Follower Offers Me Jimmy Nelson Ventriloquism As Gift. Danny O'Day Album. Jimmy Nelson.

The expression, "The greatest gift of all" is soooooo overused. What is the true greatest gift of all? Look right above at the picture my friends and you'll see. Jimmy Nelson's Instant Ventriloquism." On Vinyl!

And here's the great thing: I reader of my blog offered to send it to me. I got an email this morning saying

Dear Mr. Yak,

I found this record and gave it to my husband, &*% Nelson, as a joke for Christmas. Unlike you, he has no interest in it other than his name.  I would love to pass it on to you if are interested.  Let me know where to leave or send it, whatever.  I work at %$^*(  and live in %#(_*&.
 
^&*#^  Nelson
 
Long time listener, first time caller...

I thanked her but turned it down because I'm downsizing my life and getting rid of all non essentials.

But how great is that of the reader? And I did ask her in my email response to tell me how she found my blog. In my fantasy I have all of these readers that read all of my posts but never comment. But they feel like they know me. Scouring yard sales for items like this that they will someday present to me as a thank you for changing their lives.

And I picture some of the people at work saying, "You have to read this blog THAT BLUE YAK! It's great!" Then some of the uptight coworkers gather around for a gander. One says, "I don't get it."

But YOU get it.F those friggin' uptight bastard coworkers! They probably think The Big Bang Theory is funny!

Now let me make one thing clear. Just because I turned this item down doesn't mean I will turn other gift offers down. Are we clear with that? OK.

To read a post about my own Danny O'Day CLICK HERE.

Post About Annoying Blog Commenters.

I know it's best to ignore an annoying commenter but I'd like to give a shout out to three:

Anonymous - The current Anonymous likes to point out spelling or grammatical errors in my posts. Honestly, someone like this is more like a bug to me. It doesn't bother me at all. I write these posts like emails and sometimes grammatical errors slip in. And spelling errors. But my spelling errors are usually typos.

And if you're going to leave an anonymous comment at least leave a name - even if a fake one - at the end of the comment dummy. Because when you don't you just blend in with all of the other anonymous commenters.

Michelle - This is the woman that leaves comments on this blog (and blogs I follow) along the lines of...

Cheney is fect. Fect is Bush
Forget Yak with Cheney. Texas is LEFT

And on and on. Basic nonsense. And she also threatened me. But she doesn't leave comments on here anymore because I not only found out who she is but I found out where she lives, where she used to work, the names of people she used to work with and her email address. So she knows what will happen next time she leave her nonsense on here.

Boycott American Women - This puss is the worst. He leaves paragraphs about how American women should be boycotted then has a link to his blog. There is no way this guy ever gets laid. And the blog is so fake. He writes posts that are supposed to be from men around the country but there are a few problems:

1) The posts are written by him! It's so obvious because it always starts off, "Bill from Texas" or "Mike from Florida." Never a city. And they're all written in the same way. By him.

2) Also, how does he get these "testimonials?" There's no way to contact the coward. Oh yeah, and you can't leave a comment on his dumb ass blog because the puss doesn't allow comments.

What a joke.

Huh? Crazy Thing A Little Black Kid Asked Me Once. Downingtown.

Here's a crazy thing that I was once asked that I still can't figure out.

I guess I was about 23 and at my older sister's for Easter. They had our family over, then after we ate some of the neighbors from the complex came in for drinks.

So I'm standing on their small patio with a few people just sipping my drink and chatting.

Then one of the neighbor's kids - a little black boy about 5 - made his way toward me, stood there for a minute, looked up at me and asked, "Are you a boy or a girl?"

I just stood there like, "WTF?"

"Uh...I'm a boy."

He just said, "Oh OK." Then turned and walked inside.

Everyone just cracked up. I have no idea why he thought this. I was wearing a suit for God's sake. I don't have a high voice. No idea other than my younger sister and I kind of look the same and maybe he saw her inside and got confused. Or maybe he thinks all crackers look the same.

Or maybe he was just a dumb kid. I don't know.

Editor's Note: I was asked the identical question when I was 5. But back then I had huge curls. Oh yeah. And I kind of looked like a girl.

Really Stupid Kid Asks Question About Pubic Lice

So when I saw my friend "The Child" over Christmas I made him tell me one of my favorite stories about being a middle school teacher. And it goes something like this:

The Child: Some of my students are so fucking stupid you wouldn't even believe it. So we have someone from the board of health in and she's talking about pubic crabs. And she has a picture of it on the overhead projector.

Me: Uh huh ...

The Child: ..and remember now, the screen is about five feet by five feet. So the lady is talking about the how you get crabs and all and my dumbest student raises her hand...ooooh....oooooh!

Me: Uh huh...

The Child:...And do you know what her question is?

Me: What?

The Child: IS THAT ACTUAL SIZE?

I swear I love that story more every time I hear it. The visual of someone having crabs - a crab - the size of a Saint Bernard is the funniest thing in the world to me. Is there a way to hide that you have a crab? Do you have to wear super large pants to hide it or is it easier to just cover it with a huge garbage bag or bed sheet?

(Hitting imaginary kid on the side of the head) Stupid!

I'm A Very Gifted Ventriloquist - A Natural If You Will

So yesterday at my sister's house for Christmas I was inspecting the gifts that my nephews received and to my delight, and to the delight of everyone there, do you know what I found? Did you guess a Danny O'Day Ventriloquist dummy? If you did, you're right. The same one I told you about a few post ago. Remember I told you I got one in 5th grade?

Now I don't want to brag, but I'm kind of a natural. I'm not too good at keeping my lips from moving but I'm pretty skilled at insulting people and coming up with rude things to say on the fly. So much so that people were getting mad at me and running away.

I'm much better than this guy Jeff Dunham: