Tzabilita's Frustrations

Who can blame me? From childhood, as far as I can remember, I was deeply in-love. Yes, deeply in-love with food. I love to eat. I love to munch! I love to have always something wet and filling my mouth. Who’s to blame? I am sure I am not the only one at fault here. I mean, I could’ve controlled my appetite only if those television commercials were not so convincing….or if my parents warned me that being fat is not a beautiful thing, especially when I’d grow into adult… or if the friends I grew with were not fat. Yes, I was also with fat friends all the while so it was very normal to have extra bulges around from when I was a child.

At 38 years old, I can say that I have never lost any weight. I was always I constant increase until now that I am at least 130 kilograms! It’s so difficult. It is such a big burden to flex and sweat. Only to think about it, I feel tired even before I could start!

Is it wrong to be fat? Maybe yes, or maybe not. Yes, it is wrong as I am already nearing 40 and still single, available and never been kissed, never been touched. But on the other hand, it signifies freedom as I am alone and I can go anywhere I want without having to consider anything. But you know what? This freedom is so painful! If you can only imagine what I feel in the middle of the night…. The loneliness… the emptiness.. How I wish I was never this fat.

I still don’t consider it my fault though. Since I was a child, my parents had already emphasized the importance of food, the beauty and pleasure of eating and all of us, my two brothers and I, we all grew fat. “Fat kids from fat parents”, that’s what our neighbors used to tell us when we were only little ones. We did not understand by then that it was already half insult.

When I started working, I tried hard to lost this weight that’s with me ever since but it was so difficult. It is sad to be fat and I regret or hate so many things that are connected to my being fat:

1. My parents: how could they permit being so fat and passing those flabby figures to all us, their children?
2. Myself: I could have been more disciplined when I was a child and tried to limit my food intake to not grow as fat as I am at the moment.
3. My two brothers: If they were good enough in losing weight, we could’ve helped each other in losing weight.
4. My friends: If they’re not as fat as me, they could have motivated me;
5. The food industry: they always convince me to try their new products;
6. The world: They look negatively at fat people!

The whole human race is brain-washed on how to treat their fellow human beings. Why should they look so bad at fat people? This I don’t really understand. But someday, I will have my vengeance against the whole world for being so cruel to us fatter people! Watch out, mean world of slims and thins! I’ll show you!

If I am God...

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If I am God
I would resign
My responsibilities are gigantic
The consequences of my acts
Are usually traumatic

If I am God
I'd be tired easily
Racism here, racism there
Racism is everywhere

If I am God ------------------------------------------------- - --------------- If I am God
I'd resign no more -----------------------------------------------------I'd really cover my ears
Why I changed my mind? ------------------------------- ---- ----When all opposing teams
I'll let Islam, Christianity ------------------------- ---- - ----------- -In each tournament
And other beliefs in unity ------------------------ --- ---------Utter their respective prayers

If I am God
I'd be damned
To allow countless deaths
In many wars

If I am God
I'd impersonate a clown
As I want everyone
To erase their frown

If I am God...
But I could not be...
If I am God...
But there's no way!

Confessions of a Devoted Sinner

Who can blame me? I see so many things, I hear so many sounds and I feel a few uncontrollable sensations while the holy Catholic mass is ongoing. Please forgive me, Oh Lord, as I, your devotee, a scarred sinner, inside your holy sanctuary, is distracted as usual.

Dear Lord, I have to admit that the finely designed, with fine cloth, garb Cassock of the priest always stir my curiosity. Is that thing expensive?

Another question to you my Almighty: those flower decorations down the lectern and scattered around the pulpit and at the base of the altar, do they really appease you? What can you say about them? I am really curious to hear your opinion about it. Aren’t we supposed to have an economic crisis as what the priest always tell when we are about to give alms? How about in your end My Lord? Do you have fluctuation of exchange rates and stock markets as well? How’s trading today?

Another concern that I tell You is about the cat! Yes, the cat! It’s a blackish gray cat but I think this cat here inside the church wants to have a contest with me with church attendance and to prove me that I am not the most devoted person inside here. This gray green-eyed cat is always present here in all the holy masses that I attended and I have the notion that even if I am not around, this cat still goes to masses. I really find it disturbing! Despite all these distractions, I feel that this cat is very lucky because if it’s as devoted as I think it is, this feline is surely less sinful than I am. This creature might have prayed to you Lord, did it confess something as well?

It is early Sunday morning Oh dear Lord but I hear a snore just in the row behind mine. I am really very curious Oh Lord and I want to look who it is but that would be an embarrassing thing to do if I do look over my shoulder to see “who it is”. Hmmm… let me sit in a slightly angled position so I can see from the corner of my eye… Oh! That’s an old man! Did he go for a night out? I wonder why he snores that loud as the priest delivers the sermon. I have to say I yawned for at least seven times but at least I am not sleeping and NOT snoring. That is very embarrassing and it does catch my attention more than anything else. Now I cannot stop thinking the cause of this old man’s sleepiness. I also understand the rhythm of his snore more than the message in the priest’s sermon! Oh, please pardon me Oh Lord.

The couple in front of me, now that the old man has stopped snoring, they are really distracting. She is very fat and he is very bald! He reminds me of my very own hair which is also near bald. I'm 35 and now I think of my thinning hair. This is a usual caucasian man's nigh mare: the hair. Now the couple, they are actually arguing about something but I cannot figure it out. So bad, the priest is preparing for the communion and I must bow my head. Although she tries to make the arguments in whisper, I still cannot put myself into concentration. Why can’t they be quiet like me? Like a real devotee? Oh Lord, I can only imagine your amused face when you see all of us down here.

Do you know Lord that some of your believers are really disgusting? A woman picked the fallen “ostia” or “the body of Christ” when her tongue missed it as the lay minister offered it to her? I mean, can you imagine the “body of Christ” or… can I say Your body?...did fall down the floor? That must have caused you a real thud!

Indeed my Lord, I’m physically present inside your sanctuary but I am mentally absent. Good thing is, I know you forgive me. I know that you fully understand. Should you have done another reaction if you’re in my shoes?