DL Hammons' Current Query Critiqued

Today we have DL's query again, this time with my feedback, in blue.

The letter:

Agent Name
Agency Name

Agent personal paragraph.

The word on a sixteen-year-old Knox Gidden is that he's nothing but military-brat, emphasis on brat. THIS is great. Query writers out there: READ THIS opening line. THIS is how you introduce a character in a query and make us care from the get go. If I had to nitpick this line, I would say that using "The word on," weakens it a tiny bit, but it also gives it nuance, because it means a lot of people see Knox that way, but it's not really true. Until recently he was fine with that. I'm not sure you need this. On the one hand, it's good, because it speaks of a call to action, but on the other, in the next sentence, you move on to something else. He's lost count of how many times his family has relocated (not really) and it's left him withdrawn, bitter, a loner with a tendency to act out by playing nasty tricks on moving day. I almost want to see "moving day" capitalized. Like it's this big thing, that happens so often, it's become a proper noun for Knox. "Moving Day." But after his mother died of cancer and a tragic prank-gone-wrong that put his brother in a wheelchair, a guilt-ridden Knox wants to clean up his act. The family's transfer to Ox-Bow, deemed their "final move", is supposed to be a fresh-start for everyone. Unbeknownst to them, something else has moved in with them.

Okay. So this is really good. It's very specific, it has a strong sense of character, who we can sympathize with not only because of his suffering, but because of how he chooses to react to it. That said, it's a little long, and we haven't gotten to an inciting incident just yet. I'm guessing you're about to, and if so that's probably fine, but I just wanted to point it out because that kind of one-two punch of CHARACTER-HOOK(Inciting Incident) is usually what bookends the opening paragraph in a good query.

After all the empty cartons have been dragged to the curb, one more box mysteriously appears. It's a dark, ominous box with curious etchings covering its surface. Don't get me wrong, it's a great line, but this is a query, not pages. You really don't need to describe anything this way. The box is already mysterious just for showing up. Unless the etchings are somehow completely integral to the plot, you don't need to bring them up. Of course all fingers point to Knox, which only gets worse when the box keeps showing up in his room. It's not long before Knox realizes he's on a collision course with something unnatural, an ancient evil that has chosen his step-mother at its next vessel to toy with. His only allies in this battle are Lewis, a kleptomaniac neighbor, Brodie, the beautiful girl who watches over Lewis, and Wilfred, a white-haired stranger who shows up claiming to know everything about the box and its purpose.

Hmm. This is a lot of named characters for a query, but I kind of think you make it work. It's four characters in all, which is a lot, but you give them each at least one uniquely identifying characteristic, and the way you bundle everyone together at the end except for Knox makes it work. Others may disagree.

Time is short for Knox and his friends. Can they find a way to save his step-mom before the malevolent force draws closer to ending the game and obtaining the two things it desires the most -- mortal fear, and fresh souls? Unfortunately, history says otherwise.

This, unfortunately, is vague. In fact, the second paragraph really doesn't give us a clear sense of the conflict either, which is where that usually takes place. I'll write more about this in my summary.

MOVING FEAR (an 80,000 word YA Horror) is a standalone with series potential which combines the type of haunting plot of Kendare Blake's Anna Dressed in Blood Anna Dressed in Blood with the creepy atmosphere of Gretchen McNeil's Possess Possess. In my day job, I write procedure manuals, but when the sun goes down, I maintain a popular blog that hosts a yearly writing contest judged by industry professionals. Link to it. Write Club is a big deal, and a lot of people know about it.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

DL Hammons

Okay, so in summary, I think this query is in great shape. To be perfectly honest, if I was an agent looking for this kind of story, I would probably skip from the end of the first paragraph, down to the housekeeping, and then jump right into the pages.

I think you'll get a lot of requests if you send this query out as is. That said, there is still room for improvement (there almost always is). The main thing missing here is a better and more specific sense of exactly what the conflict is. Now, we have a vague sense of a spirit that lives in a box (or something) who may want to steal Knox's stepmother's soul (probably).

I get that you want to keep things a bit mysterious, and you certainly don't want to give away an ending in a query letter, but it might help to know a bit more about exactly what the malevolent force wants, how it accomplishes its goals, and what Knox and team can do to stop it.

One thing that comes to mind (and this may not work in a query unless it works in the story) is that what if Knox struggles about whether or not he wants to save his step mom? That would leave him a pretty nice sadistic choice, which is a great way to end a query and entice readers to want pages.

That's it!

What do you all think? Anything you would add?

DL Hammons' Current Query

Everybody knows DL, right? Host of the Write Club? If not, make sure you go follow his blog.

Here's his query:

Agent Name
Agency Name

Agent personal paragraph.

The word on a sixteen-year-old Knox Gidden is that he's nothing but military-brat, emphasis on brat. Until recently he was fine with that. He's lost count of how many times his family has relocated (not really) and it's left him withdrawn, bitter, a loner with a tendency to act out by playing nasty tricks on moving day. But after his mother died of cancer and a tragic prank-gone-wrong that put his brother in a wheelchair, a guilt-ridden Knox wants to clean up his act. The family's transfer to Ox-Bow, deemed their "final move", is supposed to be a fresh-start for everyone. Unbeknownst to them, something else has moved in with them.

After all the empty cartons have been dragged to the curb, one more box mysteriously appears. It's a dark, ominous box with curious etchings covering its surface. Of course all fingers point to Knox, which only gets worse when the box keeps showing up in his room. It's not long before Knox realizes he's on a collision course with something unnatural, an ancient evil that has chosen his step-mother at its next vessel to toy with. His only allies in this battle are Lewis, a kleptomaniac neighbor, Brodie, the beautiful girl who watches over Lewis, and Wilfred, a white-haired stranger who shows up claiming to know everything about the box and its purpose.

Time is short for Knox and his friends. Can they find a way to save his step-mom before the malevolent force draws closer to ending the game and obtaining the two things it desires the most -- mortal fear, and fresh souls? Unfortunately, history says otherwise.

MOVING FEAR (an 80,000 word YA Horror) is a standalone with series potential which combines the type of haunting plot of Kendare Blake's Anna Dressed in Blood with the creepy atmosphere of Gretchen McNeil's Possess. In my day job, I write procedure manuals, but when the sun goes down, I maintain a popular blog that hosts a yearly writing contest judged by industry professionals.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

DL Hammons

That's it!

Please thank DL for sharing, but like me, save your feedback for tomorrow!

Origins Blogfest

Welcome to the Origins Blogfest! This is the fest where we all share the beginnings of how we became a writer. The idea comes from DL Hammons, who along with Katie, and Alex, are my co-hosts for the blogfest. For the list of all participants, just click on that first link.

So let's get to it.

I shared a bit about how I fell in love with reading on Friday at Project Mayhem. I think it's a natural progression to go from falling in love with books and reading to falling in love with writing. That's certainly how it worked for me. So after falling in love with Tolkien, and collecting everything I could that had anything to do with Middle Earth, it was easy for me to get hooked on Dungeons & Dragons.

My best friend in grade school was Irish Catholic, so he had seven older brothers, and one younger. They all played D&D together, so whenever I went over to their house, it was wizards and warriors and epic adventures. I think that's what first made me fall in love with writing. Not only was it making things up, and using your imagination, but there was such language! Gary Gygax may not have ever been a novelist, but he sure knew how to describe a monster, and he made up some very cool spells.

From there I progressed to reading all the fantasy I could get my hands on. A lot of it was tie-ins like Dragonlance and Forgotten Realms, but I also enjoyed original stuff like Pern, and Shannara, and so on. I think I tried to write my first novel when I was about 12. In sixth grade. It was on Wordperfect, on a monochrome screen, and I only made it a few chapters in.

Then my reading matured, and I got into spy thrillers by the likes of Le Carre, Ludlum, and Forysth. I started writing short stories, and even won some kind of contest for a short story I wrote that I can't even remember. From there I got into poetry, and trying to write song lyrics. All through high school I loved to write, and wrote all kinds of different things.

Then things changed, and life got in the way, and I didn't write a thing for over a decade. It wasn't until a few years ago that I decided to write a novel, but that's probably a story for another time.

DL Hammons' Current Query Critiqued

All right. Here we are, Friday morning, and we're back to Don's query. This time, with my feedback, which will be in red.

Here goes:

Mr. or Ms. Agent
The Most Awesome Literary Agency Ever,

I think you need to focus your flattery more the particular agent, and less on the agency. Something like Dear Most Awesome Literary Agent Ever, who works at one of the coolest agencies, which is only slightly less cool than the agent herself ...

Just kidding. I do love this, though.

Now, I do want to say something about voice. Many of you will already know this, but for you beginners out there, when you compare this query to Alexia's, from earlier this week, you may think this one lacks voice. It's certainly not as colorful as hers, but the thing is, that's good. The voice of the query needs to match the tone, style, and voice of the novel. Don's written a contemporary thriller, so his query needs to reflect that, which I think it does.

Lee Hamilton is watch your tense. Queries are rarely written in present tense, but if you feel it's important to do so, make sure it's uniform throughout. I'll point out later where your tense switches up. a small town HR Manager whose pedestrian life is only buoyed by his long-standing friendship with five old college buddies, the Knights. That all changes when he receives a phone call informing him that Steven Ebe, one of the Knights, has been found beaten and left in a coma. I would separate your paragraph here. These first two sentences are basically what we call hook, and they're pretty good. We've got a sense of character, a bit of backstory, and an inciting incident. Make them stand out by giving them their own paragraph. The group’s old I think you can cut this old, and the one two sentences before. By telling us they're his college buddies, since we know he's well into his career, the old is implied. motto comes rushing back -- you mess with one Knight, you mess with them all! Ebe is a reformed I would change this to former, rather than reformed. Depending on what kind of hacking he did (which can be morally ambiguous), he may or may not have had to reform anything. hacker who recently went to work for a private detective agency in South Carolina. Dianne Williams, the manager of the detective cut agency, surprises Lee with additional info explaining how her entire workforce has been sickened by some form of poison. Is this poison what put Steve in the coma, or something else entirely? You want might want to clarify. Rallying around their fallen companion, the Knights join forces with Dianne and discover a series of numbers huh? found in Ebe’s possession tied to a large scale cybercrime. The mystery deepens when the numbers are also cut linked to a Columbine-style high school shooting in Virginia? Is this meant to be a question? I think this should be a normal sentence, ending in a period.

Hmm. Okay, I think this is off to a good start. We've got a nice mystery, some heightened stakes, and a pretty good sense of upcoming conflict. I worry a little about naming so many characters, especially given that you're sharing their first and last names, but I get the feeling that's typical for this kind of novel. As long as you keep it to these three characters, I think you're okay.

I'm curious about these numbers, though. It may not be critical, but I feel like I want to know more about what you mean. Is it some kind of decryption key? If Steven was a hacker, it's got to be something related to information security, right? I would like just another word or two describing exactly what kind of numbers they are.

Dianne and Lee decide to fly to Virginia where they encounter a city I would name the city, rather than the state. You tell us it's Virginia in the last paragraph, and then you mention a city here. Just tell us if it's Richmond, Norfolk, or D.C. still reeling from the emotional impact of the shooting and distrustful of outsiders who won’t allow them to forget. Following leads withheld from the police and FBI, they quickly learn everything is not as it’s been reported in the news. Normally I would say this is a little vague, but I think you're okay here. If you explain too much, you'll end up in synopsis territory, and the query only needs to entice. The mysterious numbers are connected to even more crimes, the school shooter was it might look like this is the first tense switch, but this is actually okay. not working alone, and he left behind a suicide note that simply read…I’m not finished yet! Did the note really use an exclamation point? You've got one in your first paragraph. I would cut them both if you can, but definitely at least one. Lee and Dianne had somehow stumbled across the wizard behind the curtain, and the Knights weren’t in Kansas anymore. Now the group had this is the first place I see where we are definitely no longer in present tense. This should say has. a choice to make, make this comma a colon. return home and pass up a chance to clear their friend’s name, or put their very lives in danger by going toe to toe with an unimaginable fiend. This makes me think of fantasy for some reason. Like a demon. I know that's not what you mean, but you might want to be a little more specific about your antagonist.

All in all this paragraph is also pretty good. It sets up a mystery and a sense of conflict well, without giving too much away. It's obvious that the stakes are life and death, and there is a clear but tough choice for the protagonists to make. Except for the minor mechanics things I've pointed out, this is pretty well done.

FALLEN KNIGHT is a mystery/thriller novel complete at 105,000 words. By day I am the writer of technical journals and instruction manuals, but when the sun goes down I'm an active member of the writing community. I am also a proud member of Mystery Writers of America and International Thriller Writers. Fallen Knight is poised to be part of a larger series and I feel a perfect companion to your agencies other offerings. I would be careful here. If you're going to compliment an agent's list, that's fine, but give specific examples, to prove you've done your homework. If not, don't mention it.

Thank you for your time and consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you. Some agents have a no response means no policy, so you may not hear from them at all. I think you're fine just paring this sentence down to the first clause.

DL Hammons
Dlh.hammons@gmail.com
http://dlcruisingaltitude.blogspot.com/

So, in summary: you've got a good query here. There's a very clear sense of plot, conflict, stakes, and a difficult choice. We don't know much about Dianne, but we've got a decent sense of Lee and Steven's character, and I think we're okay without knowing a whole lot more about her. My biggest concerns, other than minor writing mechanics things, are the vagueness of the "numbers," and no real sense of our antagonist. I get the feeling the real bad guy is not the same person who shot up the high school, but we don't really know what he's after, or who he is. That can be okay, but if you want to keep him a mystery, you might cut that line about the "unimaginable fiend."

That's it.

What do you guys think? Disagree with me? What would you like to see cut or added from or to this query?

DL Hammons' Current Query

Before we get to Don's query, I want to announce that along with him, Katie, and Alex, I'll be hosting the Origins blogfest on February 13th. I would put the sign up list at the bottom of this post, but I don't have the code, and you really should just go read Don's announcement post, because he does a great job explaining what it's all about. You can also sign up there, which I encourage you to do, because blogfests are the best way to meet other bloggers and build a following.

EDIT: I do have the code, I'm just a moron, and lost the email. But I found it now, so you are able to sign up below, if you like.

Okay, so let's get to Don's query letter, but first, you know the rules, you have to follow Don's blog, and then you can come back and read his query.

Back? Great, here goes:

Mr. or Ms. Agent
The Most Awesome Literary Agency Ever,

Lee Hamilton is a small town HR Manager whose pedestrian life is only buoyed by his long-standing friendship with five old college buddies, the Knights. That all changes when he receives a phone call informing him that Steven Ebe, one of the Knights, has been found beaten and left in a coma. The group’s old motto comes rushing back -- you mess with one Knight, you mess with them all! Ebe is a reformed hacker who recently went to work for a private detective agency in South Carolina. Dianne Williams, the manager of the detective agency, surprises Lee with additional info explaining how her entire workforce has been sickened by some form of poison. Rallying around their fallen companion, the Knights join forces with Dianne and discover a series of numbers found in Ebe’s possession tied to a large scale cybercrime. The mystery deepens when the numbers are also linked to a Columbine-style high school shooting in Virginia?

Dianne and Lee decide to fly to Virginia where they encounter a city still reeling from the emotional impact of the shooting and distrustful of outsiders who won’t allow them to forget. Following leads withheld from the police and FBI, they quickly learn everything is not as it’s been reported in the news. The mysterious numbers are connected to even more crimes, the school shooter was not working alone, and he left behind a suicide note that simply read…I’m not finished yet! Lee and Dianne had somehow stumbled across the wizard behind the curtain, and the Knights weren’t in Kansas anymore. Now the group had a choice to make, return home and pass up a chance to clear their friend’s name, or put their very lives in danger by going toe to toe with an unimaginable fiend.

FALLEN KNIGHT is a mystery/thriller novel complete at 105,000 words. By day I am the writer of technical journals and instruction manuals, but when the sun goes down I'm an active member of the writing community. I am also a proud member of Mystery Writers of America and International Thriller Writers. Fallen Knight is poised to be part of a larger series and I feel a perfect companion to your agencies other offerings.

Thank you for your time and consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you.

DL Hammons
Dlh.hammons@gmail.com
http://dlcruisingaltitude.blogspot.com/

That's it!

Remember, today is just for introductions (although if you don't know DL, you probably haven't been blogging long), so please save your feedback for tomorrow, when I'll be sharing my thoughts. For now just say hi, and thank him for having the courage to share this with us.