because i know i can't do anything. so i wun do anything either.

clearly i knew that i am not who nor what you want. the future that you foresee is not what i can offer. since i knew there is no future nor outcome between u and me, i wun even try.

有一种爱叫做不拥有。

我曾经喜欢你。但你可能不知道。现在我也不想让你知道。
我没办法给你你憧憬的未来，那我宁可不介入你的憧憬。
至少你还能够继续拥有对未来的憧憬。
因为“希望”，是让人活下去最强而有力的动力。

我喜欢你，可是我不想跟你在一起。
像现在这样没有负担的一起做很多事，也可以很幸福。
有了名分，就有了责任。但却不是我不想负责任，而是我没资格。
所以，既然已知道你不可能接受没有未来的“我们”，
我何不努力经营现在没有身份的“我和你”来得实在？

你想去哪就去哪，想跟谁干嘛就干嘛，不需要跟我报备也不需要担心我会吃醋。因为我和你就只是我和你。没有obligation，没有任何关系。100%的自由。在我心里你也不会是 first priority。第一是家人，第二是自己，第三或许是你。我不想承诺任何事。我不做没把握的承诺。我唯一可以保证的是，我会在这里。只要你需要我，在我能力范围内可以做到的，我一定在这里。我不说我等你还是什么的。但你知道的。不管怎样，你有我。

我不想让自己再陷入无止尽的漩涡。
现在的我没有能力爬出来。

都说天蝎真的很怀旧。一旦喜欢了，就会一直喜欢。虽然可以掩饰，可以淡忘，但是如果又遇到同样的处境，还是会陷进去。

我以前喜欢过一个人。在她最失落的时候遇见她，在她最脆弱的时候喜欢上她。但我印象中，她给了我很确实的距离。我没有表白，所以没有被拒绝。但我知道她没有给过我机会，所以我也没执着。但当时我们之间变得很陌生。简直没什么联络一阵子。就好像两条平行线，又各过各的。没有任何交集。最近我们之间又有很多接触了。太多交集，我好像快要失控了。。虽然我付出从来就没想要回报，但是一味的付出会让我变得很脆弱，让我很容易暴露我的弱点，很容易受伤。

乘现在我还没有非常强烈的感觉，还在可以控制的时候，我想反省一下。

我曾经喜欢她。曾经。
现在只是好朋友。就只是好朋友。
我不想陷下去。因为我知道没结果。
所以现在我要冷静。靠的太近了，我要退后。

因为我真的害怕。。

如果我每天都感恩，或许我真的会深深体会我其实是幸福的。

每当我真的深陷困境的时候，我才会发现，我身上真的很多恩典。其实自己一直都很幸福，就是自己没发现而已。

今天带着生病疲惫的身体去帮表姐弄电脑。其实真的很不舒服，很不想去。但是最后还是去了因为已经答应人家了。这个星期其实没有很好过。我的budget也早就赤字了。所以去表姐那里其实很不划算。时间来回就两个小时了。单单去那里弄一个五分钟就可以解决的小问题真的很不值得。但是今天又有奇迹发生。表姐竟然给我红包因为我特地过去帮她。我真的没想到会有钱拿。而且是在我真的很缺乏的时候。。这个礼拜我又不用愁了～我不得不感恩，耶和华以勒！

终于～～今晚我可以一点之前睡觉了！

我已经很久没祷告了。也渐渐不相信有神迹这回事。但今天我不得不相信，上帝做事有他的计划。不是不应验我的呼求，而是他认为时间还没到。他的时间总是在最恰当的时候给予最恰当的帮助。

我已经连续三天埋头苦干赶数学的assignment。两个晚上都到天亮才睡。就是怎么样也搞不清楚。尽管我已经尽我最大的努力，付诸所有的精神，还是没什么进度。两天ton night才做了差不多5题。今天我真的已经很累了。头脑和身体都已经快撑不住。同样一题我算了两个小时都解不了。真的有想放弃的念头。我对自己说，这题再解不了，我就放弃了。毕竟我已经尽力了。虽然我真的会遗憾，可是我也没办法。。

就在这个时候，我的数学老师发微信给我。把算式解答给我。我真的没想到老师会在这个时候伸手帮助我。。我不想盲从的抄答案。所以我很认真，很仔细的研究老师的算式，然后在自己尝试其他的题。就这样，我渐渐对我的calculation有了信心。渐渐我的计算越来越准确。终于，我完成了80%。其他的20%我明天再努力。今天从20%到80%这种雀跃的心情，我真的没想过～而且是因为数学。

天使！

真的是天使啊！在我最无助的时候，最沮丧的时候，上帝派了天使来搭救我。。
此刻我心里充满感恩。上帝在我身上的时间总没错过。还好我没放弃。还好我坚持了那五分钟。就在我坚持的时候，上帝就应允我无声的叹息。耶和华以勒！

Consecutive 2 nights of ton night. I bet my panda eyes are damn obvious now.. T.T tmr will b another ton night for me.. At least have to finish 3 quater of the math assignment.. So fatigue... Gosh...

我好像都已经忘了是多久以前，为了什么，崩溃，无法呼吸。。甚至要发短信求救，好让我平静下来，好好呼吸。。应该好久了吧。。。

今天明明很累却无法入眠。突然间想起了那一段破碎的记忆，断断续续。。

没有结局。

我最讨厌夜深人静的时候。。。

记忆就喜欢在我意志薄弱的时候折磨我。

Suffocating...

I believe that I have some sort of phobia toward maths.. I went to the tutorial today, but I am completely lost until the end of the tutorial.. I cant even catch anything from it. Perhaps is my understanding capability too poor not my prof speaks too fast ba.. I am dead.

Then I went to sst to collect my yusheng. Surprisingly even fanny also can read my mind.. Is it that obvious?.. I am kinda hold back ady... Anyway, my chance is nearly zero ady since there is new rival arises.. Haiz.. Just let it be ba.. Perhaps slowly I will not feel so sad anymore..

Suddenly she popped out this, " idk la. if you feel that you talk to me because you're lonely then dun lo." shocked me to death... What had gone wrong sia... She get the wrong idea of my words... I panic. I think I was blank n dunno what to respond.. N I know she angry ady... I digging my own grave.. Haiz... Game over liao me...

My heart sank when I know u r attached...
It has been so long, but I still feel sad. But is ok. Wish u blissful n happy...

激动！！！

不敢相信我竟然看了一场长达七个小时的话剧。可是真的值回票价！虽然我的主要目的是去看李宇春的～可是这剧的剧情真的是精彩绝伦！！！

谢幕那一刻，我的心是满满的。满满的感动，满满的兴奋，满满的佩服。七个小时的剧真的不容易演啊～而我家的小葱几乎每一幕都有演。所以真的大饱眼福。看着小葱的身影就够了～～好开心啊！如果还有下次，我一定要买舞台边，就可以清楚的看到李宇春了。。可惜啊～～当时买票的时候钱包没那种能力啊～～～

真的好累好累啊。。。。集中精神七个小时果然是有点勉强。。。让我在回味一下心中这股感动和春春的身影,再入睡吧～～

当自己珍惜的事物被别人糟蹋，那种愤怒，那种不甘心，只有自己清楚。。

我一点也不想介入，因为我不想做第三者。我的处境很尴尬。因为我曾经不知觉就成了你们的第三者。现在只要我关心你多一些，可能不必要的误会就产生了，就算我对你只是亲人般的关心而已，闲话还是会有的。

我依然关心你，在乎你，但我对你一点意思都没有。我只把你当妹妹来疼。没有其他的。

我对界线一向都分的很清楚，所以希望你可以明白我的苦衷。

Enjoy life n food in Day 2 with my new wife~

food hunt with chien again~ 2 broken souls seeking the feeling of happiness via food again~~~ hahaha... Today went to jem again for cheese cake to celebrate人日~ so ya. Happy birthday to everyone!

Having a lots of fun with my new wife, my Sony QX-100 camera~ Bringing her to record the life im having now. Looking at my world from another perspective..

Im alone, but im not lonely. I kinda enjoy my personal space n time with myself now.. Although i took some time to get used to it, but now im comfortable with the alone situation ady. I'm shifting my energy and focus onto my studies from working. Still adjusting, both physical and mental... Buck up buck up!!

I never betray you.
I never start a new beginning before I fully put u down n move on..
I know she might bcame the replacement that divert my attentions from you, but I never like her before u n me were cool again.. I swear all the crush toward her begins after I've move on.

I cant dwell into u n me forever.. I think u wouldn't wan to see that also. I dun wan you to see me grief over you. I cant face u either at that point of time.. Too painful for me to witness how blissful you are with him. So I choose to hid from you..

Now since im cool again, I suppose just let this crush thingy become past tense.. I just wish everyone ard me are doing better than me.

一步一步迈向我的独身主义。
一步一步实现我的理想。。
为我自己奋斗多一下！
再努力一阵子，
靠我自己的努力让自己活的更自信！

与其一直推销我自己，不如让别人来发掘我的好。

I dun like to stare at my fon n wait for nothing. This is so NOT ME. So annoying. Why did I let the person who I waiting to take control of my emotions when I supposed to be the master of myself. Hate this kind of helplessness so much...

Let me go

It may b ridiculous to some ppl, but nap helps me to change my mindset..

I wake up feeling stressful n fatigue today... Coz I have so many tutorials n lab assignments this week. I can barely move my feet coz I was exhausted from working last night..

I asked myself what do I wan to do today?
Ponteng.
What do I want for this week?
Catch up those Webcast I missed.
Then I rest on my bed and just nap.

I wake up feeling refresh n my paradigm shifted. I have a direction and I know how to achieve my plan. I still worry, but not panic anymore. Take it slow and steady. Feel my pace. Feel my breathing.
Just b myself. Follow my heart.

Perhaps ppl might say this is actually  procrastinating. But this Is how I deal with my stress.. Hurry also no use. Coz my body cant cope with the stress, n falls sick so easily, then it delay even more than taking my own sweet time..

I will survive thru this week. I will.

Perhaps I care too much, stepped across the line where I supposed to be.. I had enuf. This is furthest that I go. I wun even fight for u in the first place if there is a guy waiting for you. I wun fight with a man over a girl Because there is no possibility that I would win.. I always stand zero chance in relationship..