This morning we have Patchi's query again, this time with my feedback, in blue.
The letter:
Dear [Agent name],
Last year, you showed interest in my novel The Legacy of the Eye If it was published, this goes in italics. If it wasn't, ALL CAPS. (Jane Austen's Persuasion meets 1984 in space). I am now seeking representation for my YA fantasy SHROUDED GODDESS.
Seventeen(-)year-old Sophie spends her days hiding her tribal heritage and fending off her baron-to-be cousin's groping attentions. She yearns for the freedom the tribes enjoyed before the Easterners invaded from across the sea.
Hmm. Okay, this isn't bad, but as I often see, most of this is the situation Sophie finds herself in, moreso than the CHARACTER she is.
One thing I think people often forget when they write queries is that CHARACTERS exist before STORIES. STORIES are important, of course, and they are a fundamental part of human culture, but STORY is nothing without CHARACTER. And what I mean by that is more than voice and arc and style and pluck and so on. I mean that as writers, we must remember that our CHARACTERS are people. They have a life before their STORY starts, and in order to really make our readers care about them, we've got to show them what kind of people our CHARACTERS are.
So, how does that relate to your query? Well, we get a little sense of Sophie from her situation--she's an aboriginal person living in a colonized state, and her cousin is both attracted to her (creepily, it seems) and about to become a baron. This is all well and good, and the most important detail here (when it comes to CHARACTER) is that she is constantly "fending" him off. This tells us a good deal about who Sophie is. What kind of person. What her CHARACTER is.
But you could do more. If you really want to get your reader to sympathize with your protagonist and care about whether or not she succeeds, introduce her to them with plenty of personality before you go into what's going on in her plight.
According to her grandmother, the only way to save the tribes from Sophie’s ravaging uncle is by awakening the Water Goddess, whom no one has seen since the invasion. Cousin, grandmother, uncle ... so it's all a family affair? This is getting a little confusing. They're all tribal people if they're all related, right? So where are the invaders? Her uncle and her cousin are serving the invaders as puppets or something? All Sophie has to guide her are the old stories and songs her grandmother taught her. And Gavin, of course. Sophie used to think he would save her from a forced wedding to her cousin, but her uncle rewarded Gavin's marriage aspirations to Sophie with a public flogging, his baronet father executed for treason, and his manor burnt to the ground.
Okay, this is getting interesting. We have a potential love interest, and he's being persecuted by her own family, who are in power (even though we don't exactly understand how or why), and that certainly sets up some great potential conflict. If you could just make the politics a little clearer, I think you'd be in good shape here.
Finding the Water Goddess is the easy part; getting help isn't. Not only is the goddess powerless, she is more interested in fashion than politics. Whoa. Nice twist. Her advice is for Sophie to seek help elsewhere, and that’s not a reply anyone wants to hear. Sophie's only hope to save the tribes and herself is to use her unexpected water-controlling powers to find another Goddess, one nobody knew existed, in a land with more scars than her uncle can lash out onto those who oppose him.
This doesn't really end on a sadistic CHOICE note, but you've sort of got one implied there. She can hunt for this other goddess, or try to convince the one she already found to step up. Not the toughest choice ever, but it could work.
SHROUDED GODDESS is a 63,000 word YA fantasy set in a world that mirrors South America during the Portuguese colonization of the 16th century. With Avatar waterbending Whoa. You mean Avatar: The Last Airbender? If so, that's AWESOME. in the rainforest, this novel It's not technically a novel until it's published. Right now it's a manuscript or a story. will appeal to fans of Shadow and Bone by Leigh Bardugo.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Patricia Moussatche
So, in summary, I see two main problems with this query.
First, is the lack of sympathetic characterization of your protagonist before you get into the plot and conflict. I already went off about that for a while up above, so I'll move on to the second point:
The invaders. You bring them up in your opening hook, and then never mention them again. It seems to me that the uncle and the cousin are somehow working with or serving the invaders, but it's not actually certainly clear. Is that right? If so, you should probably clarify it a little better in this query. You've got the room.
That's it!
What do you all think?
Showing posts with label Patricia Moussatche. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Patricia Moussatche. Show all posts
Friday, August 22, 2014
Thursday, August 21, 2014
Patricia Moussatche's Current Query II
We've had one of Patchi from My Middle Years' queries on this blog before. Please welcome her back, and like me, save your feedback for tomorrow!
The query:
Dear [Agent name],
Last year, you showed interest in my novel The Legacy of the Eye (Jane Austen's Persuasion meets 1984 in space). I am now seeking representation for my YA fantasy SHROUDED GODDESS.
Seventeen year-old Sophie spends her days hiding her tribal heritage and fending off her baron-to-be cousin's groping attentions. She yearns for the freedom the tribes enjoyed before the Easterners invaded from across the sea.
According to her grandmother, the only way to save the tribes from Sophie’s ravaging uncle is by awakening the Water Goddess, whom no one has seen since the invasion. All Sophie has to guide her are the old stories and songs her grandmother taught her. And Gavin, of course. Sophie used to think he would save her from a forced wedding to her cousin, but her uncle rewarded Gavin's marriage aspirations to Sophie with a public flogging, his baronet father executed for treason, and his manor burnt to the ground.
Finding the Water Goddess is the easy part; getting help isn't. Not only is the goddess powerless, she is more interested in fashion than politics. Her advice is for Sophie to seek help elsewhere, and that’s not a reply anyone wants to hear. Sophie's only hope to save the tribes and herself is to use her unexpected water-controlling powers to find another Goddess, one nobody knew existed, in a land with more scars than her uncle can lash out onto those who oppose him.
SHROUDED GODDESS is a 63,000 word YA fantasy set in a world that mirrors South America during the Portuguese colonization of the 16th century. With Avatar waterbending in the rainforest, this novel will appeal to fans of Shadow and Bone by Leigh Bardugo.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Patricia Moussatche
That's it!
Please thank Patchi for sharing with us, and come back tomorrow!
The query:
Dear [Agent name],
Last year, you showed interest in my novel The Legacy of the Eye (Jane Austen's Persuasion meets 1984 in space). I am now seeking representation for my YA fantasy SHROUDED GODDESS.
Seventeen year-old Sophie spends her days hiding her tribal heritage and fending off her baron-to-be cousin's groping attentions. She yearns for the freedom the tribes enjoyed before the Easterners invaded from across the sea.
According to her grandmother, the only way to save the tribes from Sophie’s ravaging uncle is by awakening the Water Goddess, whom no one has seen since the invasion. All Sophie has to guide her are the old stories and songs her grandmother taught her. And Gavin, of course. Sophie used to think he would save her from a forced wedding to her cousin, but her uncle rewarded Gavin's marriage aspirations to Sophie with a public flogging, his baronet father executed for treason, and his manor burnt to the ground.
Finding the Water Goddess is the easy part; getting help isn't. Not only is the goddess powerless, she is more interested in fashion than politics. Her advice is for Sophie to seek help elsewhere, and that’s not a reply anyone wants to hear. Sophie's only hope to save the tribes and herself is to use her unexpected water-controlling powers to find another Goddess, one nobody knew existed, in a land with more scars than her uncle can lash out onto those who oppose him.
SHROUDED GODDESS is a 63,000 word YA fantasy set in a world that mirrors South America during the Portuguese colonization of the 16th century. With Avatar waterbending in the rainforest, this novel will appeal to fans of Shadow and Bone by Leigh Bardugo.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Patricia Moussatche
That's it!
Please thank Patchi for sharing with us, and come back tomorrow!
Friday, February 1, 2013
Patricia Moussatche's Current Query Critiqued
Welly well, readers. It's Friday, and you know what that means! Patricia's query again, this time with my feedback, in blue.
Here we go:
Dear [Agent Name],
David and Catrine, top governance I don't understand this word in this context. graduates from the Academy of Demia, are more than friends and schoolmates--they are a team. At least until the day she kisses him on the way to their proposal defense. Proposal defense? Is that the name of a class? Some assignment they have to complete? It is the kind of kiss that makes a guy forget his speech. So the proposal defense is the speech? I'm not sure I'm clear on that. Catrine steps in to salvage their pitch, and earns for herself the directorship of the new program they proposed. Which is?
Except for some minor vagueness, and a few details that need to be clarified, this opening isn't bad. It improves on the strengths of your old version, and clues us into David and Catrine's relationship with more oomph, I think. The only thing is, you need to think about your inciting incident. Generally, it should be the hook that concludes your final paragraph. I suppose you could argue that the kiss is it, or even the directorship, but I think the key to the premise of this story is really the tattoo, and what it means as far as the potential to splinter David and Catrine's relationship.
When David notices the tiny tattoo hidden beneath Catrine's hair, he is convinced she is next in line for a hereditary throne that should not exist on their school-planet. David is appalled by the discovery that a single family has been ruling Demia in secret since colonization. Demia is the center of knowledge in the galaxy. It is supposed to value merit, not birthright.
I wouldn't change a thing about this paragraph. You've taken your premise, stakes, and inciting incident, and distilled them down into a very succinct summary.
As the utopia he has always cherished crumbles into a school-boy’s fantasy, fantasy or nightmare? David realizes his parents want to institute marriage on the planet by wedding him to Catrine. So, no one got married before? I'm not quite clear on that. They want to crown him the first king of Demia. If he exposes the ploy, David will ruin both his and Catrine's chances of ever governing their planet. He can only hope his governance degree will be worth something at the other end of the galaxy. This comes a little out of left field presented this way. The way you had it written in the old version is actually a little better. But Catrine cannot forget him, nor does she believe Demia can prosper without him. And she might just be the bait to lure him back home.
This final paragraph isn't bad, but I think the whole third paragraph is actually worded better in your earlier draft. If you combined that with the first two from here, you'd be in great shape.
THE LEGACY OF THE EYE, complete at 86,000 words, is science fiction with romantic components. I would prefer the word elements to the word components, but I suppose that's just semantics. LEGACY has a literary bent and was inspired by Plato’s Republic. It will appeal to those who think Jane Austen should have penned 1984. This kind of comparison sounds cool, but I have no idea exactly what you mean. I kind of like it anyway, though, even if I'm not sure why.
Okay, in summary, I really think you're getting close here. Tweak the first paragraph with my suggestions, which should be:
That's it!
What do you all think? Be sure to read the old version for comparison. Otherwise, have a great weekend!
Here we go:
Dear [Agent Name],
David and Catrine, top governance I don't understand this word in this context. graduates from the Academy of Demia, are more than friends and schoolmates--they are a team. At least until the day she kisses him on the way to their proposal defense. Proposal defense? Is that the name of a class? Some assignment they have to complete? It is the kind of kiss that makes a guy forget his speech. So the proposal defense is the speech? I'm not sure I'm clear on that. Catrine steps in to salvage their pitch, and earns for herself the directorship of the new program they proposed. Which is?
Except for some minor vagueness, and a few details that need to be clarified, this opening isn't bad. It improves on the strengths of your old version, and clues us into David and Catrine's relationship with more oomph, I think. The only thing is, you need to think about your inciting incident. Generally, it should be the hook that concludes your final paragraph. I suppose you could argue that the kiss is it, or even the directorship, but I think the key to the premise of this story is really the tattoo, and what it means as far as the potential to splinter David and Catrine's relationship.
When David notices the tiny tattoo hidden beneath Catrine's hair, he is convinced she is next in line for a hereditary throne that should not exist on their school-planet. David is appalled by the discovery that a single family has been ruling Demia in secret since colonization. Demia is the center of knowledge in the galaxy. It is supposed to value merit, not birthright.
I wouldn't change a thing about this paragraph. You've taken your premise, stakes, and inciting incident, and distilled them down into a very succinct summary.
As the utopia he has always cherished crumbles into a school-boy’s fantasy, fantasy or nightmare? David realizes his parents want to institute marriage on the planet by wedding him to Catrine. So, no one got married before? I'm not quite clear on that. They want to crown him the first king of Demia. If he exposes the ploy, David will ruin both his and Catrine's chances of ever governing their planet. He can only hope his governance degree will be worth something at the other end of the galaxy. This comes a little out of left field presented this way. The way you had it written in the old version is actually a little better. But Catrine cannot forget him, nor does she believe Demia can prosper without him. And she might just be the bait to lure him back home.
This final paragraph isn't bad, but I think the whole third paragraph is actually worded better in your earlier draft. If you combined that with the first two from here, you'd be in great shape.
THE LEGACY OF THE EYE, complete at 86,000 words, is science fiction with romantic components. I would prefer the word elements to the word components, but I suppose that's just semantics. LEGACY has a literary bent and was inspired by Plato’s Republic. It will appeal to those who think Jane Austen should have penned 1984. This kind of comparison sounds cool, but I have no idea exactly what you mean. I kind of like it anyway, though, even if I'm not sure why.
Okay, in summary, I really think you're getting close here. Tweak the first paragraph with my suggestions, which should be:
- Clarify what the proposal is, what it means, and whether Catrine's directorship means David is out.
- Characterize your protagonists a little more. One word of personality can go a long way.
- Consider introducing David by himself at first. I realize this is a dual POV story, but queries tend to work best when they open with one character for us to care about.
That's it!
What do you all think? Be sure to read the old version for comparison. Otherwise, have a great weekend!
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Patricia Moussatche's Current Query
I've had Patricia on before. Now she's back, with a revision.
Here's the query:
Dear [Agent Name],
David and Catrine, top governance graduates from the Academy of Demia, are more than friends and schoolmates--they are a team. At least until the day she kisses him on the way to their proposal defense. It is the kind of kiss that makes a guy forget his speech. Catrine steps in to salvage their pitch, and earns for herself the directorship of the new program they proposed.
When David notices the tiny tattoo hidden beneath Catrine's hair, he is convinced she is next in line for a hereditary throne that should not exist on their school-planet. David is appalled by the discovery that a single family has been ruling Demia in secret since colonization. Demia is the center of knowledge in the galaxy. It is supposed to value merit, not birthright.
As the utopia he has always cherished crumbles into a school-boy’s fantasy, David realizes his parents want to institute marriage on the planet by wedding him to Catrine. They want to crown him the first king of Demia. If he exposes the ploy, David will ruin both his and Catrine's chances of ever governing their planet. He can only hope his governance degree will be worth something at the other end of the galaxy. But Catrine cannot forget him, nor does she believe Demia can prosper without him. And she might just be the bait to lure him back home.
THE LEGACY OF THE EYE, complete at 86,000 words, is science fiction with romantic components. LEGACY has a literary bent and was inspired by Plato’s Republic. It will appeal to those who think Jane Austen should have penned 1984.
That's it.
Please thank Patricia for sharing, and save your feedback for tomorrow.
Here's the query:
Dear [Agent Name],
David and Catrine, top governance graduates from the Academy of Demia, are more than friends and schoolmates--they are a team. At least until the day she kisses him on the way to their proposal defense. It is the kind of kiss that makes a guy forget his speech. Catrine steps in to salvage their pitch, and earns for herself the directorship of the new program they proposed.
When David notices the tiny tattoo hidden beneath Catrine's hair, he is convinced she is next in line for a hereditary throne that should not exist on their school-planet. David is appalled by the discovery that a single family has been ruling Demia in secret since colonization. Demia is the center of knowledge in the galaxy. It is supposed to value merit, not birthright.
As the utopia he has always cherished crumbles into a school-boy’s fantasy, David realizes his parents want to institute marriage on the planet by wedding him to Catrine. They want to crown him the first king of Demia. If he exposes the ploy, David will ruin both his and Catrine's chances of ever governing their planet. He can only hope his governance degree will be worth something at the other end of the galaxy. But Catrine cannot forget him, nor does she believe Demia can prosper without him. And she might just be the bait to lure him back home.
THE LEGACY OF THE EYE, complete at 86,000 words, is science fiction with romantic components. LEGACY has a literary bent and was inspired by Plato’s Republic. It will appeal to those who think Jane Austen should have penned 1984.
That's it.
Please thank Patricia for sharing, and save your feedback for tomorrow.
Friday, September 21, 2012
Patricia Moussatche's Current Query Critiqued
Man, I hate oversleeping. I mean, don't get me wrong, I hate waking up on time, too (so not a morning person), but waking up late sucks in a different way. I work on a 24/7 tech support team, so when I normally get in a 6 AM, I'm relieving someone who has been there all night. When I'm late, they have to stay ...
Anyway, talking about my day job is so lame, even I'm already bored. So let's get to work. Today we have Patricia's query again, this time with my feedback, in blue.
Here's the letter:
Dear [Agent Name],
Top graduates ever from the Academy of Demia, David and Catrine were Queries are generally written in present tense. You can break the rules if you make it work, but be careful, because your tense switches in the third paragraph. I realize you're using tense to separate backstory from story, but that means you've got two whole paragraphs of backstory! more than friends and schoolmates -- You don't usually surround em-dashes with spaces. In fact, I recommend leaving them out of queries, but if you're going to use them, make sure you use them--like this--right. they were a team. At least until the day he kissed her. Otherwise, as far as content goes, this opening isn't bad. I like this twist, I like the bit of world-building, and I like the sense of character we have, but I do think we could use a little more characterization. Who is the protagonist? David? Try to introduce him first, give us a sense of who he is, and make it clear why we should care that he succeeds.
That was the day David noticed the tiny tattoo hidden in her hair. Ooh, I like this. He recognized the symbol from a book that implied a single family had been ruling Demia since colonization. I was thinking Fantasy up until this point, but it's not really a problem, because you can mention genre in the subject line of your email. But David had never believed the book before -- it contradicted the core principles on which the planet was founded. Demia was the center of knowledge in the galaxy. It was supposed to value merit, not birthright. Everyone knew the last two headmasters were from the same bloodline -- but all of them? No wonder the history books have disappeared! I'm struggling with this. On the one had, it's all pretty cool. Certainly important to the story, and clearly makes for a fascinating world rife with conflict, but I'm not sure whether it belongs in a query. This is essentially all backstory, set-up, or world-building. Or all three. In a query, you kind of need to open with an inciting incident, and then get right to the conflict. The discovery of the tattoo might be that incident, and I realize you need to set-up the contradiction for the conflict to make sense, but you might need to go about it more quickly.
Now David is certain Catrine is next in line for a hereditary throne that should not even existon their academic planet. You've already set this up enough, so unless you cut some of it, you don't need to repeat this point. Will his own accomplishments count for naught when the next ruler is chosen? And how can he love her if she represents the hypocrisy of the utopian society he has always believed in? Wow. Tough choice. Works excellently in this query.
When David discovers his parents are conspiring to make him king of Demia -- a position that does not exist -- by marrying him to Catrine, he is sure his leadership skills can be better employed bringing peace to the turmoil at the other end of the galaxy. He does not want to be part of a deceitful government, but can Demia prosper without him? And how long can he evade those who are determined to lure him home? The bait might just be more than he can resist. This is excellent too. If you could somehow distill this query down to these last two paragraphs, you'd be in great shape.
THE LEGACY OF THE EYE, complete at 85,000 words, is social science fiction and was inspired by Plato’s Republic. I also work with science fiction in test tubes at [the cool place I work]. If you really do it, wouldn't it be science non-fiction?
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Okay, in summary: I'm having a really hard time deciding what to tell you to change about this query. You've got two long paragraphs of backstory, that I would normally say you have to cut, but then the two great plot paragraphs wouldn't make as much sense.
The one thing I definitely think you should do is introduce David by himself, show us who he is, and make us care. Then, if you could tighten up the backstory about the world, maybe into one or two brief sentences, and then get right to the actual plot/conflict/story, I think you'd be in much better shape.
Let's see what my readers think.
That's it.
What do you all think? Can the query work with all that backstoy? Or do you think there's another way to go about it? Anything else you would suggest?
Anyway, talking about my day job is so lame, even I'm already bored. So let's get to work. Today we have Patricia's query again, this time with my feedback, in blue.
Here's the letter:
Dear [Agent Name],
Top graduates ever from the Academy of Demia, David and Catrine were Queries are generally written in present tense. You can break the rules if you make it work, but be careful, because your tense switches in the third paragraph. I realize you're using tense to separate backstory from story, but that means you've got two whole paragraphs of backstory! more than friends and schoolmates -- You don't usually surround em-dashes with spaces. In fact, I recommend leaving them out of queries, but if you're going to use them, make sure you use them--like this--right. they were a team. At least until the day he kissed her. Otherwise, as far as content goes, this opening isn't bad. I like this twist, I like the bit of world-building, and I like the sense of character we have, but I do think we could use a little more characterization. Who is the protagonist? David? Try to introduce him first, give us a sense of who he is, and make it clear why we should care that he succeeds.
That was the day David noticed the tiny tattoo hidden in her hair. Ooh, I like this. He recognized the symbol from a book that implied a single family had been ruling Demia since colonization. I was thinking Fantasy up until this point, but it's not really a problem, because you can mention genre in the subject line of your email. But David had never believed the book before -- it contradicted the core principles on which the planet was founded. Demia was the center of knowledge in the galaxy. It was supposed to value merit, not birthright. Everyone knew the last two headmasters were from the same bloodline -- but all of them? No wonder the history books have disappeared! I'm struggling with this. On the one had, it's all pretty cool. Certainly important to the story, and clearly makes for a fascinating world rife with conflict, but I'm not sure whether it belongs in a query. This is essentially all backstory, set-up, or world-building. Or all three. In a query, you kind of need to open with an inciting incident, and then get right to the conflict. The discovery of the tattoo might be that incident, and I realize you need to set-up the contradiction for the conflict to make sense, but you might need to go about it more quickly.
Now David is certain Catrine is next in line for a hereditary throne that should not even exist
When David discovers his parents are conspiring to make him king of Demia -- a position that does not exist -- by marrying him to Catrine, he is sure his leadership skills can be better employed bringing peace to the turmoil at the other end of the galaxy. He does not want to be part of a deceitful government, but can Demia prosper without him? And how long can he evade those who are determined to lure him home? The bait might just be more than he can resist. This is excellent too. If you could somehow distill this query down to these last two paragraphs, you'd be in great shape.
THE LEGACY OF THE EYE, complete at 85,000 words, is social science fiction and was inspired by Plato’s Republic. I also work with science fiction in test tubes at [the cool place I work]. If you really do it, wouldn't it be science non-fiction?
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Okay, in summary: I'm having a really hard time deciding what to tell you to change about this query. You've got two long paragraphs of backstory, that I would normally say you have to cut, but then the two great plot paragraphs wouldn't make as much sense.
The one thing I definitely think you should do is introduce David by himself, show us who he is, and make us care. Then, if you could tighten up the backstory about the world, maybe into one or two brief sentences, and then get right to the actual plot/conflict/story, I think you'd be in much better shape.
Let's see what my readers think.
That's it.
What do you all think? Can the query work with all that backstoy? Or do you think there's another way to go about it? Anything else you would suggest?
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