My heart is shattering...

*This was written a bit ago, just publishing it finally.*

into fine shards of very sharp glass...

I've been trying to maintain an appearance that everything is ok. But it's not.

I've been holding back the tears and anger for my kid's sake.

I've taken down their pictures because, even though they are my children and I should be able to share their beauty and my pride with the world, I won't be able to it.  They are victims and I don't want to victimize them further. I don't know, maybe I'll change my mind about this...maybe I am overreacting. I just don't know right now.

The topic of sexual abuse and incest has been flying through my house, names and situations are being given and I am trying to appear open and as if this is all ok.

I'll be brutally honest.

I want blood and even then, it wouldn't be good enough, not even close.

But these motherfuckers will walk free, they will molest and rape again.  My kids will never see justice, just like I've never seen it for my own situation.

I have called the people who have contact with the kid's older cousins on their bio mother's side. The oldest has two baby girls and her mother has a baby girl as well. I am so afraid that I am already too late. I didn't know they were all living with two of the abusers.

When will the cycle end? My abuser has abused at least two generations of his own family (his daughters and their children) besides me and possibly his current wife's sister that I know of and he has never been punished for it.  He walks free. Now one of my nephews (not any that have been in my house) has abused one of my nieces/daughter.

I sit here and listen to my kids tell me about the touching and the oral and the rape and apparently, their father cleaned them up, lined them up on the sofa so guys could come and "choose" the one they want to take to a room.  He would even point certain ones out. I don't know for certain if it was in exchange for drugs or money or both...it takes everything not to cry, vomit, scream, kill.... the 3 youngest were no older than 4 years old.

I thought about counseling, but I know my kids won't tell anyone else. It took what they had to open up to me. Maybe someday...but not now. I think if I were to try to bring a counselor into the mix my kids would shut down. Especially after the last therapist did such a mind fuck on them and actually tried to triangulate US against each other.

They shouldn't know these things,  especially not from people who were supposed to love and cherish them and nurture them...

My mind is in a state of shock. I keep messing up on things and forgetting, like I am walking in a cloud. It's official, there is not one person in my house who hasn't been abused in all forms (physical, mental, emotional, sexual). Not one.  There are seven of us and I can only shudder when I think of how much more is going on out there.

I hear numbers like 1 out of 6 girls/women and 1 out of 33 boys/men and I think they may be grossly wrong. I think it's happening more than people want to believe.

I'm not ignoring my blog, I'm still doing the "Big Clean" on my house...right now, it just feels like anything I write is just trivial. I know life goes on. But somethings are just too hard to swallow.

PS. Dia , if you read this, I will e-mail you soon about MA.

PPS. Sorry about the blog layout changes. I have a large widescreen monitor and had no idea it wasn't adjusting properly. I just assumed it was scaling for everyone. Hope this one works better. Let me know if it doesn't. Thanks.

Just wondering...

Does anyone live in Massachusetts or know anything about the Springfield area?

Thanks :-)

Small update

I know I've been remiss in updating my blog (what else is new) and I've just changed my blog doohickey to the new blogger editor....looks like there is some interesting new toys up there. I haven't been feeling so great but The Big Clean of 2010 is still going and I've had my first true throw down with the oldest.  Stupid, stupid girl. I'm not one to go for the "teenager" excuse. As my mom will tell you, I never did any of those stupid things and boys weren't even an issue in my life. Getting the hell outta Dodge and becoming something was my priority...yet look where I sit? The very place I never wanted to be. Don't get me wrong. It's not a pity party I'm throwing, it's more that I am still stunned by the whole thing almost 4 years later. I sometimes go over it and try to figure out where exactly I went wrong.  

I have to admit, I feel somewhat like they do. I thought things were getting better around here and perhaps they were and that's why the girl lost her shit...she was losing ground and control around here so she panicked (that's for another post). But children or not, we were all put into a situation we didn't ask for around here. I've found myself often feeling the way she does about the situation. But I'm just supposed to ignore that and take the abuse too? I don't think so.   I wouldn't take half the crap I've put up with from a bio child. I really need to get past the whole  "my sister's kids" thing... but even then the kids would be extremely shocked to learn what kind of mother to my own children I would be.  Probably not what they would expect (but that too is for another post). 

We are stuck together whether we like it or not.  

Friends

I've been thinking about this since I talked to my sister about my nephews several weeks ago. One of my nephews (E) is really outgoing but doesn't take crap from anyone. My other nephew (I) seems to have a "use me" sign written across his forehead. He is picked on a lot but even so he considers everyone a friend. SS was that way, until I had a talk with her. Anyhow, my sister was going on and on about how she told "I" there is no such thing as friends and that he doesn't have any friends and doesn't need any friends. I thought that was pretty harsh. I know what she's worried about but I don't agree with her.

I have the opposite problem with my kids, they can see a kid across the way, hear another child say that kids name and even though they never spoke to either child, they will say "My friend so and so asked so and so to do this today." Crazy huh? I mean neither of those children know my kids exist but my kids will insist they are "friends" and some how add themselves to that scenario even though they were not a part of it at all. Anyhow...

I know my nephew "I" is dying to have friends. So much so that I believe that is why he is being stepped on. He's meeting really rotten kids who blame him for stuff, steal his toys or break them. He doesn't tell my sister because he knows that she will put her foot down and tell him that kid is no good. I worry that my sister has gone to the extreme and she's actually going to push my nephew into keeping things secret and that might lead to even more trouble. I feel like she should be teaching him the difference between a friend and a person who is no good.

But that's where my dilemma begins... I don't have many friends. I'm not good at keeping up with other people. I never have been. Plus, I've always had "needy" friends. People who take and take and never really give. I think that's why it was such a hard blow when my friend Karlton died. He's the only one who truly took the time to get to know me, even though I didn't even know myself. I trusted him with my ATM, my car keys and even with my abuses and panic attacks that I had never told anyone about. When I ended up in the ER and they tried to commit me, he was the one I called.

He wanted to know my favorite color, my favorite food, etc...little things. I still have the praying bear he gave me for my birthday, with card attached. He's the only friend I've had that has ever celebrated my birthday by giving me a gift (after HS) and I've cherished it. The day meant something to him, or at least that's how he made it seem. I was so suspicious of him at first. I was always used to someone wanting something from me. A ride, money, a place to stay, babysitting, etc... that's why I don't know how to suggest to my sister that she ease up on my nephew. I mean, I suck at friendship.

Some of my friends were supportive, but when all this came down with the kids disorders and my nieces dying and just everything. Everyone really scattered. I know for some my situation has been overwhelming and it's better to just let me fade away so they won't have to feel uncomfortable. I know for others, I'm just on a different planet now and lifetimes away from their lives. Others, I don't know, maybe my life stresses THEM out. Maybe, after some of my friends basically did the equivalent of slapping me in the face, I put my guard up higher than ever....Some I get others I will never know.

Bottomline, I've turned into one of those "shitty" friends. Don't get me wrong. I haven't been a quality friend in ages. I was already extremely guarded when Karlton came along and I didn't let my guard down for anyone else. Not completely anyway. It's been a hard road back to good.

I tried really hard to make friendships and keep an open mind as a GS leader but I was repeatedly stabbed in the back. I was naive and gave too much credit to those of my same religion. One of my sayings is that even the devil goes to church and somehow I still was blindsided by the whole thing.

It's been really hard for me to try and form Internet or blogging relationships as well. Sometimes, I'm as guilty as those who have left me behind. I don't think it's for the same reasons. The pain of my fellow bloggers who are raising children who have been hurt rings too true and painful in my heart. I have to let go because it will swallow me whole. I'll still come by, silently, because I have a need to know that you guys are ok, but I feel like such a failure and hopeless at times because I can't help. All the intricacies of life. People and newborns dying, suicides and all that float through the blogging world are too much for me. It feels like ripping a scab off a wound repeatedly. I can't find center with all this hurt. If that even makes sense?

So I've limited myself to that exposure and I have yet to figure out how to manage my emotions regarding that. To rise up and let go. I guess.

I can't let this post go this way, I have one friendship left, and I don't want this post to be taken the wrong way should she read this. Our friendship is an odd friendship. :-P Sometimes I don't understand it. But then I think since it's the only one I have, maybe I have too much time on my hands to think about it. Sometimes, I feel like she has her own troubles and I may bring stress into her life when I resurface and I should just let it fade away. She's a worrier, and we are now in different worlds and different lifetimes. What do you say to a person whose life is in a shithole (mine, not hers. lol)? What can one say? Sometimes I feel like the friendship is pretty much fading away anyway. Life has gone on. I don't know. I'm not trying to be hurtful. We both have our separate pains that neither can understand about the other since they are different pains. She has friends now and a support system who know how she feels and have been through the same things as she has been, and I feel like I always say the wrong things.

Just not good at friendships, like I said. I'm trying to be better. Honest...but I just don't know how it comes so easy to some people. I haven't completely given up on the possibilities and I hope my nephew won't be scarred for life by sister's decision. But I just don't know what to say.

Let the big clean of 2010 commence!

Alright, I actually started the day I mentioned it in my previous post. But yesterday I had a huge flare up. I don't mean to sound like I am coming up with excuses, I'm just letting you know how stupid I am. ;-)

Why I didn't post it earlier? I left the camera usb plugged in to my computer yesterday not realizing until this morning when I sat down and the camera flashed to me battery low and died. My camera is the rechargeable battery kind, not the kind where you can just put in new ones. So off to the charger it went.

Oh, and looky here...I did it again. I just looked down and there's my camera plugged into the computer and turned on. Sheesh! and I complain about my kids. lol Ah crap...I just ejected it (I'm on a mac) but then I realized I hadn't transferred any pictures. Doh!

I'm alright, really...I am. Pictures are transferred now.

Before I show you my mess (can you say procrastinate much?). I wanted to show you some pics I took of a flare up. It's not the one I had yesterday because I couldn't even barely move. It hurt that bad.

Please excuse my ashy legs. They are also all scarred because I fell out of a moving car when I was younger. As you can see the leg on the left is swollen compared to the leg on the right. In that picture, both legs are actually swollen.

When they swell, they get a dent on the front. Like the one below.

As time goes by that dent gets bigger. It kind of feels like some one has all my veins and they are twisting them tighter and tighter and tighter. I should've put the remote up to the other pic but I think you can tell it's gotten bigger.

Then my wrists, they are another story, sometimes they swell like this one- evenly...

Or sometimes they swell and are bumpy like the one below.

Sucks. I took those pictures one right after the other. One hand was one way and the other was well the other way they were just at the same time.

Anyway, just wanted to share what it does to me.

On to the mess...

This was when you first walked in. It's almost all the Christmas stuff packed up.

This is the next wall. I don't know what this is, it was here when I came home.

This is the opposite corner. Look at my desk and that whole corner. ICK!
This is the rest of my desk and the other corner. This pile started Christmas Eve. Yep, I don't know what's in there either.

Here's some in the middle pics. That corner, after I removed all of the crap and rearranged a bookcase and the kids cottage. Keep in mind, I am not done yet. lol!

Here's my couch...can you spot what almost caused me not to post it. LOL! I tried to convince myself you couldn't and a fellow blogger also wrote about this very thing last week.

Here's that corner of crap that I had no idea what it was. I still don't...really. I do know that the box with the purple in it is a new giveaway box I've started and the baskets are clean clothes.

Oh and I cooked this yummy ham for dinner. Along with mashed potatoes and green beans.

I've done some more cleaning. I'll add those pics later. I'm hoping it will be the "Hey! Look it's done!" pics because I am seriously needing to move on to the kitchen, the pantry, the laundry room, my bedroom, etc...

Plus, I'm getting a little excited because I've had many projects in mind but with the dirty house I haven't been able to even start them.

This year I have plans for:

The Kitchen

The Living Room

The Laundry Room

The Master Bathroom

The Kids Bathroom

and a deck addition outside.

We will see what actually gets done. What about you, are you or have you recently done a Big Clean of your own? Do you have any big plans for your house this year? Tell me I'm not alone. :-)

PS. I forgot to mention ALL my laundry is done. Yup. All of it. Hate me. My ovens are self cleaning as I type these words too. I will do this. :-)

Cleaning and Clearance shopping!

Since our two week stay in ICU and the Holidays, my house has been a disaster area.

Really.

You would be disgusted if you could see it. I am. My kids on the other hand seem to feel right at home in all the mess and chaos.

It's so bad. I don't know where to start.

I am frustrated because right before Hubbins finally was too sick, I started this program with a woman called the Flylady. I had almost completed my control journal, my sink was shiny, my living room was spotless and the classroom was getting a rehaul.

I was feeling like I was accomplishing something.

Then it all fell apart. Sure my mom was here, but I didn't want her to touch anything. For example, my washer and dryer. Luckily, they were able to repair that without issue but had it been broken permanently I would have died a lot.

So my house was a disaster zone for the holidays. My plan was to have it all together by the end of the year. I came home to a ton of Fly Lady missions in my inbox and I know that I could've just jumped in anywhere and yet, I didn't. It's actually the whole premise of the Fly Lady. You can join in at any time and just get going. We just have to leave our perfectionistic tendencies behind.

But I've got that whole perfectionist, fear of failure and fear of success thing going on. So, I started making piles of crap. But the piles of crap made things worse. I am sitting amidst piles of crap right now. Which pile should I start with?

So naturally, I blog. lol!

I decided to show you the ugly for accountability sake. I'm figuring if I totally humiliate myself to you guys maybe I'll get over my hangups and be like Nike and JUST DO IT (already!).

But...before then...I'd like to share with you some awesome clearance finds. I was all about Christmas decorations this year. All. about. it. I didn't do so awesome with the decorating this year. Hubbins keeps insisting we did fine this year...but I know better.

I actually got these at 60% off weeks before Christmas. I love Mary Englebreit. I have some of her fabrics that I am going back and forth on what to make with and I also purchased some ornaments that I didn't take pictures of. Teapot sets and chairs, none over $1.99.

Santa!

Snowman!

They are a pretty good size and I LOVE THEM!

Sorry about my pictures, I was playing with the camera and they looked great on the screen but when I transferred them they looked like this.

I love these large wood snowmen, at $4.99 they were a steal. Especially since they have a secret!

They are multipurpose! When you flip them around they are now decorations for Fall and Halloween.

I know exactly where they are going next year too!

I already knew last year that I was going to need a new Christmas Tree topper. I have a Precious Moments Angel tree topper that's over ten years old. I love it. The head is made of wood and it's a struggle every year to try and center it on the big live tree so I was on the hunt for a new topper. I don't really like those stars with lights, etc...

When I saw this Angel, I loved her dress. It's made of a velvet and satin that's flowy (why, yes...that is a word.) and light. She's rather large, which I like because we have vaulted ceilings in the living room and our tree in there is the 7- 8ft ones. Best of all, she was $9.99. I've found another tree topper (we put up more than one tree) in mind but I'm still thinking about it. Sadly, it's a collector's item and not on clearance. :(

I love these Christmas Tree napkin rings. I was eyeing them before and even though they are a heavy metal, I didn't think they were worth the $7.99. I know I am cheap. But it paid off. Both of these boxes cost me $4.

I love nutcrackers too. A couple of years ago I bypassed the opportunity to buy two nutcrackers that were taller than me and I've regretted it ever since. Until this year, I had stayed away from nutcrackers because I was reminded of my missed opportunity. ( I know cue the violins.)

But these guys were a steal at a dollar and besides, someone is bound to be selling those nutcrackers (it was Costco I had seen them at) one of these years and then they won't have any friends. Riiiiight.

This one wasn't on sale but I love, love, love Richard Scarry books. I have some that are falling apart and this was a reprint of a 1950s book. I just had to snatch it up.

I love how the animals wear clothes! Love it. There's just so much to see in all his books too! I am happy that I can share them with my kids.

Lastly, I found this. Nope it's not for Christmas, nor was it on sale. It's a wreath for Valentine's day. For some reason, I am anxious to fill my house with pink and red hearts this Valentine's day. That is weird for me, since I've never really did much in the past for it.

Ok, so that's it for now. I bought a ton of other things but I've probably bored everyone enough already. I'm off to tackle my first wreck. Bummer!

My baby sister

She's 25, but she's still 6 to me. Always...

We used to share a room. I'm the oldest, she's the youngest. We are almost 9 years apart. If I were to say that I had no influence on her, I would be lying. But she struggles with what is right and wrong and she is VERY stubborn. She is the smartest of all my sisters. She could really be something if she didn't struggle with her self-esteem.

I think I'm the only who doesn't back down to her stubbornness though. She always has to be right and she will disagree with this until she turns red and has an asthma attack but oh well!

She's also been diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

I won't pretend I know anything about bipolar, but I also will say that I don't believe she is bipolar. Not after two days ago when my mom called me because my sister was "freaking out".

Without getting into too much, my sister has gone through the unthinkable. Think of our children who have been victims and how we know that they seem to have that invisible sign that predators can see from anywhere. Know what I am saying? She's very naive but thinks she's tough and is always right. That's a hard combination and one that we all deal with on a daily basis with our kids. Right?

She's been through too much for someone her age and she really hasn't worked it out. But she's either in denial or really doesn't know that her journey hasn't even started.

My mom called because my sister was losing it. My mom wanted me to look up meds for bipolar... but when my sister took the phone...it was like talking to CDQ. I wished she was in front of me because I could tell she was panicked, scared to death and dysregulated like no tomorrow.

She's tried a ton of meds and none of them work. I will be the first to say that I don't know the first thing about bipolar disorder but I don't think she has it. I think she's like our kids. She's so scared and there's no safe place for her. I know this because before this last ICU trip with Hubbins, I was right next to her and the kids in the same boat.

I could feel what she was feeling. I could articulate it to her. As she started crying and agreeing with me, I felt so bad because she is just a scared child. I tried to explain hypervigilance to her. My mom will never really make her feel completely safe. She is so scared of losing my mom she's losing her mind. She can't sleep. She has to keep checking on my mother to see if she's ok. She has a fear that someone is going to hurt her. She feels it's all irrational and I can tell her until I am blue in the face that she has every right to feel the way she does and there is nothing irrational about it. But she won't listen. She keeps thinking there is something mentally wrong with her.

She is sooo scared she can't think straight, her mind can't stop racing. I tried to help her but she won't listen. I felt like I was talking to one of my kids in the beginning when I first realized just how far gone their fear was. I tried to explain that to her. But she's so worried about being crazy she's not hearing it.

I pushed her, I called her out on the mat and I pushed her to the brink. I was scared it might be the wrong thing to do but she needed that release. She yelled and screamed at me and cried that I didn't know what I was talking about and still I pushed until she let it all out. I could hear her winding down.

She was sniffling and she told me somehow she felt so much better now. I worry about her the most. When my mom calls, in the back of my mind, I always have this fear that it's going to be to tell me that my baby sister is gone.

I worry that she's putting too much trust in the professionals that are supposed to be helping her. She alluded that they have diagnosed her bipolar but she also said that her psychotherapist keeps going back and forth about it. I wish I knew more.

It's like this...if she's bipolar for the reasons they are telling her, then I am bipolar and my children are bipolar as well. I think not.

They were also telling her that she is ADHD and that my mother is too and should get meds for it. In my world, it's called multi-tasking. In their world ADHD. What troubles me the most is that they seem to think meds are the answer for all of it. If she just finds the magic pill. Talking to my mother and my sister about her care is frustrating. It makes me feel like my sister would have a better shot attending a pharm party then going to a professional. She listed at least 4 drugs that were recent. One for bipolar, one for anxiety and one for ADHD. They have been giving them to her at the same time and pulling her off them at the same time. How can they possibly know what's working and what isn't?

For all intents and purposes, she is an adult. But she has no clue and she trusts authority. It's such a scary, scary thing.

To resolve or not to resolve...

AKA- A note to my 34 year old self from my 33 year old self...

I haven't made any resolutions in at least a decade, longer I am sure.

This year I am contemplating writing up some resolutions, just so I have them written down to remind me. I LOVE lists. I'm an excellent list writer, it's finding the time to do the stuff on the lists that's killer. :-p

I'm not even sure if these are really resolutions as much as they are reminders. My birthday is looming ahead of me this month and when I think of it, I envision a dark black cloud, heck go ahead and throw in a lightening bolt in that vision. The last official birthday I celebrated was my Sweet 16. I already knew it was the beginning of the end. lol Before that, I hadn't had a party since I was 10.

I've been trying to change my attitude about birthdays. I've even been thinking of celebrating this one. After all, if I have such a bleak outlook, I'm sure my kids have noticed it and they already have their own birthday issues.

We have birthdays this month, next month and the month after. I won't kid myself, it will be a rocky road...but maybe I can help to model something different.

At any rate, Birthdays...that's the first thing I'd like to change up this year.

Second, letting go. I need to start letting go. I've been so afraid of losing myself. That it didn't occur to me that the person I've been trying so desperately to hold on to, isn't so much lost as "she's" not the same person anymore.

I've seen so many women in my family lose themselves. I wanted to make damn well sure that it didn't happen to me. But, oopsies... after all that fighting, I realized. I'm not lost...it's just not me anymore. I'm not that single person who was on top of everything and had a spotless house because "dammitthereisaplaceforeverythingandeverythinginitsplace!andifyourearrangemymagazinesonemore timeI'mgoingtobreakyourhands!!!!"

I'm married to a person who requires a lot of care and I have 5 children who require a lot of care and I'm not going to remember everything anymore. I'm also not going to get things done like I used to either.

AND it's ok,all is not lost, the world has not ended. (<---alright, so I'm still working on this part, which is why I think I need this list to remind me.)

With the above in mind, nothing will ever be perfect- nor does it have to be. In the past, if you thought you did something perfect, it wasn't. YOU just thought it was. Really.

Third, I can't remember this one to save my life... so I will say...third, put something shiny on this post, print it out or something... because HELLO! Not only have you already forgotten part 2 above...(i.e. see previous post which is a sort of reminder of something you had apparently already forgotten!) but you reminded yourself and it STILL didn't ring a bell.

I think I will keep this little post as a "living" post if you will. One that I will need to refer to and update or something. I have a lot of things to say to myself...but I honestly, just can't remember. So I will tag this one living post. hehehe

Boy am I messed up. It's amazing that I have made it this far. :-)

ACK...third was about friendships/relationships! I sort of remember now! Will have to think it through some more before I add it. Make sure I remember it right!

Well, that didn't work out so well...

I still have my post in drafts. The one I referred to in the previous post. Honestly, I have been trying to remember what that third thing was and I just can't. The irony of it all is that it is something I felt was so important, I needed to write it down so I would remember.

I should make the third thing this very problem right here. Stop holding on to things instead of completing them because they won't be perfect or like you envisioned.

I have a buttload, yes a buttload, of unfinished posts that I won't post because they are unfinished and I can't remember...Then when I do remember, or I should say if I do remember, I figure it's too late to post. (i.e. holiday pictures of Thanksgiving, projects, etc...)

I can't stand that I have this idea of what my blog should be and I can't even make it that, so my blog just sits. I don't know why I feel it should be a certain way. I guess that goes back to my unfinished post that I should just post already anyway.

Speaking of butts...aren't I a pain in the butt? LOL! Believe me, I drive MYSELF crazy sometimes. Ok, well, a lot of the time.

Don't you just hate it?

Don't you hate it when you are in the middle of a post you saved...could've been numbered or bulleted or something and you come back to keep going...'cept, you can't remember what thirdly was going to be...

No.clue.

I can't even remember typing "third".

Does it make it even worse that it's a post about getting older and what you should be remembering?

Guess I'll just hit the save button on that one for the bajillionth time.

The First...

Yesterday was the first day in the longest time where I got to just be.

I will be the first to admit that *I* have been living in a hypervigilant state for quite a long time. I'm always afraid that something is going to happen to Hubbins, so instead of living, I've been waiting for that other foot to fall. Trying to figure out what I would do with the kids if Hubbins ended up in the hospital. How I would deal with his family if something were to happen to him. It's such a stressful thing.

But after this last time, I've learned to let go. I'm learning that what ever happens, will happen and there is nothing I can do about it. I'm also learning that it's not my responsibility to worry about Hubbins family. He has his own issues with them that have nothing to do with me and if they would realize that, I don't even think Hubbins would have an issue with them. But I'm not really sure because I don't exactly know what the situation is. I just used to stress over having to talk to them because, at this point, it seems to me if I were to be talking to them it would be to tell them Hubbins has passed. That's what stressed me out in a way Hubbins just can't understand.

Last week, I had a glimpse of being care free for about two hours. I sat on my bed reflecting just how peaceful it felt when my phone rang. It was crazy to me just how quickly it all changed. I mean, my sister being in the ER wasn't as scary to me at first, but when I heard her tell me that I was to take her boys if something happened to her, it was chilling. I felt myself boomerang back into that state of shock and hypervigilance and I hated it and I felt like there was nothing I could do about it.

I was scared for my sister and I won't lie, I was scared I would be adding two more children to the mix. I've had that little fear in the back of my mind for awhile now. My sister is 28 but she doesn't take care of herself. I knew already that she could have a heart attack at any time because she is overweight and she has high blood pressure. I knew she was having complications that the doctors can't pinpoint since the car accident she was in. This is still fact as I type this. They still don't know what is wrong with her but they have thrown antibiotics her way and it seems to be keeping whatever it was at bay for now.

I'm trying not to go back to that hypervigilant state. I'm trying to remind myself that there is nothing I can do about any of it and it's out of my hands. I've noticed that since I have realized my anxiety, I am actually better able to detect it in my kids. I can tell by their faces where they are at in their level of panic. I've been able to squash a lot of it with reassurance and support. Believe me, it sounds prettier than it looks. lol!

So, yesterday, Hubbins was finally able to get up in his chair for a few and none of my kids were in trouble or on restriction (shhh, I KNOW!) We had a blast on the Wii for hours. Literally, Hubbins was the first to notice it was after Midnight and pulled the plug. I felt at ease. Not 100% because those stupid little thoughts kept creeping in about how it's not always gonna be like this and wondering if this is something we will all be together to do next New Year's. But I was able to enjoy most of the time we spent together. I kept reflecting on everything I had to be so grateful for.

Because I wasn't stuck in "fear mode". I was able to see my family as "who" they are, not what their problems were. It was nice for that change. Don't think everything was unicorns and rainbows. My kids can't stand to be in the same room as each other and they are smart asses who think they know it all and everyone else is dumb. But we are family and in the end that's all that really matters.