...all's right in the world~*

[Edited to include more small colourful things]

Big boss once said something like, you haven't really learnt anything from your experiences until you reflect on them.

And so, here I am, trying to make sense of this year (or rather, whatever little bit of it I can remember).

~*~*

1. On time

Recently, I had a discussion with J on why time seems to past faster as we age. 

I remember reading somewhere that it could be due to the notion of time relative to our age - one year might feel like a long time to a 10 year old (1/10 of his/her life), but a short time to a 70 year old (1/70 of his/her life). 

Another possible reason is that we're not creating new memories. Routine, mundane life with nothing remarkable or memorable to mark the years makes the years blend and bleed into one another. 

Or maybe, there were memorable events, but our (my) lousy brains just cannot encode/ recall such events. 

Or maybe, since there's nothing noteworthy, our (my) brains go into sleep mode most of the time.

And I remember reading that one way to get around this issue is to make sure we try to do something different everyday, or expose ourselves to something novel and interesting, to sort of force our brain to jolt awake and work a bit harder. It could be something as small as taking a slightly different route to work, or trying a new dish, or listening to a new song instead of the same old stuff...

Perhaps this is something I ought to try next year before my brain rots even more. 

2. On brain rot.

It's bad. It's really bad.

If there's anything that characterizes this year for me, it's most likely the state of my brain rot. 

And so, while I still have that bit of self-regulation left in me, I shall try to stop it from getting worse, before my brain really turns into mush (and it's not even the Evangelion kind!). 

3. On self-regulation.

I recently learnt that, at the heart of many positive habits and outcomes, lies self-regulation. 

It's almost like the quintessential skill/attribute that prevents us from turning into useless shitheads.

4. On shitheads

They're everywhere. And it takes a lot of self-regulation/ emotion-regulation to stop ourselves from doing things we might later regret (hence pt 3).

As I age, I realised that if there's anything about me that has very obviously changed for the worse, it's my patience.

Maybe because of the limited time we have left, there's simply no time to waste. 

5. On changes.

On a random day, I started making a mental list of aspects/ attributes that have changed over the years, and those that have remained pretty unchanged. 

And one (boliao) thing stood out to me - my hairstyle has pretty much remain unchanged since... no, it's not really my hairstyle, but my bangs.

For me, my bangs go beyond mere aesthetics and serve a deeper, almost existential purpose. 

More importantly, it conceals a part of me and serves as a protection of sorts. 

Whenever a strong gust of wind lifts a part of my bangs, or someone/I lift my bangs (for whatever reasons), I instantly feel vulnerable and exposed. It's the crippling type of vulnerability. 

To be honest, I don't think there's anything about my forehead that I want to hide in particular (it's a very, very average looking forehead), but I just feel a strong need to hide some part of my face. 

Even accidentally trimming my bangs a little shorter sends me into panic mode. 

It's such a bizarre ... defense mechanism (if I could call it that?)

6. On defense mechanisms.

I remember watching a video on the importance of boredom (here's the link to the video/ article if you're interested) - basically, the idea is that boredom is crucial for mental wellbeing as it gives us space and time to ponder about the big, existential questions. Avoiding boredom and filling our lives with constant distractions actually harms us as it makes life feel less purposeful.

This was fascinating to me, because now I know why I keep looking for distractions - they probably serve as a form of defense mechanism to help me cope (albeit in a maladaptive way) with my existential crisis. 

But, does facing my existential questions really help improve my mental health???

Believe me, I've tried - sat in silence with no distractions, ate with no distractions, lay down and focused on deep breathing (as part of yoga/ pilates)... 

I can only conclude that it not only does little to alleviate my feelings of anxiety/ doom & gloom, it amplifies them, and tops them off with loads more useless thoughts. 

Imho, this only works when you have the skill/ ability to face your fears/ discomfort, and tackle the thoughts constructively (which I sadly lack). BUT, I do acknowledge that it takes time and practice. 

Hopefully, there'll come a day when I can sit comfortably in silence with myself. 

7. On existential crisis.

Recently I've been trying to reframe my thinking to see it as somewhat egocentric to think my life is meant to have some purpose. 

The universe exists, and will go on existing, whether or not you ever decipher your purpose/ meaning; we're merely a blip in time, a speck of dust that happened to exist for an instance. 

I know it's a nihilistic way to view life, but in some warped way, this way of thinking does lessen the pressure that comes with the expectation that our lives are supposed to have some kind of meaning.

That's not to say we should live aimlessly; but rather, to see some bigger meaning/ purpose as optional and perhaps, might not be the most important thing to figure out.

8. On life.

Ok, I was supposed to talk about 2025 but ended up talking about random things. 

I guess it's because I don't really know what's worth mentioning in 2025. Like I've said a million times, little colourful things matter so much more than things deemed by society as important. 

Hence, as long as I have 

my family (furry buddies included), friends (old and old-er friends), good music (been listening to a lot more jazz and J city pop lately), good shows (in particular, TSHD, DDD, Demon Slayer (Infinity Castle), Adolescence, The Nomadland (watched on plane and fell in love), The Beast in Me, Dexter, random Wong Kar Wai movies that I rewatched recently), good games (e.g., SILENT HILL F (loved it), Ghost of Tsushima, Balatro (addictive), WWM, LADS (I know, I know)), good books (e.g., The city and its uncertain walls, The Factory, Number 9 dreams, Butter (finally completed after a long, long time)), good trips (Kyushu!!!), good events/ activities (e.g., AYU CONCERT (I can now die with one less regret), Yoasobi concert (unplanned but totally satisfying), Jacky Cheung concert, bowling (must have entertained K a lot), pilates (my staple now), ktv, random exhibitions, staycay (with T-chan again), catch ups with (lost) friends...

all is right in the world. 

(reference: Neon Genesis Evangelion, which, in turn, referenced Browning's Pippa Passes)

9.

Oftentimes, I wish life had an emergency exit or something, especially when it gets really exhausting. Or maybe just a pause button. But there isn't any. So I can only look for things/ reasons to keep me going (ref to the list in pt 8). 

Tbh, I'm dreading the new year but I am also trying my best to reframe my thinking, and to constantly remind myself to be grateful for what I have.

As long as I have... all is right in the world. 

And so, in 2026, I hope that all of us can find a way to feel right about the world, about ourselves, and everything we will be facing.

Thank you for being here, 

and cheers to gratitude, self-regulation, and all the little colourful things in life~ 

Resuscitated heart~*

 [Realised I'm taking way too long to write this; any longer and this is going to become a completely disjointed mess written across the whole year. So I'm going to wrap up what I wrote and continue the rest another time.]

1. On the dread of aging

"... oh this dark spot here is new..."

I can feel it slowly creeping up to me. 

In every line, every wrinkle, every dark spot... 

...and I don't think it's something I'm prepared for. 

While we all know cognitively that we've been aging all our lives, there's something about turning 3x that seems to accelerate the process. It's almost like falling off a cliff, where everything deteriorates exponentially. 

While we all know cognitively that it's inevitable, there's just something about the decay process that scares me a lot. 

And with that fear, comes the realisation that I must accept it, and I must come to terms with it fast. FAST. 

One key thing to do is probably to delink physical appearance with self-worth. Sad as it may sound, there's still some part of my self-worth that's intricately conditional on my youth (whatever's left of it anyway). 

And perhaps, the journey of meaning-seeking all through our younger and older phases of life is meant to prepare us for the inevitable - to find some purpose and worth besides (relatively) youthful appearances and bodies. 

2. On not being a lover girl

(inspired by Laufey's "Lover Girl") 

I genuinely thought I'd lost all qualities of a lover girl, and have become an almost genderless being without a single iota of "romantic-ness".

Yet, a teeny part of me swooned when I watched a recent romance C-drama (I know I know), and when I started playing LADS (I KNOW). 

And listening to the sugary romantic tunes took me back to the time when I still had a little bit of that left in me.

"Wow, I still have that in me eh?"

I've been very convinced over the years that I'd slowly turned into a melancholic machine. 

A lot of my responses are simply learned, and adjectives like "loving", "romantic", "passionate" don't describe me at all. 

Yet, recently I felt my heart (which I thought was almost half-dead) race for various reasons.

So maybe it's not as dead as I thought it is, and it's just waiting for the right time/place/reasons to be resuscitated. 

3. On choosing the right face

"Waits at the window, wearing the face that she keeps in a jar by the door

Who is it for?"

― Eleanor Rigby, The Beatles

It's not easy to pick the right expression for the right occasion, or as the right response to something.

Oftentimes, I find myself wondering if I'm wearing the right facial expression, using the right tone, establishing eye contact in the right way, with the right gesture and body posture.

Where does that knowledge even come from?

I guess it's from years of observations, learning from trial and error, mimicking, and practising...

Yet I don't think I'm getting any better at it.

For example, when my eyes meet that of a stranger's or an acquaintance's (or anybody whom I'd rather not have eye contact with/ anybody who makes me feel self-conscious), I am absolutely clueless as to which expression is the most appropriate. Should I smile? Or maintain a poker face/ neutral expression?

And what is a "neutral expression" anyway? 

Sigh, if only all these could be pre-programmed and activated accordingly. 

I guess I'm still not good with social interactions after all. That social awkwardness will always stick with me no matter where I am, and how old I am.

4. On pain receptors

On a random day at the office pantry, as I was refilling my bottle with hot water, I suddenly had the crazy thought of putting my hand under the stream of hot water just to see what happens. 

(I tend to have such weird intrusive impulses at times) 

But of course, I didn't, because I could already anticipate the consequences of that. And I went on to ponder about the purpose of pain receptors and how, to some extent, we all have different pain thresholds.

Pain receptors exist as a warning system of some sort. Without which, I would probably be cooking my hand under the stream of hot water without realising it. 

So then, are people with more sensitive pain receptors more well-protected? Since the teeniest bit of pain would make them recoil and retreat? 

Then, what about emotional pain? 

I guess it also depends on how you act on that pain. 

While some of us may retreat and hide from pain, others may continue to seek it, despite knowing how painful it's going to be. 

5. On eternal sunshine / summer

I FINALLY watched the film I've been meaning to watch since Uni days - Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. 

As expected, it reached deep and hit hard.

Clementine: This is it, Joel. It's going to be gone soon.

Joel: I know.

Clementine: What do we do?

Joel: Enjoy it.

         - From "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind"

I've always thought that it's a blessing to forget things, especially unhappy memories. But this film taught me otherwise - that the best way to honour a relationship is to remember.

To remember, no matter how painful. 

To remember, no matter how regretful. 

And it also reminded me that we probably cannot and should not be selective in what we love about a person, however hard it may be. 

Which brings me to my next show - 'The Summer Hikaru Died'

What started as disturbing and unsettling turned out to be heart-wrenching and heartwarming at the same time, and resuscitated that dying heart (ref. pt 2). 

"To you, I might've just been a replacement for Hikaru. But despite what I am, you gave me so much.

I love you, Yoshiki [...] that's truly how I feel.

Not as Hikaru, but as the monster I really am."

― 'The Summer Hikaru Died' 

I could go on and on about this anime (very possibly my favourite anime series of the year, with DDD being a close tie), but the thing that struck me most was simply,

When someone you love is no longer that someone, are you able to continue loving that someone?

Similarly, if I am no longer who I am (for whatever reasons), should I expect people to continue to love me?

6. 

I thought my heart would grow more steely as I age,

but I think I am becoming increasingly more sentimental instead (possible link to pt 2?)...

...and it's lonely to be the only one feeling this way. 

“Indeed. Loneliness is extremely hard. Whether you're alive or dead, the wasting away, the pain is exactly the same. 

But even so I still have the strong, vivid memories of having loved someone with all my heart. A feeling that seeped into the palms of my hands and still remains. Whether you have that warmth or not makes all the difference in the way your soul remains after death.”

― Haruki Murakami, The City and Its Uncertain Walls (loved it and shall talk about it another time)

 

7.

Rediscovered long forgotten songs that I used to put on repeat, and I remembered.

"

透き通るほど真っ直ぐに 

明日へ漕ぎだす君をみて 

眩しくて,  綺麗で,  苦しくなる

暗がりで咲いてるひまわり 

嵐が去ったあとの陽だまり 
そんな君に僕は恋してた 
そんな君を僕は ずっと..."

― Mr Children, "Himawari"

Be ourselves, without apology~*

 And so, the earth has (almost) made yet another trip around the sun. 

Some things just don't change

And in an increasingly unpredictable world, I appreciate the constants - one of which being my end-of-year reflections/ramblings 

[The next section was written without much thought put into the organisation, so once again, please forgive the messiness]

~*

1. Things I learnt from my plants

For those of you who don't know, I'm a proud owner of 9 potted plants (3 of which were recently acquired). 

And for those of you who don't know, I do not have green fingers, and am known at my workplace for being a plant killer (long story, but it was during one of those 'fun facts' bingo sessions where I was sabo-ed to reveal this intimate detail about myself).

Anyhow, I started gardening (??) during COVID, when I realised I needed an offline/non-screen-related hobby to stop myself from being glued to screens at all time. 

So far, I've killed several plants, but there are also a few that have managed to survive for a few years. Since I've talked about how Miyu inspires me, this time, I shall talk about life lessons that my plants have taught me over the years.

(a) Don't underestimate how hardy/tough one can get

I sometimes forget how hardy and tough plants can get. There were a few in particular, which I thought wouldn't live past the next few weeks given how feeble and sick they looked. But they proved me wrong, and went on to live (I'd like to think) happy lives. 

On the other hand, those sturdy looking ones are sometimes the first to go.

(b) When you drown something in love, you risk killing it

Case in point - I actually managed to kill a supposedly indestructible moonshine snake plant by overwatering it. The irony is that I was trying to increase its chance of survival when I went overseas. 

Sometimes, plants thrive on neglect. But ultimately, it's all about finding that sweet spot. 

(c) When it's time to let go, you have no choice but to let it go 

Labelling me as 'plant-killer' makes me seem heartless. But to be honest, my heart breaks a little every time a plant dies. After all, it was a life that I'd spent time with and somehow ended (directly or indirectly). 

No matter how distraught I get, I still have to take a shovel and empty the pot into a bag to throw it away.

And move on.

Though it doesn't get easier over time.

Regardless, thank you, dear plants, for those precious lessons. I can only hope your owner will internalise all of that and apply them in all areas of life.

2. Things I learnt from humans 

There were also a few takeaways from my recent interactions with humans:

(a) Perception = reality

Especially when the person is very confident of his/her judgment of the situation. Most of the time, I think perceptions matter much more than objective reality (if such a thing exists). 

Which brings me to the next learning point ...

(b) Sometimes, intentions may not matter

How many of us would pause to consider the person's intention when making a judgment about the person/the situation? 

Should we even be considering one's intention? 

Personally, I do take intention into account, but it is incredibly difficult. Given how unobservable these intentions are, I'm essentially giving people the benefit of the doubt. 

So it goes back to whether we choose trust over mistrust.

(c) A healthy dose of skepticism is ok, I guess

I'm not sure if it's an age thing, but I find myself growing increasingly skeptical of many things. 

I often ask myself if I am more of a skeptic or a cynic.

It does take quite a bit of wisdom not to turn into a cynic, I think, and I wonder if I have that in me.

3. Things that impacted me in one way or another

This year has been a rather interesting one, punctuated with several memorable events (all of which are non-work related HEH). Since I'm feeling a little more open today, here's a mindless listing: 

(a) Attending concerts (Coldplay, TS, Cellography, Sakamoto Ryuichi (was so deeply moved that I teared while wearing the giant VR headset), BoA (nostalgia overdose))

(b) Doing interesting activities (Kintsugi, chocolate-making, mini-golf (which I suck at), Ghibli exhibition, Harry Potter exhibition, reformer pilates (tough but rewarding), yoga)

(c) Going places (friends' new homes, vinyl cafe(!), outpost hotel (lovely place for staycay, though mine was with T haha), KANAZAWA-TAKAYAMA-TOYAMA (absolutely beautiful))

(d) Attending notable events (MW's wedding (beautiful <3 yet incredibly tiring), WC's wedding (lovely!), H's wedding (my first Muslim wedding))

(e) Playing games (FFVII REBIRTH (still my all-time fav RPG), FFXVI, Metaphor (loving it), Little Nightmares series (highly recommended for horror buffs), FFVII original, T&L (fun to play with colleagues, though I'm really just being the burden haha))

(f) Watching shows (too many to list, but the really good ones are - Dandadan (my fav anime of the year, but that could be a recency bias haha), Frieren (was it finished last year though?), MONSTER (thought-provoking and thrilling), EVANGELION (I know I already talked about it but can I just emphasise again how life-changing it was for me?), Mad Men (I didn't think I'd like this series but I love it!), SVU (my staple now), Long Legs (super disturbing), Love Letter (rewatched it after hearing about Nakayama Miho's passing...)

(g) Reading (notable ones include - THE CITY AND ITS UNCERTAIN WALLS (Murakami Haruki; 20% through and it just keeps evoking waves and waves of mixed emotions), A perfect day to be alone (Nanae Aoyama), Dead-end memories (Banana Yoshimoto; so achingly beautiful), Days at the Morisaki Bookshop (Satoshi Yagisawa), Think again (Adam Grant; it's a chore for me to get through non-fiction books but this is a really good read), The dictionary of obscure sorrows (John Koenig; just the title alone makes my heart skip a little)) 

(h) Listening to music (unlike the past where I obsessed over particular artistes, this year I mostly listened to theme songs of anime series/ movies; memorable ones include EVA OST, and songs by Fujii Kaze, Mr Children, Kenshi Yonezu, Utada Hikaru, TS, milet, Laufey (super love her voice))

(i) Spending time with people I want to spend time with  

Looking back, I'm even more convinced that I seek meaning in life through the little joys, however wu eh bo eh these seem. 

4. Things I will work on 

I often wonder why people seem to attach a negative connotation to the status quo.

It's as if we MUST strive for some kind of improvement, some kind of change, or life isn't worth living. 

This may make sense in the context of stagnation, or choosing to stagnate, but what if what we mean is preserving what we have now?

In fact, in face of the rapidly changing world, where we're all slowly decaying and dying (morbid as it sounds), preserving what we have is likely going to take extra effort. 

While I know I'm setting the bar super low, I think this is going to be my focus for the next year - 

preserving what little goodness I have in me, protecting my already incredibly flawed self from further degradation, preserving the little health/fitness gains I've made this year, maintaining my sanity and little inner peace that I can still find from time to time, maintaining my relationships with people whom I care about...

It's like what I said last year, living is difficult, and simply being able to stay alive amidst the crazy chaos around us, is already an achievement in and of itself.

Maybe it's ok not to aim for lofty goals or noble ambitions. 

Maybe it's ok to let go.

Maybe it's ok to just be. 

And enjoy the moment as is. 

5. 

That brings this lovely song to mind - Overflowing by Fujii Kaze

"Letting go,

feeling lighter,

becoming filled ..."

(turn on the subs:))

With that, great job for surviving another year and onward to 2025! 

May you be as you are and I remain as I am. 

Words I heard/ said/ remembered~*

[Random thoughts accumulated over the past months + a sudden urge to put them down + I don't have a lot of energy to write = my writing is going to be really lazy, please pardon me.]

1. "There's more to life than work."

It suddenly dawned on me that, probably only the privileged are able to say this.  

And emotions such as boredom are really a... luxury. 

2. "I'm thankful that I didn't grow up with social media."

Unless you count Friendster and MSN as social media... hmm, well, I guess they are sort of like SNS, but you get what I mean. 

I think if I were to have that kind of access to SNS like I do now, I probably would've turned out very differently. Possibly very, very messed up (even more messed up than I currently am, heh). 

So I really don't envy the adolescents who have to navigate through the nonsense. I know there are pluses, but honestly speaking, when I look at the impact it has on adults who have perfectly developed (I think) prefrontal cortexes, I wonder how detrimental it could be on the younger ones. 

Cliched as it sounds, I really do miss the simpler days. 

3. "As long as the Earth, Sun, and Moon exist, everything will be alright" 

EVANGELION. Where do I even start?

I finally watched the rebuild movie series, which was so good, and triggered so many thoughts and emotions, that I went back to devour the entire Neon Genesis Evangelion, followed by Death (True)2 and End of Evangelion. AGAIN.

And once again, I was completely blown away. 

When you strip the series to its core (heh), I think it's fundamentally about the pain of living and forming relationships, and finding ways to overcome that pain - the hedgehog dilemma indeed.

And layered upon that core are layers and layers of despair, hope, fear ... basically emotions and intimacy (and horror) in all forms.

I think this is definitely one series that has impacted me very profoundly.

"It all returns to nothing 

It all comes tumbling down 

Tumbling down, tumbling down 

It all returns to nothing 

I just keep letting me down

 Letting me down, letting me down"

- 'Komm Susser Tod' by Arianne (insert song for End of Evangelion - my recent earworm)

4. "... where there will be no end."

On a random day, at a random time, I suddenly remembered something I once said/wrote a long long time ago, which surprised even myself. 

After taking a long time to process the words, the timeline of events, the feelings, I suddenly wanted to laugh.

Laugh, not because there's anything funny, but because of the absurdity of it all.

Absurd, not because of what happened, but because of how all these "insights" were gained DECADES (ALMOST) late.

A special someone once said, "Regrets are insights gained a moment too late" (something to this effect)

And to think it's only NOW that I realise the full impact of what I'd done (and not done), and the full extent of my immaturity, selfishness, and unreasonableness.

Which, in turn, made me realise that,

I actually don't deserve this (you), and for you to remain in my life, you're actually doing me a favour... 

And that really changed my perspective towards a lot of things. 

Regardless of the form it takes, I still wish that you could utilise the permission; you know there's no expiration date (until I expire, that is, haha).

5. "What if... I am still who I was?"

"That's not such a bad thing, is it?"

Is it not? 

6. "How well do I know you?"

Absolutely stumped me, before I launched into a lengthy explanation about the context-dependent self (selves?)

Maybe the simpler explanation would be - Rei I, Rei II, Rei III... (ref. Evangelion) - there are imperfect clones of me. Everywhere.

7. 

I miss the honesty. 

(Correction - I miss the openness) 

Leaving it at 7 because. 

I think the night is playing awful tricks on my mind (but I'm really OK, since I have a (I think) relatively well-formed prefrontal cortex, hah).

Oh, and Happy National Day!  

18x2 (-2)~*

When the credits started rolling, so did the tears (internally). 

When the first few chords came on, my hands trembled a little and something sank a little.

When I started processing the lyrics, my heart wrenched, and a deep sadness washed over me. 

"Memories are always too beautiful, gentle, and painful..." 

 

記憶の旅人 (Kioku no tabibito) by Mr Children    

As I reflected, something similar (yet not quite) came to mind - 'Five centimeters per second' by Makoto Shinkai (which I've probably mentioned 2772 times, and I daresay in some aspects, it might be better than Your Name), and I went back to rewatch it.

10 years on, this poignant film (and music) still brings me a lot of heartache. 

But I think I am better able to understand and appreciate the film in its entirety. 

For the first time, I caught that glimmer of hope at the end of the depressing turn of events.

Heartachingly beautiful 

"命が繰り返すならば  何度も君のもとへ 

 欲しいものなど もう 何もない  

君のほかに大切なものなど"

(on a completely random sidenote, I just found out that I could embed Spotify links here, wow, just how suaku can I get)

[Edit: Since I mentioned the movie, I should provide a sneak preview too]

Something~*

1. Something final 

As the year draws to close, I find myself reflecting more and more on the concept of finality - the idea of things coming to an irreversible end. 

We often don't know where this end is, or when something truly becomes final, and we're often taken by surprise. 

I have this bad (?) habit of leaving the last episode of drama/anime series unwatched/ leaving book chapters unread because I simply don't want things to come to an irreversible end. 

I just want to deceive myself into thinking that, by prolonging it that way, it hasn't come to an end for me, which is a completely irrational idea. 

Why is it so difficult to deal with the end of something? Why is it so hard to let go?

For me, it's probably because I want that something to last forever. Maybe we all want that to different degrees. 

Because it's precious, it mattered, it meant something.

A friendship/relationship (and by extension, the person/precious pet), an experience (vacation, concert, a great show, a great book... or life in and of itself), tangible/material things that you cherish... 

But sadly, nothing ever does (maybe except One Piece... haha kidding)

And we have to know when something reaches finality, and let go. However painful it is. 

When we're no longer needed, when paths have diverged so conclusively, when time's up, when something ceases to exist... 

When there's nothing more to say besides 'goodbye'... 

... and it never gets easier. 

2. Something unrepeatable 

Not a second of life is repeatable. 

And sometimes, I feel like I'm just swept away by the passing of time. Before I can fully savour the moment, the moment has passed, then the next moment has passed, and then... 

Don't you wish we were able to somehow record every second of our lives in ultra HD 4K resolution, and rewind and replay various scenes whenever we feel like it (so Black Mirror)?

To look back and gain more insights - insights that can only be gained by looking through a pair of eyes that have seen, teared, smiled, ached...

But we can only be an observer, nothing more, nothing less. And rightly so, because if we could freely edit our past, then is it still worth living?

But it's precisely the unrepeatable nature of it that makes us want to cherish every moment of it.

3. Something that protects

I recently came across this term - "antifragile", which is about gaining strength from setbacks (somewhat related to resilience, I guess). 

And I like how it sounds. 

If we can somehow embrace and grow from the exposure to stressors, and build that shield, then perhaps, we could be better equipped to deal with unpredictability and whatever nonsense life throws at us. 

But the how is the question. 

After 30+ years of living, I feel like I'm still as fragile as a wine glass. 

Recently, I've been trying to adopt the Stoics' way of thinking about your locus of control - you can't control what happens to you, but you can control how you respond to them. 

You can only be upset if you allow yourself to; you can only feel pain if you perceive it to be painful...

But... sometimes, you react instinctively and before you know it, the pain has already hit you and is consuming you.

I suppose something like that comes with a shift in how you fundamentally operate (at the unconscious level, even)... and probably takes LOTS of practice. 

Oh well. 

4. Something that's coming

2024.

And with it, lots of unpredictability and unknowns... 

Looking back, I think I'm just glad to have survived another year relatively healthily (physically and mentally); it's really too easy to die.

And given how difficult it seems to live, maybe it's really pointless to stress over the purpose of life, or how much value we bring to the world or how relevant we are. 

Or maybe it is OK to be irrelevant, as long as we're trying our best to live. 

In 2024, may we find the strength to deal with finality, remember to appreciate every moment of life, have courage to seek antifragility, and simply remember to celebrate life.

That something [edited]~*

[this is an exceptionally difficult post to write... which took many long pauses, many 'undo's, many deep sighs, me twisting my face out of shape a couple of times (thanks to Aomame from '1Q84'), much hesitance... and hence, a long time. Again, the timeline may be slightly confusing, so, it's ok if you can't understand the order (or the content). Neither can I.] 

1. hanabi

She said, "I really like fireworks! In Japanese, it's called 'Hanabi'. So pretty!" 

With every explosion in the sky, a deep resonance was felt in the depths of my heart, 

and memories got dislodged from the deepest corners. 

And something flooded me with something. 

Anyway, thank you T-chan, despite the INSANE crowds. 

(On a side note, I think this is the only kind of explosion humans should witness (and maybe the amazing explosion scene in Oppenheimer))

2. 21, 8, 11, 18, 9, 12... (among many others) 

"Yes, it was beautiful indeed. Every single moment of it," he said. 

Recently, I've been feeling the something very profoundly, very clearly, and very painfully.

I went back, I searched, I re-lived it, I felt it deeply, and I reflected...

The potentiality of it, the actuality of it, the words that were unspoken, the heart that was suspended...

What have I done? 

And then, 

What am I trying to do?

That something. 

It ebbs and flows;

at times, it caresses you softly, and other times, it slaps you right where it hurts the most. 

Because something happened.

Because the strong waves washed up the chest of memories that were locked away all those years ago. 

Because...

3. regression (not the mathematical kind)

"Because I have you, I have..." she  trailed off. 

I've regressed. 

You would think that 30+ years of living would teach me how to regulate emotions better, how to rationalise and manage emotions... or at the very least, know how to label emotions. 

But alas, here I am, stuck in a whirlwind of... something that I can't give a name to. 

And there's the rumination about something I can absolutely do nothing about, which fuels the frustration, upon layers and layers of complex feelings that should remain 

unrealised, 

unseen, 

unheard, 

unknown... 

(yet, here I am) 

4. hidden

He asked, "If you could go back to a particular timepoint, when would it be?" (something along this line)

There was a veil;

I wasn't able to see you clearly, and neither was I able to let you see me clearly.

Everything was seemingly aligned; I smiled, and so did you.

But there was a veil 

of something.

5. 

"Despite it all. Here we are," she said.

 

"Perhaps in some other alternate universe. Someplace with 2 moons. A different story unfolded?" he chuckled (I assumed). 

I blame 1Q84 for this. 

~*~*

[I hadn't intended for it to sound more bitter than sweet. So here is the sweet(er) counterpart.] 

6. 10s, 20s, 30s

"What happened? Your face is like a bittergourd," he remarked.

Things I'd forgotten. 

"Look at the beautiful sunrise!" she exclaimed. 

Things I wish I'd never forget. 

Recently, I spoke to various people who have accompanied me throughout my 10s-30s. 

And it struck me that, 

if I were to line 3 prototypical Jas's in her 10s, 20s and 30s, would I see more similarities than differences? 

Would I find an unchanging core? What would that be?

That aside, the fact that there are people who have been with me, and are still journeying with me, who have seen me at my worst (I think I was incredibly childish, erratic and unlovable) and my best (??) really warms me up from within. 

Because why would anyone stick around? Aren't there better things to do? Better people to invest your time and effort in? 

7. Because. 

"If you can love someone with your whole heart, even one person, then there's salvation in life..."

― Haruki Murakami, 1Q84

放开的手 接住了我 

不离不弃 不曾更改

...

原来爱一直都在

― 韋禮安, 一直都在