts me as much as it hurts you. Because I hate to see people becoming despondent. Especially for reasons that maybe I can relate to... I want to see you facing the problems head-on. Not escaping, not hiding. Ok? :)





Anyway, this is a rather wordy and serious post, isn’t it?
So, to lighten things up a little, let me tell you what I've been watching recently.
(Decided to leave 'Audition' to next time. LOL)


I’ve been watching ‘Heavenly Forest’ starring Miyazaki Aoi and Hiroshi Tamaki.


And after watching Ueno Juri in ‘Rainbow Song’ and Hiroshi Tamaki in ‘Heavenly Forest’, I think I should give ‘Nodame Cantabile’ (drama version) a try. :) I’ll TRY not to be so critical of it, since I really adore the anime. XD


Oh, and I’m currently reading ‘The Girl She Left Behind’ by Kate Brichoux.
Seems like it’s going to be a pretty witty and beautiful story. :)





OKAY. I’M GOING TO PRACTISE MY PIANO.

Yes. Because Saturday is DOOMSDAY for me. >.<
CINDY!!!!!!!!!! HOW?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! T_T

Of me~*

If I were to lay out pieces of my life in front of me,

if I were to think about them very carefully, not missing out any minor details,

if I were to arrange them to piece together,

I would probably realize that they don't make a complete picture.

I've left bits and pieces of myself scattered all over the place.

So much so that it's impossible to gather them.

and make a complete picture.

I've come to realize that sometimes it's just too hard to be right all the time.

And it's too hard not to hurt and get hurt.

Summer Snow~*

Summer Snow by Sissel & Zamfir


it's summer snow in the deep blue sea
i try to touch, but it fades away
it must be a dream i will never get
just like my love that's crying for you

if there were something not to change forever
we could feel it deep, deep in our heart
today is over with a million tears
still everyone has a wish to live

oh, i do believe ever lasting love
and destiny to meet you again
i feel a pain i can hardly stand
all i can do is loving you

it's summer snow in the deep blue sea
i try to touch, but it fades away
it must be a dream i will never get
just like my love that's crying for you
just like my love that's crying for you