funny non-fiction~*

I'm resigning to fate.

Sigh...

Upon receiving the NUS package and letter of acceptance, I suddenly feel a sudden rush of dread and confusion.

 

Like somebody who is standing in front of a gate leading to a place which seems too big, too tall, too unfamiliar. Treading on unfamiliar path. 

Walking on tightrope. 

And there's the dreadful QET >.< 

(yeah screw you, Jasmine, for screwing up your GP!) 

It's actually pretty funny, when you think about it. 

My mood was improving a lot since last week (past few days were EXTREMELY TERRIBLE. MENTALLY AND PHYSICALLY EXHAUSTING.).

Thanks to the very encouraging card and present and many many sweet and lovely messages. :) 

ANYWAY, the point is, everything was relative OKAY until I saw this thick brown packaging lying on the table. 

and everything was OKAY until my eyes laid on the sample QET paper. 

Section C: ESSAY WRITING 70%

... TEST DURATION: 2 hours 15 mins

My first reaction was

"wei, thank you leh."

and I proceeded to tear my hair off my head. 

Well, AFTER I read the sample essay question, 

".... Defend your position with arguments and examples drawn from situations in your country..." 

I realized 72 handfuls of hair are gone and I'm going to be bald. 

Anyway, the reason why it's so funny is that,

I'm gonna flunk my very first test even before I start school. 

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

And in case you don't find it funny, 

Date of Qualifying English Test 1: 16th July 2009 

.....

You know what? 

Life has a SICK SICK SICK sense of humour. 

Seems like Jasmine is still far far far away from recovery. 

Too strange

If you only look, nothing happens

And it will never be yours

Until when are you going

To look on enviously there like that?

- 'Sparkle' by Ayu

I can relate to the PV.

Because the world is too strange, too strange.

Just when you think you know the person inside out, 

everything turns upside down.

and you realize you don't know the person at all. 

I'm scared of you, even.

Because the world is too strange, too strange... 

Other PVs: 

Next Level. So beautiful. 

Curtain call. So moving.

My sentences are written for the sake of being written. 

I hate it.

"Jasmine!! Why do you look so fair/pale these days?" (a comment I hear everyday)

I think I have become a ghost. 

Broken

Complete stillness.

I haven't been very sane. 

I'm sick of pretense. 

I know I have to learn to pick up the broken pieces of me. 

I think I'm going to become very very sick soon.

Let the Right One In - Johan Soderqvist

THAT'S IT

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1. #$%*#RTIvREt5#5ej3@...

You couldn't understand what I was writing, could you? 

This is exactly how I am feeling right now... 

not being understood. 

2. LOSS FOR WORDS

Maybe it's the irritating itch in my throat.

Maybe it's the urge to cough and cough.

Maybe I'm just exhausted.

I just don't feel like talking at all. 

3. Mr Children

I can't find the strength to speak. 

I just want to listen to Mr Children's 'Shirushi', 'Candy' and 'Any' over and over and over and over and over again...

4. Stillness.

Here I am, staring a the computer screen, Murakami's book lying on my left, my theory book on the right, a stray fork on my left, my phone on my right, with the soft murmuring of the fan, the curtains half drawn, my ipod charging, Mr Children's songs playing over and over again...

my face expressionless.

curled up in my seat.

Stillness. Nothing is moving except my fingers and eyes. 

And time. 

And built-up frustration and lostness threatening to overflow. 

5. REASON

If you ask me why am I feeling this way, I would just shake my head and said 

"That's how I feel most of the time." 

Worn out. 

But I don't feel that way without a reason. 

6. ...

When I never talk about my life, it doesn't mean my life is all perfect. 

Sometimes people feel surprised when I tell them I am having many problems. 

So... I'm a good pretender...? 

7. SNAP!

People expect me to... 

do many many things. 

To make them happy.

To please them. 

To do what they want me to.

To be who they want me to be.

To do what I should do.

To say the things they want to hear.

To agree with whatever bullshit they say.

To nod when I should, shake my head when I should.

To meet up to their expectations.

To be closer to perfection.

Basically, 

to be a saint.

And if I can't meet up to their expectations, they would be disappointed.

"Jasmine ah..... *shakes head*"

"Jasmine... I THOUGHT YOU WERE......" 

"Jasmine... MAYBE I EXPECTED TOO MUCH...."

"Jasmine... YOU WERE NOT LIKE THAT....."

"Jasmine... YOU CHANGED...."

"Jasmine... NEVERMIND... YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO....." 

what what what. 

It was never about what I could do and cannot do now. 

It was about never knowing what I could do and cannot do. 

In their eyes, Jasmine MUST be closer to perfection.

In their eyes, Jasmine MUST be like this, like this, never like that like that.

In their eyes, Jasmine as a WHOLE is undesirable.

They think they understand me.

If they do, would they understand how the things they say are stabbing my heart? 

If they do, would they have said all those things??

They say they cherish me. 

If they do, would they still want me to be somebody else?

I'm not searching for an everlasting promise. 

I'm not searching for eternal happiness. 

What I'm searching for is simple.

For somebody to accept me as who I am, not who they want me to be. 

But apparently, they don't understand...

8. 

I'm sorry I've let you guys down.

I'm far far far from perfection. 

I can't be here and there at the same time.

I can't be in Heaven and in Hell at the same time.

Like filling water in an ice cube tray.

You have a fixed amount of water. So you can only fill some parts of the tray. If you want to fill the one on the right, then you cannot fill the one on the left. If you want to fill both, you can't fill them completely full...

I cannot always be there.

Because I have elsewhere to go...

Time is moving. 

So my existence will keep shifting. 

Away, closer, further, left, right. 

In and out of focus. 

In and out of sight. 

9. HARD TO ACCEPT ME. 

You say what you want to say. 

And forget that I'm existing. 

I'm existing in the here and now. 

But that's not enough, is it? 

Because I'm not pleasing you 100%. 

Because I'm not doing EVERYTHING you want me to do. 

Then all the 'I'm disappointed' thoughts start creeping into your mind. 

You think I don't know. 

You think I'm an idiot. 

You think I'm emotionless if I don't mention how I feel.

you know what?

you just want me to change. 

you just bloody want me to be somebody else. 

so, now you know. 

Jasmine is just another disappointment.

10. 

I'm feeling terrible.

Maybe it's the cough, the itchy throat, the semi-dry hair, the irritating feeling that I don't want to communicate with anyone. 

Or the feeling that... I feel like crying. 

And giving up. 

I want to admit defeat to my flaws. 

People say they like my imperfection. 

But in the end, they are all lies. 

I think I've reached the edge. 

You. You. You and you and you and you.

have finally forced me to the edge. 

I'm going to snap soon. 

That's it. That's it. 

I need some light............... 

Updates!~*

Poles apart. Yet just a heart beat away.

Mood: Exhausted

Music: MR CHILDREN!!!!!!!!

"No matter what they wish for, no matter how far they go, people can never be anything but themselves. That's all." 

- Blind Willow, Sleeping Woman by Haruki Murakami

My thoughts are scattered all over the place.

1. Murakami

Once I step into a library, I'll just automatically move towards the 'MUR' shelf in the fiction section. 

It has become a routine. Whenever I feel like I'm in the mood for a good book, I would suddenly want to go and borrow his novels.

Nothing but his novels. Nothing but his dark stories, dark protagonists, strange conservations, eccentric characters, powerful usage of words, unexpected twists and turns... 

So now, it's 'Blind Willow, Sleeping Women'.

And it was a freaky coincidence when I came face-to-face with K-Kun, who was holding the exact same novel in his hand. and I just borrowed that book maybe an hour ago? XD

After 'Dance, dance, dance', 'Norwegian Wood', 'Sputnik Sweetheart', 'Wild Sheep Chase' (failed to complete that one) and 'South of the Border, West of Sun'. 

and the list goes on... 

2. Dreams

I've been having bad dreams for the past few days.

On Sunday morning, I woke up to find myself crying. 

And I didn't even know why. 

Somehow, I remember it was a very sad dream... but I just can't recall what is it. 

And this morning, I woke up with my heart palpitating in fear. 

It was a horrible dream. 

No monsters, no ghosts, nobody dying, no fire, no disaster, no blood.

It was nothing of that sort. 

It merely involved people I know. 

Terribly twisted though. =/

And it dug out a huge part of my memory which was kept buried in a dark corner of my mind. 

What was scary was that the fear was so familiar... 

If everything were to happen for real, I think I would break down mentally. 

I hope I could have a SWEET dream instead of these disturbing ones. 

urgh. 

Mind-san, please cooperate with me tonight!! >.<

3. Deja vu

Have you ever felt this eerie sense of familiarity?

Like finding places that you're at for the first time strangely familiar?

Or being in a situation for the first time yet knowing that somehow, the exact same situation has occurred before? 

for me, definitely.

It's just so weird. And creepy even. 

but, amazing at the same time. 

4. University

I guess from now till the beginning of school (AGAIN.................), time is going to speed up. 

Once school starts, I'm a student once again. 

After nearly 14 years of education, I'm taking a long break and assuming the role of an employee now.

But it is only temporary. 

Like when someone pops a beautiful bubble. 

(not that work is extremely interesting) 

Suddenly, you're back to where you were, back to who you were. 

Like taking a U-turn. 

In other words, ZERO DISPLACEMENT. 

It's as if this whole period of time is non-existent... very surrealistic. 

As if people I'm hanging out with now would suddenly vanish once school starts...

Because Jasmine is back to the schooling Jasmine. 

And life would be back to what it was. 

You get what I mean?

The strange bitterness, dread, fear... 

though I think I'm worrying about nothing...

I still hope that, 

everything was, is, and will still be. 

5.

I feel ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooold.

And the number of 'o's are not even enough to emphasize this fact. 

6. A DAY OF WORKKKKKKKKKKKKK

In a day,

I would feel differently at different points.

Morning - Basically just sian about going to work. though sometimes I feel quite at ease when I stroll to work while listening to my ipod :) but all that end once I remove my ear piece. 

Late morning - Peak hour. when all 12 lines can be occupied at once. I would get strangely restless.

Afternoon - Lunch. I would anticipate what my bosses would be cooking for us. Then I would start to feel much relaxed when the number of phone calls start to dwindle. :) 

After lunch - I would plan what to do for the rest of the day. And become extra restless and go to the pantry + toilet (too much water) very often. Not to mention the fact that I would be just inches away from dreamland. (no bad dreams pleaseeeee)

Late afternoon - PEAK PEAK PEAK. and my mood is usually very extreme at this point. It's either extremely irritated/ happy. Some customers are just very cute and they'll make me laugh. Then my whole day would seem much more interesting :) 

Evening - counting down!!! but that's when work start piling in. (=____=) 

Basically, that's all I've been experiencing for the past 2 months plus. LOL. Occasionally, chats with my colleagues would brighten up my day too. :) 

but there are lousy days when nothing seems to go right. 

Well, ultimately, work is not just about answering phone calls and filing. It's about finding joy in doing the things you do. 

and no matter how terrible the days are, you would still secretly wish that tomorrow would be a better day. 

even if it doesn't come true...

just having a small flame of hope is enough to get me going. 

7. 

So, let tomorrow be a better day. :) 

8. 

"SMILE"

Definitely catching this heart-warming drama starring ARAGAKI YUI. :D

Her smile is the most infectious I've ever seen. ^^

Such a sweet sweet smile. :) 

The more I write, the more energetic I get. 

the more energetic I get, the more tired I'll be tomorrow. LOL.

So I shall be good and go and sleep now. :) 

Goodnight and may there be NO bad dreams for everyone. haha. 

....｡Mr. ChiLdreN｡....