Lucy The Elephant Survives Hurricane Sandy. I'm In The Butt of And Elephant!

How did you guys survive Sandy? OK over here in Chester County, PA. Actually only a few limbs around and some creek flooding as far as I saw in my parts. But the Jersey shore got hammered. I just however saw something on the news saying that Lucy the Elephant survived. There's the picture above.

In case you don't know Lucy is a historic building shaped like an elephant and it resides in Margate, NJ. I just had to laugh when they mentioned Lucy because I just think of the time when I was on vacation at the shore and I took my son there. He was about three at the time. Well you go inside of Lucy and you sit crossed legged on the floor as this ancient tour guide gives a half hour presentation about the history of Lucy. And trust me when I tell you it was without doubt the most boring tour that I've ever been on.

In a monotone voice he was saying things like, "....and then when renovations began in 1922 several members of the preservation board such as Martin T McLeary, Samuel Meller and Morris Jones pushed to have an extra $1200 allocated to refurbish the legs that some thought were weakened in a storm the previous year. Council President Harry L. Morrison - also the owner of Morrison and Flint Feed Store - was in agreement but thought $900 would suffice. So the renovation was stalled for a period of 4 months...."

And it went on and on. I looked around and everyone was just looking around the room, rubbing their hands on the floor, looking up at the roof, at their watches. Ten minutes later when you thought it was done he says, "And they finally agreed on  $1000 for the renovation. But that wasn't the end of it. In 1927...."

Just then my son let out the biggest sigh of boredom that echoed in the tiny wooden room, "hhhh ahhhhhhhh!!!"

Everyone turned around and looked at him and started laughing. They were all fighting off the same sigh. Seriously, if you're going to have a tour about something like Lucy the Elephant at least mention his sphincter window:.....

"Look at meeeeeeee! I'm in the butt of a giant elephant!"

"Timmy sit down! They're about to discuss the bidding process that was involved when they redid the steps in 1976!"

Can't Believe I Haven't Run Into My Skanky Old Hair Dresser.

It's been two years. And I still haven't run into the lady that used to cut my hair. I'm not sure why I waited so long to dump her ass. Not only did she tell the most boring stories about herself but she was super skanky. I'm talking manly face, dry hair, large moles....But she thought she was hot. She would always tell me how guys liked her. I'd be all, "Really?" While trying not to have a throw up face on.

I think a lot of women that are thin and skanky think they're hot just because they're thin. Kind of like some women with blond hair think they're hot because of the blond hair. 

And I'm not kidding her stories were the most boring I've ever heard. She would give details that didn't even matter for the story. I swear this is a real "story." See how much of it you can take....

"So I was going to go to the 76ers game but wasn't sure if Dave my husband could go or not. He usually does go but he was thinking about working late so I was like, 'Maybe I'll just ask my friend Diane.' So I called up Diane. She's really nice. She used to work with me when I was at my last job. She was like, 'I'm not sure but I think I can.' So she calls back and says she can and I was like, 'Great.' And it worked out perfectly because my son was going to stay late for basketball practice so my husband could just pick him up. So I'm getting ready and I'm really in the mood for a turkey wrap. So I'm thinking why don't we just get some wraps on the way down and that way we don't have to stop because I like to get there a little early. So I pick up Diane and I was running a bit late because I had to stop at Wawa. And there was traffic. So I get Diane and we're on the way down and my son called and his basketball practice was cancelled. Which is fine but sometimes it's hard to get a hold of my husband because he gets the worst cell phone reception."

And it goes on. And on. And on.

And there's no interesting point. It would just be the details of her plans to go to the basketball game and then driving there. And I was just sit and nod. Sometimes to amuse myself I would say things in my head silently that I wanted to say out loud like, "Guess what? I don't give a shit!" or "Wait. Tell me the part about maybe getting turkey wraps. That's so interesting! I have a friend that likes turkey wraps!

So finally I dumped her and never looked back. Now I have a super cute chick cutting my locks. AND she's really interesting.

I still don't get how people that are really boring can be blabbermouths too Don't they see the expression on the faces of everyone they talk to? So I'm saying this: If you're boring keep your pie hole shut and listen to us interesting types. Take notes.

PA Driver's License Center In Malvern You Suck. Fraser DMV.

Look at that crew. Do you know where that is? Hell? Nope. It's the PA DMV. Or as it's called in Pennsylvania, "The Driver's License Center."

I went in Tuesday at 10:30 to get my picture for my license and guess how many people were ahead of me waiting? Go ahead and take a guess....

Did you guess 60? *Ding Ding Ding* Correct! I was there for an hour and 55 minutes. Pure torture. No music playing. No magazines to read. No pictures on the wall to look at. It feels like you're sitting a waiting room in Russia circa 1977.

There were only two good parts. There was a lady next to me and we struck up a conversation then we spent the time making fun of people. Mostly the reaction when new people would walk in and the expression they would have when they realized they had 60 people in front of them. Ha! She was pretty snarky. If I was a few years older and on the market I probably would have asked the old bird to lunch.

The other interesting part was when a 70 year old lady came in and proceeded to rant and rave for ten minutes because of the wait. Turning to to anyone that would listen and in her gravely voice, "I drove 40 minutes? For THIS? I have a doctor's appointment to make! How am I going to make it there?" She was making a spectacle of herself. Everyone was looking at her like, "What the?"...

So PA Driver's License Center in Malvern ....YOU CAN SUCK..... MY........ *Ship horn drowns out last word*

Shut Up About Your Cruise! I Don't Care! Boring People.

There’s nothing I can’t stand more than a bore ass. People just yappin’ about stuff that isn’t remotely interesting or funny. And giving every mundane detail. Going on and on.

Like this chick I used to work with would go on a cruise every year and when she came back she would tell me every boring detail. She’d start off like, “OK, so we get there Monday. And usually we like to check in and get right to the bar, but it was really crowded so we decided, ‘What he hell’, lets sneak in a drink across the street…”

But saying it in a way like “Aren’t we crazy?” And trust me. Nothing interesting happened across the street but the margarita’s were sooooooo good.

Then she would proceed to go day by day and tell me every boring detail. I’d sit there nodding (because I’m a nice guy – plus I was trapped in her office). Sometimes when you thought your sentence was almost over she’d remember something “important” in the story and have to go back, “So we wake up on Thursday and then and I wanted to get to that buffet so….Oh wait! I forgot to tell you about the illusionist we saw Wednesday night*!!!”

I was always happy when she was done and even happier when I’d see her corning someone else in the hall or in the coffee room. And you’d see the same glazed over look in their eyes as she excitedly told them the exact story. Word for word, “We met this couple named Peggy and Mike. They were sooooo funny. We’re going to keep in touch. Mike was a RIOT!” I'd give the person a look behind her back like, "Hmmm you don't say.."

So basically what I’m trying to say is: if you’re boring, please shut the fuck up.

(And look at that fat fuck in the blue at the buffet table. Jesus Christ Tubby. Leave some food for the rest of us!)

*can he make me disappear

Women That Have Sex Appeal & Women That Don't. Cheryl Hines & More.

Here are some women that people think are beautiful but they do absolutely nothing for me. They have no sex appeal.

Christie Brinkley
Julie Roberts
Jennifer Garner
Courtney Cox

Then there are women that necessarily wouldn't be considered drop dead gorgeous but I think are really sexy. And do you know what it is too? Their personalities. The women above are complete bores and the women below have sparkling personalities. I guess that's it. And they are:

Cheryl Hines (Larry David's wife on Curb Your Enthusiasm)

Hilary Swank


Amanda Bynes

I'm sure I'll think of more so make sure to check the comments section every half hour or so.

So who's on your list?

Random Thoughts About Being in Church Today For A Communion.

Today I was in church for my nephew's Communion. Here are some random thoughts:

- I was able to sit in the very back pew. Sweet.

- The sermon was about how sheep can be "really stupid animals and they'll always be stupid unless they have a shepherd. And a priest is a shepherd". Are you kidding me? I swear he said this.

- Some 14 year old girl was about to puke and her mom had to run her out of the church. She was waving to people to get out of the way.

- There was this hot lady that I met before at a business function and I was checking her out during the mass. She looked kind of sad though. Like Sarah Connor from the Terminator.

- When it was time to kneel I was trying to put the pew down and my brother whispered. "You've got to be kidding me?" I couldn't stop laughing the rest of the mass. And then I was thinking how I wanted to pass him a note saying how much Jesus hated him (courtesy of Pru) and it just got me laughing more.

- When the collection plate came around I was thinking, "there's no way I'm putting a dime in". The five year old in front of me was given a $20 bill to put in. Is that the going rate?

Gotta go. The Simpsons are on in five minutes.

Catholic Church Confirmation And Random Thoughts From Chester County.

So I was in church last night in Chester County for my daughter's confirmation here in Chester County. I was a bit late and it was so packed that I had to stand at the back of the church. Note that I never go to church anymore but went every week of my life when I was forced to.

- When I arrived the video guy turned the camera toward me. It could have been my natural charisma and the light that was beaming on me as I stood framed in the doorway or that he thought Jesus finally returned. Or maybe he was focused on the holy water that was boiling next to me.

- I forgot how many MILFs go to church. And many straight from work and in their business suits. One of my favorite looks.

- Some lady was standing right behind me and singing way, way too loud. Totally trying to get attention. So to get back at her, I kept shifting my body so she couldn't see.

- The composer that turns prayers into songs should be fired. After a good old fashioned stoning.

- I was in a punch drunk mood and was trying not to laugh at several things including a 12 year old kid that walked down the aisle wearing his Dad's over sized shirt that was untucked and down to his knees. And at a little kid that was brought outside and he was making farting noises.

- One of the kids, as a confirmation sponsor had a nun. Show off.

- After the ceremony people flocked around the bishop. One lady went up and kissed him on the cheek. Are you kidding me?

- I pondered for at least 20 minutes how easily America let the Catholic Church off the hook for child abuse and pedophilia. Shouldn't more people have gone to jail?

What are your random thoughts about the Catholic Church?