And We're Back!

Life...
Writing is something that I love, but I do not make time for it. I make up excuses and do other things that are "more" important. I tell myself that no one cares or wants to know or I am not good at it. But, here is the truth. I love writing and I love that someday my posterity will know what life was like for my family and friends. I would love to have more journals and diaries from my ancestors. Learning how they lived, how they parented, how they grew in their testimonies, how life was in a time that we can not even imagine. Our world is so fast paced, we don't slow down for hardly anything, what if we all knew what it was like to live in a world that was slower paced? 
Even when we try to slow down it is like the forces pull us back into the whirlwind!
To try and slow my life down and live in the moment I have been trying a few things. First I got rid of all social media! I know make a wow face. I don't think everyone needs to delete Facebook and Instagram, but this girl did. Social media can be a huge help and asset in so many positive things. But, it can also become an addiction and pull each of us in a world of comparison and self doubt. In my case it is an energy sucker! Those of you that know me well, know that I have a little bit (or a big bit) of a Savior complex. I feel the need to save the world and social media pulls me into that complex hard core!
My goal for this is to focus on my family, friends, and neighbors. I have a deep desire to share with the world that if we take care of our communities and so did everyone else then the whole world be a lot better off. That's just my little rant, for a different post. :)
On a different note, or the reason all of this came about...
Well in May of this year we got a bit of a surprise. We are having a baby! Yes a real live baby boy! He is due February 11th 2019 and at this moment as I type this he is attacking my insides and is 25 weeks and 4 days along. LONGER THEN ANY OTHER BABY ROBINSON has stayed in!
Olivia is 7 years old! And is a joy in our lives. She has been dealing with a lot of learning disabilities and other hardships due to being born so early which makes learning and understanding life difficult. But, she is such a fighter and is such a light in so many peoples lives. What she deals with in one day amazes me and no one would ever know. Living with invisible disabilities (meaning they are not obvious to others) is not an easy feat.
Tayce is working at the USU library and loves it. He works so hard for our family! We are so grateful for all he does for us. He is pretty popular in our house. I mostly have to fight Olivia for him. (She may be a Daddy's girl 100%)

 Here is our new little Mister. His name Is Patten and he is waving at Olivia in this picture. His pregnancy has been SO different than the other kiddos. I have been sick and hurting, let's just say he makes it known that he is here.

 This sweet thing is so amazing. Her ability to love and show love amazes me everyday. She cares so fully for others. Don't get me wrong she's a kid like any other one sometimes and doesn't like to share her fruit snacks, but her heart is good.

 Oh my Tay! I love him so much. He takes such good care of his crazy wife. Being pregnant 7 years after a NICU baby and 2 losses is not the easiest thing I have ever done. The anxiety that comes with being a high risk pregnancy is a lot to bare and I think the husbands get a little bit ignored. He truly is a champion in my eyes.

 This is our sweet niece Ember, she is going to USU and we get to see her almost every Sunday. It is fun being an aunt and uncle and cousin. We will take all the time we get with any of our nieces and nephews.

 Oh my little family. When we say that out loud Olivia reminds us that we have a big family, we just can't see them all. She is good at reminding us that we have special angels with us.

 Had to brag about this husband I have just a little more. He's painting my toes for me. What a good man he is! (And he did a good job)

My mama and Miss O. Because I am on a lot of restriction my mother comes and helps out when she comes. Olivia loves her grandma, let just say if it's between grandma or her dad it puts her in turmoil, but grandma usually wins. We are so grateful for all my mom has done during this pregnancy. She really has been a life saver. Love you mama! 

So that's just a little of what has been going on. Mostly it has been a lot of doctors appointments and lot of stress full of amazing people in our lives. We have felt showered with love from our family and friends and ward members. We have had prayers after prayers, people fasting for us, banana bread, meals, love, calls, visits, packages, letters, texts, and so much more. We feel abundantly blessed for the amazing people in our lives and hope to pay it forward. 

This month is November = Love. In our family we try to reach out to others and share love in remembrance of our sweet Graydin and Alice. This year Graydin will be 10! And Alice will be 8! In all the craziness of life I will slow down this month to honor my children. These sweet angels made me a mother. They have taught me what love is and what service means. They have shared with me what life is really about and because of them my perspective goes much farther than this mortal life. Because of them I can not doubt that we have a Savior who died for us. Because of them I know that life is more than just this wicked world. Because of them I know that my family is eternal. I owe so much to my sweet angels. And because of that this month will be about love and about slowing down enough to feel and share that love. 

The Day in the Life of O

O... O... O...
Miss O is quite the girl if you ask her mother. (Which is me.)
The last week has been a bit crazy. She has had her ups and downs with illness, which is typical in our life. Being a micro preemie leaves her with many different things she deals with. One of which is that when this girl is sick she's sick and she is often misunderstood.
I left the hospital last night with her (that being the third hospital we had been to in 36 hours) and was fuming mad and in tears. Basically I felt defeated. I felt like the medical world once again looked at me like an uneducated idiot. After x-rays, 4 ultrasounds, IV's, tests after tests we left knowing exactly what I already knew, she's sick. No explanation in why her right kidney and right side of her stomach has pain and why two other doctors were concerned with appendicitis.
An appendix you may ask? Well they could not find her appendix even after 4 ultrasounds. So we are left at home hoping and praying this pain goes away and is not the start of appendicitis.
I guess the point of all this is not whether she has appendicitis, but a few other things.
One, if you are in the medical world do not discredit a mothers word. Especially a mother that has been to hell and back with her child and knows her. Do not tell a mother right to her face that she doesn't know what she is talking about when she has been to 100's and 100's of doctor appointments, test, specialist and her child is only 4.
Second when circumstances in life are overwhelming and emotional take a step back. What I felt above and beyond the hurt and confusion of being treated poorly in the hospital is that my little family is loved. It didn't matter that my family didn't know what was happening with Olivia, they were there. They gave rides, they drove to Salt Lake to make sure they could give her a hug and see her, they took off work, spent all day on the phone fighting for us, they prayed and they loved. And that my friends it what is important in that circumstance. That a little girl is protected and loved by some of the best family and friends she could ever ask for.
We don't know what will happen with the bills and the medicines and the pain and the what if's. What we know is that we have people that watch over and take care of our baby and us. What we know is that whether we are told we don't know or understand we know better, I know better.
I know my daughter and I know that the spirit guides me. I know that she reacts differently to pain and illness, to stressors and stimulus, but I also know that she is loved fiercely and in return this little 4 year old loves fiercely back. I know that we have a Heavenly Father who loves us and helps us even when we are feeling defeated and deflated and trampled on. I know that even if others make us feel low that is not who we are. They too are humans and they must be forgiven and we must move on  doing and believing in what we know is true. Don't let people that don't know you or love you bring you down. Turn to those that love you, turn to a Heavenly Father and Savior that know you and love you and listen to the guidance of the spirit.
I guess at the end of the day Miss O had to go through a really crappy day to help her mom learn some really valuable things. Thanks Miss O you never cease to amaze me. Now to a promised day of Netflix and cuddles.

Happy 5th Birthday Baby Girl

 To my sweet angel Alice

Happy 5th Birthday

 I can not believe that it has been 5 years since I have held this sweet baby in my arms, since I have been able to kiss her, sing to her and feel her close to me. The short time we had together seemed a life time ago, but the pain feels so fresh.
Through the journey of being a bereaved parent I have learned so much. I have learned that trying to make the pain go away doesn't work.
All year long I fight the fight of being a bereaved mother. I hold strong, I try to help others, I hold back the tears, I withstand all the many comments that one gets in my situation and by the week of my children's birthday it is like a whole year of emotions comes flooding through my tear ducts and onto my pillow (or Tayce's shoulder).  

 But, the journey is not all tears of sadness. This little beauty has taught me how big my heart is. How much capacity it has to love. She has taught me that I am a mother and I became one 7 years ago when I was pregnant with Graydin. Her spirit and her personality calms my soul and helps me to see clearly.

 Miss Alice has helped me see the world in a different light. She has helped me to get through anger and distrust and helped me gain hope in my life. Her and her siblings have made me a better person and a better mama for sure.

 The week of her birthday is hard. I miss her. I miss the things I could be doing with her. How excited she would be that we are at Grandma's for her birthday. I miss knowing what she would look like and how happy Olivia would be if she was here. I miss the tangible touch of my baby girl. I want to hear her and see her. I wanted to see her give her part at the primary program and know what she would want on her plate at Thanksgiving and what would she have said when Grandma said "When you pick up your plate tell us what you are thankful for."

 I want to be able to see her face light up when Riley walks in the room or hear her squeal when Uncle Tyler and Aunt Jessie come to visit. Who would her favorite cousins be (I  have my guesses). I want to see her sit on Grandma D's lap and listen to stories and I wonder if Uncle Jess would scare her or if she would fight back. Would she love her Aunt Lindy the way that Olivia does and who would her neighbor friends be.

The loss of a child is so much more then "I am sorry Lacie for you miscarriage, just have more kids." The loss of a child is every single thing I miss out on everyday. The fits and the laundry, the noisy house and the homework, the endless dishes and the picky eaters. The smiles and the hugs, the kisses and the stories, the snuggles and the laughter. What I think about everyday of my life is what if they were here, what if I was like the other mom's who have kids running around, what if I had gymnastics and dance and soccer. But, I do not, not yet, not in this life.
I don't say these things to make anyone feel bad. If you don't understand I am glad. I say them because I think most people forget that many years after a loss it still hurts. Being a mother never ends even if the majority of my children are in heaven. The pain I feel is real and it is real for so many. I guess what I hope is that someone reads this and remembers someone in their family or life who suffers and you treat them a little kinder or have a little more understanding for them or you say their babies name.
I hope on this day that Alice can be more then a dead baby, but a part of a family. A person that lived and is remembered.

I love you my sweet baby girl. Every single day I anticipate the day I get to hold you in my arms and kiss you. You are my calm, you are the big sister and I love you with all my heart. I hope you are having a big party up there with all your friends and your brother. :)

SUMMER TIME 2015

This is all mixed up, but here are some of our 2015 summer adventures! 

 Reading magazines in the Snow College Library. We have been a few places as Tayce applies for jobs and interviews with different places across the state.

 Olivia had fun at Snow College. We didn't get a job there, but we do get to spend time there frequently because Riley is going to school there this fall. He is a Snow College Ambassador this year!

 We love having our friend Brittni over and Lucy loves her best friend Britt! We also love having Margot over, we have even got to babysit her over night!

 McDonald's with the Pollocks! We have had fun times with our friends the Pollock this summer. Sleepovers, dinner, game nights and we even went to the movies!

 MINION MOVIE with the Pollock boys and Uncle Tyler and Aunt Jessie! So much Fun!

 Enjoying treats after the movie!

 Well this is Olivia and her many sleep positions!

 We have been to the park a lot this summer! This is when we went to "a new park" Canyon Park in Cedar has some new equipment and Olivia and Tay and I have some fun spinning on the spinning toys!

 Well, Lucy is our new dog. Well she is not new, but Riley is gone and she stayed so now she is our travel companion!

 Been to Delta a few times this summer. Olivia says "I LOVE DELTA" We go to the museums, splash pad, park and library. She thinks it's pretty fun.

 Here she is pointing to Delta SUGAR BEET (this is for Grandma Nae). Sugar Beet is Olivia's nickname from Grandma.

 Taking naps is always a good summer activity.

 We have had many appointments in St. George this summer. With her physical therapist, heart doctor, sleep doctor, occupational therapist and whoever I have forgotten. But, she has done great. We have learned how to do water therapy in the pool and got new braces and even have been learning to peddle a bike!

 Went to Grandma D's house with the Dusty and Lori family! So much fun to be with cousins!

 Well something was bothering her. Sounds, lights and textures have been bothering miss O a lot and she has found inventive ways to deal with it. :)

 Hanging out with Riley has been fun.

 We put our home for sale. Got a swamp cooler. And have been packing up the house so we are ready when it sales.

 Went on a lot of walks. We love going on walks with our friends Emily and Daph and Darce. It is so much fun!

 Went to the 4th of July parade together!

 Been bowling! Look how festive Tay is!

 The cousins stopped by! And we went bowling to see the skills of Ember and Braydon! They are taking a bowling class!

 We had goats for a little bit and they drove us crazy. So we don't have them anymore. :)

We went to the Ren Fest and little miss got a face painting! She did so good and even tried the bounce house! She is doing such amazing things!

Riley Moved

 So Riley turned 18 and moved out! He moved over to Gunnison for a couple of weeks and now he is in Ephraim getting ready for school to start!

 Olivia was not too happy about the move.

 Tyler and Jessie stopped by and got to say hello and goodbye to Riley Man also. So, let's just say Olivia had a hard day of people leaving her. (Those of you that don't know this about Olivia, she does not like people leaving at all! She just wants everyone she likes to stay and live at her house.)

 She was crying and being so sad that her family was moving. She kept telling us that Riley is in her family so he needed to stay.

 We told her that we could still be a family even in Riley went to college.

He is loving being gone. We had a conversation the other day that we missed each other, but not living together. It was mutual. I miss having him over for dinner and playing games and hanging out, but he doesn't have to live with me to do that. :) Love you Riley Man! 

24th of July

 We traveled north for the 24th of July weekend. Luckily Tayce was able to work from my mom's house and he even got to come! My nieces from Arkansas were at my mom's and were so excited to spend some time with them.

 Riley and Madison playing at Aunt Laura's after the parade in Spanish Fork. We counted 13 or so REAL floats, which was impressive in our day of fancy cars and fake floats. :)

 The night of the 24th we got to go to the RODEO! Kelbi kept calling it the radio, which was confusing and funny. Olivia loved dressing up like Grandma Nae. It was a fun night.

 Grandma Nae watched miss Olivia for us so we could go on a temple date. She got to go to the park with her cousins.

 Tayce and I went to the Provo Temple and then we found a great restaurant called Banana Leaf.

 Riley came and hung out with us for a bit. It was good to see him. We have been missing him since he moved out on the 16th.

 Grandma Nae had some sparklers for us to do. It was the first time Olivia had done them The girls were super cute.

Overall it was a good weekend. Love spending time with family and loved seeing those nieces. Hopefully we get to see them again soon.