When you see someone worse off than you
you feel a little relieved.
When you see someone happier than you
you quickly become impatient.
But sometimes you
realize just how pitiful you are
and you crash into reality.
If you think you're such a victim,
then you should act out until the end
this pretense of not caring about losing everything.
What do you wish for tomorrow?
Sometime please tell me if you
think you can get through this
interminable night that continues
in darkness.
-End of the World by Ayumi
Element: Water
Music: Futari de jidai wo kaede mitai by Every Little Thing
(why do they always have such long song titles?)
Anyway, this song always makes me feel really really emotional.
Alright. I'm obviously not in a good mood here.
So it's gonna be a pretty angsty entry, I guess.
And I hope it's not gonna be the last entry before I go into study-mode.
When you see someone worse off than you
you feel a little relieved.
How true is that?
Ask anyone if they've ever used another person to make them feel more worthy.
They'd probably say yes.
Has anyone not been secretly wishing he/she is not this this this person?
Be it studies wise, status wise, health wise or looks wise.
We like to look around us to search for people whom we can make use of to make ourselves seem better off.
Sounds despicable?
But aren't we all like that?
It's just that sometimes, harsh reality sets in when YOU'RE the one being made used of to make ppl seem like they're the best in the world.
Like when you were a light source, you'll want to stay together with the darkness, the overshadowed people, to outshine yourself.
That's why people say pretty people like to hang out with the not-so-pretty people.
Which is definitely hurting for the not-so-pretty people.
"You hang out with me because you want me to make you seem better looking? You bother to go out with me just to make yourself feel better? You talk to me so that you can seem more classy compared to me?"
That's reality, isn't it?
When you see someone happier than you
you quickly become impatient.
Because in your life, there can be no one who's better than you.
Period.
But sometimes you
realize just how pitiful you are
and you crash into reality.
I've always loved this sentence.
So true so true.
Oftentimes when we tell ourselves we're the best, we're just lying to ourselves.
Confident people are merely good liars.
Reality is not what we hope to experience.
Although we're just young people and have probably not experienced what's reality, I can understand that the pain and hurt that we would experience would be beyond my expectations.
If you think you're such a victim,
then you should act out until the end
this pretense of not caring about losing everything.
We're all victims of this cruel and dark society.
While we always say things like "Ahh. Who cares if I flunk this test?! Who cares if I lose my boyfriend one day? It's his problem anyway."
We never mean what we say.
Words can only convey this much information.
Words can hide your innerself.
It can be powerful, but it can also be just a powerless tool with no credibility.
We all don't want to lose, don't we?
That's why we're always competiting with everybody else.
Yesterday at Vivo
Joyce and Serene: Why are we walking so quickly?
Jas: Because everybody else is walking fast.
What do you wish for tomorrow?
Sometime please tell me if you
think you can get through this
interminable night that continues
in darkness.
I have always surprised myself when I wake up to a new day.
"I'm alive for one more day."
Darkness
Sometimes, it hurts.
It really hurts. Deep inside my heart.
Knowing I'm different from them.
Knowing I'll never be the same as them
You might start scolding me and saying things like "What ON EARTH are you talking about?!"
But's that's the way I feel sometimes.
I like to listen to other people talk these days.
Instead of me opening my mouth and finding interesting things to talk about/lame jokes to crack.
The fact is that, I feel different.
I realized,
I can only smile, laugh and nod.
And I feel inferior when I'm with you all.
As much as I love you all, I feel different from you all.
If I used the example of darkness and light source, then I'm the darkness.
Because, Jasmine is not the Jasmine anymore.
I still remember, when I read what Shige(from NEWS) asked Koyama(NEWS)
"Do you go out with me because you take pity on me?"
I felt really bad for him. Because Shige's self-esteem is so low.
And then this time round, I want to ask
"Do you go out with me because you feel obliged to?"
It's complicated. It's complicated.
How can I ever be compared to you girls?
The shining, bright, youthful, gorgeous, attractive, intelligent, free, happy bunch of people?
I admire you all. I really envy everything you all have.
Because, as much as I pretend to be strong, I have none of the things you all have.
All I have, in fact, is just a sad personality, an empty shell, a pair of sad eyes, sad looks...
Enough said.
For the very first time, I actually dug deep into my heart and poured everything out.
Read while you can. I might delete this crap entry anytime. haha.
