Spiral~*

7.16pm

An ordinary evening for everyone.

But for me, the world can never be more arbitrary than this. 

Always, always, there must be one or two things that pop out of nowhere and start to eat into my brain and suck the life out of me.

Always, always, I feel like I have no energy to even complete this pointless entry. 

I'm not writing this for the sake of sympathy.

Nor am I writing this for the sake of having someone worry about me 

(when I know that nobody probably will anyway) 

I'm writing this because I feel that, if I don't release some of my pent up emotions, I'm going to die. 

So here it goes, 

all the randomness that has been spiraling in my mind.

What's the point of crying when all it leaves you are a pair of swollen eyes, flushed face and a bunch of tissue papers?

This world is incredible. 

It's 7.23pm now.

And already, things are different from what they were at 7.16pm. 

I wonder how do I even make myself come online, how do I even make myself type this meaningless entry.

I wonder how I managed to survive the past few days and how I will continue to live for the next few years. 

The stress is overwhelming. 

I'm really really going to break apart. 

It's really when you feel like your life is in the dumpster when you realize how wonderful your life was just a few days ago.

And I really really really am going to break apart. 

Speaking of which, just last night, I had this crazy idea of walking out of my house, (just walking on and on) and see where I will end up before someone notice I'm gone. 

Maybe, by then, I would have walked one round around the equator. 

And while I had that thought in my mind, I told myself, "No. You're not going to cry, are you? Because what's the point of crying when all it leaves you are a pair of swollen eyes, flushed face and a bunch of tissue papers?"

Then, at that moment, I thought about the gentleness of everyone around me. 

The more gentle you are with me, the more painful it gets. 

And I imagined how I could lose all my memory and life might have been a little more pleasant for me.

(I don't expect much, actually) 

Like, "Hey Jasmine!"

"Huh? Jasmine who??" 

Then, I pictured how people would remember me after I pass away. 

She was a pleasant girl. She was a cheerful girl. She was a quiet girl etc etc...

Who is 'she'?

It's so vague that anyone's name could be inserted there. 

Really, when you come to think of it, do the people around you really know who you are? 

Or are you just another 'pleasant, cheerful, smart' girl/guy?

Is there no adjective that can describe you as who you are.

that sums up your personality?

that shows the most distinct quality of you? 

So is that what we've all been looking for?

Some word that can describe you perfectly? 

Anyway, it's already 7.37pm and I've wasted nearly 30 mins writing this strange little entry. 

You might ask,

'What happened to Jasmine?! Why is she so EMO?!'

All I can say is, too many things happened.

Too sudden.

Too crazy. 

Things that I can't even explain. 

And right now, I'm sure I'm not the only one feeling lost at the moment... 

Oh, but whatever it is, it's going to be July tomorrow.

Surely some things would change? 

And as I am writing this, my brain is still spinning. 

I'm still very very very very very stressed.

So? 

In the end, I had a pair of swollen eyes, a flushed face and a bunch of tissue papers.

EMANCIPATION~*

EMANCIPATION AT LAAAAAAST!!!!!!

Alright. I'm making it sound as if A's are over. =___=

But seriously, you can never understand how painful my June holidays was.

Absolutely, extremely, undeniably miserable. T_T 

Mood: Happy (Which is SUPER rare)

Music: SAY YES by Chage & Aska (alright. go ahead and laugh at me for listening to such an ancient song) 

1. Mid yr exam

Of course, everyone will want to know how was it.

Or rather, how terrible it was. 

3 words to describe it --- 'difficult beyond belief' 

in other words, I'm officially DOOMED. X_X

2. June Holidays

I feel totally depressed whenever I think about it. 

Well, it's like, if you put in effort and it paid off, you wouldn't be feeling so bad.

So, oh well. 

Ruzi: I should've studied more.

Jasmine: I should've played more.

LOL. 

But honestly,  half the holidays was wasted due to procrastination. 

Anyway, have you felt the immense frustration when you

- go out and have fun and then feel guilty about it.

OR

- stay at home to study and then realize that you don't even have the motivation to glance at your notes and think to yourself that you should've gone out and play? 

I feel like I've wasted my already very limited youth.

3. Girls, WANTED!

Today, after the last paper (Math paper 2), Rebecca, Siew Boon, Kah Ying, Junxiu, Currypok, Ruzi, Wenshi, Peiyun and I went to have brunch at J8. :D

Then, after taking 780020550 years to decide what to watch and where to go, we went to town to catch 'WANTED'. (Reb left first cos she was meeting her friend) 

IT'S REALLY REALLY REALLY GOOD!!! 

Definitely a must-watch for lovers of action pack movies. ;)

And well, all I can say is that it's twists after twists, climax after climax.

DO WATCH IT!!! :D

After that, we took プィクラ [purikura] (millions years since the last time I took one O_O) and shopped around a bit....

for art supplies (??????)

Lol. All thanks to Ruzi and Junxiu's obsession over papers etc etc, we spent most of the time in Art Friend and other art supplies stores. haha. 

Oh and not to forget, how Wenshi and I got scammed into thinking the library was still there. =___=

I think Wenshi really wanted to kill me. XD

anyway, RUZI, you'd better scan those プィクラ  or you're DEAD. 

4. Interact Day 

I can't really remember much now (lol) except that I was at the booth together with Marion and Kaiwei and had to introduce our activities to the VIPs.

Yishun Telematches!

It was really fun. (and tiring, too) :D

I think the J1s did a great job being the group leader/station masters. 

I believe they will be able to make 'Homework Clinic' even more successful than we did. ;) 

Anyway, in case anyone's wondering, Kokoro-chan turned up too. 

(a pleasant surprise :))

(Once I stepped into YSSC)

Wenyu: Hey, kokoro-chan is here today!!! :D :D

LOL. Anyway, it was when I saw her that I realized how much I missed her. 

And, of course, she was really excited when she talked about receiving the 'farewell card' I have made for her and had passed to her through the i/c. 

:)

Speaking of which, I'm going to miss everyone from YSSC really badly... 

All the kids there..., the I/C (the most wonderful i/c I've ever come across, lol), and most importantly...

THE GIRLS!!!!!!! (Pei Rong, Shang Yuan, Felicia, Rina and Wenyu) 

It was funny when I wrote that since Rina and Wenyu are from my class anyway. 

But still, I'll surely miss the happy times we had at YSSC. 

The times when we were all nervous when we first went to YSSC (we were the pioneer batch), when we rushed to come up with games and structured lessons, getting to know every single one of the kids, gaining their trust, sharing our troubles and fears regarding the kids, feeling embarrassed when we did charade together, feeling emotional when we said goodbye during the last session... 

We've come a long way with 'homework clinic'. 

And I think one most important person to thank is WENYU!!! (for sourcing for this org) ^_^

I will never forget the feeling of satisfaction when Ms. YJ (I/C) told us that parents have given very positive feedback regarding 'Homework Clinic'.

So... really, the girls and everyone at YSSC made me feel the joy of helping other people. Helped me find the reason why I joined Interact in the first place. :)

Love~*  

5. PIANO!

Now that Mid-yr exam is over, I have another exam coming up --- Piano Exam.

I felt really guilty for neglecting my piano during the examination period.

So, from now on, I'm going to devote 200% of my time to piano. (well, how do I do that anw XD)

I seriously, seriously hope I won't screw up my exam DUE TO NOTHING BUT MY STUPID NERVOUSNESS. 

I can't stand it when I mess up everything just because I was BLOODY NERVOUS.

It makes you feel like throwing yourself out of the window. 

I don't know. 

I really don't know how am I going to overcome this phobia for performing in front of other people.

Too many times.

It has left me in tears. 

Too many times.

It has left me wanting to give up piano. 

Altogether. 

Too many times.

It has left me feeling awful about myself. How I have let down everybody, just because of my stupid phobia. 

Ms Iris: Your problem lies not in your techniques, but your phobia for performing in front of an audience. 

How do you even play when your fingers shake, your mind goes blank and you gallop through the piece?!

Worst of all, the problem only surfaced when I'm in higher grade.

I don't know. I really don't.

And this Sunday is my piano performance at Funan. 

If I can survive through it, I might have a little more confidence for the exam next Friday. 

I guess,

I need to see a psychotherapist. 

6. ...

Can you see me from your place 

Are you watching over me ?

Though this may be a common expression

You stay alive

Always as you are
In my heart
However many times the seasons may pass

Our days are fadeless

- 'Untitled ~for her~' by Ayumi Hamasaki (Written for her deceased best friend who committed suicide)

I'll never miss you,

because there will not be a moment I'll forget you...

7. Dynasty Warriors

Since Karen wanted me to write some positive stuff, I shall talk about my obsession with Dynasty Warriors.

Ever since my sis brought that PS2 home, my number one favourite game is definitely Dynasty Warriors.

for your info, that guy is my all-time favourite --- ZHAO YUN <3<3

And that super pretty girl is DIAO CHAN. :)

the guy at the most right is Lu Bu, the one whom I trained from level 16 (? can't remember) till Level MAX.

haha. He's invincible, man. For eg, he K.O-ed Cao Cao, Zhang Fei, Liu Bei etc in just one slash. 

And it's this game which sparked my interest for the upcoming 'Red Cliff' movie starring Tony Leung.

I'm definitely catching it. ;) 

pictures credit: http://www.dynastywarriors6.co.uk/

Go take a a look at that website. 

It's SUPER cool. 

8. Lena Fujii 

A really gorgeous Japanese model whom I recently saw on TV.

I got a hunch she's going to shoot to fame very quickly. Do look out for her. :)

9. Birthdays!

Cousins and sis's birthdays are coming very very soon! 

And I've no idea what to get for them. 

Ahhh... shit. 

10. 

The bottom line is, you won't miss what you don't have. 

But that doesn't mean we will stop acquiring things. 

It's like that. 

Pain will always be there, during the process of acquiring something.

Anyway, to sum up my life for the whole of June, it has been tiring, boring, miserable, mundane...and just plain repetitive. 

Thanks to Aileen, my FAVOURITE GIRLS, my cousins and Bins for their encouragement :)

Without which, I think I might have died halfway during June already.

So from now till next friday, it's piano piano and more piano! 

Tears~*

LONELINESS 
YOUR SILENT WHISPER
FILLS A RIVER OF TEARS
THROUGH THE NIGHT
MEMORY YOU NEVER LET ME CRY
AND YOU, YOU NEVER SAID GOOD-BYE
SOMETIMES OUR TEARS BLINDED THE LOVE
WE LOST OUR DREAMS ALONG THE WAY
BUT I NEVER THOUGHT YOU'D TRADE YOUR SOUL TO THE FATES
NEVER THOUGHT YOU'D LEAVE ME ALONE
DRY YOUR TEARS WITH LOVE
DRY YOUR TEARS WITH LOVE

(talking)  If you could have taught me anything
You would have found what love is
If you could have taught me what was on your mind
I could have shown you the way
Someday... I will be before you
Have you ever thought about that time?
I never imagined the pictures of that night
For now I will try to live for you
And for...
I will try to live
Try to live the love, the dreams,
And finally, the tears.
- Tears by X-Japan('93) (the unreleased version is the 1st song in the playlist)

10 minutes and 31 seconds. 
That's how long the actual song lasts. 
And 1 minute. That's how long it took to move me to tears. 
I can't believe I'm crying buckets of tears over a song that I've well... fell in love 
with for a long long time... but haven't been listening for years... 
A song by the legendary X-Japan. 

The sudden gush of overwhelming emotions. I don't know why.
And the irony of it --- the line of the chorus that keeps repeating.  

Carry on~*

眩ますこと...

When will the sky clear?

Mood: Empty

Music: Moon Crying by Koda Kumi

It has been raining a lot.

Even now, as I'm writing this entry, the rain is still pattering against the window pane.

I love it when it rains.

Because it cleans up the environment.

But now, with a heavy mood, the rain just seems to aggravate my emptiness.

1. A few days back, it suddenly dawned on me how much I'm missing the Bins. How much I'm missing all the randomness of the conversations, how much I miss the jokes and laughter.

Cliche as it may sound, but really, absence makes the heart grow fonder. (absence that does not last too long)

Just receiving a msg from Currypok, Pig and Rusty face really made my day (or night). :)

AHHHHH... I can't help but detest this June Holidays.

2.

I

Feel

Like

Giving

Up.

And

Flunking

Mid

Year

Exams.

(I'll still flunk anyway, even after studying for it. T_T)

SIGH. The internal struggle. 

If only my brain were more focused. 

BUT NO. 

so let's not think about the 'if only'. 

3. I WANT TO ESCAPE.

I don't know why, but suddenly, all these reminds me of Stanford Prison Experiment.

Like, if you were to lock up students in their house for a month, giving them no entertainment of any sort, and expect them to study 24/7 and sit for an exam at the end of the experiment. 

How many of them would pass?

Maybe, at the beginning, everyone would be motivated to study and their efficiency level is probably at near 100%. But as time goes by, their momentum would definitely drop and then their efficiency level would've dropped a whole lot as well.

Some might even have lost their minds by then.

So, all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

for me, it's 'all work and no play makes Jasmine insane'. 

Anyway it's not that extreme. But still, you get the point.

4. If you could choose between trusting and distrusting, which one would you choose?

Some of us trust too easily.

Some of us distrust too easily.

Truth is, in fact, based on who you trust, what you believe.

We try to be impartial, but ultimately, it still depends on what you hear.

If you are convinced by what you hear, then fine, this should be the truth.

So people who are eloquent should have a benefit in this.

If you tend to get convinced easily, 'truth' will be highly biased in your case. 

But seriously, who actually thinks about all these once he/she hears a rumor, a juicy gossip? 

5. "The only way to temper the outlandishness of a father's love was to weigh it against the facts of your children's imperfections".

-After This by Alice McDermott

I've fallen in love with this book. 

Such an exquisite and heart-wrenching book... Do read it if you come across it in the library. :)

5. 

I think, we all expect too much.

I think, simplicity is not what we truly yearn for.

I think, love is not about giving extravagant presents, having elaborated dinners, kissing each other every day, vowing the undying love...

For me, love is about my dad buying a piece of cake for my breakfast.

And my dad sitting quietly, listening to me playing the piano.

And my dad cleaning up my room.

And my dad smiling at me and telling be to be careful, when I go out.

Fathers' Day is nearing...

How can I ever, ever give him the amount of love he gave me?? 

6. Life, is like a piano performance. 

Ugly things pop up in the middle of the performance (fingers slipping, missing certain notes etc etc) but, the show must go on. If we stop and restart, that's a 'poor performance' and if that were an exam, that's a 'Fail'. 

7. Sometimes, pain such as the one I'm feeling now, have the ability to shatter everything else you have. 

7. Alright. Back to my life.

In case people wonder if I have been staying at home 24/7 since the beginning of holidays, NO WAY MAN.

haha. went out with my favourite girls. For breakfast, to talk, for dinner etc etc. :)

As long as you people are around (all my friends), I have a bit more strength to carry on.