Bye!~*

Will be away in Genting till 2nd July :)


Time to get away from the heat (especially), walls and the com (HAHA).

Gotta wake up at what... 4am tomorrow? (probably even earlier than K-kun. haha.)


Goodnight and goodbye people. :)
Take care!

Am I?~*

I keep laughing at this picture. XD



As of 27th June 1.24am,

LEFT EAR-SAN HAS FULLY RECOVERD. :)
(ok. 99% at least)
THANK GOODNESS..............

It all happened so suddenly, plus many things were happening at the same time.
So I didn't know how to react then.



1. my sister is BACK from Melbourne! :)

Back with a car accident (bam bam bam), HUGE bag of chocolates (DARK!), many many presents for friends (AND NOTHING FOR ME) and well, complaints about the warm weather (It's in the genes).

haha. But well, she was all smiles when we were chatting today. To summarize, it feels good to have her back. :)



2. Went for my uni health check up with tako.
AS ALWAYS, I think I failed my eye test. =___=
(well, I've been failing the eyesight test since sec 1 and was always told to change my specs.)
time to change specs again... *GROANS*

I'm going to change to lime green cat eye glasses.


OK KIDDING.

But all went well *relieved*


3. GABRIEL Fauré

SHEEEEEESH. My teacher is throwing me a diploma exam piece composed by FAURE!
FAURE FAURE FAURE FAURE FAURE.

The teacher of DEBUSSY AND RAVEL.

FAURE! @_@


BUT, it sounds ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL. And immediately, an image was formed in my mind...

OK. WITH THIS, I'LL GIVE MY ALL FOR THIS PIECE.



4. Michael Jackson passed away.
And I gotta agree with yy. It's a very random death.

Shocking, yes. But more of random.

Don't you think so? like suddenly someone comes up to you and say, "my cat got stuck in the sink."

ok lousy example but you get the randomness? Maybe it's cos I need some time to digest this news.
But still, he's a legacy and probably tens of thousand of ppl would be mourning for him.

He'll definitely be remembered. For the good music and dance, I mean.



5. I'm just not the type of people who can appreciate chick lit.

So, I gave up on one. (I mistook it for anything but chick lit)

Well, I've tried telling myself to lighten up a little and give chick lit a try. But always always, I end up feeling disappointed and well, unable to continue the story.

Not that I'm looking for something dark and serious all the time. More like... I need something that feeds my hunger for really huge waves of emotions.

I don't know. But I love it when I can feel myself ABSORBED in the story and feel the emotions felt by the characters... Like music, like movies...


So now, I'm currently reading 'Carry Me Down' by M.J. Hyland. :)
Will talk about it soon.




6. Tell me what I don't know.

Just off the phone.

I have such an overwhelming urge to be right next to you.
and to reassure you again and again.
and to look at you in the eyes and tell you 'It's okay'.

Simply because it will be, even though it's hard to believe at the moment.


I don't know how many encouraging words you can digest because I'm afraid of overdoing things and devaluing those words.
I don't know how much impact I can have on you because I'm afraid of having an impact like feather drifting onto a palm.
I don't know how to make the pain go away because things I can do never seem enough.

I can only watch you from afar.
I can offer you nothing but mere words.

Words that can be meaningless.


I'll have to admit that I do feel powerless from time to time.
I have my dark moments, times when I feel really really uncertain of myself.
Even now, I will still be affected by my inferior complex.
Because... I'm just so different from...


I am giving my all this time.
Really really...

Hontou ni.
Ganbatte...


Please tell me.
What else I can do.

Besides silly messages, weak attempts to cheer you up, lame jokes etc...


And am I... really good enough?



7. Oftentimes,
I think about who I have to be.

Who I am forced to be.


Why.



8. SHIT. Caffeine is making my brain all twisted and emotions all crazy and bitter.




9. I think about how much I devalue myself, how little I think of myself.

I think about how I pressurize myself and force myself to do painful things.
I think about how I become someone I'm not just to please others.
I think about my existence as a big fat question mark.
I think about how people just cannot understand why I feel this way.

I think about how much I am really worth...


I think about crazy things.


I think about all these and I just want to run and run and run.



10. I think about how this entry has morphed from a bright, happy entry to a bloody bitter one.


At this moment, I wish I could turn back time such that I won't drink that iced coffee.
Shit. Look what caffeine can do to me.


Random:





















Singapore Sling

Quieter world~*

Sigh.

I've decided to live with the blocked ear for the time being.
Like what Zell told me (in an entirely different context)
"Hope for the best and see how things go."



"Being in a quieter world is not too bad, what."

haha yeah, I guess. But it also makes me increasingly paranoid and prone to little shocks and surprises. (like I take quite a while to locate the source of strange sounds)


"Why are you so quiet???"

Well, I've already given up on speaking so I'll only speak when it's absolutely necessary. :)



Anyway, my sister will be back from Melbourne TOMORROW.
And so, I can anticipate HAVOC and CHAOS. XD
I can imagine her kicking a fuss out of H1N1 related stuff.

Was msging Zell and we realized that we've gotta gear up for her complaints etc etc. XD




And I'm really grateful to all those people who kept reassuring me and making me feel a little better. :)
(you guys know who you are)



So, to end off on a HAPPIER note,
































thanks, pal, for being there. :)

BTW, BEFORE I FORGET,
THIS GIRL HERE HIGHLIGHTED HER HAIR AND SAID F*** YOU. XD

woah easy girl.

hahaha. alright. Before she chases me with a knife, I was kidding.
But her hair looks really brown, doesn't it?


AND FYI, the second half of the sentence is true. =X HAHAHA!

BLOCKED!~*

LEFT EAR-SAN,

please please please get well sooooooooooon! >.< 

IT'S UNBEARABLY FRUSTRATING.

I can't jaywalk anymore. I can't talk to anyone who's standing at my left hand side. I can't listen to my ipod. I can't play the piano properly. I can't speak properly (I keep hearing my own voice speaking to me). I can't use my left ear to listen to the phone. I can't listen to a complete sentence without repeating 'HUH?' 72 times. 

In fact, I don't even feel like talking anymore. 

The phenazone didn't really work. But still gotta see how things go for this week or else I've gotta head back for a review next week.

anyway,

the doctor was being so calm and laughed things off. He even shared stories about his children having their ears blocked. 

ahhhhh. I'm going to go into silent mode from now on. 

(because speaking just reminds me of my blocked ear. and being in noisy places also aggravates my frustration) 

could you?~*

I deleted your message right away.

Not even a second of hesitation.

Speculating something.

Something that doesn't justify anything. 

And I know that,

I need to be a lot more stronger. 

For so many years, important, precious things slipped through my fingers.

Took the wrong path, walked towards solid walls, hung off the edge of cliffs. 

Rummaged through my memories to find missing pieces, missing explanations.

Living a life that cannot be logically explained. 

And when I've come to a point when I know I cannot be more certain, 

your words sent me back to where I was. 

Was I holding on for nothing? 

Because could you, could you let things slip through so easily? 

could you? could you? 

could you bear to see what you're speculating? 

could you?

Updates~*

BABIES. XD

"


'You give too much attention to things that make you unhappy'





The unflattering observations she makes about other people, the comments that get her in trouble, aren't these truer than small talk and thank-you notes? Worse, but truer. And underneath all the decorum, isn't most everyone judgemental and disappointed? Or is it only certain people, and can she choose not to be one of them - can she choose this without also... just giving in?"





- 'The Man of My Dreams' by Curtis Sittenfeld








LAZY BONES.


Every single bone in me.








I wanted to write a proper entry with complete with photos and details.


But the very thought of it makes me exhausted.





I think as I age (SIGH), the less I want to spend my time on details and recounting events.


Maybe, some things are better left stored in the mind and then gradually allowed to turn serpia with time.











1.


I'M TERRIBLY UNPHOTOGENIC.





And this sentence applies since what... centuries ago.





I can still remember all the evil cackles over my ugly photos man.


All those PSYCHOPATHS and SICKOS.
GRRRRR. (basically all my friends though. =__=)





Cameras are NOT my best friend.








Well, well, well, don't you just envy people who look great without even trying????
Like, they can take candid shots looking flawless and ravishing?








OH NEVERMIND.











2.


My mum is occupying my laptop most of the time.





and using it to play games. XD








Mum: HEY.
Jas: *reading a novel* what?
Mum: HEY HEY!!
Jas: YES???
Mum: COME HERE LA!!
Jas: YESSSSSS????? *puts down novel and walks over*
Mum: How to pass this level?





3.





I didn't know I could get so excited over Air Supply.


But anyway, I nearly accidentally killed K-kun when the opening to 'Making Love out of Nothing At All' was played.








I was ecstatic. :D





It came as a surprise, since I thought they would leave out that song.


And then the other encore song was 'All Out of Love'.





double the ecstasy. :DD








PLUS, they sang 'Without You', 'Goodbye', 'Two Less Lonely People In The World', 'Here I Am', 'Even the Nights are Better' etc etc.








YEAH IM OLD BUT SERIOUSLY YOU MUST LISTEN TO THEM. LIVE.





then you'll be convinced why I would feel that way. :)








Some songs transcend across time, across age groups.














4.





Do you realize we look for our own inadequacies in other people?

















5.





My sister would be back this Friday.





(THANK GOODNESS I'VE GOT MY LAPTOP AND SHE GOT HERS.)





I wonder how life would be like.


I've become so accustomed to being the only person in the house when I wake up, and the last person to turn off the lights at night.


And I've been dumping my stuff in her room. (OOPS)


Basically, if my own room were to be a rubbish dump, then hers wouldn't be any better. Maybe a tidier one.





XD yeah yeah. TIME TO DO SOMETHING.














6.


Facebook.





Sometimes I wonder what's the actual use for it.





To satisfy our curious, sadistic nature? (STALKERS)


To fulfil our desire to be approved of, to be ogled at (some of us, anyway), to be NOTICED?





or just to... update our friends with our hip and happening lives?


to let the world know that we have a LIFE.





or to play games? (my pet is going to die soon)





or just plain boredom.








Hmm..? What do you think?














7.





I'm not the only one who has an obsession with pretty women.





Aren't you awed too, when you see a gorgeous lady who doesn't try very hard to be absolutely stunning? :)








Well, the aftertaste of this is probably really bitter.








"some girls are just so freaking lucky!"

















8.





If,





if we really believe that everything happens for a reason,





is that being naive? or living in denial? or just simply trying to justify things that can't be justified? and to make things hurt less?





To put it simply, do we come up with ideas (true or not) to make things seem more bearable?








In case I'm being really vague here,





for example, you lost your wallet.
and then, you tell yourself 'well, everything happens for a reason.'








somebody tells you you look awful.
then you tell yourself 'hmm. everything happens for a reason.'








when life starts to go haywire and great people all turn out to be jerks,
you tell yourself, 'that's the way to make me a stronger person.'











Is that denial?


Putting a protective shield over ourselves.














and to make sense out of things that don't make sense.









Is this called OPTIMISM?








Right now, I want to laugh.








So that's what pessimists think of optimism.





optimism = self denial.











Shit man, I ought to get rid of all these stupid thoughts.











By the way, for your info,


I'm a firm believer of the 'Everything happens for a reason' idea. HAHA.














9.





Gakky's new album 'HUG'

listening to it makes me float in the air.

and turn diabetic.

she's soooo sweet.

I have a really soft spot for sweet girls. (those who don't try too hard)

10.

BRIDES ARE REALLY BEAUTIFUL.

and listening to her gushing over her wedding preparations, honeymoon etc etc just makes you really happy for her. :)

In fact, we spent about half of my piano lesson choosing wedding photos & bookmarks for me to take home + chatting about her wedding stuff. :)

REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY

BEAUTIFUL. :)

11.

Are you observant enough to notice that I kept using this phrase

'trying too hard'?











I think if you ask me, there are certain people who try too hard in doing things.





To seek approval? To impress? To stand out?








I think, in my opinion, I'm more impressed with people who don't even need to try hard to impress.





Pretty girls who don't have to try too hard to make me look at them twice.


Intellects who don't have to try too hard to show people that they know everything.








You see, if you've got it in you, you've got it in you. :)














11.





Oh and I think charisma > mere appearances.





One more thing. I'm straight. Straight like a piece of rebonded hair. XD











12.





GENTINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG.











13.





two MORE lonely people in the world.








14.





YOU WALKED IN.








15.





I still need my 300 hours a day!!!








16.


As beautiful as the fireworks. :)

Results~*

Don't have expectations.

Take things as they come.

Believe that everything happens for a reason.

No matter what the results turn out to be, 

you're still my pride. 

My room~*

This is the very first entry typed using my new laptop. :)



It feels different.


Using my new laptop.
In my apple green room.
Surrounded by MY belongings (at last)
Dried flowers (sunflowers, roses...)
Photographs of the girls (without me?!)
The bottle of red wine.
Many many random magazines and rubbish.
my 4 alarm clocks (all displaying different time XD)
my 3 calendars (one of them showing YEAR 2006)
a huge pile of novels (yes I'm a NERD)
Cards, letters, presents :)
Many random photographs (of sec sch (plaster 1mm from my right eye), short hair, JC photos, childhood pics...)
The very familiar scenery from my window.



It has been very long since I last spent such a long time in my own room, at my desk.
(the last time was during A's.)


It feels really good to be back in my room.
and spend time in where I belong.


Where I hid when I cried, where I stared at the lights and let my mind wander, where I paced around when I was vexed, where I penned my thoughts in my diary...



Basically, it's just feels good to be back where I was and where I should be.



It might sound weird.

Cos I'm still in my own house anyway, right?


But no. It's just different.
Since A's, I've spent 99% of my time (when I'm awake) outside my own room.



Okok. I'm talking about strange things again.




Anyway,

the main reason why I prefer my own room is because of the spaciousness and MORE COOLING TEMPERATURE.
(my sis' room is a what... mini toaster oven???)


haha. Alright. I've been pretty deprived of sleep lately.
(night outing at west coast, watching 'Lovely Complex' (IT IS ADDICTIVE I TELL YOU) etc etc)


So, goodnight people!






Hmm.
You must have confidence in yourself.
After 14 years, you should know better how and what I think of you. :)
Remember the sign?
Be strong and keep each other in our hearts. :)






I want to spend more time with some people.
and I want to talk to some people.
and I want to cherish the time spent together.

and I need time on my own too.


How do you do all that?




I think I need 300 hours a day. XD

REALIZATIONS~*

"Being raised in an unstable household makes you understand that the world doesn't exist to accommodate you, which... is something a lot of people struggle to understand well into adulthood. It makes you realize how quickly a situation can shift, how danger really is everywhere. But crises, when they occur, do not catch you off guard; you have never believed you live under the shelter of some essential benevolence."

-'The Man of my Dreams' by Curtis Sittenfield

Well, that quote is not related to what I intended to write here though. 

But, I could relate so strongly to it... I couldn't resist sharing it with the world. 

Realizations.

These days, I've had so many of them. 

1.

After seeing some photographs of a certain person, I couldn't help but smile.

True that what he has done has always been cast in the negative light and definitely would be frowned upon. 

True that he's not an angel. And pretty far from it, actually. 

But, it's also true that he has changed.

What moved me most was the genuine smile he had on his face. 

How much love I could see from them.

And the next feeling I had was guilt. 

I know that if they were to see the photos, they too would shut up.

I guess we were all speaking faster than our minds worked.

I guess we were selfishly condemning this person, slamming and labeling him with the worst of nicknames.

And he proved us wrong.

that indeed, it is love. 

and he's living better than before.

Happier and healthier than before. 

That there's absolutely no reason to continue those remarks anymore.

Though we were not the closest of friends,

if I were to put aside the past,

I still feel happy for him.

And I find myself wishing him the best. 

2.

Amber Mirage.

Somehow, we only came to the realization after so many years.

It's not something to be happy about (unless you're sadistic).

But it's truly comforting.

To know that someone can truly relate to your story. 

Not those "I understand"s and "I can relate to you"s that people often say when they've got nothing else to say. 

Because there's a connection.

A solid, almost tangible connection. 

Which makes me feel as if I can finally let out a huge sigh of relief. 

But at the same time, I still feel sad.

For us. 

Nevertheless, let's view it as something which will make us stronger, gear us up for more challenges in future. 

And,

You know what? 

Don't let it make you lose faith in love. 

3. 

"It's just too hard to display your true self to others."

I would go into another essay if I were to let my thoughts flow and write out everything.

But the point is, 

I'm always awed by the HUGE RANGE of perceptions/views of me. 

Koala Bear (newest), Emo Queen, Perv, The Entertainer, Lamer (those crazy jokes), Depressed&Troubled girl etc etc...

They're quite extreme, aren't they?

Anyway, yeah. 

The bottomline is, it's not easy to understand who you truly are. 

And as long as you can't come to a conclusion, nobody else can. 

So why bother, right? 

Just let me search for the answers myself. 

4. 

I just realized that

we REALLY graduated. 

Those 2 years.

I can't come up with any word to describe this period of time. 

The _____ 2 years.

Surreal? Busy? Quick? Memorable? Boring? Interesting? 

Nothing apt. 

But I'm already thankful. Grateful. 

I just woke up 4 hours ago and I'm feeling really drowsy already. :(

Will give a proper update next time. 

One with fireworks. XD

Certainties~*

When there's a dark storm on your horizon
And you think you can't get through it
Just put your hand in my hand
And I'll show you how to do it

When the future looks uncertain
You can count on me to be there
And when your heart and soul are hurtin'
Just look and you'll see me there

Just follow where I lead
I'll give you what you need
A love that's always true
And someone who believes in you

So when you're searching for that rainbow
I will help you find it
And when a mountain stands before you
I will help you climb it

Just follow where I lead
I'll give you what you need
A love that's always true
And someone who believes in you

It's time to come alive
Your moment has arrived
I'll bring out the best in you
We can have it all
No, we will never fall
Looking down from our celestial view

Just follow where I lead
I'll give you what you need
And I'll tell you something else
You'll start believing in yourself
It's an easy thing to do
When you have someone who believes in you

Someone who believes
Someone who believes
I'm someone who believes
And you've got someone who believes in you

- 'Someone who believes in you' by Air Supply

Someone Who Believes - Air Supply

It's such a sweet and inspirational song. :) 

Hey,

word for word, too. 


Sleepy eyes + Strange encounter (and BLOODY COINCIDENTAL TOO XD) + Breakfast together + Church wedding + Gorgeous Bride&Happy Bridegroom + Marriage vows + Photos + Silly small talks/whispers + PC Show + CRAZY CROWDS + NEW LAPTOP :D + Tired&Suffocating + Lots of laughters and smiles + Warmth + Pure幸せ + Soap&Water + Reminiscence of sec sch/jc life + 美しい瞳 

= ラブ :D

For everything, even though it was a rush and all,

ありがとう！

I appreciate them all. (minus those monkey stuff) 

:D

things have changed.

definitely have changed.

Without words, sounds.

Silently, unknowingly, things that were previously blur now have outlines, don't they? 

I'm sure you felt it too. 

Maybe yes, maybe no.

But no doubt sceneries have changed. 

But what was true remains true.

what was memorable remains memorable. 

what happened was real. 

No doubt.

Let memories be locked up in where they truly belong. To be preserved. To remain at their best. 

then, 

I will look at you straight in the eyes.

and with a sincere heart and smile, I will tell you,

follow where your heart brings you to. :)

My motto. 

Don't know where to go? 

"JUST GO."

Dejavu~*

A person's world is only as big as their heart

- Tanya A. Moore

I had a strange feeling of deja vu. 

Strange.

How history keeps on repeating itself. 

How long does it take for us to truly learn from our mistakes? 

Maybe forever.

Because deep down, we're still who we are. 

Never let me go~*

Just finished 'Never Let Me Go' by Kazuo Ishiguro.

Another painfully delicate story which turned my emotions upside down. Yet, it has its suspense and mysterious element in it. So all in all, I pretty much read half the novel with my breath held.

I would always get the chill when there's an unexpected twist or a sudden realization.

You won't get the complete picture until you read till the very end.

And towards the end, after understanding why 'Never Let Me Go', the tears threatened to fall. 

Definitely one of my favourite novels, after 'Norwegian Wood'. 

And I was secretly wishing for this novel to be shot into a movie or something.

So, I read up on it and guess what.

It's going to be adapted into a film and tentative date of release would be year 2010. 

But that's not the best part.

The best part is, its screenplay is written by ALEX GARLAND.

(you know? the author of the really psychologically challenging 'COMA'? The novel I kept challenging people to read?)

And PLUS, KEIRA KNIGHTLY would be starring as KATHY H. (the protagonist in the story) 

So, what can I say other than WOAH?

Seems like there are 2 movies for me to look forward to next year! :D 

Anyway, Japanese authors are really... 5 thumbs up! 

Updates~*

I will be alright.

Music: Apple and Cinnamon by Utada Hikaru

"Started out so simple and innocent

So simple and innocent,

so simple and innocent,

so simple and innocent

Chemistry like apple and cinnamon

Like apple and cinnamon,

like apple and cinnamon,

like apple and cinnamon."

1. CHILL OUT

I'm really into lounge music right now.

Music that well, keeps my temperature low. (LOL)

I'm not sure if this applies to you too, but listening to these songs just makes me

feel as if I'm sipping atall glass of iced water in an igloo, perched on a

high metal stool.

Something I desperately need these days.

The Beatles Chill-out is good. :)

They make 'Norwegian Wood' sound really cool. Literally.

2. I NEED MY AIR SUPPLY.

Should I spend the money on tickets to the Air Supply concert?

On one hand, my heart is telling me to go ahead and catch 'Making Love out of Nothing At All',

'All out of Love', 'Goodbye' etc etc live.

On the other hand, my mind is telling me to save the money.

(you know, I'm half-unemployed after all.)

If only my dad struck 4D. Too bad he missed a number. (he bought my IC number)

OH WELL.

3. 'HEY JAS'

I was reading up on 'Hey Jude' by The Beatles.

(since I was listening to the Chillout version of it)

I was slightly amused by the fact that John Lennon and many others thought that Paul McCartney

wrote it for them.

'Hey John' 'Hey Judith' etc etc.

When in actual fact, McCartney wrote it for Julian Lennon, John Lennon's son with Cynthia Lennon.

He merely changed it to 'Hey Jude' instead of 'Hey Jules' because it was easier to sing.

It really depends on how you interpret it.

Sometimes when you listen to a particular song, you almost feel as if the song was sung for you.

Like how I've always felt that 'A Song for XX' by Ayu was sung for me.

Nevermind who the intended party really is.

It really doesn't matter, does it?

4. I APPRECIATE YOU

"Generally, appreciation means some blend of thankfulness, admiration, approval, and gratitude. In the financial world, something that "appreciates" grows in value. With the power tool of appreciation, you get the benefit of both perspectives: as you learn to be consistently thankful and approving, your life will grow in value."

- Doc Childre and Howard Martin

We all need to be appreciated.

Things around us need to be appreciated as well.

A beautiful piece of art is basically worthless is nobody knows how to appreciate it.

Similarly, we need to be approved of and appreciated.

Ok. Since Miss Amber thinks I should use 'I' instead of 'We',

"Similarly, I need to be approved and appreciated."

... It sounds so self-centered. LOL.

Anyway, the point is, there are many things I realized I have failed to fully appreciate.

- People who really really matter

- Objects that mean a lot to me

- My life

5. THINGS THAT WERE, THINGS THAT ARE

Once, Irene told me this.

"Eh, Jas, you seem like someone who listens to English songs."

It's strange.

Very very strange.

You see, I've pretty much been a Jpop/Jrock fan since I started realizing my life really depends on music.

So, really, since when have my interest in Japanese songs shifted to that of what...

English pop/rock/hiphop, Oldies, Jazz&Bossa Nova and now... lounge music/Chillout???

From a playlist flooded with Japanese songs to one with French songs to one with purely English songs...

Hmmm.

I guess nobody can remain stagnant forever.

6. PERSPIRATION

I'm like a candle on fire.

I'm drowning in my own perspiration.

I'm dying in the heat.

URGH.

7. RANDOMNESS

Tako's present! :)

Am I really that un-tall???

Again, I lost track of time.

And the only thing which tells me it's getting late is an impending headache.

Goodnight people!

Random 1:

IT RAINED BUT IT'S STILL VERY VERY WARM!

But, for the fact that it did rain, I'm already very grateful.

Random 2:

My mum is urging me to get my hair dyed because she's very very pleased with her recently

dyed+highlighted hair.

Mum: I look years younger now, right? :D

Jas: Yeah. You look like 60 now. XD

Mum: *blazing eyes*

Dad: *stifle a giggle*

Vicious daughter.

Random 3:

'Michelle' by The Beatles is very haunting.

Oh. HAPPY 20TH BIRTHDAY IRENE! :D