October 17th, 2011 - walked 26 miles and trotted the final .2 across the finish line at the Nike Women's Marathon. It was an awesome experience and the 5th in my Team In Training roster. The slogan from this year's race was "I Run to Be." It's confused me ever since I heard it and now that I have necklace, that I wear often, that states this, I've spent every so often thinking about it. I think I am still confused since I don't know what I be these days.
There are so many things that I do all the time that I hope will help me be whatever it is I am supposed to be. Unfortunately, that is a bit of a mystery to me right now.
My work is more and more less and less satisfying. I am often tired and irritated with the eternal politics and red tape that is a part of every job. But, that hasn't stopped me from working many hours, late into the night and on weekends to strive to stay ahead and meet the expectations of those who are counting on me. So, I work to be...what?
My love life is no less satisfying. I continue to strive to stay positive as much as possible. I've spent a few months getting to know a few different guys who have been nice but not what I'm looking for. In the end, there is a voice in the back of my mind and in my heart that tells me I've found what I'm looking for but I am unwilling to take the risk and tell him how I really feel. The pain of unrequited concern is worse that any mediocre dating relationship. Unfortunately, it is hard for me to be happy with mediocre. I date to be...what?
Over the past ten months, since my last post, two friends from my past died unexpectedly within three weeks of each other. A former friend from my teenage youth group at church, died while trying to save his children at the beach. They survived, he did not. He was 37 and his widow, single mom of 4 and one on the way, is 35. Then, a friend from Durham, died at 35 after some routine surgery, of a blood clot. She would have been 36 today. Their deaths and funerals were unreal and difficult to digest. Seeing my friends and family mourn was also unreal and difficult to digest. I have cried many unexplained tears at their loss. I had lost touch with them and while I counted both as friends, hadn't spoken with either of them in years. Again, like in the past, regret is my constant companion now as I continue to think about their lives and the reasons why and how our lives drifted apart. I cry to be...what?
Ten months ago, I wrote the night before my knee surgery, that I had loved ones battling cancer and other illness. The same is as true today as it was then. Those same people are in the same struggle today as they were then, even more so. Whether in their lives of struggle to get well or the lives of those who have succumbed to illness, I am reminded that our earthly finish lines aren't always expected, understood, embraced or welcomed. Everyday, I wish I had a magic wand that could heal them and help them overcome their diseases so their lives can be full and long. But, no such wand is at my disposal and their suffering, no matter how unfair, schools them and well as me, about courage and stamina and hope. I hope to be...what?
I read my past posts and I know in my heart what I'm missing and where my optimism has gone. Over the past few years, I've had a hard time understanding where my faith plays into everything. I've been angry at the proliferation of sadness and sickness and the lack of miracles in the lives of those that I love and in my own life. I've let that anger put a wall between me and Heavenly Father. I just don't understand. Recently, I've tried praying again and feel a bit better but I know that wall is really big and I've got a lot of work to do to take in down. I pray to be...what?
I run to be, I walk to be, I talk to be, I hope to be, I cry to be, I laugh to be, I long to be, I fight to be, I strive to be, I like to be, I scream to be, I drive to be, I work to be, I sing to be, I hug to be, I sleep to be, I listen to be, I pray to be...
