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Wow managed to get in. Okay great. Let me just waste 10mins of my time writing this and stop and l shall be back to my normal self once more.

I don't know where to start or what to let out my frustrations on. I really don't know how to open my mouth and ask for help oh well. I really want to talk to my parents or maybe even brothers at times. To tell them how I really feel about certain matter. But as much as I want to open up and speak up about how I feel, I feel so restricted. I don't know why. After all they're family right? But I guess this has always been the case. Whatever I feel bad about or good about I'll just keep it to myself. Maybe telling close friends about it. But what else? I will also want to open up to my parents telling them what's going on on my life.. What's happening to me etc etc. but why is it that whenever I want to speak up, I will get chocked by my own tears? Really because I have too many upsetting matters or what? I never really had a chance to speak up. Not even when such a big matter have happened to my brother. I just keep mum about it. Why? I don't know either. Maybe i feel that if I speak up I'll only create more unnecessary troubles that was not there in the first place. Maybe I should learn to speak up before I even talk about all these things here. I'm sick and tired of it alr. Ppl see me as happy go lucky but what do I really think of myself? I feel that I'm such a useless coward. Always hiding and avoiding my troubles for as long as I can. Until I have to really face it. But that is not all. I know I have my close friends who an be there to support me but they cannot be there 24/7 for me right. Whenever I feel down like what I usually do I just shut up and cry in my own corner. Haha that sucked. How many times have I done this alr? As much as I'm wasting my time here. I really feel that there's no where else where I can fully vent my frustrations. Or maybe because I'm just going thru pms right now so I'm so emotionally unstable. But on top of all these I'm really scared. Scared of disappointing ppl again. What if I have to do this again? Will I be strong enough? It's only the second time and I'm so scared and unstable. What if there's a third time? Will I be able to take it? Yes yes and of I tell this to my mum she will probably screw me telling me of saying that I should have started preparing for it earlier. But what to do? I mean I'm like that right? As much as I'm scared for the paper tmr I really want to do well, and join all my other friends.
Will my efforts come to a waste even though I did so much for that certain subject? Will I get my deserved results? I have endless doubts of myself. And my abilities. But all I wanted to really do is to do well an make my parents feel proud of me. Is it really that hard? Am I supposed to blame myself? I wish I can confide in my parents more. Yes I know they love me, I love them too. Who don't love their own parents? Times where I really broke down and cried in front of them... At most only twice? Or maybe thrice haha. That feeling of crying into my dad's arms is really... Great. I really love my parents and I swear I don't want to lose them as much as I dislike their naggings. Oh well parents. Can't believe how my tears are falling when I typed all this shit out. Now I feel so much better. Time to get back to work and work hard for me my parents and friends. :)

Alright I wasted about 20mins hahaha but whatever. It was a well spent 20mins.