i dun like this feeling....

early in the morning i woke up and feeling tense.. coz my sis' friend is going to visit me and tumpang at my place for 2 nights. so i did prepared and clean up my room for her. then wait wait wait.. no respond from my sis. never tell me what time they will arrive nor what is their plan. then fine, i have lesson to attend. so i went to my lab. then still no respond. i kinda exhausted and tired, so i went back to pgp and do my tutorial. hungry then go eat and continue my tutorial... still no respond. then i really angry and stupid fever. i go nap and wake up ard 7, no miss call no text nothing. well~ not my problem liao. then i just ignore and do my tutorial. until now, still no respond.

WTH??? Are they expect me to stand by 24/7? or am i a hotel here? want to stay or dun want also never say? what do you wan me to do? expecting my time is always free is? i am not going to entertain them liao. waste my time and energy for the whole day.. waiting and expecting someone is really very tiring. whole body is so tense up. coz dunno what time they will call me n i need to rush to that place... faint la... this kind of ppl....

then the doc asked me to monitor my temperature. if tmr still having the same pattern, need to see him again.... so tmr i need to go UHC again... 4 times in 3 weeks... very good la me... start my sem with poor health...

now flaming angry. ignore ignore!!!

random

I've been sick for quite a few days.. weeks actually. Was not really concious when i on fever. It's kinda hard to concentrate with dizzy brain..

Today is the first day of tutorial week. I almost faint by the workload. Luckily i wake up earlier today and did my homework, else really screwed up in tutorial...

Then after lab, rush to funan to sent my lappy to hospital... it has been lying on my desk lifeless for 4 days. Tried everything i can just couldn't revive it... T-T mac de service is really very very expensive... next time i must not waste this kind of 冤枉钱. Next time i wan to be intern at mac service centre. Then i can save up all these money liao...

Last still this stupid fever.. nw finally drop liao.. hopefully i dun need to eat so many panadol for next few days. Really bad for my liver actually...

我究竟是用怎样的心情来说那段话？。。到现在我的心都像被揪着，松不开。。早就预料到你会如此对我，就不该再有奢求你会再见我一面。。我已经没有退路。无法像以前那样奋不顾身，现在的我，真的没办法。过去让它过去。。。不是我错过你，是你先放弃我的。就算我会一直等。十年，二十年，也不会有改变。你依然会放弃。换个身份吧。我不想拖累着你一辈子。能遇见你，我已经很幸运。有幸跟你作知己我已别无所求。。我相信，我们这种不说话的默契可以持续一辈子。我真的很爱你。所以我现在必须放下你。你自由了。

难道最近是分手的季节？

其实不太喜欢听到身边的人闹分手。。

毕竟好不容易在一起，为什么要为小事而分开？

最普遍的借口也就那几种。。

不适合啦，压力啦，不爱了。。。

本来可以一起努力克服，为什么要放弃？

如果一开始就没打算坚持，那为什么要开始？

最后搞得两败俱伤。。。

心破碎了就无法复原。

为什么不为自己的决定负责任？

鄙视。

为什么我在你眼里永远都是那么卑微？。。
就那么不值得你一点点的时间？

我成功了。
多么的兴奋，多么的想让大家知道我有多高兴～
之前连想都不敢想可以当cluster leader。
今天有机会，我就给自己一次勇气，结果真的中选了！
我还以为我会落选，因为我的对手是year 3的学生。。
真的太高兴太兴奋！！

第一时间告诉你，但我却得到你的冷漠。
心凉了。。
兴奋也消失了。。

不该看重你对我的态度。
一开始就对自己说好了。
但我多多少少还是会有期待。。
是我不对，以后不多想了。

为什么我是天蝎座？。。

我好想见你。。但是耳边却回响着你过去狠心地回答。。。

过去一幕幕让我好痛。。

为什么天蝎要背负这些痛苦。。。

为什么我放不开，走不了。。

我好难受。。。

好难过。。

戒

我戒不了爱你。。。

我需要赶快离开这里。。
这里诱惑太大，我真怕我会忍不住开车去找你。
我真的该赶快离开这里。。。
你说不想再见到我，留在这里会让你困扰的。。
你又要躲我多久。。。
又要与我断绝来往多久。。。

我俩太不公平，爱和恨全由你操纵。。

我真的很爱你。。
但你最讨厌的就是我对你的爱。。
你对我太重要，我真的戒不了。。。

我真的需要你。

困兽

夜晚，是可怕的野兽。
到处寻觅空虚的灵魂。。
这空荡荡的房间，
到处都是你的影子。。。
我独自与这猛兽搏斗，
一个人面对这无尽的煎熬。。
迟迟无法入眠。。
睁开眼，
又是你的影子，你的气息。。
无止尽的循环。。。

我离不开你，但我却也无法靠近你。。
这般地下情的情节，
到底是真实的还是虚拟的幻想？

究竟是我困住了你，还是你困住了我？。。
我已经无法分辨。。

Sometimes i wonder what is the definition of happiness...

was having a wonderful time with my "one and only beloved". was outing with her last night and this is really out of my expectation because i thought we will never be friend again. when was the last time we smile with no awkwardness and guilt on our faces?... how long? how long?... only that someone who meant so much to you can cause so much of pain to your heart. i've lost all my hope and happiness ever since that day. yet i am grateful for all the past and painful experience which make me stronger and slowly walk out from the sorrow. i am really grateful that we finally met after a very long period of cool down. time forces us to grow, and we move on. finally we can talk like normal friends and face each other without escaping each other's eyesight.

i still love her. but we aren't going to be together.
we can be friends, even soulmate. but will not be together.
and there is no point to be together since i do not want to tie down by the title.
there is no point if the feeling is not from both parties..

am i in open relationship? i doubt so.
我爱的人，并不是爱我的人。
I still leave my options open..

So... i am still single and available~

i really enjoy the visit to SEA Aquarium because i love to see fishes~ i like the colorful appearance of them. i envy the simple life they having. just need to swim and eat. unfortunately, i am not a fish.. too many things occupied my mind and i cant lead a simple and innocent life.

however, i am grateful that i have my source of happiness with me now.
more good life are moving towards me..
stay positive is the key.

Grateful for all the small little events that happen ard us.

There must be a reason behind it to happen.

Life had drained all my energy in the past few days. I got this weird rashes at my neck. Very itchy and it started to get painful when i sweat... i had tried varies powder la, cream la, it just get worsen everyday.. furthermore i working for the long weekend. So it is very inconvenient for me to keep my affected area dry coz i sweat alot during work.

Long weekend, sushi tei is extremly busy as usual. When i reached home, i was fatigue... feeling weak then i realised i was fever all the while.... not sure is the rashes or is the busy work.. it doesn't matter also coz I still feeling weak and tired either way.

Then yesterday was my last day at sushi tei, so i came home quite early. then i was so glad that the hell like life is over.i no longer need to wake up early in the morning and rush here and there to work. Finally the stressful working life is over. But then, i check my timetable to design for the tutorial balloting, i felt so stressful.. what if i cant get my module... i am still bidding for my forth module... end up i didn't do much cleaning for my room. i was doing so much planning for the timetable. Still cant get it why they dun just preallocate all the modules for us instead.. timetabling is such a pain!!!

Today is the new sem. New start for me. Just forget about all the failure in the past and move on. Jiayou jiayou jiayou!

Going to slack tmr~ have fun!

花心

无法原谅这样的自己。。。
怎么可以放纵自己的心到处游走？
就算是不可能在一起的也不该不专一。。
一个是我早就该放下的，
一个是明明白白清清楚楚拒绝我三次的。。。
但到底我该怎么样。。。

我也需要一个心灵寄托。。
一个能让我一心一意喜欢的对象。。
我不需要名分，不需要回报，更不需要她的喜欢。
我只需要她不拒绝我的付出就行了。
我也不是什么有钱人，
没有能力让她拥有富裕的日子，
所以我也不奢求什么。
我拥有的也不多，
但我真的愿意付出所有。
只是这个对象好像不曾存在。。

平静下来。
不该想那么多，没必要。。
我的决定，我对自己负责。
就算我真的花心，也没有人可以指责我
单身的我，花心有什么不对
反正没有人会在乎

悸动

尘封已旧的感情为什么还要被翻开？。。
好不容易平静的心又泛起了涟漪。。
好痛。
呼吸好痛。。。
思念已回不来的过去，
眼前又浮现出以往一幕幕的幸福，
但无限的自责却让我无法呼吸。。。
我的心好吵闹。。
到底我想怎样？？

你曾经是我的挚爱。
到如今，依然是我的唯一。。
此时此刻耳边依然听得见你哀求我放手的声音。。
无法逃离的罪恶感，一辈子缠绕我。。。

就算我还爱着你又能怎样？
你依旧无法接受我。。
就算我现在已经不奢望跟你在一起了，
也不想要任何名分，你会不会让我不求回报的对你付出？
会不会不再逃避我？
还是依然会再次哭着求我放手？。。。
我的心不可能再承受得住你的祈求。
再一次我一定会崩溃。。。

我的心一直有你。。
我以为我不看不听不想就能放下你。
但对你的情，一直都在。。

我的心怎样，都是我的事。
无论有多么不舍，我也不会勉强你接受。
你只想做朋友，我会尊重你。

收起来...
这些不该浮现于世的感情，通通收起来。
这是我能给你的最后的温柔。。

Gateaway

Big surprise~~ this room is out of my expectation! Perfect for 4~ really comfy and nice ~ worth my RM158~

Tonight i gonna have a nice and sweet rest~

Jello my sweet gateaway~

ONS

Guilty much..... But since you had treat this like nothing had happened, I shall just treat this as ONS with open minded.

I am so confused..

Deep down in my heart i still love you... No matter how long it has passed, you still have a place in my heart. Although I knew we will never ever get back together again.. You always live in my heart. I can face you like normal friend. I can even treat you like nothing had ever happened before. Because I had put down and move on.. 

I am not a playboy. I can't have 2 people on my mind simultaneously..

When I had decided to like someone, i put whole hearted into it...

I already have LTJ on my mind now, so I can't put you on my mind...

Although her and I will not ever be together. 

I still wish to stay by her side..

So... I am confused.... 

Unless you would come back to me, otherwise that is not possible for me to flirt ard...

Loyalty is the only thing that I am proud of...

ONS is just ONS...

I wun think much about this. 

You shouldn't too... If you have decided to move on, you shouldn't.

YEAH!!!! My xPeria Z is finally belongs to me!!!!!

Will post some photos tmr~ now fatigue... Din sleep at all last night....

Fight or flight

撇清撇清〜 你就那么忙着撇清。好像我会吃人那样。。唉〜无语。。。

When will you give me another " what do you want? " again?...

Why are you so scare of me? 

Although I really like you, but doesn't meant I want us to be together.

I might be really selfish. I enjoy the feeling when I with you. 

I like the "free feeling" and it make me happy~

I like to chat with you freely and hangout with you.

Is there anything wrong to love to feel happy? 

Aren't you the one who honor the "rules of the secret" so much?

Someone been saying, this is a choice of life. 

And this is my choice of life. Not yours. 

So what are you worry about?.. Just treat me like normal friend will do~ 

I wun force anyone to do anything that is against his/her will.

And I never wanted you to treat me the way I treat you.

I wun lie to you that I do feel a thing of you, and you knew it if you had read this blog all this while..

Please dun feel obligation to respond to me or whatever.

The only thing that I need from you is just be who you are.

I adore and admire the independent and strong minded you.

Just be who you are.

You may ignore me if you please, and i wun have second word on this.

So just be casual~ dun be stress~~

If you still choose to run away, I have nothing to say.

Fight on or flight, is your choice.

现实

这种压力压得我喘不过气来。。钱啊钱啊。。。。为什么怎么赚都不够的。。。。

现实很残酷，偏偏要我在家人和金钱上做个选择。。

为了这个一千八百块的宿舍费，我日夜奔波，到最后，好像还是赶不及。。。

我慌啊！！！

一时冲动把新币换掉了，现在缺个大洞我该怎么办才好。。。。

本来预算我还会有至少一千可以当应急的储备金，可是现在我可能连宿舍的费用都来不及准备。。。

如果我明天真的倒下了，后果真的不堪设想。。。

九月的那份薪水真的太重要太重要。。。

我看只有我这种人才会八月一号就开始担心九月一号的薪水吧。。。

不是我money minded。

如果我有家人可以依靠该有多好。。。。

不必担心钱的问题还有多好。。。

过一天算一天的日子我还要过多少。。

开学后我可能还必须打工。。

学业为先还是生存为先？

现实又再逼我做选择了。。。

接下来的十个星期我就得再烦去哪里再搞来一千八百块。。

不然就得露宿街头了。。。

到头来，现实又要逼我做选择了。。

其实这些都不惨。

最惨的是我这些烦恼一个字都不能让我父母知道，

他们知道了该有多自责。。。该有多烦恼。。。。

我一个人烦就够了。

泪流干了，人就坚强了。

这次我选择不强求。

勉强没幸福的~ 我这次也看开了。。没有像上次那样伤心欲绝或是失望的感觉。其实我对自己说了声“哦”，然后就没感觉了。。可能是被拒绝多了，都已麻木了吧。。虽然我有点慌，不知道该找谁陪我去，但还是不勉强你。连理由我都没问。没事的~大不了跟妈妈去二人世界一下。就只是闷了点~

我心态改变了。你对我好，我当是bonus，额外的收获~你对我冷淡，我当是正常的。本来你就没义务回应我。所以我也没期待，就自然没失望~

谁先认真谁就先输了。。
那就再让我当loser多一次吧~
我现在只想全心全意认真的放心思在你身上。
再一次，认真的喜欢你。
就算以后不可能会牵手也没关系。
我没那么肤浅。
只要能像现在这样，我已经满足。

你会不会回应也不重要。
我不会后悔，也不会勉强你作任何事。
所以，没有任何牵绊，不需要你的commitment。。
只求不要躲着我就够了。

我老早就已准备好，输给你输得彻彻底底。