Two Years Has Passed

Before I get to this post I want to say a HUGE thank you to those of you who left me such sweet comments on my last post. You all were so thoughtful. I also want to thank those of you who sent me texts, emailed, left me messages on FaceBook and called me on Wednesday. Once again I was shocked by the love and support of my readers. You all made a very difficult day not so difficult. Thank you for thinking of me and being there for me. I will say it again, the blogging world has some really great amazing people in it! So once again thank you for all the words and comments!

So as most of you all know Wednesday was the second year anniversary of Shawn's death. I have to be totally honest with you all and say it was not nearly as bad as last year. Last year the week or so before the actual day I started getting really nervous, and had this panicky feeling that really never left me. I didn't experience those feelings this year. Everyone kept asking me how they thought I would do and to again be honest I really didn't know how I would handle the day. I've learned in the last two years that the grief sometimes comes out of no where and sometimes the "big days" aren't the days where you feel it the most. I've also learned that you never know what emotions you will experience on any given day. Ry and I were talking on Tuesday night and he also asked me how I thought I would be. I just looked at him and told him I really didn't know, but that I was feeling okay about it. He said that maybe every year will get a bit easier and that maybe time does heal and that's why I was feeling more peaceful about the anniversary this year. If someone would have told me time heals last year I think I would have lost it on them. When the grief is that fresh and knew that is just not something you want to hear. It's true though and now at two years I do believe it. Time does heal, more than anything time gives you the means to deal with your grief in different ways.

Wednesday morning I woke up and just like two years ago it was a bright sunny day with a beautiful blue sky. It was like that last year as well. The second I opened my eyes on Wednesday I was fully aware of what day it was, but for some reason I didn't have that feeling of doom like I did last year and I was so grateful for that. I told Ry that I wanted the day to be as normal as possible. So I slept in a little, got up, got something to eat and then sat down on the couch to watch TV for a while. Then I turned on my computer, messed around on FaceBook and read a few blogs. Still feeling good about the day. Then I checked my email and noticed that I had an email from Jennie. Last year I swear to you she called me every hour on the hour to check on me all day long. It was so very sweet of her. Her email said that she had forgotten her cell phone so she wouldn't be able to talk during the day, but I was to email her if I needed anything at all. She told me she loved me and it was okay to feel however I needed to feel. She told me that it's okay to miss Shawn, to cry (which you all know I hate doing), and that she was proud of me for how far I've come in two years. Yes, you guessed it after reading that I got a little teary, she seriously is one of my best friends ever!

Almost as soon as I got done reading her email I got a text on my phone. Much to my surprise it was a text from Ry. Not that I was surprised that he texted me, because we text each other on and off all day, but I'm the one who always, everyday sends him a good morning text first, and then he will send one back. But on Wednesday he beat me. His text was so sweet, he wanted to know how I was doing so far and to tell me that he was thinking about me and that if I needed anything I could call him. He told me that he is always here for me and not to be afraid to talk to him, then he said he loved me lots and would see me after work. Well that text did it and after I read it I totally busted out crying. A sweet email from Jennie and a text from Ry was all it took. At that moment I just kind of felt a little overwhelmed and a bit emotional. I had two of the best people ever showing me their love and support. I knew Ry was going to be great on that day, he has all the other important days. But at the same time I wasn't sure if Wednesday was going to be weird for him. Once again, he stepped up was totally great the entire day and was amazing. I'm so lucky to have found a man who "gets" what I have been through and is supportive and understanding of it all.

After I had my brief crying sting, I got in the shower and headed out to the cemetery. On the way one of my other best friends Meg called to check up on me and see how I was doing. So we talked on my drive to the cemetery. Just like last year I took out a bouquet of yellow roses and placed them on Shawn's grave. I only stayed for about 10 minutes but I took that time and talked to Shawn. I told him that I missed him, will always miss him and will always love him. I thanked him for helping me become who I am today, I also thanked him for sending Ryan to me and told him that Ry treats me really well and that I thought the two of them would get along great. I sat there and told him that there is still this part of me that knows this is real but there is still a part of me that can't believe that it has been two years. Then for a while I just sat there in silence and thought about how much my life has changed in the last two years. I thought about how much my life has changed within this last year as well. I have done so many things in the last year that it's kind of mind blowing. (This is a post for another day) I sat there and thought and just sort of smiled to myself for living through the last two years. I've learned so much about myself that I would have never had figured out had all this not happened. Before I left the cemetery I again told Shawn that I loved him and thanked him for always watching over me.

After I left the cemetery I met my friend for lunch. (She lost her husband two weeks after Shawn died in an auto accident.) We had a great day, talked about how far we had each came and how we are now living our life, but keeping the memories of our late husbands alive. We laughed, we talked, and yes in the middle of the restaurant we both cried. It was so nice to be able to spend some time with somebody who totally gets every emotion you are feeling and is able to relate to everything you are going through. After our lunch I went to the mall to buy another UofM t-shirt. Remember last year when I did that. Well I decided that it was going to be my yearly tradition. Every August 18, I'm going to buy myself a UofM t-shirt. I think Shawn would get a kick out of this, and hey I get a new t-shirt out of the deal ;)

Later in the early evening we went to Ry's parents house for dinner. His entire family was amazing and all greeted me with a hug and asked how I had been. Ry's family is wonderful! After dinner we took the kids back to their mom's house and Ry asked if I wanted to go out or if I wanted to stay at home for the night. I told him that I wanted to go out. So with that we changed our clothes and met one of his friends for his birthday. We ended up having a great time, and laughed a lot. It felt good to laugh like that.

I talked to my family, friends and a few of Shawn's friends on and off all day long. I'm so blessed to have these amazing people in my life. Everyone was wonderful and totally supportive! All in all the day was not all that bad. I mean it sucked, and August 18 will always be a hard day, but it for sure was not as hard as it was last year. I don't know why either and that is something that I have questioned the last few days. Is it a bad thing that this year wasn't as hard? Have I gone on living to quickly? I've done what has felt right every step of the way so I don't really think that is it. Maybe because I have Ry in my life now and I'm in a totally different place than I was last year. Or maybe because it has been another full year and I have figured more of me out and have figured out ways and outlets to deal with the grief. Either way I'm grateful that Wednesday wasn't horrible. I'm actually kind of pleased that know I can mark this hard day with more smiles and memories than with tears and sadness. After all, this day is when Shawn died and we all know that, but I don't have to only focus on that. I can smile, laugh and remember the good times with Shawn as well.

The Story of The Day It All Changed

I do not think that I have ever shared with you the events of the day Shawn died. I wanted to post about it a few different times but for some reason just never did. With next Wednesday marking the second year of his death I thought it might be a good time to share it with you.

I woke up the morning of the 18, sick and had this awful gut wrenching feeling I just could not shake. I was only six weeks pregnant but I was already having awful morning (I mean all day sickness) I woke up and ran into the bathroom and tried to throw up, but only stood at the toilet dry heaving for about twenty minutes. Shorty after I was in the bathroom Shawn came in there with me. He stood behind me and held my hair back for me as I was getting sick. How sweet right? Once I was okay he told me to go out to the couch and he would bring me a cold wash cloth for my face. A few seconds later he came out to the couch with the wash cloth and a small glass of grape Gatorade. He sat down with me, rubbed my back and said, "I need to start feeling better so I can take better care of you and our baby" (He had not been feeling well for a few weeks and was in and out of the Dr.) I smiled at him and told him that he was taking great care of us. For the last ten days he got me everything I needed and wanted every time I needed or wanted it. With that we both got up off of the couch and got ready for work. By that time the nausea had started to pass a little bit, but I still could not shake an "off" feeling that I had woken up with.

As I was getting ready for work, Shawn ate a little bit of breakfast (yes, I still remember what he ate that day) Right before he left for work he yelled to me in the bathroom and told me he was getting ready to leave. I met him in the hallway and told him to have a good day. I then walked him out to his car, something I rarely did, but felt like I needed to do for some reason that day. We gave each other a kiss and told each other we loved each other. Shawn then leaned over, kissed me on the forehead and kissed his hand and them put it on my stomach. I then turned and walked back inside to finish getting ready for work. As he pulled out of the driveway I stopped, turned around and waved at him one last time. That was the last time I would ever see him alive, the last time I would get a kiss my him, and the last time I would feel the warmth of his hand on my back.

I went back inside and finished getting ready for work. It was a beautiful, sunny, bright blue sky, hot summer morning. I got in my car and started my 20 minute drive to work. I always listed to the radio in the car, I can not stand to drive in silence. However, on this day for some strange reason I decided to turn the radio off and drive in silence. I still couldn't shake the bad feeling that I was having. Deep down I really felt like something was going to happen to Shawn. I remember not wanting him to go to work that morning, and I remember feeling that we should have stayed home together that morning. Anyways, I drove to work and before I knew it I found myself praying that everything would be okay and that Shawn would be just fine. Shawn was supposed to have another doctors appointment that night and for some reason I was just terrified that the doctor was going to tell us he had cancer, a tumor or something like that. Like I said I just had an odd not good feeling that I could not shake. I was supposed to watch my friend Lora's little boy that night, but had decided that I wanted to stay at home with Shawn after he got home from work. So before I got out of my car, I called and told Lora that I just felt that I needed to be at home and that I would not be able to watch Luca for her. I still had that very uneasy feeling, but knew I needed to snap out of it because once I got into my classroom I would have nine three year olds needing my full attention.

Around 9:30 I was able to "sneak" a call to Shawn. I just wanted to hear his voice and see how he was feeling. We only talked for a little while but things were not going so well during practice so he had to go. We quickly said we loved each other and would talk more at lunch time. That was the last time I would hear his voice, the last time I would hear him say that he loved me. I took the kids in my classroom outside to play for a little while, then at about 10:15 my phone rang and it was Brian, the one coach who was Shawn's assistant and like his little brother. When I saw his number come up on my phone I instantly knew something was wrong. I knew Brian would not call me during working hours unless there was a problem. I answered the phone and without even saying hello I asked what was wrong. He asked me where I was at. I told him I was working and wanted to know what was wrong. Brian told me I needed to get to the stadium as fast as I could because they thought Shawn had just had a seizure. I told the other teacher on the playground what had happened and told her that I was leaving. With that I left my kids on the playground and headed inside to get my purse and keys. That is when I started freaking out! I knew something was wrong when I woke up that morning. I was scared to death that something awful was going to happen to Shawn. I tried to tell myself that everything was going to be just fine. I mean we had just found out we were going to have a baby, nothing awful could go wrong now. My boss Teressa met me in the hallway and told me she would drive me to the hospital. It was the longest 20 minute drive of my entire life. On the way to the hospital in between talking to Brian I called by Mom to tell her what was going on and that I wanted her and my Dad to come to Youngstown as soon as they could. I also remember telling her that I didn't want Shawn to die. My Mom did her best to calm me down, but I could tell my her voice that she was worried as well. I didn't talk long to her because Brian was calling me back.

As I was waiting for Teressa in the parking lot of our work Brian called me back and asked me how far away I was. I told him I was still about 20 minutes away. I asked him how Shawn was doing and as calmly as he could he told me that people were working on him. I asked him if Shawn was breathing and all he could say is, "Jen, they are working on him right now" Nobody knew that I was pregnant, we wanted to keep it a secret until my first appointment. I decided it was time for Brian to know. I told him he needed to go into Shawn's office (where he had collapsed) and remind him of me and the baby. Then all of a sudden it hit me like a ton of bricks....why were people working on him. Did he fall and hit his head or worse....had he stopped breathing. I kept asking Brian how Shawn was doing. Over and over in a matter of seconds I asked him that. I also told Brian not to leave Shawn alone until I could get there. Then I started asking if he was breathing. At that moment I heard people in the room talking to Shawn. I kept hearing, "Shawn, Shawn, can you hear me, can you feel this?" I heard these words from random people. I then started hearing people perform CPR on Shawn. Then minutes later I heard them tell Brian that he had to leave the room. Then I heard somebody in the background yell, "clear" I knew that they were using the AED machine on Shawn and I knew right then it was not good. Once again I asked Brian how Shawn was doing and if he was breathing. All he told me was that they couldn't get his heart to beat at a normal rhythm. I knew that he wasn't breathing, why would they be doing CPR if he was breathing on his own. I kept telling Brian not to let Shawn die, that I needed him and that the baby needed him. Looking back now I feel awful for putting that much pressure on Brian, but I knew that Brian loved him too so somehow it comforted me knowing that Brian was there doing what he could. Then the paramedics started asking Brian all kinds of questions for me to answer. Then Brian told me that they were putting Shawn in the ambulance and I was to meet them at he hospital. At that point I was about five minutes away, so I knew I would be there soon. I asked Brian if he would please ride in the ambulance with Shawn so that he would not be alone. He did, Brian never left Shawn's side or my side that entire day.

As soon as I hung up the phone with Brian we came to a four way stop. It was there sitting at that stop sign that I knew something was drastically wrong. I looked up and at the other stop sign I saw an ambulance. I told Teressa that I thought that was probably the ambulance Shawn was in. She looked at me and said, "Oh honey I don't think that's Shawn's ambulance because there are no lights on it." My entire heart sank, I looked out the window of the car and saw a police car in front of the ambulance. Inside that police car was Coach Heacock, the head football coach at YSU. She was right, the ambulance did not have lights or sirens on. I instantly knew that Shawn had probably died. Our car left the stop sign first and we pulled into the ER parking lot. I jumped out of the car and went into the hospital. Coach Heacock met me at the door. I asked him what was the matter with Shawn and told him that nothing could happen because I was pregnant. I remember he just looked at me with the most awful look on his face. Seconds later Brian came in through the other door. Both Brian and Coach gave me the biggest hug and they each took a side of me and walked me to the waiting room. I told them I didn't want to go anywhere, that I wanted to see Shawn. I remember Coach looking at Brian and shaking his head back and forth and they both held onto me just a bit tighter.

A few seconds after that I saw a nurse and a Dr. wheeling Shawn down this hallway. Somehow, no idea how I broke free of Brian and Coach. The first thing I remember seeing was Shawn's feet. His socks and shoes were off and his feet were so so pale. I remember seeing small purple veins in his feet that I had never seen before. From his feet I remember looking up his body. His shirt was pulled up and there were wires all over his chest. His face was purple and swollen very badly, his eyes were closed, and he had a breathing tube and bag around his mouth and a nurse was pumping the bag, just like you see them do on TV. I went up to him, touched his hand and told him that I loved him. After that Brian, and Coach took me to the waiting room. Brian helped me fill out a bunch of paperwork and we sat back down. It was then that I needed to call one of my best friend's Jennie. I called her, told her I needed her to come to the hospital as soon as she could. Within minutes Jennie was there. On her way she also called our other best fried Lora and told her that she needed to meet us in the ER as soon as she could because she figured I was going to need both of them. Right before Jennie got there a nurse came and got Brian, Coach Heacock, and myself and took us to our own little room. I remember thinking once again that this wasn't a good thing. I remember thinking you only get your own room in a busy ER if a person has died. Once again I thought to myself that this could not be happening because just eight days earlier we had found out we were pregnant. Nothing bad could be happening now.

With Jennie's crazy super powers as a best friend she found us in our room. In the waiting room at that point and time was myself, Coach Heacock, Brian, the hospital Chaplin, and a few of the other football coach's on the staff had started showing up. Jennie came into the room and instantly came and sat down next to me and just held me. I'm not sure but I think she asked me what was wrong. I think I just sat there and shook my head. Seconds after Jennie, arrived two doctors came into the room and sat down on the little couch a crossed from where I was sitting. The doctor asked me a bunch of questions and I answered them. Then he told us all a few more things and I remember just sitting there staring at him. Then he said the words that would forever change my life. He said, "Mrs. Coin, we worked on Shawn for over 45 minutes, we tried everything we could, but I'm sorry your husband died." I started shaking and said to him, "No, no, you need to go back and help him more." I quickly looked around the room and looked at the faces of all my friends and football family in there with me. Everyone had these awful blank gazes on their faces. Instantly Jennie, just wrapped her entire body around me and just held me. She held me while I cried and the two of us just sat and cried for what felt like hours, but was probably only a few minutes.

After the doctor left I knew I needed to make some phone calls, there were people who needed to know about Shawn. Teressa called my Mom and told her, a nurse called Shawn's parents and told them. Jennie called my other best friend Megan (who lives in Chicago) and told her, and I called another football coach's wife that I had known for years and told her. It was awful telling my family and friends what had happened. After I got off the phone I think I said the worst words that I have ever said in my life. With Jennie's arms still around me, and others still in the room I said, "I don't even want this baby anymore." (please know I so so so did NOT mean that, it was just the shock talking) Jennie just held me harder and said that everything would work out and that our baby would have so many people that loved it. The nurse then asked me how far along I was and I told her about six weeks. If I could take back anything about that day, other than the fact that Shawn died it would be saying those words.

A few minutes later the Chaplin came back into the waiting room and asked if I was ready to see Shawn. I remember thinking I really didn't want to, but knew at the same time that I had to because if I did not I would always regret it. I walked out into the main waiting room and instantly saw Lora and Luca. I took Luca from Lora and gave him a big hug. Then I looked at Lora hugged her and said, "This wasn't supposed to happen like this." She hugged me back and said, "I know, I know." Then the Chaplin asked me if I was ready to go back, I told him yes but I did not want him to go with me. I wanted Brian and one of the other Coach's that Shawn and I were close with to go with me. I left Jennie and Lora side and began the long walk down the hallway. The entire walk both Brian and Antoine held me up. When we were just about to Shawn's room I stopped in the hall and told them I didn't think I could do it. They both held be tighter and told me that I could and that they would both be with me. We walked into the room and to me it just felt cold. I walked in and went up and stood by the bed. I looked at Shawn and he was just laying there with his eyes closed, the tube still in his mouth, and his arms at his side. Minus the tube in his throat I remember thinking that he actually looked very peaceful. I went up to the side of the bed, put my hand on his leg and said, "Bub, what happened? I love you, and so does our baby." I then looked and Brian and Antoine and we left the room. Once again the two of them helped me walk down the hallway.

I got back to the waiting room, looked at Jennie and Lora and said I just wanted to go back home. They both looked at me and said that they would take me home. Jennie, Lora, Luca and Teressa took me back to our house and stayed with me the entire day until my parents got there around 9:30 at night. They seriously were the best friends that anyone could ask for that day!! They still are the best friends I could ask for! Jennie and Lora did so much for me that day, I feel like I will never be able to repay them for all they did for me and have done for me.

The rest of that day is kind of a blur. Friends, coaches, and coaches wives were in and out of my house. I had all the food in the world to eat, but the funny thing was I couldn't stand the sight or smell of any of it. Food was about the LAST thing I wanted. I remember also that people wanted me to try and take a nap. I tried, I really did but every time I closed my eyes I saw Shawn's face on that hospital bed and it was just easier for me to stay up. I also remember getting a phone call from someplace in Cleveland asking me if I wanted to donate Shawn's eyes, or skin to a person who needed them. I know there is a short amount of time for organs to be "harvested" from a person but I seriously don't think I was home for an hour when I had gotten that phone call.

Once I was home Jennie, Lora, Teressa and I just talked on and off during the day. I sat in Shawn's chair the entire day. I even got a dirty t-shirt of his out of the laundry and walked around with it all day long. The day is a blur, but I remember most everything about that day. I remember what I was wearing, what Shawn was wearing and what everyone else had on. I remember the weather, the look on people's faces, the look on their faces when the looked at me. I remember thinking that this could not be happening to me. I remember thinking how could I now be a single mother and a widow at 30 years old. I wished more than anything the events of that day were a dream, but they were not. The events of that day forever changed my life.

One week from tomorrow will be two years since Shawn has been gone. Two years since I have heard his voice and felt his touch. At two years I still think about Shawn every single day, I still love him and always will. He helped make me who I am today. It is so hard for me to think that two years without Shawn is nearing. So many aspects feel like it has been way longer than two years, and in other aspects it feels like just yesterday. The memories of that day are what still are so fresh in my mind.

Like I said at the start of this post. I wanted to share this day with you a while ago, but just did not for some reason. I know it's not a happy post, but something I wanted to share with you all none the less.

Ugh...It's August

I can not believe that today is August 2! This summer has gone by way way way to fast and I really don't want it to be over. I'm so not ready for the cold, snow and gray weather that will be upon us before we know it. I'm such a summer girl, and not a winter girl at all.

As well as the end of summer August also means something else to me. To me August will always remind me of the month that my entire life changed. August 8, 2008 was the day I found out I was pregnant. Thing were great for ten amazing days. Then on August 18, 2008 everything changed in literally one heart beat. As many of you know that is the day Shawn died. My world was rocked, everything I had known came crashing down around me. I had no idea what I was going to do without Shawn. However, I knew I had to keep strong and keep going because of the baby. I made it through Shawn's viewing on August 23 and 24. Made it through packing up our house, and saying good bye to my friends and life in Ohio. Then on August 28 I got another blow. That was the day I found out that the baby did not have a heart beat and I was more than likely going to lose our baby. I remember thinking there was no way that could be possible. How could God, or why would God make me lose Shawn and then our baby?

As it turns out God had other ideas and another journey for me to take. Definitely not the journey that I wanted, but the journey I have been given and I think for the most part have embraced as my new life. I think I have handled everything that has happened to me the best way I knew and in the best way now as I continue on my new journey. I'm so grateful to have had Shawn in my life, if even for a short period of time. I have learned so much about my self since his death. Things that I would have never figured out about me and about life had this not happened to me.

Things with me and Ry are going really really well. I actually couldn't be happier right now. Today actually marks seven months that we have been going out! Once again I'm finally going to bed at night and waking up in the morning with a smile on my face. It feels good to love a man again and it feels so good to be loved back. Once again I'm blessed with another great amazing guy to love. How lucky am I to be loved by two amazing men?

Even though things are 100% amazing with Ry it still doesn't take away the fact that August sucks. It's a hard month and lots of emotions swirl this time of year. I can not believe that 16 days from today will mark the second anniversary of Shawn's death. I have NO idea what to expect on August 18. Last year I knew the day was going to be horrible, I was preparing myself for it to be. As I expected it was, and as usual the days leading up to August 18 were a little harder than the actual day. This year I just don't know what will happen or how I will feel. In a way I can kind of feel the panicky feeling that I had last year before a big day creeping back in a little bit. That is a feeling I haven't had in a long while. In another way I feel as if I will be able to handle it much better this year. I'm in a 100% completely different place this year than I was last year. Then again if the day isn't crazy hard for me does that make me a bad person? I'm just not at all sure how this August 18 is going to be. In one way I can see myself crying all day, but in another way I can see it being a hard day but dealing with it in a different way. I know I will go out to the cemetery how I always do on any big day. I will go out in the morning by myself and do what I do out there and I was thinking about maybe asking Ry if he wants to go back out with me at night. Of course only if he wants too and only if it is something he is comfortable with. (He has never gone out there yet with me) I know I will continue the tradition I started last year and I will buy myself a new UofM t-shirt in honor of Shawn. Other than those two things I really don't know what will happen or how I will be on August 18. I guess as of right now I'm just going to continue to take it a day at a time and see what happens. As usual I know with all the memories of Shawn I have, support of my family, friends, new friends, and Ry I will be able to get through the day as it approaches. But that still doesn't mean I have to like the month of August right? ;)

Three Days Into Year Two...and Doing O.K.

Well I'm three days into year two and I'm doing ok. Kind of funny how I'm still counting huh? I think I will always be counting now.

Before I get to the 'meat' of the post I want to thank each and every one of you. Thank you for all the comments left on my blog, they were all so sweet, touching and caring. Thank you as well for all of the prayer for both myself and for Shawn, that really meant a lot to me. During the last few days I have also received countless emails asking how I'm doing and people telling me that I have been in their thoughts and prayers. If you are somebody who has emailed me I will be getting back to you in the next few days. A year later it still amazes me the love and support I have gotten from people I have never met. You guys are awesome and I'm happy to call you all my friends.

I stared writing this post on Wednesday but didn't have the words for some reason. The last few days I have been just plain TIRED! I think with all the excitement and emotions that went with Sarah's wedding on Saturday, then leading up to Tuesday, and the day itself I'm just plain wore out. It has been an emotional last few days, heck, it has been an emotional last year and I think the last few days it all caught back up with me. I have been explaining the way I feel to people is kind of like when you were a kid the day after Christmas. You spend several weeks looking forward to something, then the day happens, and then the next day there is a let down and the day is no different. Not that I was looking forward to Tuesday, because trust me when I say, I was NOT, but I had been gearing myself up for it for the last year, and even more so for the last month. I made it through Tuesday ok, but then Wednesday I woke up and my life was no different. I woke up with the feeling of, "ok..you made it through the last year, now this is your life" that in itself was emotional. However, three days into year two I'm doing ok. I know this year will have lots of first as well, first time going back to work, possibly the first time going back to school, possible the first place of my own, the first year of really trying to start living my life again. Again, overwhelming, exciting and scary all at the same time. See lots of emotions I still get to deal with! I know though that I will get through this year with my family, friends, and all of you just as I have this past year.



Many of you have asked how I spent the day on Tuesday, so as with everything else I'm going to share with you what I did on the one year anniversary of Shawn's death. I knew for me to get through the day I needed it to be as 'normal' of a day as possible.



Actually it started on Monday afternoon. I received a card in the mail from one of my best friends Meg. She wanted to tell me that she was thinking about me and praying for me and that if I needed her to give her a call. The card had the best message in it and note from her. Monday night my cell phone began to ring about 6:00 p.m from some of my friends letting me know that they would be there for me all day if I needed or wanted them. Well most of my friends gave me the option. Jennie just informed me that she was going to be calling all day long whether I wanted her to or not. (gotta love her!) Anyways, before I went to bed on Monday night both my parents and my sister got me some beautiful flowers to brighten up my day a bit. These were from my parents and the single rose was from my sister. Pretty huh?

Just before I fell asleep on Monday night I realized that one year that night was the last night that I got to sleep with Shawn in our bed, it was the last night that I got to curl up into his arms and fall asleep, it was the last time that I got to kiss him good night. That brought a few tears to my eyes but I managed not to all out lose it. Then on Tuesday morning I woke up for some reason at 6:30, I never wake up that early unless I have to, but then I remembered that a year ago that morning at that exact same time I gave Shawn his last kiss before he went to work. I'm not sure if that was really the reason I woke up but it was another memory, and a few more tears.

Then at promptly 8:30 just like she said she would Jennie started calling me. Then from there on out Jennie called me every hour on the hour. Her calling actually made me laugh. I would answer the phone and she would say, "Whatcha doin now?" Then we would talk for a few minutes until the next time. She is seriously one of the greatest friends ever!

After my wake up call I decided to get up and go to the gym. I work out every day and I knew that was something I wanted to do on Tuesday. I just feel so much less stress and feel much better after I work out. I had a great work out. I did my usual two mile run and then lifted. All things considered I had a great workout, I really pushed myself that day. At one point during my workout I looked at the clock and realized that it was only one hour until the time of Shawn's death. That left me worked up and with a big lump in my throat. A few minutes after that I left the gym. I wanted to go get flowers to take out to Shawn's grave. I don't know why but I needed to be out at his grave at the time of his death. When I got to my car I kid you not I had about 10 text messages and voice mails from my friends. Have I mentioned I have the best friends ever?!

One of the messages was from a florist. There was a delivery for me and she wondered when I could come pick it up or it could be dropped off. I thought a delivery for me huh? Since I wanted to get flowers for Shawn I decided to pick them up. This beautiful arrangement was from my friend Lora, another amazing friend who was with me at the hospital the day Shawn died. Lora had meeting on and off most of the day, but she told me that if I needed anything, to text her and she would be able to text back and if she really needed to she would leave the meeting to call me. Again, a great friend.

I decided to get Shawn a dozen yellow roses to put at his grave. Well that and an awful tacky looking balloon that was in the shape of a heart and had lips all over it and said "I love you!" Shawn would have hated it, but it made me laugh so I got that to go along with the flowers. I made it out to the cemetery a few minutes before his time of death and arraigned the flowers and balloon. I did my usual...I talked to him and told him I missed him so very much. Then I just kind of sat there for a while and kind of took everything in. I told Shawn that I have no idea what my future hold but whatever happens not to worry because I will always love him, and that there will always be an empty spot in my heart where he belongs. Then I told him thank you for being my Guardian Angel and that I couldn't imagine a better person to watch over me. Then I told him I loved him and left.

I am not kidding you when I say my phone rang non-stop on Tuesday. I seriously think I talked to every single person that I know, some of them multiple times. Three of the Coach's even called me several different times of the day. Those guys have been great as well, and I'm so glad that they are all still in my life. Have I mentioned that I have the greatest friends? I even received a text from some of my friends husbands. How sweet is that? Sarah even called me from her honeymoon two different times to see how I was doing.

Tuesday after the gym my mom and I went out with one of my friends Collette. The three of us just sat and talked about Sarah's wedding while we ate lunch. Collette 'blocked' out the whole day for me just in case I needed something. After lunch I came home and tried to take a nap but my phone just kept ringing. I finally realized I was really tired and I put my phone on vibrate for a while so I could take a quick nap. After a half hour doze I had 5 texts from people. Great friends once again.

Tuesday night I had already planned to go watch The Time Traveler's Wife with one of my new friends who lost her husband this year as well. Yes, two new widows decided to watch that movie. I'm not going to talk about the movie here, I'm saving that for another post. All I will say is that we both cried...right along with the entire theater. Patty gave me the biggest hug ever in the parking lot after the movie. We both stood there hugging each other and crying our eyes out...people must have thought we were a little crazy. However, it's a strange comfort you get from somebody who knows exactly what you are going through.

Before I went to the movie I decided to go to the mall. I know...shopping. A few weeks ago I saw one of the cutest UofM t-shirts I have seen in a long time at Victoria's Secret. It was way too expensive and I would never spend that much money on a T-shirt. Then the more I thought about it the more I thought I should get it. A year ago, I bought a UofM t-shirt to wear to Shawn's funeral, so I thought why not get one as a way to mark the one year anniversary of his death. Actually, as I'm typing this I think I may have just stared a new tradition for myself. I think every year on August 18 I will buy some sort of UofM t-shirt. I think Shawn would LOVE that!

When I got home from the movie I again had more emails from people. Kristin who has become a great blogging and facebook friend left me a very nice email. I think Kristin summed it up best when she said, "You know that you will never get over losing Shawn. You are getting through it but never over it. No matter what your future becomes from here, Shawn will always be a part of you. Some might say he’s a part of your past, but honey, he’s a part of your future too. Your years with him have shaped you into who you are now and who you will continue to grow to be." When I read that I got tears in my eyes, she is right...I will NEVER get over the loss of Shawn. Shawn will ALWAYS be a part of me and he helped to make me who I am today. Thank you Kristin!

Right around midnight was the last time I talked to Jennie. Well actually it was around 1:00 am when we stopped talking to each other. We talked some about the day, some about Shawn, about me, and we talked about other things. She went and got in the shower, but then she came back and we talked some more. Jennie, who is usually the funny non serious one of the bunch had some really sweet things to tell me. She is one of my 'sticks' and one of my best friends. She has been sleeping with her phone every night this week just in case I need something. I have the best friends ever!

Tuesday was hard, but not as hard as I thought it was going to be. Just like with Christmas, Shawn's birthday and all the other firsts the days leading up to it were worse. I got through the day with the strength that Shawn instilled in me and with the support of my family and the best friends ever.

Before I finally went to sleep on Tuesday I pulled out the huge envelope of letters that the Coach's and players had written me the day after Shawn died. I read their words and how they remembered Shawn. I also looked at a few pictures that I have of the two of us. I remembered the good times that the two of us had. The very last thing I did Tuesday night before I went to sleep was go to my dresser and pull out the shirt that Shawn had on the day he died. I still sleep with two of his other shirts he wore the day before (I have never washed them), but this was the shirt he had on when he died. I still have it in the plastic bag that it came in from the coroner's office. I took the shirt out of the bag and snuggled with it for a few minutes. Then I smelled it and there are parts of the shirt that still smell like him. It was so nice to be able to smell that. The shirt is a red Nike football shirt and it says "Fear Nothing...Dominate everything" I looked at the the shirt and got a smile on my face. Shawn never feared anything, he knew what he wanted and he went for it with all of his might. Maybe by wearing that shirt the day he died and me looking at it a year later Shawn is trying to tell me something. Maybe I need to start living the rest of my life like that. My greatest fear as a wife and in life has come true...my husband is no longer with me. However, I still have life to live and even though I will still have hard days maybe Shawn wants me to start living life that way...to..."Fear Nothing and to Dominate everything."