Radio Silence

Can we pretend I've been blogging every week for the last 4 months?  Because the explanation of my radio silence might be slightly depressing.  And who wants to read that?  Or write it for that matter?  Not me so much.

The truth is I think I have had a little more than writer's block.  I think I have had thinker's block, because I haven't been thinking much.  Really.  My mind has been blank.  Like a low hum of static all the time.  For me, that is not a good feeling.  Sort of numb.  Paralyzed.  Blocked.  Stuck.  No one would know it from the outside.  Life moves on, and I keep walking through it, but inside...I'm stuck on low static.

I warned you.  Slightly depressing.  And I wouldn't bother to write it except...I don't think I'm alone.  We all get stuck sometimes.

Mine feels familiar.  I've been in this place before, like five years ago to be exact.  I'll just say it:  Two year olds are hard for me.  (Whew!  I'm glad I got that off my chest.)  I am developing a theory that all moms have at least one stage of development that tries their souls.  For me it is Year Two.  And it has nothing to do with that attitude that they develop.  Even when I am told to "shop ut!" (stop it) thirty times a day.  Even when I get hit or kicked in the face/arm/neck/chest/stomach/leg many times a day.  I can deal with the attitude.  What I have a hard time dealing with is the solitude.

Year Two is a lonely time for me.

First of all, two year olds don't really talk.  They jabber, and I talk.  A lot.  Ad naseum:  "Let's go bye bye.  Get in the car.  Buckle up.   Look!  What is that?  That's a horsey!  What does a horsey say?  Neeeiiiigh...Wow! There's a big truck.  Oh, see the birdies?  Oh, no...we don't do that.  What do you say?  Say thank you.  Thank you, mama.  Let's clean up.  Clean up, clean up, everybody everywhere...clean up, clean up, everybody do you share.  Good job!  What a good helper you are!  Thank you..."  All day long.  But a two year doesn't talk.  And then my brain leaks out of my ears.

Second of all, you can't really take a two year old anywhere.  Well, you can, but I don't advise it.  Because they're horrible.  All they want to do is run and touch everything, which means you have to be watching them all. of. the time.  So you can forget doing whatever it was you needed to do.  That, or you can plan on it taking three times longer than the time you actually have.  I've discovered it's easier to go nowhere.  But that means I'm home a lot--alone--with no one talking--with my brain leaking out of my ears.

Lastly, there is the double edged sword called naptime.  I love naptime.  It's during naptime that I try to stuff my brain back in my head, but naptime also means that I'm stuck at home...alone...still.  And despite the time it allows for brain stuffing, the walls kind of close in on me sometimes.

See, some people/moms can deal with isolation better than me, but for me loneliness is heavy.  It does strange things to my mind and heart.  The silence can be so deafening that it sometimes muffles the song of my spirit. In the silence of Year Two I can find myself wondering if my life has much purpose, despite my own belief in the sanctity of motherhood.  I can talk a hot stream of what motherhood means in the long term, but in the short term of wiping noses and bottoms my existence doesn't feel important, and sometimes the heat of my own ambition burns the roots of my faith a bit.  In Year Two, I live in a paradox of what I know versus how I feel.  In Year Two I feel alone and small, unimportant and unnecessary.  But I know that is not true.  I know it even when I don't feel it.

Ultimately, Year Two is a bitter pill that I swallow willingly.  Because Year Two also brings a little boy with it.  A little boy who is fascinated with "gig cucks" (big trucks) and choo-choos.  A little boy who loves hugs and kisses.  A little boy whose laughter is infectious.  A little boy who is learning to pray.  And I love him, even more deeply than in Year One.

And so I take a deep breath and swallow it all, trusting that this season of radio silence will be but a moment.