Time Traveler's Wife

Two weeks ago I started and finished reading The Time Traveler's Wife. It was seriously one of the best books I have ever read. At first I was hesitant to read a story of a husband who "disappeared" on his wife who loved him so much. I quickly found myself wrapped up in the love story of Henry and Clare. I didn't want this book to end, I was actually sad feeling when I got to the end of the book. I'm going to talk a little about the book and the movie in this post and a few of the things that I got out of reading the book. If you don't want to know too much about the book you may not want to read this just yet.
For those of you who don't know about The Time Traveler's Wife I will briefly fill you in. It is an amazing love story of two people Henry and Clare. At first the book is kind of confusing so you have to watch the dates carefully, but then it is easy to figure out what is going on. Henry has a rare genetic disorder that forces him to time travel. He never knows when, where, or for how long he is going to disappear. Clare meets Henry one day and has known him her entire life, although Henry has not yet met Clare. Once the two of them met Henry begins to travel to Clare's childhood and teenage years. During some of Henry's visits when Clare is young he gives her a list of important dates to watch for. Clare writes these dates in her diary so she doesn't forget them. Eventually Henry and Clare become married. The marriage is difficult on Clare because she never knows when Henry will disappear or for how long he will be gone. Some times it's only a few hours, other times it is for days. Clare is constantly waiting on Henry. One thing remains constant for Clare and that is the love she feels for Henry. Henry is her one and only true love. When Henry and Clare decide to start a family they have several troubles. Clare has six miscarriages believed to be caused my the same genetic disorder as Henry. One day Henry travels to the future and sees their five year old daughter that they will one day have together. Their daughter tells Henry some disturbing news at that visit. Something that both Henry and Clare know is going to happen, but something that neither of them want to think about. The relationship between Henry and Clare continues, and events in their life unfold. However, no matter what happens in their life together, you can feel how much these two people love each other.

I cried when reading this book and I bawled when I watched the movie. (By the way the book is so much better than the movie.) When reading about Henry and Clare, you can feel the love that they had for each other. At one point in the book and in the movie Clare tells Henry that while their life is hard because she never knows when he is going to disappear she would never change one thing about their life and she tells him how much she loved being married to him. I think this was probably one of my favorite parts in the book. It kind of reiterated some of the feeling I have for Shawn. I would never have changed a second of our life together, our life was amazing and wonderful. Shawn and I learned things from each other just like Henry and Clare did. I too loved being married to Shawn, and even if I would have known he was going to die when we got married, I still would have married him because I loved him with all of my heart and soul. Even though the pain of losing him is the worst pain I have felt in my entire life, I can't imagine not loving him either. I had twelve amazing years with Shawn. I've said it before, it's better to have loved and lost, than never loved at all. That is Clare's feeling and mine as well.

SPOILER ALERT:
Another part in the book that hit close to home for me came in the form of a note from Henry to Clare, to be opened after his death. I didn't have a letter like this from Shawn but I can almost hear him telling this to me. Henry wrote a note to Clare explaining how much he loved her. He told her how much her love meant to him, that their love was the only real thing in his life that he could really ever trust. Henry goes on to tell Clare that he can't stand the thought of her waiting for him any longer. Henry tells Clare to stop waiting and to be free. He tells her to put his memory deep inside her and then go out and to live life again. He tells Clare one more time that she was his everything. Like I said, I don't have this type of note from Shawn but I can almost hear him telling me the same thing. I know Shawn would want me to go on and continue to live my life, he would want me to be happy. As I read this part in the book the tears were streaming down my cheeks, watching it in the movie I was all out bawling.

This was one of the best books I have ever read before. It is a true love story. It makes you laugh and cry. When reading you get sucked into the lives of Henry and Clare.

When I was done reading this book I could not stop thinking about the love Henry and Clare shared. It was a magical kind of love that only two soul mates are lucky enough to find. It sounds kind of funny because they are obviously fictional characters, but the author did a wonderful job of engulfing us into their lives.

After I read this book I also got a bit of peace from it. Every time Henry would disappear Clare would have to hang on the the memories that she had of Henry because she didn't know when he would be back again. I have done the same, I know Shawn is not coming back to me. So instead I remember all the good times we had, I remember the memories that the two of us made. Now these memories are able to bring a smile to my heart and to my face. I think this book is not only a wonderful love story about two people but at the same time it packs a big message and that is....

True love between two people never dies. People we love are always with us in our lives. They are with us every step of the way, they are with us in our hearts and in our memories. The people we love are always with us...even when we can't see or touch them.

How many of you have read this book? What are your thoughts?

It Came To Me In A Dream

For the last few months I have been wondering what to do with Shawn's wedding ring. Since the time I moved back to Michigan it has been in my bedroom sitting on a shelf next to a YSU football helmet, his necklace, his sunglasses, his eye glasses, his two college football championship rings, and my wedding rings. It's kind of a shelf dedication all to Shawn. When I decided it was time to take off my rings I liked the fact that our rings were sitting on the shelf next to each other. I'm not sure why but when I took my rings off I got some sort of comfort having our rings touch on the shelf.

However, the last few months I have been wanting to do something "special" with Shawn's wedding ring. It just didn't feel right having it sit on the shelf anymore, but I couldn't figure out what I wanted to do with it. I didn't want to wear it around my neck because I already have his thumb print pendant, which I still wear every single day and it gives me so much comfort. For a little while I thought about putting my wedding rings and his in a shadow box, but then after thinking about it I didn't like that idea either. I knew I wanted to do something, but wasn't sure what and my uncreative mind wasn't working with me.

Then last Monday the night before the one year anniversary of Shawn's death the idea came to me in a dream. In my dream Shawn and I were getting ready to go out for a special date night. It had been a while since I had a dream about Shawn, so I was grateful for the opportunity to "see" him and "hear" him once again. Anyways in my dream we were getting ready to go for a special dinner. We were just getting ready to leave the house when he told me he had a surprise for me. I turned around and Shawn gave me a box with a bow on top of it. Inside of the box was a white gold ring. He then told me that he didn't know what finger I would want to wear the ring on so he didn't have it sized. Well the ring in my dream was too big for my fingers so Shawn suggested that I wear it on my thumb just for that night because he wanted me to wear it. We left the house for our special dinner, and I wore the ring on my thumb. The only strange thing in my dream was that I actually couldn't see what the ring looked like, I just knew it was a white gold ring.

The next morning when I woke up I knew exactly what I wanted to do with Shawn's wedding ring. I instantly knew I wanted to make Shawn's wedding ring into a thumb ring for me. That way I could always wear it, it would always be with me, and it wouldn't be just sitting on the shelf. I called a jeweler and asked if they could make me a ring out of my husband's wedding band and he told me sure, to just come with a few ideas and he would draw it up for me. I knew in my head what I wanted the design to look like, but me not being an artist was having a hard time drawing it up for the jeweler. I knew I wanted the ring to be a band style but have a "love knot" in the middle. I started googling images and found exactly what I was looking for. I met with the jeweler and was able to change the design to make it exactly how I wanted it. Below is the picture I found. Instead of yellow gold mine will be white gold...because that is what Shawn's wedding ring is. Then my ring wont have diamonds on the side, because Shawn's wedding ring didn't have that many diamonds. Instead the six diamonds that are in Shawn's ring will be placed at the top where the little cross over knot is. The band will look very similar to the one in the picture. So I found the design on the internet, but I'm still able to make it my own. So what do you all think? It will take three weeks for the ring to be recreated and I can't wait to get it back! As soon as I get it back I will post a before and after picture of Shawn's ring. Maybe I will get it back before three weeks, I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

******************************************************************

A few days ago I got a card in the mail from the funeral home in Ohio where Shawn first went right after he died. They sent me a card telling me they were thinking of me on the one year anniversary. The message in the card was wonderful and so very true I thought I would share it all with you. It says....

"Grief is a journey....
We move from seeing
the person by sight
To seeing them in memories...
At first they are too painful,
and every memory breaks our hearts.
Gradually they help us establish the
significance of our loss...
In time, our memories become our
most precious possessions.
The memories wrap
themselves around our being,
And our loved one is reborn
inside of our hearts.
That is called...
The journey of Grief
~Doug Manning

How About Something Happy?

I've been wanting to share this post with you for a week now, but the timing wasn't right. I felt like I needed and wanted to have the last few posts be about Shawn and what I was going through with the one year anniversary. However, now I'm ready and I want to share Sarah's wedding with all of you!

This wedding was the best wedding I have ever been too. I'm not just saying that because Sarah is one of my friends, this was truly an amazing wedding. The message of the ceremony was beautiful and I still tears in my eyes when I think about it. It was a great wedding and a great day, although a tad emotional. The wedding took place in a small chapel on a huge golf course. The chapel was very old and it had lots of character, like a tin roof,the old wooden pews, and two amazing white wooden doors that would open when it was time for Sarah to walk down the aisle. The chapel was small, but perfect for the wedding.

I saw Sarah briefly before she walked down the aisle and she was simple gorgeous. In the ten months that I have known Sarah I had never seen her look so happy. I walked into her dressing room to give her mom some flowers and Sarah was putting on her make-up. She looked at me and started jumping up and down saying "I'm getting married today" over and over again. Then she gave me a huge hug and asked how I was doing. I responded with "Good, I mean it I'm really good today. I'm so happy for you that you were able to find happiness once again." Sarah looked at me and gave me a hug and told me that I would too again one day. She was simple amazing looking, and was so so happy.

The wedding ceremony started with Sarah's friend Hillary (now a friend of mine as well) walking down the aisle to light some candles. After Hillary was done Jim and our Pastor walked to the front of the alter. Sarah and Jim's children walked down the aisle each with an unlit candle of their own. Just a little back ground here, Sarah has three children one girl and two boys and Jim has three children two girls and one boy. (Yes, the Brady Bunch) The six children walked down the aisle two at a time each holding an unlit candle. While they were walking down a soloist from our church was signing Amazing Grace. I tried really hard to hold it together and not cry, but seeing those kids walk down the aisle did it and I instantly got all teary. Once the kids reached the alter they each lit a candle with their initial on it. It was so cute watching them all light their candle. Then the Pastor of our church said a few words and asked everyone to remain seated while Sarah walked down the aisle.

At this point and time the white doors entering to the church were now closed. Then they opened and there stood Sarah in her amazing dress and the biggest smile I have ever seen on her face. She practically floated down the aisle, she was so happy, and in love once again. At this point in time I looked a crossed the pew from where I was sitting to one of Sarah's best friends. She was already crying as well. She quietly asked me if I had any Kleenex and I shook my head no. Seriously, why I did not bring Kleenex with me I do not know. So we each both kind of laughed about that. Then our Pastor started the ceremony.

Again, I'm not just saying this, but Sarah and Jim's wedding was the most amazing wedding ceremony I have ever attended. It wasn't your "typical" ceremony. There was so much love inside that little chapel and everyone in there knew exactly what Sarah had been through, and Jim as well. Our Pastor started the message of the ceremony and the tears instantly started flowing out of my eyes. I knew it was going to be emotional, but I had no idea how the message of the ceremony was going to get to me. I know I'm not going to do as great of a job telling you all, but I'm going to try and share with you the best that I can because the ceremony was so touching. Pastor started the ceremony talking about what it means to be married, what you do for each other and what you give to each other in a marriage. Then he started to say that God did not create man and woman to be alone, he created them to be together. Together to love each other, to find happiness and to support each other. People were supposed to be together, and not be lonely. Keep in mind this is about two minutes into the ceremony and I'm bawling my eyes out.

Then he talked a little bit about Sarah's journey and how even when she didn't want to, and didn't have a choice she was alone (now everyone is crying), he talked briefly about her journey. Then he talked a bit about Jim's journey and how parts of his past have left him lonely as well. Next, he went on to say that when people are lonely they do some odd things. He made a reference to the movie Cast Away with Tom Hanks. For those of you who don't know this movie he was stranded on an island. Well one day a Wilson volleyball appeared, somehow is character cut his hand, hit the volleyball out of anger and left a hand print face on the volleyball. Out came "Wilson" Since Tom Hanks was alone on the island he started talking to Wilson. Wilson was his source of companionship, it was all he had on the island. Well one day while on a raft Wilson floated away from Tom Hanks leaving him alone again and his character cried when Wilson left him. Ok...background that you all need to know here. When Shawn and I watched Cast Away for the first time I cried, I mean totally cried when Wilson floated away...it was awful. Shawn looked over at me and started to laugh because I was crying because a volleyball had floated away. I told him to stop laughing at me that I was crying because the one thing he needed was his Wilson and know he was all alone again. I know...I know...he is just a volleyball that can't talk, back but still. Anyways a few days later Shawn made me my own Wilson and gave me a copy of the movie with Wilson. With my Wilson and the movie Shawn also wrote me a note saying that I would never be alone because I would always have him and Wilson. (insert more tears here) My Wilson is still with me today sitting on my book shelf.

Ok back to the wedding...so Pastor makes a reference to Wilson and what people do and how they act when they are really lonely for feel like they are alone. At this point, I'm crying so hard because I'm remembering the time when Shawn gave me my Wilson. Our friend Collette wraps her arm around me and just snuggles me a little bit. As Sarah and Jim exchange their vows I finally start to regain a little composer and I'm not crying like an all out fool. After they exchange their vows our Pastor starts talking about marriage again and what it means. He reminds all of us that marriage is a very special thing that two people share. He tells everyone in the church to go home and hug their wife or husband extra long tonight, to tell them that they love them, and to never take them for granted. Shocking...but now I'm crying again. This time Hillary turns around to me, grabs my hands and tells me that I will get a chance to be happy again one day, and that we will be doing this for me. Sarah's friends have become my friends and have really embraced me into their lives. When Hillary is telling me this, I was shaking my head and saying I know, but at the same time it hurt just so bad and I missed Shawn more than ever.

Then it was the end of the ceremony and Sarah finally got to kiss her knew husband. She was literally bouncing up and down at the alter with excitement. They kissed and the entire chapel started clapping for them and they walked down the aisle as happy and as in love as two people could possible be. I met Sarah outside and she gave me the biggest hug and told me thank you for sharing this special day with her and her family. I told her thank you for letting me share it with you, thank you for becoming my friend, and thank you for giving me hope. Then she asked me if I had made it through without crying...I told her, "No way, I lost it at Amazing Grace" and we just stood there and laughed.

Then we were onto the reception. The reception was about 25 minutes away out at Jim's farm. Yes, we had a farm reception but it was the classiest farm themed reception I have ever seen! Collette, who was also the wedding coordinator rode with me. We were a little, ok a lot late leaving the wedding and we had stuff to do at the reception before the guests started to arrive so Collette asked me if I would speed. I told her sure, no problem, there are never cops out here. Wouldn't you know as soon as I said that I saw the head lights a flashing. CRAP!!! I was pulled over for speeding...my first EVER ticket!! The officer was actually really nice and only issued me a ticket for going five over, and well I was going a smidge faster than that. Collette kept saying over and over again that she was sorry, and all I could do was laugh. I don't know why, but I thought it was about one of the funniest things. A week later Collette and I are still laughing about it. Anyways, we got to the reception about a half hour before the guests started to arrive. It was a great reception and Collette did a wonderful job planning and coordinating everything. It was simply amazing and we couldn't have asked for a better day weather wise. It was a gorgeous sunny day. A little on the hot side with a temperature of 93, but perfect none the less. Here are a few pictures of the reception. The centerpieces were different sized clear vases. Each vase was filled with white rocks and a variety of sticks. The sticks had little green flowers glued onto them and each vase had a black and white polka dot ribbon tied around it. So unique, classy, yet farm like all at the same time.

Here is a picture of each place setting. Instead of chairs we all sat on bales of hay that were covered in white muslin material. It was great!

This was the centerpiece at the head table. The green vase was just great and on these branches we hung little votive candles.

Next are a few different pictures of Sarah and I. Doesn't Sarah look amazing?!

I had such a great time at the wedding and the reception. I'm so glad I "found" Sarah when I did, she has given me so much comfort and hope over the past ten months of knowing her. Sarah and her friends have now all become my friends and I'm so grateful and blessed to have them all in my life. I'm so happy that happiness has once again returned for Sarah...she deserves to have all the happiness in the world.

Three Days Into Year Two...and Doing O.K.

Well I'm three days into year two and I'm doing ok. Kind of funny how I'm still counting huh? I think I will always be counting now.

Before I get to the 'meat' of the post I want to thank each and every one of you. Thank you for all the comments left on my blog, they were all so sweet, touching and caring. Thank you as well for all of the prayer for both myself and for Shawn, that really meant a lot to me. During the last few days I have also received countless emails asking how I'm doing and people telling me that I have been in their thoughts and prayers. If you are somebody who has emailed me I will be getting back to you in the next few days. A year later it still amazes me the love and support I have gotten from people I have never met. You guys are awesome and I'm happy to call you all my friends.

I stared writing this post on Wednesday but didn't have the words for some reason. The last few days I have been just plain TIRED! I think with all the excitement and emotions that went with Sarah's wedding on Saturday, then leading up to Tuesday, and the day itself I'm just plain wore out. It has been an emotional last few days, heck, it has been an emotional last year and I think the last few days it all caught back up with me. I have been explaining the way I feel to people is kind of like when you were a kid the day after Christmas. You spend several weeks looking forward to something, then the day happens, and then the next day there is a let down and the day is no different. Not that I was looking forward to Tuesday, because trust me when I say, I was NOT, but I had been gearing myself up for it for the last year, and even more so for the last month. I made it through Tuesday ok, but then Wednesday I woke up and my life was no different. I woke up with the feeling of, "ok..you made it through the last year, now this is your life" that in itself was emotional. However, three days into year two I'm doing ok. I know this year will have lots of first as well, first time going back to work, possibly the first time going back to school, possible the first place of my own, the first year of really trying to start living my life again. Again, overwhelming, exciting and scary all at the same time. See lots of emotions I still get to deal with! I know though that I will get through this year with my family, friends, and all of you just as I have this past year.



Many of you have asked how I spent the day on Tuesday, so as with everything else I'm going to share with you what I did on the one year anniversary of Shawn's death. I knew for me to get through the day I needed it to be as 'normal' of a day as possible.



Actually it started on Monday afternoon. I received a card in the mail from one of my best friends Meg. She wanted to tell me that she was thinking about me and praying for me and that if I needed her to give her a call. The card had the best message in it and note from her. Monday night my cell phone began to ring about 6:00 p.m from some of my friends letting me know that they would be there for me all day if I needed or wanted them. Well most of my friends gave me the option. Jennie just informed me that she was going to be calling all day long whether I wanted her to or not. (gotta love her!) Anyways, before I went to bed on Monday night both my parents and my sister got me some beautiful flowers to brighten up my day a bit. These were from my parents and the single rose was from my sister. Pretty huh?

Just before I fell asleep on Monday night I realized that one year that night was the last night that I got to sleep with Shawn in our bed, it was the last night that I got to curl up into his arms and fall asleep, it was the last time that I got to kiss him good night. That brought a few tears to my eyes but I managed not to all out lose it. Then on Tuesday morning I woke up for some reason at 6:30, I never wake up that early unless I have to, but then I remembered that a year ago that morning at that exact same time I gave Shawn his last kiss before he went to work. I'm not sure if that was really the reason I woke up but it was another memory, and a few more tears.

Then at promptly 8:30 just like she said she would Jennie started calling me. Then from there on out Jennie called me every hour on the hour. Her calling actually made me laugh. I would answer the phone and she would say, "Whatcha doin now?" Then we would talk for a few minutes until the next time. She is seriously one of the greatest friends ever!

After my wake up call I decided to get up and go to the gym. I work out every day and I knew that was something I wanted to do on Tuesday. I just feel so much less stress and feel much better after I work out. I had a great work out. I did my usual two mile run and then lifted. All things considered I had a great workout, I really pushed myself that day. At one point during my workout I looked at the clock and realized that it was only one hour until the time of Shawn's death. That left me worked up and with a big lump in my throat. A few minutes after that I left the gym. I wanted to go get flowers to take out to Shawn's grave. I don't know why but I needed to be out at his grave at the time of his death. When I got to my car I kid you not I had about 10 text messages and voice mails from my friends. Have I mentioned I have the best friends ever?!

One of the messages was from a florist. There was a delivery for me and she wondered when I could come pick it up or it could be dropped off. I thought a delivery for me huh? Since I wanted to get flowers for Shawn I decided to pick them up. This beautiful arrangement was from my friend Lora, another amazing friend who was with me at the hospital the day Shawn died. Lora had meeting on and off most of the day, but she told me that if I needed anything, to text her and she would be able to text back and if she really needed to she would leave the meeting to call me. Again, a great friend.

I decided to get Shawn a dozen yellow roses to put at his grave. Well that and an awful tacky looking balloon that was in the shape of a heart and had lips all over it and said "I love you!" Shawn would have hated it, but it made me laugh so I got that to go along with the flowers. I made it out to the cemetery a few minutes before his time of death and arraigned the flowers and balloon. I did my usual...I talked to him and told him I missed him so very much. Then I just kind of sat there for a while and kind of took everything in. I told Shawn that I have no idea what my future hold but whatever happens not to worry because I will always love him, and that there will always be an empty spot in my heart where he belongs. Then I told him thank you for being my Guardian Angel and that I couldn't imagine a better person to watch over me. Then I told him I loved him and left.

I am not kidding you when I say my phone rang non-stop on Tuesday. I seriously think I talked to every single person that I know, some of them multiple times. Three of the Coach's even called me several different times of the day. Those guys have been great as well, and I'm so glad that they are all still in my life. Have I mentioned that I have the greatest friends? I even received a text from some of my friends husbands. How sweet is that? Sarah even called me from her honeymoon two different times to see how I was doing.

Tuesday after the gym my mom and I went out with one of my friends Collette. The three of us just sat and talked about Sarah's wedding while we ate lunch. Collette 'blocked' out the whole day for me just in case I needed something. After lunch I came home and tried to take a nap but my phone just kept ringing. I finally realized I was really tired and I put my phone on vibrate for a while so I could take a quick nap. After a half hour doze I had 5 texts from people. Great friends once again.

Tuesday night I had already planned to go watch The Time Traveler's Wife with one of my new friends who lost her husband this year as well. Yes, two new widows decided to watch that movie. I'm not going to talk about the movie here, I'm saving that for another post. All I will say is that we both cried...right along with the entire theater. Patty gave me the biggest hug ever in the parking lot after the movie. We both stood there hugging each other and crying our eyes out...people must have thought we were a little crazy. However, it's a strange comfort you get from somebody who knows exactly what you are going through.

Before I went to the movie I decided to go to the mall. I know...shopping. A few weeks ago I saw one of the cutest UofM t-shirts I have seen in a long time at Victoria's Secret. It was way too expensive and I would never spend that much money on a T-shirt. Then the more I thought about it the more I thought I should get it. A year ago, I bought a UofM t-shirt to wear to Shawn's funeral, so I thought why not get one as a way to mark the one year anniversary of his death. Actually, as I'm typing this I think I may have just stared a new tradition for myself. I think every year on August 18 I will buy some sort of UofM t-shirt. I think Shawn would LOVE that!

When I got home from the movie I again had more emails from people. Kristin who has become a great blogging and facebook friend left me a very nice email. I think Kristin summed it up best when she said, "You know that you will never get over losing Shawn. You are getting through it but never over it. No matter what your future becomes from here, Shawn will always be a part of you. Some might say he’s a part of your past, but honey, he’s a part of your future too. Your years with him have shaped you into who you are now and who you will continue to grow to be." When I read that I got tears in my eyes, she is right...I will NEVER get over the loss of Shawn. Shawn will ALWAYS be a part of me and he helped to make me who I am today. Thank you Kristin!

Right around midnight was the last time I talked to Jennie. Well actually it was around 1:00 am when we stopped talking to each other. We talked some about the day, some about Shawn, about me, and we talked about other things. She went and got in the shower, but then she came back and we talked some more. Jennie, who is usually the funny non serious one of the bunch had some really sweet things to tell me. She is one of my 'sticks' and one of my best friends. She has been sleeping with her phone every night this week just in case I need something. I have the best friends ever!

Tuesday was hard, but not as hard as I thought it was going to be. Just like with Christmas, Shawn's birthday and all the other firsts the days leading up to it were worse. I got through the day with the strength that Shawn instilled in me and with the support of my family and the best friends ever.

Before I finally went to sleep on Tuesday I pulled out the huge envelope of letters that the Coach's and players had written me the day after Shawn died. I read their words and how they remembered Shawn. I also looked at a few pictures that I have of the two of us. I remembered the good times that the two of us had. The very last thing I did Tuesday night before I went to sleep was go to my dresser and pull out the shirt that Shawn had on the day he died. I still sleep with two of his other shirts he wore the day before (I have never washed them), but this was the shirt he had on when he died. I still have it in the plastic bag that it came in from the coroner's office. I took the shirt out of the bag and snuggled with it for a few minutes. Then I smelled it and there are parts of the shirt that still smell like him. It was so nice to be able to smell that. The shirt is a red Nike football shirt and it says "Fear Nothing...Dominate everything" I looked at the the shirt and got a smile on my face. Shawn never feared anything, he knew what he wanted and he went for it with all of his might. Maybe by wearing that shirt the day he died and me looking at it a year later Shawn is trying to tell me something. Maybe I need to start living the rest of my life like that. My greatest fear as a wife and in life has come true...my husband is no longer with me. However, I still have life to live and even though I will still have hard days maybe Shawn wants me to start living life that way...to..."Fear Nothing and to Dominate everything."

Dear Shawn

Bub~



On August 23, 2008 I wrote you a letter, this was the night before your funeral and I wanted to write you a letter to go with you in your casket. The first paragraph said,
" I never in a million years thought I would be writing you this letter. It is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my entire life, but I wanted to write this for you, so you knew my thoughts and feelings."

Well, this is the second hardest letter I have ever written. As I write you this letter I can't believe it's only thirteen hours away from the one year anniversary of your death. I can't begin to describe to you the amount of emotions that I have right now. I've had this overwhelming sense of peace in me the last month or so and I'm so grateful for that. However, at the same time I have a slightly anxious feeling. I'm also sad because I miss you like I have never missed anyone before. My heart still hurts for you, and it always will, there will always be an empty space in my heart just for you. It's an odd feeling to finally have a sense of peace about losing you but also anxious and sad as well, it's really kind of overwhelming. However, like the letter I wrote you on last August I again write you this letter...I want you to know my thoughts and feelings one long hard year later.

In the letter I wrote you last year I told you that I wasn't mad at you for leaving me. I told you I know you would have never left me unless you absolutely had to. Well, a year later I want you to know I'm still not mad at you. I think there was only one day where I was a little upset, but not mad. I think that one day I just didn't understand why you didn't fight harder to come back to me. I now understand and have accepted the fact that it wasn't up to you. For whatever reason God had a much different plan for you and I than we had in our heads. So I just wanted you to know that I have never really been mad at you for leaving. I have said many times throughout this year that I would marry you all over again even if I knew this was going to happen. I got to spend twelve amazing years with you and those were the best twelve years of my entire life. We did so much together and were so happy. Even if I knew this would have been the outcome I would not have changed one minute of our life together. I loved being your wife, and I loved our small little family of two. I've said over and over again this year, 'Tis better have loved and lost than never have loved at all." I'm grateful for every moment I got to spend with you, even though our moments were cut way to short.

Before you died you always told me how strong I was. You always told me I was stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. You were right...I never really believed you when you told me that. At your funeral and in the days and weeks following several people commented on how strong I was, and that this was the strongest that they had ever seen me. When people told me that all I could think of is what you had told me...that I was a strong person. For that I need to thank you. Before I met you, I was a little flower blowing and bending in the wind. You taught me to stand up for myself, you taught me how to be strong and I think some of your stubbornness rubbed off on me. Because of you I know stand up for what I believe in. I don't think I could have gotten through this year without the strength that you instilled in me. You were my Coach, and throughout our life together you 'coached' me to be the strong woman that I am today. One day this fall I even kind of told off your mom. (I think you would have been proud of me that day!) I know you are still giving me the strength that I need to go forward every single day. For the strength that you gave me when you were alive and for the strength that you are still giving me I thank you so so very much.

Another thing that I have learned over the past year is that you were loved by more people than you could ever imagine. I know things weren't 'ideal' for you at YSU and I know at times it really didn't seem like it, but the Coach's and players really did love and respect you. You made a huge impact on several of the players lives. You mattered to the team. The YSU football family has been a huge form of support for me. Earlier this fall Coach told me that at every one of his speaking engagements he tells the "Shawn Coin Story" he shares with the public what he learned from you. You really did make an impact on that staff. I want you to know one more thing, I'm sure you already know, but I want to tell you anyways. You made some awesome friends while at YSU and those guys have been there for me every step of the way. A year later I still talk to Jones, Holmes, and Smith all the time. Those three guys have been huge for me. They have been there for me when I have needed them the most. They each have told me that they will always be there for me and that we will always be there for each other. The one year isn't officially for a few more hours, and they have all already called to check on me. You picked out some awesome friends for me to lean on. Just so that you know, Jones, Holmes, and Smith love you and miss you more than anything, they tell me that all of the time.

In the last letter I wrote you I also told you I would raise our baby how you and I said we wanted to raise our child. That letter was written just one week before I found out that I was going to have a miscarriage. I still don't understand the why's to that either, but for whatever reason I know it wasn't in God's plan for me to have our child. At first I was really angry about that. I wanted to have our baby so bad, I already loved our baby. I was going to be able to look into our babies eyes and see you every single day and that was going to be amazing. However, after I had the surgery I realized that our baby was now with you in Heaven and I felt really good about that. I knew at that moment I had two of the best most special Guardian Angels watching over me, and that gave me a peaceful feeling as well.

I know this is getting really long, and I know how you love to read long letters (NOT!) so I'm going to wrap this up, but I have a few more things I need to tell you first.

I want you to know that I really am 'ok'. I mean I have my days where I want this all to stop, days where I want my old life back...our old life back. Although for the most part I think I'm doing really well. I have learned so much through not only your life, but your death as well. I think you would be really proud of me. I think I've become a much stronger, more independent woman throughout the year. I'm starting to figure out who "Jenny" is, and I know that is what you wanted more than anything. I think I'm even well on my way to figuring out what I want to do with my life in terms of a career. In the last year I've become a "Big Girl" I've done several things that I never used to do. I now go on road trips in the car alone. I even bought a new car...the one we were just starting to look at a 2009 Saturn Vue and I love it! I think you would approve of the car, it has all the latest safety bells and whistles on it. A few weeks ago I went to see Meg and I flew alone on a plane...I know big deal right? You were with me every step of the way. In October I also got a puppy. I love him probably more than I should, but he really has helped me through a lot. I named him Bo, you guessed it, after your favorite football coach of all time. I took this year to figure out who I was and who I want to be. I know it will take some more time, but I think I'm on my way to figuring it out. Just remember you are helping to mold me into the person I am becoming. I wouldn't be 'me' without you!

I think whoever said this gets easier with time was lying. It for sure doesn't get easier. I think as time goes on I just find ways to deal with it in better. I miss you more and more every single day. I think about you all the time, there hasn't been one hour since you left that I have not thought about you. Not one day has passed where I haven't wanted to tell you something. Like the other day Brooks and Dunn announced they were breaking up. I literally almost picked up the phone to call you. Yes, your phone numbers are still in my phone...I can't take them out. I still go to bed thinking about you and still wake up thinking about you. I miss you more than you know. I miss the touch of your hands, the smell of your skin after you get out of the shower, the feel of your lips, the way we would just talk and talk for hours in our living room, the sound of your voice. More than anything I miss hearing you tell me that "everything will be ok" Even when things were rough I believed you when you told me that. I would love for you to tell me that everything will be ok again. There isn't one thing about you that I don't miss. I would give anything just to have one more minute with you.

I mentioned earlier that I have a peaceful feeling now after a year. I think this feeling comes from the fact that I now know that you are in an amazing place. You are not hurting anymore, you have no stress, you are happy and your life is good. You and our baby our together, the two of you are watching over me every single day. How lucky am I to have two Guardian Angels? Please don't think that just because I'm at peace means that I like this because I don't...I would give anything to have you back. However, I know that isn't possible, so I rest and find peace knowing that you and our baby are truly in an amazing, wonderful, and in a much better place than I am in.

These are my feelings and thoughts over the last year...the hardest year of my life. I wanted and needed you to know how I felt. So I guess this isn't the end, it's just another part of our life together but in a different way than we thought. Whatever happens in my future, YOU will always be a part of me, YOU will always be with me and I will ALWAYS love you! I'm so grateful that every so often I can have a dream about you. Sometimes I wake up sad from them, but at the same time I'm so excited because I got to see and touch you again. I'm so grateful that I can still "feel" you around me, I know you are with me every single day.


I love and miss you more than you know! I can't wait to be with you again one day...your arms will be the first arms I run to.

Love,
Your Angel

P.S~
You jump, I jump

and just so that you know I'm now ready to watch the last few episodes of the West Wing that we have left and I promise you over the next few days I will watch them.

So What's So Special About The One Year Mark?

At Shawn's funeral I remember a number of people telling me, "You will be ok, you just need to get through the first year." At that moment in time I was thinking the same thing. Well actually I was thinking just hurry up and get the first year over with. I wasn't so sure about the 'ok' part right then. With the one year anniversary of Shawn's death just five short days away I have been asking myself the following question... What's so special about the one year anniversary?

There have been periods of time throughout this last year that I wanted time to fly by. I needed time to go by faster than it was, because the days were just too painful without Shawn. My heart hurt from missing him. To quote one of Sarah's songs I was "wishing time away". I needed the time to go by faster so I could get to the "magical one year" quicker. I think I felt this way until I reached the sixth month point. Then at six months I realized, "Oh my gosh!! Shawn has been gone for six months, time needs to slow down a little" Although, I didn't want it to slow down too much. Have I totally confused you now?

I will relate it to the post I did about New Years Eve in a small way. http://taleoftwocoins.blogspot.com/2009/01/good-bye-2008.html Remember how in that post I talked about not wanting 2008 to come to an end because that was another end to "JennyandShawn"? Well now at the one year mark I feel the same way but for a slightly different reason. The part of me that doesn't want this horrible first year to end is the part of me that doesn't want people to start forgetting Shawn. I have a fear (I know a probably irrational one) that now that the one year is just about here that people will slowly start to forget about Shawn, who he was, and what a great husband he was to me. That thought breaks my heart. It seriously makes me want to cry. I will ALWAYS remember and love Shawn and I want others to always remember him as well. Is that selfish of me? I also have to say that I'm a little afraid of what crossing into year two means for me. Are people going to automatically assume that my life is all great and good because I made it through the one year? I think some will and some will not. Are people going to understand that in year two I'm still going to have bad days? Again, I think some people will understand, but I think some will not as well. In year two are my friends going to get sick of me having 'bad' days? I highly doubt it because I have the best friends ever, but I also wonder if they ever get 'sick' of me calling crying. I know and I really do believe that this year is going to be better. I know I have big things in store for me. I'm still trying to figure me out and I also now that I deserve happiness once again. I also however know that bad days will sneak up on me during this second year.

Several people have told me that year two is in many ways harder than the first year because the shock has totally worn off and reality has set it. Well, I'm choosing not to believe that! What an awful thought! I may eat my words later this year but other than being lonely I really don't see how it could get worse. Reality set in for me the second the doctor told me that Shawn didn't make it. Reality was going to say good-bye to Shawn in the hospital room, still attached the the amboo bag. Reality was going to bed that first night without him, waking up the next morning alone in our bed, and doing that every morning and night sense. Reality was picking out his favorite UofM jersey and jeans so he could be buried in it. Reality was kissing his casket before it was buried in the earth. Reality has been living each and everyday of this year without him. Reality will be going to the cemetary on Tuesday to put flowers on his grave and see his name staring back at me. I can't imagine the second year being anymore real. Like I said I may eat my words, but for now I have to believe that year two will be much better.

So before I stare year two into the face I ask myself again..."What's so special about the one year mark?

To be honest with you, I really don't know what makes the one year so "special". Is it the fact that I've....
-gotten through all of the "firsts",
-lived 365 days without Shawn when I was used to living every day with Shawn,
-started to find my "new normal",
-begun to smile, and make new memories,
-realized I want to again be happy one day,
-been blessed with several amazing friends that I would have never of met had Shawn not died,
-that I still think about Shawn every single day through all the great memories I had with him,
-made it through the worst two things events in my entire life.

Is it the fact that Shawn...
-is in a much better place right now than I am,
-and our baby are together in heaven,
-and our baby are now my two Guardian Angels
-our baby and I will all see each other again one day
These are the things that I'm deciding makes the one year special. I don't think it's so much about me as it is about Shawn. The one year mark is about remembering him, and how great he was. I'm still not a hundred percent sure how I will spend Tuesday. I think for me in a totally selfish way I need to make it as "normal" of a day as possible, but at the same time I want to spend some time remembering him, what he did, what he enjoyed, and what he loved. Last summer we bought and watched the entire season of the West Wing. The day Shawn died, we had only four episodes left...I may just watch the remaining four. I think he would be happy if I was finally able to watch and finish our favorite show.

As this first year without Shawn comes to an end I know it does not mean that I will ever stop missing or loving him. I miss Shawn so so much...I miss him more now then the very first night without him. Everyday I miss him more. My heart still aches for him and still has a very empty feeling, that part of my heart will always belong to Shawn. I will ALWAYS love Shawn, he will always be my one and only first love, he will always be the person I wanted to grow old and gray with, I will love him every single minute of my life, I will love him until the day that I die and we are reunited again.

I think more importantly at five days shy of one year since the day my entire life drastically changed I have come to feel a peaceful feeling. Does this feeling mean that I like any of this? No absolutely not. I still HATE the fact that this is my life and that Shawn is no longer here on earth with me. I will still have bad days. What it does mean is that I have accepted what has happened. I am no longer asking the why's to this. There is no reason to ask these questions any more. There are no answers to any of the questions. As my friend Sarah says, "This isn't the life I would have chosen for myself, however, this is the life that God has chosen for me, and I have to walk in it the best way I know how" That is what this peaceful feeling has meant to me. I don't have to like it, but I need to take what I have learned from the loss of Shawn and start applying it to my life. Over the last year I have learned so much about myself, things I don't know if I would have figured out before. I also know that I have a lot more to figure out yet, but I think that is going to be an ongoing process.

And you know what else...at almost a year I can now say that the days are starting to get better, that I am smiling a bit more, and that I am looking forward to living my 'new life'.

You Asked...Now I Answer!

Wow! I can't believe what a great turnout I had to my last post! You all asked some really great questions. Many of you said you wanted to know the answers to the questions that were already asked of me, so I will be answering them as well. Thank you so much for asking the questions, they have been fun for me to read and I hope you enjoy finding out the answers. So with that I ask you....Are you ready??...it's going to be another long one!



First for the questions that have already been asked...



*What happened to "T"
-To be totally honest we just stopped talking one day. We talked one night about a few different things then just kind of stopped. The two of us haven't even talked since so I really can't say for sure. I think the two of us probably had a 'communication' issue more than anything. I also think what may have happened is that we are each at different places in our lives, and may want different things as well, and that is ok. I have no hard feelings against him and hope that everything works out for him in his future.


*Why haven't I ever talked about Shawn's parents on my blog?
-I'm going to try and answer this the best that I can, while keeping it simple. Since Shawn has died my relationship with his parents has become a bit strained. Over the past year they have said some hurtful things to me. While I don't think they really realize it and I don't think they have really meant it things have been said, and I have felt a little hurt. Maybe it's me, maybe my emotions are too high right now, but there have been several times where I have felt hurt and upset. This fall there was an issue and I was going to blog about it. I actually had it all typed out, but right as I was getting ready to post it I decided that probably wasn't the best course of action on my part, so I didn't post. I will always love Shawn's family...always, but for the sake of everyone involved I have decided not to write about them or our relationship, maybe in the future it will change, maybe it won't.


*What is my best memory of Shawn?
-Wow! That is a really hard question to answer.You can't be with someone for 12 years and only have one really great memory. All the memories I have of Shawn are great to me. I think one of the best though happened just eight days before he died. That was the day I found out I was pregnant. Many of you already know this, but I had written a note on our bathroom mirror for Shawn to read when he came home. However, he spoiled my plan by using the other bathroom, so he didn't read the note. Darn him!! A few minutes later we decided to run to Target. We had been picking up baby stuff for a while at that point, especially if it was on sale. Shawn happened to find an adorable outfit that he wanted. All of a sudden out of my mouth I blurted out..."great, that will even be the right size for the baby". Shawn stopped in his tracks and asked me what I had just said. Crap!!! I just told my husband in the middle of the baby aisle in Target that he was going to be a Daddy! Classy right? Anyways, I will never ever for as long as I live forget the expression on Shawn's face. He was so so happy!! He looked at me and gave me a huge hug, told me that he loved me, and told me that even though he was nervous he was happy. The look on his face was just amazing! I will never forget it!


*Am I scared to fall in love again?
-In one word no. I am not scared to fall in love. When the time is right and the right guy comes along I can't wait to fall in love. The love that Shawn and I had together was so special, I want to be able to share my love again with another man. I know that Shawn would want that for me again as well. What I am more scared about is not finding the 'right guy' to fall in love with again. To me that is a way more scary thought.


*Why have I decided to be so open and honest on my blog?
-When I first started this blog it was just going to be about our day to day life. No biggie...I didn't even really think anyone would read it. Then when Shawn died, so did the focus of my blog. Instead of sharing our life I decided I needed to share what I was going through. It was therapy for me to be able to get all of my feelings, thoughts and emotions out. Also from day one I've told people that through my pain I will help others. (in case you all haven't figured it out... I like to help people, it's what I do) Nobody deserves to live the hell I have lived the last year. However, with writing my feelings out on my blog I think I may have reached out and helped many people. I have received countless emails over the last 11 months from people saying that reading my blog has changed their marriage. People have told me that they no longer take their husbands for granted because you never know what the next day is going to bring. People have told me that because of me being up front and saying what Shawn died from they went to the Dr and found out they had just had a heart attack, but was able to receive treatment. In the days following Shawn's death I would have never thought that I would be getting emails from other widows asking for my advise, or my help. Through Shawn's death and through being up front, honest and keeping it real on my blog I have met so many amazing people, and have been able to 'help' so many other widows. That is why I continue to be up front and honest and share all of my journey with you.


*What is my ancestry?
-I'm not one hundred percent sure but I think I'm mostly German with some Indian mixed in.


*What have my friends done for me over the past year that has helped me?
-I have to say that I have about the best group of friends ever!! Each and every single one of them have been great. Each of our relationships have changed since Shawn died, they all have gotten much better and stronger. I think the main things that my friends have done is just being there for me. They have been there on good days, ok days, and days that I've called them crying so hard I couldn't even breath. They listen to me when I've needed them to, and they have given advice when I needed a little kick. We have all shared some pretty special moments during the last year. I think one of my favorite moments happened with Jennie, when she took me to a waterfall and told me how she thought that represented my life. It was a special moment between us, that I will never forget. If any of you reading have a friend going through a hard time the best piece of advice I can tell you is just to be there for them. Be there to listen, to talk, be a shoulder for them to cry on, be their comfort and support. Those are the things that will help a friend through a difficult time.


*When I was little what did I want to be when I grew up? How has that changed now?
-When I was little I always wanted to be a teacher, a wife, and a mom. For a while I went through a stint where I wanted to be an actress, but I can safely say that will never happen. As far as how that has changed now. Well, I really don't think it has. I would love to be able to be a wife once again...that was something that I was really good at. I guess I'm kind of old fashion that way. I loved taking care of our house, doing our laundry and cooking for us. Of course if I found the right man I would love to be able to have a family. Again, I think that is something I could be really great at and would take great pride in.


*What do I like to do for fun?
-Well there is an interesting question. I really don't know how much fun I've been having. Although, I can say the fun is starting to return. Shawn and I always used to workout together and we enjoyed it. Since April I have started working out again. I find I really enjoy it. Working out gives me time to think and clear my head. Although I don't know how much fun it is. I have always liked to cook and bake. However, that is something that I also have not done a lot of this year. I'm hoping to get back into it though. I love to be able to spend time and hang out with my friends. I also love to blog...I 'waste' many hours a day having fun blogging.


*How is my physical health?
-As far as I'm concerned I think my overall physical health is pretty good. Back in September I bounced back pretty quickly from my D&C. When everything first happened I lost a lot of weight. I'm talking like close to forty pounds. This winter I started to gain some of it back. I think I'm probably at a much healthier weight for my body type, although now I think I could lose a couple of pounds. In April I started going to the gym and working out again. I can honestly say that working out has helped me in many ways. Not only am I doing something good for my body but it also is a great stress reliever. I find that if I miss the gym for several days in a row I get very moody. Plus working out is starting to give me the muscles I always wanted. I have also started running. I'm up to a little over two miles a day, ran in about 27 minutes. Not great, but I think pretty darn good for a person who has never ran before. So over all I would say my over all physical health is pretty good.

*What type of work am I looking into? How about school, do you ever think about going back?
-The last two months or so I have been looking for jobs. As much as I don't want to I know I will need to go back to work. Although I will never regret taking this year off, I think it has really helped me. Right now I'm looking for part time jobs, just to kind of get me back in the swing of things. I'm looking at anything right now. What I have realized this year is that life is way way to short to work a job that you hate going to everyday. Life is to short to dread going to work and to be pulled in a thousand different directions. I no that is something that I no longer want in my life. With that being said, yes I have thought about going back to school. I'm thinking I would either like to go back and get my degree in Personal Training and work in a gym or health club. Or, the last several weeks I have really began to lean towards going to a local school here and getting my degree in Massage Therapy. When I was in college I did my thesis on massage and found is very interesting. It is a four month accelerated program so I would be done in May if I were to start in January. I missed the cut off to start in September. I think it would be great to then work in a health club or spa and give people massages. I would also like to focus my attention on pregnant woman and infant and children massages.

*Where did Shawn and I go on our honeymoon? What was the most fun thing we did? Anything turn out not-so-great on our honeymoon?
-For our honeymoon Shawn and I went to Nashville,TN. We had been there a few times before we got married and loved it. When Shawn and I had been dating for a little under a year we went there with his family. We both said that was the trip where we started to fall in love with each other. We had tons of fun on our trip, but I would say one of the best memories of that trip was when we went to the zoo. It was a great day and we just had so much fun walking around, looking at all the animals and the attractions. It was a great day. As far as what didn't turn out so well. Both Shawn and I were used to sleeping with a fan, and of course our hotel didn't have a fan. So around 11:00 on our first night there we decided we needed a fan otherwise we wouldn't sleep and we didn't want to be tired. So we went down to the lobby and asked where the nearest drug store was. They told us it was about four blocks away and gave us directions. Or so we thought...their directions were HORRIBLE!! Needless to say we ended up getting really really lost and ended up in an awful part of town. I mean bad, like we saw people shooting at each other and cops taking people down. We didn't even stop at some red lights because we were afraid of what would happen. It was stressful then, but as soon as we got back to our room...2 hours later we laughed about it.

*Will I be attending Sarah's wedding?
-Yes! The wedding is this Saturday and I can't wait!! Although, I'm fully expecting to bawl my eyes out. Not only has Sarah been a huge blessing in my life since Shawn has died, but I also keep telling her that her and her fiancee are giving widows everywhere a little bit of hope to hold onto. I'm taking my camera and if it is ok with Sarah, I will post some pictures. It is going to be a beautiful wedding.

*What gets me through each day? What and who do I lean on?
-To be totally and brutally honest with you, I really have no idea what got me through those first two months. Those were some dark and lonely times. I really remember very little of what I did, or how I did anything. Then in October just eight weeks after Shawn died I met Sarah and she had just passed the one year mark of her husbands death. I'm not sure what it was but after I the first time I met her I had a bit of hope return to me. She had made it through the year....and she was living...and smiling...and making new memories. The first night I met Sarah she told me to live one moment at a time and to take everything one day at a time. I've always been a big planner, and to some extent I still am. However, I have also come to realize that no matter what the calender on your refrigerator says...things change...things happen...life doesn't go according to what you penned out at the start of the month. I've really learned to live life one day at a time. There have been many days where I've lived moment to moment because that was all I could do, anything more hurt too much. I've learned to breath in, and breath out and get through each day to the best that I can. What and who have I leaned on? Two words...family and friends. My parents and family have been wonderful to me and let me move back in with them until I was able to figure things out a bit more. They took care of me and where there when I needed them. As I've said before, I have the greatest group of friends anyone could ask for. They have been there for me every step of the way. They were there with me in the ER, at my house with me, and drove the five hours for the funeral. The day that Shawn's autopsy came in I called Jennie. She sat with me on the phone, and cried with me as I read her every word, not many could do that. I can also honestly tell you that I would have never of gotten through this without the love of my friends and their support. At just shy of a year later, each and every one of them continue to be there for me. Dang it...I'm crying now. I will also be honest and tell you that I've also come to lean on God. As you know until Shawn died I never went to church. I believed in God, but I didn't want some person telling me what to believe in, or how to believe. However, I've come to realize and understand is that although I may not like what happened, it happened for a reason. I will never know the why's to any of it, but what I have to believe and put my trust in is that God does, and that he has a plan for me and my life.

*What would I pick as my last meal?
-Something Mexican, dripping in cheese sauce. Probably a chicken chimmichanga.

*Would I ever eat another human if it was offered to me in a foreign country?
- No! I would rather starve!

*Coke or Pepsi?
-Diet Coke...all the way!

*If I could buy any pair of shoes what would they be?
-I would love love love to be able to buy a pair of Chriatian Louboutin. I think they are amazing shoes.

*If I had to pick between being blind and deaf what would I chose?
-I would choose to be deaf. I can't imagine what it would be like not to see my surroundings, not to see my family, my friends and their kids, or the ocean, or the blue summer sky. I think if I was blind I would find it be a very panicked type of feeling.

*If I could leave today and go on any vacation where would I go and who would I take?
-I WISH!!! I would for sure head to an all inclusive resort, sit on the beach with a good book, swim in the beautiful water, have a few fruity drinks and relax. I would take four of my best girlfriends with me. We would have a blast!

*If I could be any animal for a day what would I be?
-I think I would like to be a giraffe. I think it would be so neat to be able to see the world from and entirely different height perspective. They get to look down at everything and see what is going on, I think that would be kind of neat.

*How am I doing financially without Shawn? How is it that I have not yet gone back to work?
-I've been waiting for someone to ask me that question :) I'm not going to lie to you...I'm in by no means rich! I mean it seriously I'm not! Shawn and I had just gotten to the point where were were able to start paying things off. The only reason I have not yet had to go back to work is because I moved in with my parents after Shawn died. There for I don't have to pay for rent, utilities, or food. I do pitch in around and help buy food and I of course by what I want or what I need for myself. My parents wanted to be able to do this for me so I could take the year and grieve how I needed to, they wanted to give me the time to start to figure things out for myself. I'm just now really starting to feel like I would like to move out and get a place of my own. I think that is going to be my next big challenge, I've never lived a lone before, but I kinda think it might be fun. Also, eight days before Shawn he was 'given' a check for back pay that he had worked the year before that had some how gotten messed up in payroll. I was still given that check and that has been what I have been 'living' on. That is also money that I have used to pay off a huge chunk of credit card bills that the two of us acquired over the years. Shawn also had a life insurance policy, although I haven't touched it! It is in a bank and I'm saving it for my future whatever that holds. So yes, if it wasn't for my parents I would be in an entirely different financial situation that what I'm in currently. I will be going back to work shortley and will begin to earn my own money once again, and will then be supporting myself. First, I have to find a job that will assist me in that area.

*Will I continue my blog even though a year has passed?
-Yes!! I can 100% tell you that I will contiue to write my blog. This blog has been such a huge form of therapy for me, it has helped me cope with things in many different ways. Many times it is my oulet for my thoughts, feelings and emotions. Even though a year has passed I still have a lot of life to live, my new journey has really just begun and I still want to share that with you all. I know I have alot more to go through yet, there will still be the down times, but I'm also hoping that many more up times will occure this year as well. I want to be able to share this with you all just like I have the past year. Besides, I can't imagine not reading what is going on in your lives as well! I've said it before but I'm going to say it again. This blog has been a huge form of support for me. I have met so many wonderful and amazing people through my blog. People that I have never met before but who pray for me ever day. People that have told their friends and family about me. People that leave me the sweetest comments every day. People that I have never met in person, but yet have a connection with, people that I would love to be able to meet one day. My readers have become my friends and I'm so grateful for each and every one of you as well. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of your kind words, support and encouragement! You all mean so much to me, you are all my friends.

Alrighty...there you have it, the answers to all of your questions! I hope it wasn't too long putting my answers in one big post, but I kinda thought it would be better that way. Thank you so much for all the great questions. I really enjoyed answering them and I hope you enjoy reading my answers as well.

You Ask...I Answer

I have an idea for a post and I would like you all to help me. Actually, without you and your help this post will never happen. Please read on for further details. :)

Just so that you all know I read each and every comment that is left on my blog. I love reading your comments and each of you have brought me strength and comfort during this last year. Once again thank you for all the love and support. You all rock!!

This week while reading your comments I began to notice that some of you were asking me questions in your comments. A few days ago I got an email from a reader and she had a few questions for me as well. That is where the idea for this post came to me. Instead of answering each of your questions separately I thought I would open the questions up to all of you and then answer them in a post one day.

That's right...I'm giving all of you the chance to ask me any question that you would like. Then I will answer them all in a post. Some of the questions I have already been asked are...
1. What's the deal with "T"?
2. Why don't I ever talk about Shawn's parents?
3. What is the best memory I have of Shawn?
4. Am I scared to fall in love again?
5. Why have I been so open and honest about my life on my blog?

So go ahead...think of any question or questions that you would like to ask me. Nothing really is off limits. I have been totally up front and honest with you this far. However, if I think a question is inappropriate I will either not answer or try to give it my best explanation as to why I'm not answering. Although, I really doubt any of you will ask me anything all that inappropriate.

Have fun with this! I think it will be really fun for me to answer the questions as well, and I'm looking forward to answering them. Think of any questions you have been wondering about or have been dying to ask me since you started reading my blog. I will leave this post open until late Monday night. Then I will gather all of the questions and will answer them all for Tuesday's post.

Have a great weekend! and have fun thinking of great questions!!

Stupid Things People Have Said to Me...

I don't know what it is about being a widow but over the last year people have said some pretty stupid things to me. I mean things that I would never dream of saying to people. Let alone say to a person that just lost her husband and baby. I don't know if it is the fact that people don't know what to say to me, so they say the first thing that pops into their mind. Maybe I make people feel awkward and uncomfortable in turn making them nervous, allowing them to say stupid comments. I really don't know what it is, but I tell you over the last year I've heard some wonderfully stupid comments. I thought for this post I would share a few of the 'good ones' with you.

*Just minutes after I found out that Shawn had died the nurse that was "assigned" to me looked at me, put her hand on my shoulder, looked me straight in the eye and said, "I know this is awful right now, but you are going to be ok again one day."
O.k, I get that this is her job, especially in a situation where a sudden death has occurred. However this was NOT what I needed or wanted to hear at that particular moment. I especially didn't want to hear it from a person whom I didn't know. More than anything I didn't want to hear that I was going to be "ok" from a person who as far as I was concerned hadn't become a widow when they were only 30 years old. You know what...? Almost a year later I am 'ok' but I still don't think that was the right time to tell me that.

*On the day of Shawn's funeral I was coming out of the bathroom at the funeral home. Another lady was going into the bathroom. She looked at me and said, "I don't think I have ever seen you in your glasses before. Why did you decide to wear them today?"
To this day I'm not even all that sure who she is. Which probably explains why she had never seen me in my glasses before. I said nothing to her, I just looked at her and walked away. However, what I really wanted to say is, "Well you dumb ass, I'm wearing my glasses because I have been crying every day for a week straight and my eyes are swollen up and they hurt like hell. I thought my glasses were a better alternative to my contacts."

*A day or so after I found out about the baby a person actually said to me, "Well maybe you are having twins and the baby that isn't going to make it is just in front of the other one. Make sure you get another ultrasound before you have your D&C"
At this point I had already had blood work and about three different ultrasounds. I knew there was only one baby inside of me. I knew I was either going to miscarry on my own or have a D&C. I was in shock that somebody would even say such a thing to me.

*A few weeks after the funeral but still before my D&C (I think) I had decided to get out of the house for a short while. I ran into someone who asked me how I was doing. I responded with the usual "I'm ok" This person looked at me with this sad pathetic look on their face and said, "I have no idea how you feel. I've tried to imagine myself in your shoes and I just can't even begin."
To this person I responded, "Don't put yourself in them, they aren't good shoes to be in" Again I was baffled that a person would for one imagine what it was like, to imagine what I was going through and for two say that to me. I mean come on!

*During this same time somebody else asked me about getting out of the house and they were glad to see that I wasn't sitting at home and was starting to venture out. They asked me if it was easy for me to be going out again.
I told this person that I knew getting out of the house is what I needed to start doing. What I really wanted to tell her was that my husband died six weeks ago, and no it's not easy going out. Everywhere I go I see happy married couples, or happy married couples with a baby. I hated going out then. At a year later I go out all of the time, but there are still those times when seeing those happy couples sting a little.

*Hang on to your seats for this one! I still see red when I think about this! A month after Shawn had died I called the hospital because I was requesting his medical records. I told the lady what had happened and that I was no longer living in Ohio. She asked if I had received Shawn's death certificate yet. I told her no I had not that I was told it was going to take a few months. She told me that without the death certificate listing me as his wife they could not release the records to me. When I asked why she said, "Well you are telling me you are his wife, but how do I know that for sure. Yes you maybe his wife, but how am I supposed to know you didn't kill him without the proper documentation?"
Yes, you read that right, a lady in Medical Records was saying that the records couldn't be released to me because they weren't sure yet if I had killed him. I will not repeat to you how I handled this situation. Lets just say I was not nice, polite, or shy in any way shape or form.

*Ok, this is one of my personal "favorites" I think I've mentioned this before but I'll share it again anyways. One of the days that I had begun to venture out after the D&C I ran into someone at the mall who I didn't really know. They said they knew me through so and so. Anyways they asked me how I was doing. I gave my usual "ok" Then this person had the nerve to ask me, "If you could chose to have one back what would you pick? Your baby or your husband?"
Huh? What? I couldn't even respond to this question. I just looked at her and shook my head. What in the hell would allow that though to enter into your mind? Let alone ask it to a person who in the last month buried her husband and had a miscarriage. I swear to you people don't have a filter on their mouth.

*This one is also a personal favorite of mine. Around Christmas time I went to a dinner at my Mom's church with her. There wasn't a lot of room left so we sat with some of the older ladies in the church. My mom and sister had to do something for a few minutes so I just sat at the table. One of the ladies asked me if I was Beth's daughter. I said yes I was. She asked me my name and I told her. She then said, "Are you her oldest daughter whose husband died and had lost their baby?" I responded with shaking my head yes and saying, "Yes, that is me." She then looked at me and said, "Well you look really good, I wouldn't think someone who has gone through all of that would look so good."
This actually made me laugh a little. What the hell did she expect? My hair to be sticking straight up, miss matched clothes and me dragging a keg behind me? I know this nice old lady didn't mean anything harmful by it, but it really did strike me as funny.

I've been told by people that I was too skinny. That because I typically have my hair and make-up done that I must be doing really well. (This is what I look like when I'm out...people would be shocked to see what I look like on days I sit at home) I've been told that I'm doing too well, that I look like I bounced back to quick. Last week I was at Target and the lady at the checkout asked me if I was married to Chris somebody. I told her no, I wasn't. She asked me if I was sure. I said yes I was sure. Once again she asked me, "are you sure you aren't married to Chris?" I was getting a little irritated so I responded with "Yes, I'm a hundred percent positive I'm not married to Chris" Then she looked at me and realized I didn't have a wedding ring on and says, "Well I guess you are right, you don't even have a ring. It's a shame you are such a pretty lady" Ok...I couldn't take it any more and said, "Well I was married for almost eight years to a great guy, but he passed away last summer." Without skipping a beat she said, "Oh my you must me joking, you are way to young!"

See? Over the year a lot of stupid things have been said to me. I would like to think that people really aren't this clueless, this rude, or this thoughtless. But then again who knows. I think what it comes down to is that people just don't know how to respond, they don't know what to say or how to act. So in turn they say the first thing that comes to their mouth without really thinking about what they are saying. Instead of saying all of these stupid things I wish sometimes that people would just say that they are sorry.

Checking In

Boy I don't know where the time has gone this week. I feel like this week has gone by just so fast. Tomorrow is already Thursday!

I have wanted to post many times this week but I have been busy. I picked up a part time babysitting job a few days a week. I thought this was a small step for getting back into the swing of working. In the fall I will be watching the kids only two days a week, but his week I have watched them everyday. Needless to say I have been gone more than usual. This last week I have also had lots of outings with friends. All in all it hasn't left much time for posting on my blog, or commenting on others. Although, I have been reading! I'm so sorry about that and I hate not posting or commenting. It really does help me get my thoughts and feelings out.

The one year mark of Shawn's death is just 13 days away and I have many thoughts stirring around in my mind. Many of which I'm thinking of sharing with you. I have already shared so much with all of you, I figure why stop now. For now I'm heading to bed. I am so tired!

I will be posting again and soon. Although I still have a peaceful feeling surrounding me I am starting to get a bit anxious about the one year anniversary. I'm not exactly sure what I want to do on that day. Nor am I totally sure how I will be. So if you don't mind, as the day approaches will you all say an extra little prayer for me? I'm really hoping it will be like all the other firsts I've had throughout this year. Where the days leading up to the 'event' are much worse than the actual day.

Stay tuned for more of my jorney. I will post tomorrow.

Thanks for reading, thanks for all the wonderful comments and more than anything thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the kindness and support you all have shown me throughout this year.

A Long Journey to a 'Peaceful' Feeling

As I mentioned in my last post the one year mark of Shawn's death is quickly approaching. In just 16 days I will be staring August 18, 2009 straight in the eye. I can not believe that one year has gone by so incredibly fast. As I've said many times before there is one half of me that feels like the events of August 18, 2008 happened just yesterday. While there is much of the time after Shawn's death that I do not remember, I do remember every detail of that day and I think I always will. Then there is the other half of me that feels like the events of August18, 2008 happened much much longer than one year ago. It is an odd feeling to feel both in my mind and in my heart. Another feeling that I have been experiencing the last few weeks is one of peace. Peace huh? Yes, in the last few weeks I have had a peaceful feeling come over me. In this post I'm going to try and explain this feeling. To get to this peaceful point I'm going to take you on my year journey. Stay with me, it may get long. Correction...I know it will get long, but I think it will be worth it in the end.

In the months immediately following Shawn's death and the miscarriage I had anything but a peaceful feeling stirring in me. I was sad, upset, angry, bitter, and very very lost feeling. I didn't know who I was without Shawn. I know all of these are very normal feelings to have following a death. For the first few months I would just sit either in my room or the living room in my P.J's and watch countless hours of "What Not To Wear" Although, I did learn a thing about fashion I really wasn't doing anything for myself. Again, taking that time was something I think I needed and I don't regret it. After all I wasn't only grieving for Shawn, but for our baby, and for my life how I once knew it. It was going to take time to get to that next stage.


At the end of December, four months after Shawn I did something that I had never in my life done before. Some of you may remember this, but for those who do not here is what happened. One night I was talking to a friend of both Shawn and I. This friend suggested meeting halfway between where they lived and where I lived for a night so we could hang out and talk. Are you kidding me?! I was supposed to drive in winter, in a car, by myself! What?! I know this sounds totally crazy to many of you. But it's true, I had never once in my 31 years of life driven anywhere over thirty minutes by myself. I had either been with a family member, a friend, or with Shawn. I was never what you would call the adventurous type. I told my friend that I would have to thing about it. That night I while in bed I began thinking that my mind set was just plain stupid. I wanted to see my friend, and I wanted to hang out with them. There was nothing preventing me from making the drive. If I ever wanted to go anywhere again, especially to see my friends in Youngstown I was going to have to suck it up, gain some independence and get behind the wheel. Once I made it to our meeting place I was so gosh darn proud of myself. I did it!! Alone!! That moment gave me the push that I greatly needed to make future drives. That is when I started making regular trips to see my friends in Youngstown. Although I still hadn't reached a feeling of peace by a long shot, I was figuring out who I was and who I wanted to become.


People told me that in months 6,7, 8, and 9 things would start to become 'easier'. Huh? I remember thinking...well ok when are things going to get easier...when? For me these were the worst months. I don't know if I felt like this because it was winter time or just what exactly but I cried more in these months than I did in the time right after Shawn's death. I cried A LOT mostly at night time, I was very short tempered, I was scared, and I hated what had happened to me. A 'good' thing that came to me during this time frame was the fact that I did realize that I wanted to be happy again. I realized after not thinking so that yes, I did eventually want to find love again. I realized that I wanted to have another chance at happiness and a family. During this time I also began to really question the 'whys' to all of this. Why me? Why was Shawn the one who had to die? Why did I have to lose our baby, when that was the one thing that would always be there to remind me of Shawn? Why did God 'make' Shawn die? So on top of really facing my grief I had all these questions floating around in my head. No wonder I was such a 'mess' during this time.


I'm getting to the peaceful feeling...I promise! Stay with me!


Finally summer hit...what a relief! If I saw snow or had to feel the cold air for one more day I swear to each of you I was getting on the plane to the next warm, sunny destination. Yes, Kristin I may have been moving in with you down there in Texas. June marked the ten month mark of Shawn being gone. I remember thinking to myself I can't believe that it has already been 10 months. You know what they say..."Time flies when you are having fun!" Yeah, right...it's been a blast!! (note the sarcasm) Anyways, around the end of June I was making another trip to Youngstown. While in the car I was talking to one of my best friends Meg. (the one who lives in Chicago) We started talking about church, about God,why things happen, and how God has helped Meg in her life. Well, our conversation got cut short, but it left me thinking many. many things. I had a great time in Youngstown as always, but was also kind of 'struggling' with these thoughts at the same time.


Then 11 months after Shawn's death I experienced yet another first. As most of you know I got in a plane and flew to Chicago by myself and spent a week with Megan and her family. I carried my own luggage, found baggage claim on my own, checked in by myself, found my way through a huge airport, and made my connecting flight. ALONE!! This is huge people...I'm telling you this is something that I never would have done before. I would have depended on Shawn to help with all of that. You know what? I wasn't even one bit nervous. It was the morning that I left for Chicago that I experienced my first sense of peace and I knew I could do it. I can honestly say that my visit with Megan and her family was one of the best weeks that I've had during this year.


One night Megan and I were driving home from her sister's house. As usual we were talking... I know right two best friends talking...amazing! However, this time we were talking about the baby. I told Megan that I really had come to terms with the miscarriage. I had come to terms with the fact that our baby just wasn't meant to be for whatever reason. I told her that I had accepted all of that, but what I didn't understand and was still trying to wrap my arms around where the whys. Why if all the people that told me they were praying for me and for the baby, why didn't their prayers work? Was it because in the moments after the doctor came in and told me about Shawn, I said that I didn't even want this baby. Gasp now! Yes I did say that, and if I could take back one action of that day it would be me saying those horrible words. That is what I didn't understand. Meg then looked at me and with tears in her eyes she told me that she couldn't explain that. What she did tell me was that she believes that God does have a plan for me. That one day I will find real happiness again. As far as the baby goes Meg again with tears, said she didn't have the answer. What she felt in her heart was that being a parent of a baby with a spouse was hard enough, the hardest job that she has ever had. She told me that she couldn't imagine raising an infant, alone, with no husband. She told me she couldn't begin to imagine grieving the loss of her husband while at the same time loving and taking care of their baby. Then on the other hand she told me what an amazing blessing it would be to have our child and to always see Shawn in them. It's kind of a catch 22 if you think about it. There is no right answer to why I had a miscarriage. There is no right answer to any of it. There is just acceptance and a sense of peace that I have been feeling about all of it. A peace that was finally beginning to come to me at 11 months.


The next morning Meg and I were talking once again. Remember this post: http://taleoftwocoins.blogspot.com/2009/06/deep-deep-thought-i-had.html. This was the post where I talked about the struggles that Shawn and I had. Not struggles with each other or our marriage but with just life in general and the many 'lows' the two of us faced. I asked Meg about it and I asked her this question, "Do you think that Shawn had to die, because the two of us were never going to be one hundred percent happy?" Not one hundred percent happy with each other, but happy with the direction that our life was possibly going. She looked at me and again with tears she told me that all Shawn ever wanted was for me to be happy. She was right...that was what Shawn always wanted and I was lucky enough to know that. Shawn loved me with his entire heart and only wanted the best for me. Anyways, Meg went onto say that over the years she saw my attitude start to change. She told me that when she first met me I was always happy, and upbeat. Then as time went on and as Shawn and I began to face those hard situations time after time, she saw my attitude change as well. She said I was no longer the 'happy' girl she had met in school, that I had happy moments but was also down a lot of the time. She was right. She told me that there is no reason why Shawn died, other than it was in God's plan and it really isn't for any of us to try to understand. She told me that she was grateful that Shawn had taught me so much in our life together. Meg told me that it was Shawn who helped instill the strength that I had been displaying for the last 11 months. She also told me that while this has been the hardest time of my entire life, she has started to see some of the happiness return in me. She told me she was so proud of me for doing things that I never would have done before. Later that night we all went to bed pretty early. It was then while I was laying in bed thinking about what to do on the one year mark of Shawn's death that I had a total sense of peace, comfort, and calmness come over me. It came out of no where and I was actually kind of shocked by the feeling.

This feeling has now been with me for about two and a half weeks. Does this new peaceful feeling mean I will no longer have bad days. Absolutely not! I could have a bad day at any given moment, and you know what, I think that is totally normal and to be expected. As a matter of fact the other day at the gym I found myself in tears out of no where. There was no trigger, just instant tears. I left the gym and found myself out at the cemetery. I think I just needed to be with Shawn for a while, I needed to 'talk' with him and to feel close to him. I had one heck of a good cry and then was 'ok' the rest of the day. What this peaceful feeling does mean is that I am no longer going to ask they why's to all of this. Asking these questions is not going to change one...single...thing. Asking the why's is not going to bring Shawn, our baby, or my old life back to me. All it is going to do is continue to make things harder for me in my healing process. I can no longer ask these questions. I have to accept what has happened and learn from them.

This peaceful feeling also doesn't mean that I have to like what happened to me. To be one hundred percent honest with you all, I still hate it! I hate that I no longer get to see Shawn every day, I hate the fact that I can no longer smell him, talk to him, feel his arms around me, or hear Shawn say he loves me and that everything will be ok. I hate all of that, but at the same time I have to start living my new life, the life I never thought I would be living. As my friend Sarah says, "This isn't the life I would have chosen for myself, however, this is the life that God has chosen for me, and I have to walk in it the best way I know how" That is what this peaceful feeling has meant to me. I don't have to like it, but I need to take what I have learned from the loss of Shawn and start applying it to my life. Over the last year I have learned so much about myself, things I don't know if I would have figured out before. I also know that I have a lot more to figure out yet, but I think that is going to be an ongoing process.

For the last several weeks I have really been thinking and praying about what to do on the one year of Shawn's death. I have a few ideas but I still don't know exactly what I want to do on this day. I'm guessing as the day draws closer the perfect way will come to me. When I packed up our house in Youngstown I donated most of Shawn's clothes to the football team. I kept some of my favorite items of Shawn's and put them in my closet here at home. As I was going through our closet in Yougstown I took all of Shawn's T-shirts. There was A LOT of them. I picked out my favorite ones and set them aside. My mom told me she would make a quilt of of these t-shirts for me. When my mom was off of work during Christmas time she wanted to know if I was ready to cut up the shirts so she could start the quilt. At that moment the thought of cutting up his shirts put me in tears. At that time I was NOT ready to cut up his clothes. However, with this new feeling of peace I am now ready. It dawned on me that it is kind of silly to keep a big Rubbermaid tub in my closet filled with Shawn's shirts. It is only taking up room. Keeping the shirts doesn't mean Shawn is coming back to wear them. They no longer smell like Shawn, they smell like plastic. So sometime in the next few weeks I'm going to start cutting them up and laying them out how I would like the quilt to look, so my mom can begin sewing it. Then after it is finished I will put it on my bed. Does this mean I will not cry when I begin to cut them? I'm totally expecting to have tears as I start to cut up the shirts, but again that is ok.

Two more things and then I'm done with this post...I promise. If you made it this far I'm about sure you are ready to dig your eyes out. If you have made it this far...I thank you.

This peaceful feeling has also helped me to realize that I will always and forever be effected by Shawn's death, but in a much greater way than losing the love of my life. Shawn and I grew up together, we learned a lot from each other, we went through a lot together, and Shawn instilled in me the strength that I didn't even know I had. For his love and for his gift of strength I will be forever grateful to him. I will love him for ever and ever, nothing and nobody will ever change that. However, by living through this last year I have also realized that Shawn's death has helped to define who I am and who I will be in the future. I look so many things differently now than I did almost a year ago. I've learned to enjoy life a bit more and to not take it for granted. I try really hard not to sweat the small stuff, I try to go with the flow a little bit more than I once did. At the end of every day I try to remind myself to be thankful for at least one thing.

Ok, last thing and them I'm done. Again, as many of you know before Shawn died I never went to church. I mean never! I can't begin to tell you the last time I was in a church. Since his death I will tell you that with the help of my friend Sarah, and her friends that are now my friends as well, Marnie, Collette and Sandy I have now started attending a church. Do I go every Sunday...no I don't, but I would say I go on a regular basis now and if I were a beating person I would have to say that this is where some of this peaceful feeling has come from as well. There have been times that I have been brought to tears when listening to the message for the day and other times where I listen and take in the message but it doesn't really 'hit' me like others have. Today however was a message that really spoke to me. Today the Pastor began a six week series on "How to Live Life Through Troubled Times" This could really be any problem in your life, not just death. Today's message really touched me. He said sometimes in life there are no answers, that things just happen. Sometimes we are left with no answers and these are the times when we need to put our trust in God and that is what will help you through that difficult time, this is where the peace and comfort will assist you.

Thank you for reading this, I know it got really long, but I wanted to share this with you, as you have all been there every step of the way. At the end of today's message the Pastor put up the following set of words on the screen. As I read these words I again felt that feeling of peace and calmness. I'm going to end this post by leaving these words for you all to read and for you all to take your own meaning from.

"Some things in life you can not escape, but you will live through them and become better because of them."