A new addition to our family

No, this new addition to our family is not what you are thinking; it is a baby guinea pig. His name is Fred. It has been so nice to come home and hold him and listen to/feel him purr when I pet him. He hops around the room like a rabbit and is so fun to be around. It's fun to have a little guy to love.

Our 3rd try of In Vitro was not a success in many ways, but in others I feel it was a success. I successfully gave myself a shot many times (which I thought I'd never do in my life). I did not have a blood clot despite being at risk. I learned to handle physical, emotional and psychological stress in ways I didn't know I could before. I drew closer to my husband and my Savior. I understand a little of what others feel when they go through this process. I learned to laugh about people who send references to conference addresses made over 30 years ago that are about premarital sex although the person sending them thinks they are about In Vitro in some way. Some people may judge and/or don't understand these type of trials, but I've learned to love them still and hope they can understand some day. I absolutely loved the General Conference talk given by Neil L. Andersen about the importance of children. He talked about how others should not judge one another on the subject of children. He said these decisions should be made with sincere prayer and acted on with great faith. I am comforted by this statement because this is what we have always done. I've learned many, many personal spiritual lessons from going through all of these things.

I received the news that our In Vitro didn't work after the first blood test this time. This was a relief to not have false hope for a week. Medically, we don't know why In Vitro hasn't worked for us. It could be from genetics from any one of us or my brain will not let an embryo stay attached to my uterus for some reason. We have felt blessed that we both have problems :) and that we can support each other and go through this together. I feel hope from the fact that we haven't been given a "never" to the possibility of me carrying our own baby yet. Tyler has said that he feels he will love an adopted baby much more than he thought he could now that we have gone through all of these little :) trials. I feel I have to say "little" because I know so many people go through many harder things than we do, especially our Savior and His sacrifice for us. At times I get bugged by the financial strain this has put on us, but that thought quickly leaves when I know we would have always wondered what would have happened if we didn't choose this route. We feel blessed that we could financially afford it.

After many years of trying we feel emotionally drained at times, but we feel overall peace. I have had many tender mercies from the Lord and many prayers have been answered and comfort from the Lord and others given. I have had great blessings from priesthood holders. I have a testimony that I know that God did not want this to work at this time. He does not want us to have a baby at this time. There is a purpose for trials and we will find out His reasons one day. We have tried our hardest. He knows we have always tried hard to be better people and live the Gospel. He knows our hearts and knows the desires we have always had in our hearts. The Lord has felt every bit of heartache we have had to endure. This is the truth for any trial or tribulation. I take comfort in knowing these things. We will receive promised blessings. For this I have hope and faith. I know God loves us and wants us to have joy and His blessings are eternal.

I am feeling back to normal now, as far as hormones are concerned. I like to think drugs and hormones won't affect the way I act. But they ultimately do. It stinks. I cried way too many times this round. I cried when waiting for the doctor's office to call me for one last blood test. It was to make sure my HCG levels went to zero. They didn't call me back for 30 minutes and I kept seeing couples coming in and being called back before me. It just got to me and I started crying. Then, a bunch of people came out to comfort me. It was embarrassing. Also, a cute older man at the temple was helping us with some temple sealings of my ancestors. We went to do this on the day we received our official "no". The sealer told me that there were a lot of posterity with the same last name. He then asked me in front of everyone if we had children. I said no, not yet. He then told us "You better get going on that soon because you have some examples to follow". I was not offended, he was a nice old man, but because of the timing, I started to cry. I tried so hard not to cry that I had to put my hands over my extremely quivering mouth. I just didn't want to let my ancestors down. But a sweet sister came over to me and asked me if I wanted a tissue. What an angel.

I just finished reading "Beloved Emma", a book about Emma Smith, wife of our first prophet of the restored church, Joseph Smith. She was a remarkable person in her life on earth. Reading about her trials and hardships made mine seem less apparent. She went through a lot and I am so grateful to her. I recommend this book to anyone (thanks tracy for letting me borrow the book).

I will not be writing about this subject for a little while because we will probably have to finish paying off our medical bills before we do something again. Thank you again for all of the thoughts, prayers, fasting, dinners, treats and every other service anyone has done for us. They have all helped to comfort us. I wanted to end with a great quote I found from an article in the Ensign July 1998 by Dallin H. Oaks. He said "Like the mortal life of which they are a part, adversities are temporary. What is permanent is what we become by the way we react to them." I want to become like my Savior and I hope I can always better react to situations like Him. I'm not perfect and far from perfection, but I know if I strive to be better each day, I'm on the right track. And that is what matters to our Heavenly Father. :)

Come on little embryo!!!!

I'm on bed rest again. We have had so many people willing to help us and pray for us. I just can't believe it. Heavenly Father really watches out for us. Thank you again to everyone who supports us in any way. I have gained a lot of strength as well from reading stories in past Ensign magazines of parents who have had to go through In Vitro with no success. Also, words from our past prophets have comforted us as well as knowing the blessings of the Atonement of Jesus Christ.

Our last transfer was on friday morning. The doctor was running 20 minutes late again which normally I wouldn't mind, but on a full bladder it's a different story. He came to get us and kind of looked sad. We could tell something was wrong. I asked if I should take my valium yet and he told me that he would go get some water for me. He walked us slowly to his office and left for a long while to get some water. Ty and I talked about how he was probably going to tell us there was only one that survived. I thought, at least one survived right? because he wouldn't be getting me water. So he came back in and sat down and I said "so I can take the valium right, because we have at least one to put in?" He told us that it was only one that would be placed in my uterus. I think he was glad that I helped him break the bad news. The embryo that survived the de-thawing had expanded 30% back to where it was originally. He told me that they can expand at different rates so this didn't mean anything. At this point I was kind of bugged that he didn't save any grade "C" eggs that I had so I could at least put in one of those. But what is done is done.

He did the procedure. It was a lot more uncomfortable than the last one, but really not that bad. I'm telling you the worst thing is holding your bladder after the procedure while lying supine! (sorry, tmi but i'm including it anyway). So we will do the 3 weeks of waiting again.

This cycle of drugs has really affected me negatively this time. I was sad after we found out last time was a no, but very quickly became extremely at peace with everything and very happy. I thought, I wonder what will happen when I start my hormones again? The birth control didn't do a whole lot, but after the second day of taking Lupron injections, my emotions changed big time! It was crazy that I was so happy two days earlier and then I felt sad. So bizarre what hormones can do! And I would try to talk my mind out of it and it was extremely difficult. I was and have been soooo emotional this time. I cry almost every day! And it's not about baby stuff in many cases! I used to have such a hard time crying when I was younger. I envied those who cried while bearing their testimony (silly, I know). And with these drugs, As soon as one tear comes, it is a waterfall! I apologize all of the time to Tyler who just laughs. He's such a good husband.

My most emotional experience happened at the Phoenix airport on my way to Utah. My lupron injections needed to be refrigerated. So we found out that all we needed to do was put the stuff in a little cooler. So I went through the line and the scanner asked me what was in the cooler. I told him and he said he was going to have someone just look inside the cooler to make sure and as long as I had solid ice packs inside I would be fine. I was ok with that. Someone from the TSA about 24 years of age came over and looked through the cooler and waved her wand over the solid ice. The wand beeped. She told me she would have to call over the airport security to check out the ice.

An older gentleman came over and asked her what the problem was. She told him that the wand beeped on the ice. He gave her a ("you know better look") and said, "you know you aren't supposed to check it if the ice is solid". She gave him a ("crap, I guess he's right. But now I look like a fool in front of this passenger and I can't have her think i'm a fool) look...thought about what she was going to do, and out of pride she decided to not let me go anyway. He gave her a (I can't believe you) look and shook his head. She told me that I needed to have her check all of my belongings. I looked at her and said in a low pleading voice, "why? The man just said that you were not even supposed to scan the ice if it was solid and you were supposed to let me go." Her response was "yah, but I can override whatever he says and I've decided to check your things." Can you believe that answer?!?!? I was bugged, and getting a little anxious. If anyone knows me well, you know that I am passionate about my freedoms and I didn't know how it would affect me until this day and with all of my extra emotions.

She started unzipping my bags, things were falling out on the floor, she was putting them back in different places. Then she said "have you ever had a pat down?" I lost it. I started crying, trying not to let her notice. i asked her why I had to have one of those and she said, that she needed to check everything. I had a choice to do it in front of people or in a room. I barely let out through my tears that I'd rather have people see this horrible thing happen to me. I started crying uncontrollably because to me I was being molested when I was being groped against my own will because of her pride. I know for others who don't mind going through these things, it wouldn't be molesting to them. But for someone who does not want to be violated and does not consent to this awful treatment, it really was molesting and I felt more violated than I ever have felt in my life.

I told her afterwards that I hope one day she would understand. Benjamin Franklin, our great founding father, said, "Those who would give up essential Liberty, to purchase a little temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety." The girl left me with a guilty frown on her face and wouldn't look at me in the face not once during the "procedure". Of course I gasped and gasped for air as I walked to my terminal while people stared on or asked if I was ok. It was amazing what effect this experience had on me. It is very sad that this can happen when someone in the TSA abuses their power. While waiting for the plane, i hoped more than ever that we could get a baby out of this process.

Something on a better note...I finally gave myself a real shot! I was in Utah and I had to decide if my grandma was going to give me the shot in my leg or if I was going to give it to myself. I decided on the latter for reasons you could imagine. It wasn't that bad either! I still cant do it in my stomach though....yet.

We started the heparin shots around a week and a half ago. Twice a day. My stomach is black and blue in many areas now. It's extremely ugly, but most of the injections are ok. I had one that hurt so bad (I think Tyler injected into a bruise on accident) that I cried for 5 minutes long (not just because of the initial injection, but because of the crazy stinging feeling after). I have never been stung by a bee and have been super afraid of bees because of this. I'm curious to know if the sting from heparin shots feel like a bee sting. Anyone know?

One other experience I had last week. I woke up for the day to what I thought was my alarm. I started getting ready for the day and gave myself progesterone. Then I thought, I am sooo tired! I looked at the clock and it was 12:59 at night! I had just given myself progesterone and estrogen at 10:15 and then again at 1:00. This worried me that I gave myself too much of a drug that can cause blood clots. I could hardly sleep the whole night. If I wouldn't have been so sleepy, I would have realized that thanks to taking heparin (a blood thinner) there probably wouldn't be anything that would happen. The next morning, I was extra thankful for heparin shots. :)

Well, even if this embryo doesn't decide to stay in my uterus, we won't give up hope. I have heard stories of people that have miraculously gotten pregnant a few cycles after in vitro. Who knows? I do know that we were supposed to do In VItro fertilization. I know it was what Heavenly Father wanted for us. No matter what happens. We are supposed to go through these trials. He loves us. Even if it may be because our baby's spirit is not ready to come to our family quite yet. We are willing to wait. Although we won't have money or emotional strength to do this again soon I am confident that there will be many chances for us in the future to give birth to our own child. I know that even if a child comes to us from adoption, that child can be sealed to us in the temple forever and it will just be amazing.

We will try once again :)

Our second In Vitro Fertilization procedure didn't work. The same thing happened to me as the first one did. About a week after the transfer of the two eggs, I had a blood test for hormone levels and then one a few days later for HCG (pregnancy) levels. My numbers were high just like the first round. They told me that it is around a 5% chance to have high numbers your first test and then have low numbers in your second test, especially twice. But...I was in that small percentage.

After I had my first test with my good news we went with Ty's family up to stay in a cabin up North. I was bummed that I couldn't ride go-carts up there and started realizing all of the things you can't do when you are pregnant so I told Tyler I think we should go to Disney Land if things don't work out so I can ride some roller coasters. Well that next week they took the second blood test and it had dropped. When the patient coordinator called me, she started asking about my day and what was going on trying to avoid telling me the inevitable. I told her to just tell me and she said she didn't want to. I was at work which was good because I had to suck it up and not cry.


I didn't want to have my hopes so high this time around, but I really did. I was prepared mentally for bad news though, just in case. Tyler wasn't as prepared and he took it a little harder than I did. The week we were told was pretty emotionally hard for us. It was harder for me to see how sad my husband was feeling than for my own feelings. Towards the end of the week Tyler really felt inspired that for whatever reason we are being blessed right now to not have a baby. Blessed? I know. sounds funny. But we look at it that way and one day we will find out why these things took a while. I look back on a job I wanted to take when we moved to Arizona and how I wanted it so bad and couldn't understand why things happened the way they did when I didn't get that job. I now know and I am so glad Heavenly Father knows all and helps us to be our happiest. We just have to trust in Him and in our Savior. I am feeling optimistic about our next transfer. :)

We have two more grade "B" eggs and are trying again. Luckily we found out that this procedure will be only around $4,000 instead of $11,000. If these ones don't take we will probably wait a while to save up again. My doctor told me that he wanted to do something different this time. He tested me for many clotting issues and I was negative for all of them. He doesn't know of anything that is causing the embryo to stop growing. Apparently it tries to attach to my uterus and then it just doesn't stay. He says that he still wants to try something different so he is going to put me on Heparin shots in my stomach. This may help more blood to get to the embryo so it will continue to grow when it attaches. Getting a heparin shot in my stomach and giving myself a shot were my biggest fears of these procedures. It makes me cry thinking about it. I will get big bruises on my stomach from heparin because it is a blood thinner. I feel like I am having to face my fears and I sure hope there is not some naturalpathic way to get pregnant by using spiders because I don't think I could conquer that fear. :)

Ty and I went to Disneyland last week like we said we would if things didn't work out. It was really fun :) I start my Lupron shots on Sunday. If anyone wants to give me a shot this round, let me know (because Tyler's sick of it) :)

High Hopes For Tomorrow

Tomorrow is the big day! Our second round of In Vitro. This time we will not need to retrieve any eggs from my ovaries. We will be transferring a grade "A" egg and a grade "B" egg to my uterus. I am so relaxed! Last time, the night before the transfer was very painful from the retrieval so this is sooo much better!

It has been about three months since the first In Vitro procedure. I wanted to start the process over again right away, but I was told that my body needed to get back to normal. They implied that it would be July, then the end of May and then June. In case anyone goes through this, you have a period right after they tell you that you're not pregnant (after In VItro 1) and then you will have two more periods if they are regulating you with drugs. I was on birth control pills for a month so I would have a period.

At the end of the birth control pills, I started to take Lupron. When I first looked up Lupron, I read that it is used by guys who have prostate cancer. It is not FDA approved for fertility treatment (which may not matter anyway :) ). Don't worry I told myself. It has been used for this purpose for 20 years. That makes it ok right? I'll find out one day. Lupron is a GnRH-agonist. It suppresses my eggs from developing during this cycle through brain ovary communication. That way I won't have any new eggs/follicles developing while my body gets ready for the frozen ones. I DO NOT like this shot every morning. I have taken it 21 days. They tell me that sometimes it hurts and sometimes it doesn't. It DIDN't hurt once or twice. It stings and a third of the time, it feels like my leg is burning after the injection. It is so strange because it's given in an insulin syringe so the needle is short. I just don't know why it hurts? Oh yeah, Ty and I loved waking up at 6 o' clock on saturdays and sundays for a morning shot :)

I take Asprin every day to prevent me from blood clots. so far, so good.

I take Estradiol Valerate (represents Estrogen) injections on Tuesdays and Fridays (I will still take those if (after) I get pregnant). They build my lining in my uterus to prepare for the embryos. I begged to have a one inch needle shot instead of a one inch and a half. It worked! I cried before I received the shot in the bum again, because....I STILL hurt on my bum cheeks from the last In Vitro process. I may have permanent nerve damage? who knows :)? The good thing about it is that when I finally let my good reliable Tyler give me the shot, it didn't hurt! I think the area must still (permanently?) be numb and that could be the reason why...haha. I was super excited! Being optimistic is important right ? :) So I have felt it on the other cheek, but it feels way better than the Lupron shots.

The best news...I don't have to have the Progesterone (which maintains the uterine lining and support while I'm first pregnant) shots and suppositories like last time! I remembered that I was told that the reason patients are given this combination, is because if you aren't pregnant, the vaginal cream is very expensive (because insurance companies won't cover much of the cost). BUT...I still had tons of cream from the last procedure. I tried to ask the pharmacy people who at first told me they weren't the same, then admitted they were but the doctor wants me to buy the injection materials anyway. I told them I would ask the doctor who told me that the cream and the shots/suppository combo are the same. So no daily bum shots of progesterone! I will take the cream... for who knows how long?

I've had several ultrasounds to make sure my uterine lining is looking fantastic with a blood test each time. My procedure is tomorrow at 11:00 a.m. Once again, I will drink 24 oz of water an hour and a half before. The procedure will be uncomfortable for a couple seconds and then I will lay there for like 30 minutes. I will be on bed rest thursday, Friday and Saturday.

I don't think I've had any weird emotional times...well a couple cries at church (abnormal for me). Also, last Saturday. I am usually responsible, but I was trying to be less stressed so I forgot to check my flow sheet. Because I had tried to save money and buy only the drugs necessary, I put off buying some drugs and forgot to pick them up until last Saturday at 11:50 a.m. I was supposed to start taking an antibiotic and a corticosteroid that morning and the apothecary store that had filled my perscription was not open on Saturdays. So Ty found a store in Scottsdale (it had to be picked up at an Apothecary Store) and we called them and were told that we had 30 minutes until the store closed.

We jumped in the car, typed the address in the GPS and were supposed to get there in 19 minutes. The freeway happened to be closed for miles so we took the frontage road. I watched as the time on the GPS started going up. By the time we got back onto the freeway we were going to get there 4 minutes late...and then one exit later the freeway went to one lane. It took 10 minutes to go one exit. I called the scottsdale shop and was told that they wouldn't wait for me even though I would only be 15 minutes late. So we turned around. I called and had my doctor paged. I was soooo embarrassed. They operators couldn't understand me because of my blubbery crying.

When we were almost home, I received a phone call from the apothecary shop in scottsdale and the original girl who I talked to asked me if I was almost there. I told her that I had already called and was told I couldn't come. She told me that they still had a customer there and I could have made it. I was devastated. 10 minutes later someone else called me from the same shop and told me that I could meet him at a golf course he would be playing at and he would bring the meds. He was extremely nice! I was not looking forward to getting back in the car and driving the same route again. Luckily my doctor called me and told me I could wait to take the meds on Monday. I apologized (while crying) a ton for being so irresponsible! Tyler didn't want me to bother him and ask him to switch pharmacies, so he drove out to my work monday morning to give me my meds. He's the most supportive husband! I love him so much!

So there you have it. I am going to try and go workout one last time before the procedure. I am not allowed to exercise for a couple months I think. It was hard for a month. I couldn't imagine if I was a regular! There are other restrictions too. I KNOW it is worth it! I can't wait until I can look back and say "wow, if I only knew how great this child would be (or quads :) ) ... I would not have cared about any sacrifice during our trials." The scriptures that have helped me the last couple of months are Mosiah 25: 13-15. The Lord eased the burdens of the people with Alma so much that they couldn't feel them upon their backs even though they were in bondage. He did this so that they would stand as a witness afterward and know that He visits his people in their afflictions. There have been many, many days where I have felt no sadness of not being able to have a baby. I know this is because the Lord has lifted my burdens and has strengthened me. He has lifted me up through all of this. I really believe that we are given these tender mercies from our Heavenly Father so that we can bear testimony that he truly visits us in our afflictions. I have been visited in my afflictions and have been strengthened from these trials. The Savior has strengthened me so that I can bear up my burdens with ease just like he did with the people of Alma. I love how the people did "submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord". I want to be like them. I should be like them. I think I'm getting better at being cheerful in my trials. I feel I am more patient. I love this Gospel and how even though I have many many weaknesses, I can work on a couple at a time and keep growing closer to my Savior and someday I will live with him and my husband and my little ones forever. I know this to be true. Thanks again for all of the many, many prayers and fasts. It really helps. :)

Round 2

Yep, the first In Vitro process didn't turn out as we hoped, but luckily I'm healthy. I recovered from my pain within a week after my procedure except my injection sites. It's been over a month since my last shot in the bum and the area still mildly hurts on both cheeks! It is especially uncomfortable when I run. Hopefully it is temporary nerve damage and not permanent. :) So everything feels fine except those two areas. My stomach went back down. I thought it might stay bloated with fluids in my abdomen forever!

So the doctor told me that my pain and stomach would get worse if I became pregnant. I started to get better every day after the transfer so I was sure that it was going to be a no. I had to wait a couple weeks for the first blood test to measure my HCG levels. The sat. before my test I felt a little sad that I was feeling so much better so I thought to myself, "I am not going to have them tell me that it is a no. I want to find out myself first". So I took a dollar pregnancy test and it showed negative. I was really sad that day. I didn't want to tell tyler because I didn't want him to be sad as well so I tried to help him get prepared, but he ended up telling me I was being negative :) so I stopped that strategy.

I had my blood test and that day they called me, had me on speaker phone (because one of the girls that work there knows tyler well) and told me that our numbers were high (a 79 when they wanted around 80). They told me that they couldn't say the "p" word (pregnant) until my first ultrasound. We were sooo excited! I was so sure that the coordinator was lying. She reminded me of the announcer on The Amazing Race who tells you good news in a negative tone "I'm sorry Tyler and Ashley, but you have high levels!". I still kept getting better.

I was able to go pick up some cream that day so I could stop my shots. I was so excited to stop the shots that I didn't read the directions on when my next blood test would be. I thought my next visit was an ultrasound in a couple of weeks so I scheduled it. A week and a half later I had a message on my phone saying I missed my appointment for a blood test and that I would have to schedule my ultrasound a week after I planned IF my levels were high again. I came in the next day for the bloodtest and they ended up calling me in the middle of work the next day to tell me that my levels had dropped to 15, so I wasn't pregnant. :( They said it was probably a chemical pregnancy. The doctor later told me that with my high numbers at the begining, about 95% of patients stay pregnant for the second test so I was the lucky 5%. I had started to look at those pregnancy sites to see how far a long the baby(s) was so it was sad to let that hope go. Luckily they told me at work because I was forced not to cry.

So It didn't work the first time (which I hear happens a lot). Luckily there was one more egg that studied hard and turned into a grade A egg. We ended up freezing 4 eggs (one A egg and 3 B eggs). So wow, we are very blessed to have those four and not have to start all over again. Next time I will only have to get the transfer so I won't need all of the hyper-stimulation causing medication. It will be so much easier for my body and the procedure is really easy. :)

It really stinks to wait to get going again. I wish I could have just started it again the next week, but they want you to wait a couple cycles to let your body recover. So I have been on hormones again and it's a little different this time. The actual transfer won't be until the middle of June. SO FAR AWAY, URGH! is what I tell myself sometimes, but I know Heavenly Father wants it to happen at a certain time and I am willing to wait. I know it will be worth it! I have high hopes for the second try. Luckily we only have to pay for the meds (around $3,800) this time since we payed for two transfers originally.

Thanks again for everyone's prayers and fasting for us. It has given us a ton of strength. We wonder if I would have been in the hospital if I continued to be pregnant or maybe we wouldn't get the "Quads" we wanted-haha j/k. We would be super happy with twins or one baby. I know of so many girls who are trying to get pregnant. It is fun to hope for them and pray for them so I think less of my waiting. Happy Mother's day this Sunday everyone! Sheri Dew has this great short little book called "Aren't we all mothers?" I think so. :)

Our transfer of two grade A eggs!

Yesterday we went in for the egg transfer! The doctor brought us in a room and told us that we have two grade "A" eggs! He said he saw that there wasn't any A's the day before so he talked to the eggs and told them to start working on things. Tyler's family told me that these two eggs must have started studying more-:) Anyway, We feel so blessed! It is an answer to our prayers. He showed us pictures of our eggs and the A's look great! The rest of the eggs will divide two more days and then they will freeze any other good eggs for when we want to do a transfer again.

We then went into the procedure room where I took a Valium for the first time (they told me that although I may think the Valium is for me, it is for my uterus- :) ). Then we were able to watch on the ultrasound as they put this long skinny syringe up in my uterus and implant the eggs (it's kind of similar to an artificial insemination procedure). It was pretty amazing! Then I lied there for an hour with a full bladder to help my eggs attach. Luckily the coordinator had me drink 24 fluid ounces so it wasn't that bad.

The doc told me that I will probably not feel better and might feel worse if I get pregnant (especially if it's with twins) :( I don't know why I've had so much more pain than most people, but it's so worth it and I actually do feel a little better this morning :) I was on bedrest yesterday and will be tomorrow and Saturday. We had a free hotel stay in mesa that we won a year ago...but i don't think we'll be going :)

I'm still at a higher risk of developing severe HOSS because of my symptoms and the amount of follicles (he said I already have it, but it's mild). I will be taking the six meds for a while still and I get the shot in the bum every day for 15 days total unless i get pregnant and then it will be a lot longer...urgh...

I felt good about going through with the procedure yesterday so I need to put my faith in my Heavenly Father. I know that it is only through the Lords grace, love and Atonement that I am able to progress in this life. I couldn't imagine doing this all by myself. He has truly, truly been with me every step of the way :) I feel so weak and ashamed that I have to depend on other people to help me out every day, but I have been comforted by God and am thankful that others have felt the spirit to serve me through meals, treats, flowers, phone calls/texts, blog messages and words of encouragement (especially Tyler-he has been sooooo wonderful and sweet :) ) I know Heavenly Father helps us all by the service of those people on earth and in Heaven. I was reading in Mosiah 3:19 where King Benjamin tells us to "put off the natural man... and become like a child, submissive,meek,humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord sees fit to inflict upon us, even as a child does submit to his father. " Sometimes it's hard to be willing to be patient and willing to submit to ALL things which the Lord sees fit to inflict upon us, but I have a testimony that these things are true and hope that I will be able to always follow these things and grow closer to my Savior so that I can have eternal life with my family :)

My next appointment (if everything goes ok) is in two weeks. They will see if everything is growing ok. Then a few weeks after that I will have my first ultrasound! :) This has been a hard, crazy journey, but hopefully are worthy and will be blessed and if we don't have a baby this time, we know it's not in Heavenly Father's plan for us and we will try again :)

19 embryos

Today is the big transfer day! I woke up today very very excited! I was in a little less pain today so that was a bonus. I went to work yesterday from 7-7 (with 40 minute lunch). The doctor said i'd be ok and gave me permission. I waddled the whole day, but at least I could sit down. Last night we went to a spring training game with fam. and friends, and I realized there that I probably shouldn't have worked all day because the pain started to kick in. It was definitely worth it to go to the game. I needed some fun! I felt like yesterday was worse than the day before, but today i feel a lot better.

The results came in yesterday:
19 embryos: 2 have 4 cells (one is grade B and one is grade C), 5 have 3 cells (four of them are grade B and one is grade C), 12 have 2 cells (11 are B and one is C).
So we didn't have any grade A embryos, but she said there is a possibility that could change today. So we'll see! I'm just so excited we had so many!

We are going into the doctor this morning for the transfer. I will be on a full bladder for an hour after the procedure while i lie in the operatory room. I know the Savior sacrificed everything for us, and what a small thing we're doing for a baby :) I am just so excited!

31 eggs!

We were so blessed yesterday to have had 31 eggs retrieved from over 40 follicles. My sister-in-law told me it's like Easter :) These are the best Easter Eggs ever. Yesterday, they put a needle up through my uterus, through the wall of my uterus, through my ovaries and through almost all of the follicles one by one and sucked out the fluid and eggs inside. Then they put them in a petrie dish and introduced them to good sperm (only the ones with the nice tuxedos ;) and now they are dividing into several cells in the lab. Pretty exciting! So that's the good news.

The bad news is that I had a very painful day yesterday. I think of myself as pretty tough with pain, but I don't think the Vicodin was working for me (except the upset stomach/nauseous part). The procedure went well. I went in to a room and met the anesthesiologist, (basically handed him a $425 check for the drugs), dressed in a gown with a hairnet, went into the surgery room, got an IV stick and was given propafol (sp?), versaid (sp?) and ?-cant remember the other common one and then woke up in another room. Then I got two shots in the behind and they sent me on my way.

I watched movies all day yesterday-i felt bad doing nothing productive, but had no desire to move. I had all sorts of pain down there in different areas and going to the bathroom was a 15 minute ordeal because it was so painful rolling over and getting up and every movement after that. I had an appetite, but wanted to throw everything up after I ate it. I guess I was in a bad position watching a movie and couldn't tell because the vicodin was helping that area, but afterward I couldn't even lift myself up without terrible pain and it really hurt every time I took a breath. I had excruciating pain every 5 minutes during the first half of the day that lasted one second. I would yell "ouch!" and then it would pass. The doctor's office told me that they would get back to me on why I as having that pain. I think Everything was just manipulated so much down there and everything is messed up and my ovaries are very big and pushing on everything. I don't think this kind of pain is usual for this procedure. I talked to this girl who has done IVF twice and she said the first time she didn't have very many follicles/eggs and didn't have any pain the day of the procedure, but they doubled the drug dose the second time and he had a lot more (still about 15 less than me) and she was in a lot of pain. So you must be in more pain with the more follicles that are retrieved. Tyler gave me a comfort blessing last night and I slept pretty well. It was funny, the night before the procedure I couldn't sleep because I kept waking up worried that I wouldn't do everything I was supposed to on my list and one of them was to not drink so I would wake up with saliva in my mouth and was stressed out about swallowing my own saliva because it's fluid. Of course this was only because I was half asleep, but it's funny to think back on the situation.

Today I feel much better. Not enough to go to work though. I had to call my manager last night and tell her to reschedule the same poor patients again. They rescheduled them from monday to tuesday and now again. I feel so bad! But i know I couldn't make it. My stomache and insides hurt a little and I'm still nauseous today even without the vicodin. The big shot isn't bad at all and they said because I am littler, i can use an inch needle instead of the 1 1/2 inch. yeah!

They want to do the transfer either thursday or saturday. They are seeing if the eggs will mature more and divide more before they select the best two to place inside of me. I am planning to work from 7-7 tomorrow...hopefully i'll be up for it. Then we are going to a spring training game with friends and family.

I was just called by the coordinator at the office to tell me good news! out of the 31 eggs, 28 were mature and 22 and possibly two more are fertilized!!!! How awesome is that?! That number is huge! :) I will be able to have all of my 13 kids with that number :) j/k I am so happy after such a hard day yesterday. It is definitely all worth it! I had such a good friend bring me dinner and dessert last night. She is the best! I know I just need to pray unceasingly to my Heavenly Father for strength, courage and faith to get through this time.

Stimulation Day 10

This is the needle I will be using in my backside starting tomorrow-ouch!


HCG solution to start me ovulating tomorrow


Ganerelix shot

A few things have happened in the last couple of days. And I feel like my insides are going to pop more than ever! The nurse practicioner told me she'd call me thurs. night to tell me how much follistim to take the next day and when to come in next. She didn't call so I had to bring my follistim pen to work with me Friday. I haven't told the staff at my work I'm trying so I had to be sneaky. I wrapped the pen up in paper towels next an orange and put it in two plastic sacks so it looked like my lunch. I quickly stuck it in the fridge hoping no one would notice (they sometimes like to explore what's in the fridge). My day was crazier than ever and I never had a break because I had patients side booked with a ton of work to be done. I started work at 7 and looked at my watch at 10:00 and just decided to get up and call the office. I made it look like I was going to the restroom. I had a message from the office, but it was about Tyler. So I hid in a corner and called them and an assistant told me to take the same amount and she'd see me tomorrow. I told her that we had an appointment on Sat. originally and that I was told to cancel it in case I was coming in Friday. She seemed surprised and told me to come in on Saturday. So I secretly grabbed the pen from the fridge and headed to the bathroom and quickly stabbed myself in the leg. You are supposed to wait a minute for the solution to warm and the alcohol to be gone, but I was in a hurry so that injection stung a bit. I am so glad I practiced on myself another day now :) Luckily no one noticed me in and out of the fridge. So Tyler coaches a boy who's mom works at the doctor's office and told her we weren't called back and she said she would make sure we were treated the best from now on and she would take care of us. (sorry so detailed, but just want all of this for when I print this experience :) )

On Sat. morning I had an ultrasound. My ovaries are the size of small grapefruits. The doctor didn't tell me how many follicles were on the left side (I think he didn't want to scare me), but he said it was a little over 20. The right side has a little more than last time. Unlike the worried Nurse practitioner, he makes everything feel like there is no problem. My follicles looked huge on the ultrasound! There are 24 large follicles now and the rest are small. the biggest was 19.7 mm. So he said we could wait, but it is a bigger risk of complications with so many follies. So he said we would do the retrieval on Monday instead of Tuesday. He then told me because he likes me so much, I get half the dose of HCG (which stimulates the ovaries to mature and ovulate with a huge LH surge). Tyler told me the doctor tries to humor me because he knows if he answers my questions seriously I will ask more. He teases me that I keep him on his feet every time I come in because I have so many questions.

I was worried about the nurse practitioner not calling me the other night, so I went on PubMed and read many papers on IVF and it made me feel a little better. However, no one talks about patients with around 40 follicles. Even though the amount makes me nervous, I am grateful I have many follicles to increase my chances of having lots of eggs .

I talked to the baseball mom who works at the doctors office and she told me that I probably will be in the hospital at the end of this week because of all of my follies (but maybe not :) ) When the needle pulls out fluid and the eggs in the follicles there is fluid left over that spills out and goes into my abdomen and if it's too much they call it ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome (OHSS). I think this happens like 5-6 days after retrieval. If it's too much, I'll be going into the hospital. So hopefully they will be able to get a lot of the fluid out of the follicles tomorrow :).

Good news today: no shots :)

Tomorrow: We will be there at 5:45 a.m. ready to go. I will get IV sedation and hopefully I will remember to tell the anesthesiologist about my last surgery. They gave me too much pain medication after the procedure and I continued to stop breathing every time I fell asleep for 3 hours in the hospital. I wasn't allowed to fall asleep until that night (which is very hard when taking narcotics!).

During church this young boy gave a talk and had a speech problem. I thought, he probably gets made fun of at school, but us adults don't care and I know he won't have the particular problem he has when he gets older. But it's probably a big deal to him right now. I'm sure that is how Heavenly Father sees all of us in our trials. He is omniscient. He wishes we could just be happy in our trials and knows they will pass (even if it's not in this life). I know it is so important to have faith and courage. When I get down, I just try to quote one of my favorite scriptures "Have not I commanded the? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest."-Joshua 1:9

The size of oranges!

I'm not really getting used to the shots...I was hoping I would, but it doesn't really get better. But, I decided to give myself my follistim shot every day. I think it's because I'm enjoying the satisfaction of achieving something hard every day. It's a pretty awesome feeling :). Sometimes it's hard to push the stuff in my leg and tyler says it's hard because I'm not holding it like a dagger! (apparently that's how it's supposed to be done to him) I think he's secretly enjoying this...

I had another ultrasound today. This one is one everyone who goes through IVF gets. I saw the nurse practitioner who seemed a little more worried than the doctor did two days ago. I guess my endometrium looks good. She checked the right ovary first. She said my ovaries are the size of a good sized orange right now! that sounds huge! And my follicles are getting big. They are from 10-14mm (one was 14.7mm). This explains my bloated feeling I'm having the past two days :) The right side's amount increased from 15 to 17 follicles. Luckily, the left one stayed at 20 (becuase the doc said he didn't want it over 20). When I talk to people that have had IVF done, they talk about 18 or less follicles...and I'm at 37. hmmm... So the nurse practitioner decreased the dose to 100 IU today and they will possibly see me tomorrow for another ultrasound and on Saturday. I guess when the follicles are around 18mm, they retrieve the eggs.

The nurse practitioner told me that I can not run (good thing I hardly ever do) anymore or do anything bouncy. So only walking. I really wanted to try to get some workouts in before I get pregnant with quads so I was kind of bummed :)

The bloodwork lady gave me the best injection today so it was a good day. she also told me that the labor dispute was about non-union workers who helped build the scottsdale building where the doctor has another office. So all the workers are happy and present.

I had a blessing on Sunday and I am so grateful that the priesthood is on the earth today and I am able to have a worthy priesthood holder for a husband and father-in-law. They are great! I am comforted and know I will be ok. Although I am feeling blah and huge today, I am so excited about next week! It doesn't come fast enough. I was thinking about something that someone told us in church the other week. Picture everyone putting one of their hardest trials on a piece of paper and placing them all in a pile. Then everyone draw a piece of paper. Would you want to have someone elses trial(s) or yours? I know there are a lot of trials people have right now that I would not want and I'm grateful for the ones I have and for the opportunity to grow from them.

I loved a paragraph I read in a talk by Larry Richman. He said "One of the purposes of trials is to help us come to know Christ, understand His teachings in our minds, feel them in our hearts, and live them in our lives. Elder Richard G. Scott of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles explains that God loves us perfectly and “would not require [us] to experience a moment more of difficulty than is absolutely needed for [our] personal benefit or for that of those [we] love.” 5 President Harold B. Lee (1899–1973) once remarked: “Sometimes when [we] are going through the most severe tests, [we] will be nearer to God than [we] have any idea.” 6 "Larry Richman, "Learning through Life’s Trials", Ensign, Mar. 2010, 27–31

I have felt closer to God in this trial and I know more about His love for all of Heavenly Father's children individually. I just hope that I can always endure to the end so I can have eternal happiness with my family.

I did it!

Stimulation Day 5:

Today I conquered one of my biggest fears! Giving myself an injection! I know it was a weak injection because it was with the injection pen, but it was huge for me. For four days Tyler has been injecting 200 IU of Follistim (follitropin beta injection) in my thigh. He has done awesome. Each day, the injection was a little different on the pain scale. One day we accidentally forgot to line up an arrow in the right place on the pen and so nothing came out when injected so i had to get two that day. I only bruised a little bit on one of the days. So Follistim is helping my follicles (which hold the eggs) grow.
Today I started receiving two injections per day. I held off on the follistim this morning and started on Ganirelix Acetate. (This next part is boring, but I'm putting it in for me to remember at a later date) It is an antagonist (or blocker) of GnRH (gonadotropin-releasing hormone). GnRH stimulates LH (Leutinizing hormone) and FSH (Follicle Stimulating Hormone) and so Ganirelix Acetate will stop these hormones which will prevent me from ovulating too soon.

I did not like today's Ganirelix injection. The syringes are pre-measured, no pen, just a syringe with a needle. I think the needle is more thick or blunt or something because it hurt just a little more than the Follistim injection. Immediately afterward, the area stung and 3 inch diameter red circle developed around the injection site with a one inch lump in the middle. We didn't know what happened, but the doctor said these injection site reactions can happen more in the leg because there is more muscle than the fatty stomach (but there's no way I'm injecting in my stomach pooch so I'll just have to get used to the lump :) ).

I had an ultrasound today. They typically don't include this ultrasound, but I get an extra one because I'm at a higher risk for over stimulation of my ovaries (which can be life threatening). They drew my blood. Took a look around and found I have nice looking/sized follicles. They want between 10-20 follicles in each ovary and I have 20 on the left and 15 on the right, so they want those little guys to stop. So I am decreasing my Follistim dose to 150 IU today and then 125 IU tomorrow.

So my doctor said I could bring back my follistim pen and they could give me the injection since tyler is already at work. He called me a baby and said they have some babies who can't do the injection themselves (he was being sarcastic, it was all good humor). So I went home thinking, thinking, thinking. Do I call my mother-in-law and ask if she'll do it? or take the pen back to the office or do it myself? I was scared because there is only supposed to be 100 IU left in the carpule and I need 150 IU so I probably would have to do it twice, and what if I jumped? So after a while of me talking myself into it, I told myself that I needed to be brave and I really don't ever turn down a challenge that is reasonable so I was going to do it. It was scary, and I pinched my skin really hard so I would feel the pinch of my fat more than the needle and it worked! And I only neeeded one! And so now I am feeling pretty good about myself today :) I think I will have a frozen yogurt later to celebrate.

Thanks for all of the nice comments! I didn't think anyone would see this for a while, but I forgot how people have tabs on the most recent blog post. I only told a couple people I was blogging about this and most people I know here in AZ don't even know I have a blog. Thanks for everyone who fasted for us or have been praying for us! We have felt your prayers.

Stimulation Day 1

Today was Tylers first time giving a shot! He did so well! At first the fertility doctor told me that I would have to have two shots a day, one in the morning and one in the evening. I work until 7 pm on wednesdays so I thought I would have to give the shot to myself. So when he told me I started crying (this was all out in the hallway and I'm sure I scared a few people). I realized that giving a shot to myself is my biggest fear (I would rather have a spider dropped on my leg). I cried uncontrollably in the car for about an hour straight. I only stopped because I had to go to work. So I was so so soooo glad when the IVF (In Vitro Fertilization) coordinator told me that I could have both shots in the morning. That meant that all I had to do was beg tyler to give me the shots (which he hates anything to do with blood and needles). So I am soooo thankful to him for giving the injections to me.
I was going to watch him give the shot, but chickened out when he held the pen like a dagger so I turned away. He gave the best shot in my thigh! Better than the shot lady at the fertility clinic! It hurt a little. It was actually a little sore all day on the 2 inch area surrounding the injection site. It was not fun when i bumped the area on anything.

This is the chair where Tyler gave his first shot! (I know, i'm a nerd)


The length of the needle (1/2 inch length)


The pen which holds the needle


It's so awesome to have my own sharps container!


I put this picture in because you can still have a happy day after your husband gives you a shot. I went to the Arizona dental convention today and had a really fun lunch with my two hygienists Paty and Staci (the staff members at both offices don't know i'm even trying to get pregnant and I hope they don't find out for a while)


Can't wait for tomorrow morning! (sarcasm) :)

What am I thinking?!

I don't know why I'm going to write these next posts. :) This is not like me and I have been very private about this subject for many years, but I have felt prompted to write my experience on my blog. I wanted to write everything in my journal, but at least typing is much faster and maybe I can print this off for my kids at a future date. So here goes...

My In Vitro adventure:

Ty and I have been trying to have kids for years. We love kids! Any one who has known me since I was little has known that I just love being around children. They are just so close to God and I just love the spirit I feel when I'm around them (I do know that they are naughty at times :) ). We haven't had success in the having kids area. My plan was to have kids while in school, but that didn't work out. When I used to pray about it, I didn't feel like we were going to have kids for a while. I just know that it will all happen on the Lords timetable. I have had many priesthood blessings and answers to prayers that are amazing and comforting and I just know that everything will be ok and we will have children. It is just so incredible to know that the Lord knows our thoughts and righteous desires and he feels our heartaches and pain and He can and does comfort us in times of trial.

Quick background:
When we lived in Pennsylvania I went to physicians, an OBGYN and a fertility doctor and no one could find out what was wrong with me. My blood work was all testing normal. they thought they found something and I had surgery and there was nothing there. They wanted me to take hormones, but we prayed and didn't feel right about it at the time partly because I have a clotting factor mutation. So I finished school trying to do the basal body temperature thing (where you take your temperature every day to try to see when you're ovulating).
When we were in AZ, we felt good about starting hormones and found we had to start over with everything we did in Pennsylvania. So after a year of going in circles and not going anywhere in AZ, I finally put my foot down to get the fertility doctor rolling. I had a surgery for something I didn't have in Pennsylvania and transferred to a new fertility doctor closer to our new house. I was told that there is just some connection in my brain not working well...who knows what? and Ty has some problems as well related to him having Multiple Sclerosis. So we finally were able to try artificial insemination (yeah! Something that finally moved us forward in our process) and that didn't work, so we are moving forward (yeah again!) to in vitro fertilization! This is where they take all the eggs out of me from one cycle and then place two fertilized eggs back inside me and see if one (or more) will grow!

I have been on birth control pills and vitamins for a month to give me some Estradiol and vitamin goodness. I had an ultrasound on Wednesday. They told me they think there is 6-7 follicles in my right ovary and 9-10 follicles on my left ovary! They told me that they want between 5-10 on each. Because I am younger (28) and have irregular cycles, they will typically see a higher number of follicles in my ovaries. This can be good for freezing purposes. As I was driving out of the clinic I saw some workers holding out a banner protesting about a labor dispute between them and the fertility doctor. So hopefully there will be enough workers to help us out!

Tomorrow I start the fun stuff (sarcasm)...the daily shots. I had all of my medication come last Saturday. It was pretty intimidating. Tyler will be giving me the injections. I am hoping he won't pass out. :) I am so grateful that he is willing to give me the shot because I don't think I could do it. I am so happy we have been moving forward and we have a chance to be parents :) I know whatever happens is God's will.