Amazingly, No Food Was Taken In the Robbery

That would be the robbery of a Papa John's Pizza in Cherryville, NC.

I made the crack about the food because of the surveillance footage taken of the two robbers:

"If Anyone Tries To Stop Us...SQUASH THEM!"

Not to put too fine a point on it, being a fat man myself, but that boy needs to buy a set of bib overalls, change his name to Haystacks*, and get a job in the WWE.

True Love IS the Greatest Thing In the World...

...except for a nice RLT - - Rat, Lettuce and Tomato sandwich, when the rat is nice and lean, and the tomatoes are SO ripe, they're so perky, I love that...

A woman in UK eats a sandwich with rodent in it, and is only offered £10 in compensation.

Of course, you know where I found inspiration in this story:



One of the truly great films, yet it only did so-so at the box office.

You Could Always Feed Him a Poodle Pie, I Suppose

A man on death row in Ohio claims he is too fat to execute at 480 pounds.

The article tends to support him (oof!), noting difficulties in other executions of obese individuals, both by lethal injection and by hanging. Not that hanging was presented as offering any difficulties, but it was successfully argued as violating the Eighth Amendment protection against "cruel and unusual punishments."

And, of course, as soon as I read the headline I though: Poodle Pie!



From the Vincent Price camp classic Theater of Blood (1973).

Doing the Dozens*

Yo mama so fat she exploded in a crematorium.

A morbidly obese woman’s corpse caused a crematorium in Austria to burst into flames, The Daily Mail reports.

Due to the woman’s substantial mass of body fat, the oven overheated, sparking a fire in the filter reaching upward of 570 degrees Fahrenheit. The fire grew and was soon out of control.

As thick black smoke poured out of the building, firemen arrived to combat the flames. They succeeded in preventing the fire from spreading.

Click the link to read the rest.


*The Dozens.

First They Came For the Fat People...

...and I thought oh shit and started loading the Mosin, until I realized they were only coming for the fat pregnant women.

But I better buy some more 7.62 x 54R just in case...

h/t The Drudge Report

Fatty Fatty Two By Four...

...Gets called unpleasant things at the doctor's door.

The Age of Bluntness begins in UK.

Ve Haff Vays Of Making You Diet, Ja?

The Germans want to tax people for being fat.

2010 Bodies, 1958 Airline Seat Widths

Story.

And it's not something we can really blame on someone else, either; our fat bodies are the result of our own lifestyle choices, and the refusal of airlines to change the seat widths is a result of our own demand that low ticket prices be the single most important factor in air travel, not comfort.

Peine Forte et Dure

In UK, a 336-pound woman won an argument with her boyfriend by sitting on him and squashing him to death.

Since she had no criminal record, she was let off with 3 years' probation.

Ain't that civilized?

The Ultimate Fat Indignity

Too Fat To Fit In A Crematorium.

Maybe you could save on fuel charges for the cremation, since the fat in your body will serve as its own fuel?

Cautionary Tale

"My Brother Is Eating Himself To Death."

I have an older brother about whom I write with some reluctance, because I feel protective of him. He's topping 330lb: 24 stone. He was once 5ft 7in tall, but his vertebrae have compressed, and at 5ft 3in I now look him straight in the eye. I used to look up to him in every sense. I ended our last two visits in tears. My brother breaks my heart. He's obscenely smart, testing in adolescence (to the irritation of his siblings) as having a genius-level IQ. He's a well-read, intellectually adventurous man who can talk your ear off about why a meniscus is either concave or convex. But he's also a sadly good test case for the claim that one can be "healthy at every size".

My brother has diabetes, and has an average blood-sugar level — normal being about 5g – of 11.5g. His feet swell so that they don't fit in his boots. A bout of congestive heart failure nearly killed him. He can barely walk, and venturing out of his studio apartment is an ordeal. Obesity exacerbates his emphysema, and he drags a portable oxygen tank with him like a faithful dog. Not long ago, the tank's battery died at a bus stop. My brother went into respiratory arrest, and only a Good Samaritan who rushed off the bus got him to hospital in time to save his life. Every time I talk to my brother, I wonder if it's for the last time. Planning to see him during an author's tour in March, I'm counting the days, actively anxious that he won't still be with us three months from now.

My brother is also a good example of the kind of mitigating circumstances that sometimes attend being grossly overweight. Having been beaten up with a metal baseball bat in 1998 and broadsided by a careless driver while on his moped two years later, he boasts that his body clinks with "24 pieces of titanium" that set off alarms at airport security. The resultant chronic pain has made it impossible for him to exercise. The fact that my brother is fat is not, altogether, his fault.

However. He also eats too much.

A once amply proportioned friend of mine was at last moved to go on a successful all-liquid diet when his doctor said starkly, "I don't have any old, fat patients." My brother is only 55, and without drastic intervention – gastric bypass surgery or a sudden resolve on his part that I fear is unlikely – I doubt he'll see 60. My brother is eating himself to death. I love him dearly, and I can't support any political movement that would have him believe he can be "healthy at any size".

An hour or so after this column was filed, Shriver's brother suffered a sudden respiratory crisis during a visit to their parents, and was admitted to hospital in New York. He died of cardiac arrest on 22 November.


*sigh* Sounds like he's describing me. I'm 48 as of last Thursday, and I don't want to die that early, myself. I'm tired of being a heffalump.

...She Said, As She Took Another Bite of her Moon Pie...

A Sacramento, California, gas station identified a patron as black lady big fat on a receipt given to her.

Helen Hodges, 31, said a gas pump mix-up led to her being shorted $10 Thursday night at the Sacramento gas station. She found when she returned to the business that a $10 bill was waiting for her with an attached receipt bearing the offensive identifier, KXTV, Sacramento, reported Monday.

"It says 'black lady,' and I can understand that because I am a black lady," Hodges said. "But I don't get 'big fat.' I don't get that part."

Yeah, right.

Fatty Fatty 2 X 4, Can't Get In The Ambulance Door

The solution? Supersized ambulances!

American Medical Response (AMR) in Independence is the only area ambulance provider — and one of a relatively small number nationwide — to have a bariatric ambulance.

The vehicle features a reinforced floor and shocks, a ramp and a motorized winch to pull a loaded gurney into the back. While AMR’s standard cots hold 450 pounds, the bariatric cot can support 850 pounds in the extended position or 1,600 pounds when lowered.

You need such equipment when tranporting Mr. Creosote, for example:

First They Came For The Fat People...

...and I began to worry, being rather tubby myself.

Fat people are harming the planet by contributing to climate change, according to Sir Jonathan Porritt, the Government's chief green adviser.

Excuse me while I go load up the rifles...

He Can Run, But He Can't Hide

Actually, since he weights 555 pounds, he probably can't run, either.

I can just hear the cops now:

Dispatcher: All units are advised to be on the lookout for a mother and son who have fled in violation of a custody order. Boy weighs 555 pounds.

Cop 1: Does he answer to "Shamu?"

Cop 2: Does his shirt say "Goodyear?"

Cop 3: Let's stake out all the McDonald's in town, we're sure to get him.

Cop 4: Do they even build cars that will hold the little fella?

etc.