Covering Critique Methods at Project Mayhem Part II

The final post in my series about critique and Microsoft Word is up over at Project Middle Grade Mayhem today. Please stop by and check it out!

Celebrating SURVIVING BEAR ISLAND, by Paul Greci

I just love the illustrated oil painting look of this cover! Paul Greci is one of my co-authors at Project Mayhem, and he is celebrating the cover of his debut novel over at his blog. Please stop by and congratulate him!

Tracey Neithercott's Current Query Critiqued

I'm going to try to slide this in before the phone starts ringing here at the office. Today we have Tracey's query again, this time with my feedback, in blue.

Here's the letter.

Dear Agent TK,

[TK personalized introduction]

Seventeen-year-old Syna Karras knows there’s no such thing as murder. Let me stop you right there. This line is a nice hook, and it definitely makes me want to read on, but I don't think you should get to it so fast. For one thing, this query is short, so you've got room, but for another, don't jump right into plot and world based elements until you've got us caring about your character. There is nothing more important in STORY, or a query for that matter, than CHARACTER. Think about it - what's the most successful movie in the theater right now? The Fault in Our Stars, right? You know why people love that book? The CHARACTERS. Not much happens in the plot, right? But we would have followed Augustus and Hazel Grace anywhere, wouldn't we? That's because we care about them. We are sympathetic to their plight. Make sure you do the same with your query (as much as room allows). It doesn't take much. Just a few choice words about what kind of person Syna is before her story begins. It’s 2055, and thanks to the software embedded in everybody’s minds, criminals are arrested before they commit a crime. Which is why Syna should believe her father died of natural causes.

But she doesn’t.

Other than my nitpick about your CHARACTER, this is a pretty decent opening. I'm curious to know more about how this software works, but that's probably too complicated to explain in a query, and curiosity is a good thing when it comes to wanting to read on. 

As for your hook, it's pretty solid. We know there's some Minority Report style pre-crime enforcement going on, which has been done, but not in YA, to my knowledge, so that's kind of a good twist, and more importantly, you've set it up so that world building element directly effects the conflict, which sounds like a nice little mystery.

Not when the autopsy reveals his healthy heart abruptly stopped beating. Not when her father raised her on stories of serial killers of the past, slipping gruesome details into dinnertime conversation. And not when he left behind top-secret government files with blacked-out phrases and a warning of danger.

Richard made a point yesterday that these are sentence fragments. He is technically correct, of course, but I don't have a problem with it. Sometimes, for style and voice, ignoring grammar rules can be effective. Here, the syntax conveys a sense of urgency, and frustration, and fear. As least that's how it reads to me.

On a more story level scale, this certainly heightens the tension, raises the stakes, and provides for excellent conflict potential.

When a family friend dies in the same mysterious way as her father, Syna’s convinced murder is as real as the slice of a knife across soft flesh. This sounds a little off. Of all the things that would sit solidly in the realm of "this is definitely real," why would Syna think of a knife slicing across soft flesh? Without some context to clue us in to why her mind would go there, it sounds a little out of place. She’ll do whatever’s necessary to take down the man Does she know it's a man? Minor detail, but still. who stole the most important person from her life—even team up with her arrogant ex-best friend Linden Pearce to gain access to files his father, the Secretary of Defense, might have hidden. They have to work fast, because more people are dying, people who have a connection to her dad. What connection? This is vague, and the last thing you want in a query is vague language mucking up the impact. Just tell us what her father did when he was alive, and it will make much more sense. And with the killer aware of her investigation, Syna could be next. so Syna must decide whether to give up and save herself, or risk her life to uncover her father's murderer.

See how that packs a little more punch at the end? Obviously not the most sadistic choice ever, since we know she's not going to give up, but phrasing the end of a query with a choice always gives the reader more incentive to be interested in the pages than ending on something that wraps it up more neatly.

Complete at 79,000 words, ABERRATION is science fiction without the dystopia, I don't think this is necessary, but I get the feeling you chose this phrasing for a specific reason. Besides, pre-crime sounds pretty dystopian to me. set in a Minority Report–like world. It will appeal to fans of sci-fi mysteries such as Across the Universe Across the Universe by Beth Revis, All Our Yesterdays All Our Yesterdays by Cristin Terrill, and The Adoration of Jenna Fox The Adoration of Jenna Fox by Mary E. Pearson. Titles of published works go in italics in query letters. I also think two comparison titles is enough, and if I was going to drop one, it would probably be the third title, since I haven't heard of it. I’m a journalist with ten years of writing under my belt. My work has appeared in magazines such as Prevention, AARP, Capitol File, Philadelphia Style, and Diabetes Forecast. Again, published works, italics.

Okay, so in summary: I think this query is in decent shape. The plot, conflict, and story elements are all there, and are all strong. Be more specific about who her dad was, and why he knew what he knew (and probably therefore why he got murdered), and then tighten up your final line so that your reader has no choice but to want to see the pages, and then your story elements will be just about perfect.

Which leaves us with your opening, and its lack of character. Don't worry too much, I read a lot of queries, and the most common thing they seem to lack is introducing a character in such a way that we immediately care about and sympathize with them. CHARACTER is the most important of the three Cs (CHARACTER, CONFLICT, and CHOICE), and if you don't have a character we want to root for, everything that comes after carries less weight, no matter how cool it is. 

Introduce us to an interesting, unique person we can care about and sympathize with right away. It doesn't matter if she's kind and humble, or brash and clever, as long as she's interesting, she will shine, which I'm sure she does in the manuscript, so make sure she does in the query too.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

That's it!

What do you all think? Anything I missed? Anything you disagree with?

Tracey Neithercott's Current Query

Tracey is awesome. She's one of my co-authors at YA Confidential, and she's great with graphics like at The Kindness Project.

Here is her query:

Dear Agent TK,

[TK personalized introduction]

Seventeen-year-old Syna Karras knows there’s no such thing as murder. It’s 2055, and thanks to the software embedded in everybody’s minds, criminals are arrested before they commit a crime. Which is why Syna should believe her father died of natural causes.

But she doesn’t.

Not when the autopsy reveals his healthy heart abruptly stopped beating. Not when her father raised her on stories of serial killers of the past, slipping gruesome details into dinnertime conversation. And not when he left behind top-secret government files with blacked-out phrases and a warning of danger.

When a family friend dies in the same mysterious way as her father, Syna’s convinced murder is as real as the slice of a knife across soft flesh. She’ll do whatever’s necessary to take down the man who stole the most important person from her life—even team up with arrogant ex-best friend Linden Pearce to gain access to files his father, the Secretary of Defense, might have hidden. They have to work fast, because more people are dying, people who have a connection to her dad. And with the killer aware of her investigation, Syna could be next.

Complete at 79,000 words, ABERRATION is science fiction without the dystopia, set in a Minority Report–like world. It will appeal to fans of sci-fi mysteries such as Across the Universe by Beth Revis, All Our Yesterdays by Cristin Terrill, and The Adoration of Jenna Fox by Mary E. Pearson. I’m a journalist with ten years of writing under my belt. My work has appeared in magazines such as Prevention, AARP, Capitol File, Philadelphia Style, and Diabetes Forecast.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

That's it!

Please thank Tracey in the comments, and save your feedback for tomorrow.

G.I.R.L. at YA Confidential

I'm over at YA Confidential today, doing a tandem interview/review with my friend Sara Ahiers of Steve Brezenoff's new book: GUY IN REAL LIFE. Stop by and check it out!

Cover Reveal: The Five Stages of Andrew Brawley, by Shaun David Hutchinson

I consider myself very lucky to have Shaun not only as a friend, but as a critique partner. He had his debut novel, THE DEATHDAY LETTER, published just as I started blogging, but he was never anything but kind and humble, always offering not only brilliant feedback on my own work, but truly inspiring support and encouragement as well. He has become one of the greatest mentors in my own writing that a guy could ever ask for.

But today isn't about me.

It's about Shaun, and the cover his amazing new novel: THE FIVE STAGES OF ANDREW BRAWLEY, which is a beautiful, heart-rendingly sad, but ultimately important book.

Without further ado, here is the gorgeous cover:

Can we talk for a minute about how much I love this cover? Okay? Okay.

I suppose you'll have to read the book before you understand why I love this model so much, but even before that, I can tell you this: when I first saw this cover and the model, I wasn't sure. I'd pictured Andrew as a little older, and a little ... more ... jaded? I don't know. That's not the right word. But since looking this model in the eye for a while, I've decided that he has the perfect balance of innocence and determination in his eyes.

Andrew Brawley is one of my favorite YA characters EVER, and I'm pleased to say that I think this cover model captures him perfectly.

Before I go into what else I like about this cover, let me show you the jacket copy (which I think may be revealed here first, because Goodreads doesn't seem to have it yet):

Andrew Brawley was supposed to die that night, along with the rest of his family.

Now he lives in the hospital, serving food in the cafeteria, hanging out with the nurses, and sleeping in a forgotten supply closet. Drew blends in to near invisibility, hiding from his past, his guilt, and those who are trying to find him. His only solace is in the superhero he’s created, Patient F, and the drawing he does when no one is watching.

One night, when Rusty is wheeled into the ER burned on half his body by hateful classmates, his agony calls out to Drew like a beacon, pulling them both together through all their pain and grief. In Rusty, Drew sees hope, happiness, and a future for both of them. A future outside the hospital, and away from their pasts.

Drew knows that life is never that simple. Death roams the hospital, searching for Drew, and now Rusty. Drew lost his family, but he refuses to lose Rusty too. He’s determined to make things right, and to bargain, in whatever way he can, for Rusty’s survival.

But Death is not easily placated, and Drew’s life will have to get worse before there is any chance for things to get better. He’ll have to confront what really happened the night his family died, and tell the truth about who he really is—even if that truth may destroy any chance of a future.

I mean, have you ever heard anything more awesome?

Anyway, other than the model, which is obviously the main feature, I really love not only the font itself, but the way it kind of halos Andrew's face, and especially, I just love, love, love the way "A Novel" peeks over his shoulder like a thought bubble.

This novel is ... I don't want to say "partly a graphic novel," because that's not exactly accurate, and I don't know how the publisher is handling that part, but I'm hoping maybe Shaun will stop by this morning, if he's allowed to tell us anything more.

Book Birthday for PUSH GIRL

Head over to YA Confidential to read about this new release from my friend and blog co-author Jessica Love and her novel co-author Chelsie Hill.