Hmmmmmm....

Hmmm... I think i am more n more imba liao.... This time round, i am really screwed... Can i say i like this girl? Or i should say i admire her? Hmmmmmm... Is very hard to say... I am not certain with this... Just felt happy to work tgt with her and like to see her when she is around... I am quite struggle this time... Is not easy... Seriously... I definitely out of my mind.... I can forsee it is impossible for us, but... i dunno either.. May b i shall just admire and do nothing ba... Not the time to b serious.... I shall calm down and b quiet about this...

Cut or keep?..

According to some research, a person's hair style will affect that individual's mood of the day...

Well... In my case, a person's hair style will affect a person's personality...

Shall i cut my hair super short n b butch again? Or i shall keep it long?...

I have no answer...

is this fair?

Why do i need to give up so many things just for this piece of shit?

Why am i sacrifies so many stuff just for this idiotic CCA??

Why??

STOP DEMANDING ME!!! I HAD ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!

WTH

SERIOUSLY!!!! When will these stupid idiotic time consuming meeting end sia???? I am not paying school fees for all these meeting man!!! I am damn furious now!! Make my life so tiring and stressful, HELL MAN!

bad sat

well... it was quite a heavy day last night... firstly, i went back to sushi tei for working. it is super tough as compared to what i did before i left around Feb.. it was very busy and very tiring.. expecially my leg, really cannot tahan. worst case is i din get any seat on the way to and back from work on mrt... = ="

then.... i ask her do she like girls. n i asked her do she know i like her, coz she is too sotong.. she say no. hell man... sad... actually is expected answer.. funny thing is she told me she like gay. LOL... but we chat a lot yesterday, like those stupid rumour she got before TP. n there is a guy who confess to her and she reject the guy straight away in his face. i felt so pity for this guy sia... hahaha... anyway, her reason is she is not ready, still dun want to tide up by relationship yet.

i am quite tired also... i think i am not suitable for relationship. being woo nor woo, i dun want any. it is more tiring to wait than wooing someone. i really gave up on guys le. guys sux!

6 dollars

how many meals u can eat with 6 dollars? let's challenge. pathetic 6 dollars is all i have now. bless me

Kinda tiring and stress recently...

too much of stuff occupied my brain and my heart, i am too tired to react and respond...

well, last fri went for Amazing race, epic fail. we only manage to go 1/15 stations. the 1st station is at east coast, so we went skating... now i realise one thing. skating is very suitable for ppl to 吃豆腐. one of the girl in the team cant skate, but she insist to skate.. so she held my hand and another guy's hand. all the way she hold our hand super tight.. i think the guy really enjoying although she held so tight until it hurts... ever since that day, my hand is blueblack n muscle tear until now...

recently i didn't have time for myself.. just like a zombie and breath... don't know what to do and what am i doing... first of all, is because of MP, coz my programming knowledge is too little to implement the game, so ziyi solo and i transfer to art disciplines although i am sux at art... too many things to learn and too many things to practice... my mind is like automatically shut off and tried to escape, which make me felt very disappointed with myself. what can i do? i cant do anything...

secondly, i am sad and down because i exhausted myself too much... this month is not a good month for me... alot of extra expenses suddenly popped out, i don't know what to do... as long as i still can sustain my life, then i think i should b fine... should b able to pass this month if i help myself... a lot of burden on my shoulder i don't have so much strength to handle it...

lastly is my cca... it supposed to end everything by 5 nov. but until now i still cant close case because my team is not cooperating with me... i am very angry yet i cant do anything either... i do not have extra time to scold them, i rather work myself and close the case then i am no longer have any business with this cca anymore. i am indeed too tired and tired about everything that happen in this cca...

I need a shore... where is my shore?.... i need some place for me to rest my mind....

发呆时就是很自然的回想起你

拿起手机时就是会很自然地看看手机有没有你的回复

吃饭时间就是会很自然地问问你吃饭了没

空闲时就是会很自然地想见见你

听歌时就是会很自然地想听听你听的歌

睡觉前就是会很自然地地跟你说声晚安

我想这并不是什么别的意思吧

我并不想做你的姐妹

today went dinner with her...

hmmm... actually i dunno m i serious this time.

coz i dun have special feeling toward her

may b just treat her like sister? but my subconscious just refuse to accept this.

dun ask me why, i do not know..

just now also went for desert after dinner,

then the aunty say we looks like sibling.

*speechless....

i dun know how to respond, so i just laugh off..

m i tired of 暧昧?

i believe so....

i felt so tired...

i never confess, n i dun think i will confess this time round...

coz after confess, may not b friend in the future, but if i dun do it, we can b friends forever

我们可不可以不要是“姐妹”？

today i open my fb account after so many things happen in this week,

i was shocked by one notification.

"xxx had listed you as sister, please approve it at your profile"

what the hell.....

我们可不可以不要是“姐妹”？

我想要的并不是朋友。。。

i straight away decline that request without second thought.

she still don't get it...

gosh.....

I shall kept distance away from her from now on..

心

人老了是不是越来越没有胆量呢？？

最近很容易被吓。与其是说单单被吓，不如说我的心脏很弱更为恰当。
除了香港那个惊吓之旅，最近都在跟小朋友混在一起。
昨天才知道，原来我的mentee是腐女（喜欢BL的女生），
今天发现我的学妹们个个都是状元。。哇哇哇。。不得了吖。。。

今天跟美女队友聊天，原来当明星不简单。很累的说。。。

我也是很累。。。心累了。。
我想最近心脏受刺激太多。。。
可以平平安安过完今年，就已经不错了吧。。

*sigh...

我以为我可以重新开始，以为我有机会。。。
原来只是我自作多情。。
又再一次受伤。。

tsk tsk tsk...
袁述惠啊袁述惠。。
你什么时候才肯学乖啊？？
你什么时候才可以管住你的心？？
再这样下去。。
你想伤到什么程度你才肯罢手？。。。

等。

我以为我真的没事了。。。真的以为我可以面对，不能面对的是她。。但为什么我现在那么纠结？。。那么难过。。

两年了。整整两年没有任何联络。。整整两年失去任何关于你的消息。我想打听都无处可寻，因你的同党都恨死我了。虽然昨天只是很随性的聊聊天，我却已经很开心了。没有什么比这个更好的礼物了。前天我反复无法入眠，是因为你的信息，因为你竟然安排时间见我。。这个我早就已经不敢在有奢望的愿望，它竟然实现了。你知道我有多紧张吗？昨天下午我病了，就连睡午觉我都会惊醒，急急忙忙找手表深怕我会睡过头。。其实我一到就看到你的车。。但我真的不敢往内看。。深知我伤你太深，就连你家人都恨我。。。终于见到你本人了，不再是相片里的你，而是活生生的你，坐在我的对面。很庆幸，我们的谈话没有很尴尬，没有很冷场。这是我最担心会发生的。。还好还好。。。最庆幸的是我们是以朋友的身份见面。我已经等这个名词等好久了。。。从分开到现在，大概三年了吧。。。

我知道你还不愿意跟我联络，所以我也不强求。这样就已经很好了。。久久见一次，只要不尴尬就可以了。我不小心在电话里洗了你的blog的网址，所以我没有其他途径可以知道你的消息。fb我也不是常常去你profile，只是有时在我的homepage的时候看到就读一下而已。没有stalk你。不用担心。

等你的季节，是我最近很喜欢的歌。有空就听听看吧。。我会继续等下去。总有一天我们可以像从前一样谈心，聊天聊地。我深信。

First Day in HK

This is so scary... i left sg to HK for my adventure... i am brave or i should say, i am pretending i am brave at changi airport. and i waves and say goodbye with my mum. on flight everything is fine. may be is because of the past experience in US, i am not scared. but after arrived at HK international airport, i am kinda scared... this is so scary!!! I cant find my way and i don't know what to do nor where to go.. first of all, buy octopus card(ezlink). next get a map. next get a sim card. first 2 went smoothly, the third, i cant find it... i din c any shop that sell the card... i am so scared...

now i am on bus to go my hotel... i am very very worry now... i cant speak cantonese and my eng is kinda broken.. i am scared... i am sitting opp a mother and a son, and they speak in proper british english.. oh gosh.... why i din learn cantonese well??? gosh....

crap...

this is soooooo tiring.... may b this is something call "price".. for a scary trip, i need to endure so much pain.. *sigh..

btw, i just reformat my laptop to 64 bit win 7. it is such a pain!!!! i was in sch until 11pm just to reformat it... drivers and applications are diff. need to prepare from scratch again.. but the performance is faster indeed.. unfortunately, my new bluetooth mouse is not compatible with 64 bit. so i waste my money again.. = ="

n yesterday i was very very bz typing emails and documents for Immersion Program. the worst thing is the advisor is on leave. so no one approve those documents. so anything happen, is non my business.

i pack my luggage until 2am, and supposingly need to go JB by 10am. so i wake up quite early... now i am damn tired.. panda panda..

now on the way to jurong east from tampines.... crap....

如果能让我选择，我可以是谁和我是谁，我希望我是后者。。。但往往。。。我都会是前者。好累好累。。。累得我不想再放任何感情，就这样过一辈子好了。。但现实总跟我唱反调。让疲惫不堪的我累上加累。。。我好累。。

Oh ya... just now was dinner with TPIS main comm at Pasir ris downtown. were playing truth or dare. Lucky me =P I was kiss by a girl! Woohoo!! n is a great beauty xD this game is lamr, but fun.. hahahahaha...

oh gosh....

it is like how long since the last post... in between, a lot of things happened... so i am lazy to update them.... coz too many..... =="

first of all, i was very bz because of the NCT things... and i cried a lot because of that.. n i think i am too friendly, my buddy scared like hell. ==" so next time i should be hostile toward japanese. then i wun scared ppl off.. ><

secondly, i am at malaysia now. and everytime i come back, sure got surprise. i just know that i am going to Hong Kong ALONE. my sis is pregnant, so she cant go there but she bought the airticket already, and she go there for performance... i cant ganti her to go perform, so i am backpack. ==" gosh.... flight next sunday sia..... so urgent....

i am tired.. cried too much... my eyes r still swollen...

i have been seacrhing for yingsze's blog for 2 weeks since i reformat my fon. it was a mistake that i forgot to backup the bookmarks... the worst is i cant remember the site address... so...i officially lost u now..

I am in love now!!!!!

I am officially in love now~~~

although i am uncertain how much i can contribute to this relationship,

i am certain that i will put in all the effort that i am able to give to her...

culture difference will not stop me from loving her.

i am not ready for more intimacy yet..

the sorrowful past is still troubling me...

i am still struggling...

it took me a lot of effort to leap 1 small step out from the sorrow..

it is very hard for me to say this, but i said them to her...

"I love you"

cherish what i have now...

life fullest with no regret.

i am in love now.... 1 week of honey-like life had past... since my confession... i am really happy n bliss... 3 more weeks left... i am sad indeed....

omg...... i fell in love with a nice girl.......
she does not fit in any of my minimum requirement for girlfriend...
she is taller than me, she is few days older than me, she is not scorpio, she is soooo nice n more sensible than me....
yet.... i m fond of her....

what will happen next? i only left 1 month.... i m sad....

Once again, I am officially SICK....

super low producctivity now.... die le la....
i m sad...
i lost more friends than made new friends...

may b i m just not so nice and hard easy to communicate..

我看不到曙光。。。

总觉得，随时失去生命并没有什么大不了。。
死就死吧。
这样悲观的我到底在为什么努力？

到底在争扎什么？。。。

"Get myself back"
i like this song very much... the first time i heard this song, i just cant stop listening to it, although i dun understand the lyrics at all... undeniable, i am always wanted to b myself.. but throughout my 21 years of life, how long i am "myself", the real me? i doubt is longer than 1 year... sad... always wearing different masks make me lost my real personality. i miss myself... may b i became a better person as compared to my past, may b i had became more successful as compared to my 一无是处 past... although changes is good, but i felt that i m no longer the "me" that i am.... sometime.... i hate who i am...

these days.... i m very down... i m too stress and restless.. mainly because my body refuse to cooperate with me as i wanted to chiong yet my brain kept protest and sailing all the time. i was very restless yesterday. i wake up, then i stare at the ceilling of my room, i cant wake up... i was lying on my bed the whole day... i can say i m enjoying my sleep when the rain is so heavy... i do nothing at all... whole day.. in that moment, i do find that, this is me. the real me... lazyness.... simple minded... or i should say, blanks in mind... free from all the troubles... although it is just that moment... i hate myself even more... "man r contradicting creature" i wanted to b myself, yet i hate "myself" more when i became "myself" back. I really lost myself.... who m i? what m i?

well... it had been a while since the last time i blogged... mainly is because i m very very busy n exhausted since the past month... TPIs had occupied my whole month since mid April.. non-stop meeting n events until today... tomorrow is my only chance to rest and charge my battery...

although TPIS is quite mafan n tiring, but i really know a lot of freshies... i remember their name summore =) it is so interesting to remember their name n shout their name out of sudden when they dun even know who m i. XD xD XD some of them r quite friendly to me while some of them r not. but i really enjoy myself playing around with these freshies... they alwas bright up my day =)

today had a Istana Outing at Orchard area.. wake up super early coz i m suppose to commit as i going to stop all my TPIS commitments start from May... so ya... overall is quite interesting coz i "flirting around" with my china freshies... a lot of good looking girls this time... n they r fooling around with me also.. damn epic... i really felt no regret to accompany them since week -1until today... they r really interesting n nice =D hope to spend more time with them but i dun think i got the chance anymore... sad...

i feel very very uneasy and shy when someone stay too close to me. as in step into my "private" zone. today... someone is hugging my arm for the whole day in public... = =" i know she dunno i m "special" in some way, so i try to walk away so that she is outside my zone... really dunno la... may b her culture love to hug ppl?? dun really understand how she think...

i dunno what i want. rcently, ppl around me r all couple.... i really felt very very hurt after break... i m silly n stupid... let a playgirl hurt me so badly when i know she never serious in me....hope this busy sem will numb me so that i got no extra memory space to sad for that...may b i should really let it over... no point cry over spilt milk... she wouldn't come back to me also... stop wasting my tears....

hopefully i can survive before i fly off... this term is blok teaching which is alreally very very packed schedule n because of gambit, my term become 4 weeks. which means i need to submit my mgpg final delivery by week 5. n do my bscg presentation before my class test. and submit my gaud assignment by this coming friday... i think i m going to b zombie from tues onward.... what a miserable life i have....

yesterday is a unforgetable experience for me....

I BATH IN GUY'S TOILET SIA!!!!!!! LOL!!!!

today too tired, so update tmr... nite world...

well... i think i had tired up myself for quite a while.... i quite sometime din play games ady... quite some time din sleep well without the need to wake up early... quite some time din have a nice meal... quite some time din watch movie nor hang out with friends.... my vacation is like no life at all.... meetings, working, events, camps.... irritating sia.... =(

recently i fell in love with drinking. i noe i m lousy. i also know the drunk feeling doesn't feel good. yet i like to drink now... may b when i drunk, my mind can finally rest for a while... my body finally get to fall into deep sleep without any dream... when i drunk, i wun think so much nor thinking of you..... is kind of relief.... i think.... lol... recently i love bottom up.. although drunk faster, but i like drunk... crazy me....

i m confused...... m i really fall in love with yinru, or yingsze? the name is similar... even the hp number is similar.... sometime i really confused... i dunno who m i calling or which number m i dialing.... when i drunk, all my mind is u... but it is like complicated and messy.... i dunno is u or yingsze.... i really dun understand myself.....

is time to get myself another can of beer.....

i was drunk yesterday..... 1 can of heineken.... 1 hour, then i fall unconcious... damn lousy.... i dun like tiger, too bitter, then is carlsberg... also bitter... heineken taste like shandy, bt lack of beer taste... anyway, i drunk also.... i think heineken make me drunk faster than carlsberg... dunno y.... may b bcoz it dun have the typical beer taste, i take bigger sip, then i drunk faster....

oh ya... 4got to update here.... i got OSIP... i pass GAMBIT application... i m going to Boston by June.

i dunno how to happy nor how to sad... i got no feeling... just that i kinda worry n stress.... let's c how when sch reopen ba...

i kena dump again n again... kind of sad.... i dunno what or where or which part i did not good enuf... i m sad.... i dun want to give up, but i dunno how to carry on... as she already lost interest on me... i dunno what i m insist on.... so tired....

drunk cant make me forget u.... but make me luv u more.....

Today is another long day for me..... 10am meeting until 2pm, then stay in sch for another meeting until 5pm, then go little india to do field trip survey, then go my colleague's house to reformat laptop until 11pm.... i m super tired now....... plus inhale a lot of 2nd hand smoke.... my brain is like going to burst in any minute.... my shirt is soak with very very strong cigratte smell... =( hate this smell so much...

i wanna go home... damn TPIS!!!!! y got so many meeting sia?.... last minute summore... ruin my schedule lo!!!! i wanna go home..... i miss my bed, i miss my pillow, i miss my mum, i miss everything in kluang....

i like ur perfume smell.... i still remember it.... so i m so shock when i smell the similar smell on bus.... i do regret for the decision i made... i admit 心软 dy.... but i dun think i will step into it... i m tired... i want to b loved by other ppl... i dun have any enegy to love a person that does not like me at all.... single side love is very torturing.... i thought i had recovered from it... yet, i still find so hard tlo breath.... hollow and sorrow occupied my body.... helpless.... i need a hand.....

我想我是工作压力太大了。。。整个晚上都没睡好。。闭上眼就看到sushi tei。。。看到自己忙碌的样子，看到顾客投诉的状况，看到自己挨骂。。。整个晚上都是sushi tei。。。现在好累好累。。好像根本就没睡，应该比没睡还要累吧。。。

我自己都不知道自己怎么了。。整个人很没精神，没胃口。。。我没有很伤心，没有哭，就是开心不起来。。我怎么了。。

想到要回家，我的压力也越来越重。。怎么了？。。一点也不开心。。。我到底要逃避到什么时候？？为什么我就是没有勇气去面对？。。对自己越来越失望。。

袁述惠！你要颓废到什么时候？你什么时候才要振作？

i had a bad dream last nite.... i was so lost and helpless.... i dunno what m i chasing of... kept running and running.... chasing a "train" may b?? i m not very sure... i was very tired, but i cant find my way back when i wanted to go home.... is like.... lost my direction..... i saw u in my dream... but i lost my sight on u.... felt so lonely and depress.... felt like losing my breath.... felt.... so painful.... i was covered with sweat when i woke up from dream... whole shirt is wet... although i slept in aircon room... i m not sure did i cry, coz my eyes were painful this morning.... cant open widely.... i fell too deep isit?......

我就连打电话的勇气都没有。。。失败。。
我想。。。是因为我害怕听到我不想听到的事实。。

i m so tired.... T-T

after 3 days saying the same thing, i find myself very irritating.
dunno is this my problem?? in which cause me so bored in camp...
even when v get best empire, i still find this camp is a waste of time...
y leh???? so irritating sia!!!!

i m so shock when i read the message.
dunno how to respond....
dunno what to say...
i think i am too shock...
yet.... i dun blame u...

i m single but not available...
because my heart refuse to come back to me...

Seriously... i think today is not my day...

early in the morning i got sore eyes... very very red and swollen. dunno y swollen, just that i can c my eye ball is 1.5x size bigger.... so painful.... T-T
then today's weather very very cold, early in the morning get flu.. i ge kiang lo, dun take medicine in the morning... then it getting worst and worst during afternoon games coz of the rain... at the nite i really cannot tahan anymore. the flu make me sooooooooooo tiring and hard to breath... but i think the medicine is immune to me ady.. i take 2 pills also no effect... i must sleep earlier tonite..

i dunno how many days i din chat with u ady.... i miss u... yet i dunno what happened to us.... u dun fb message me anymore... doesn't like in the past, v chat so frequent in fb chat....

i think i m very emotional now coz of the camp.... frustrated on too many things.... so i kinda angry and sad.... tmr is the last day.... but after camp got a lots of stuff to do also.... damn!!!!! i make my life so difficult. IDIOT!!!!

today is a very long day for me..... tiring.... n migraine.... make me so sick and tired...

early in the morning got meeting.. = =" which only inform me the nite before at 11pm. i hate last minute notice sia.... mess up my schedule and planning.... so sian.... then continue with another meeting with advisor.. lagi sian... = ="" bored + long winded...

today my meals are bread... breakfast, lunch and supper are sandwich. the dinner is = = disappointed... not nice but i did ate all coz of hunger... but now i m hungry, yet i dun feel like eating... i just want to sleep... ZzzzZzZzZZzzzz

today i didn't play any wet games coz of the stupid migraine... which make me nausea and dizzy.... the sight is like swirel.... once i walk or stand, it start to torture my brain.. but i sat down and close my eyes, it became better... dunno wth is going on.... usually this dun happen... so nite i just sleep in the LT when they start to play horror movie.. i simply just hate horror movie. so now i felt better, yet my dear had slept... now still waiting for bathroom to bath... i m tired and sticky.... dun like camping at all.... hopefully this would b the last camp for me... = ="

i wanna go home.... fri not working, but cant go home... T-T
i miss u badly.... but no choice.... I CANT GO HOME.....

终于看完了“宫”。。。。不错！好看！！只是结尾有点仓促。。。如果没有下集，这样结束何尝不是件好事呢？。。哈哈哈。。。

我是边看边流泪。。不是因为剧情感人，而是因为眼睛痛。。。囧。。 最近比较累，而且天天都在追“宫”，都没睡好。。所以越来越像金鱼。今天一次过看完六集，所以眼睛累到不行。。 = = 累了。。

我今天看回我们的信息。。。好多好多哦！！！好像black hole。。怎么scroll都到不了第一封信息。。。眼眶湿了。。心痛了。。怎么我们都那麽傻。。。。无可救药的傻。。我好笨。我分不出喜欢和爱的差别。。我只知道你已经是我生活中的一部分。是我分分秒秒都在思念的人。是那让我会奋不顾身的人。我不确定我对你来说是什么，但我很确定，我对你的感情是真的。

我不会拿你来做比较。因为三段感情，段段都不一样。第一段，他喜欢我，我不喜欢他。第二段，我喜欢她，她不喜欢我。难得第三段，我喜欢你，你喜欢我。身份不一样，情况不一样，观念不一样，感动不一样。怎么比？？所以你问我，“我有心动过吗？” 当然有！每一次跟你在一起的时候，分分秒秒都在心动。最后一次见你的时候，分分秒秒对我来说都是煎熬。近在咫尺，但我却只能把你推开。。。最后还是被你攻陷。。。我就是敌不过你的温柔，你的任性。。。

我不是个很会说话的人。。拙口笨舌。。不懂得讨你欢心。。。所以我说的都是心里话。。当我说“想你”，我真的心口如一的在想念你。。

我像在走钢丝。。。害怕随时会失去。。但我庆幸，成功踩下的每一步，都是额外的收获。我是什么人？我何德何能？？我没有财也没有才。。。我只是个平庸的普通人。。。你看上我哪点？。。

大家都说我诱拐未成年少女。。=(

两天没有你的消息了。。。你过得好吗？开心吗？我想你了。。
如果我不主动找你，你真的不会找我了吗？。。

well... i should b happy over my result, but i just dunno y, i dun happy at all....

i find my result is cheating on me. coz i noe i m not supposed to get such a grade, yet....
for ONGD, i really think the most i can get is a B+. coz of the assignment 1. but i think Jxx want to pull the result of ONGD, hence he gave me an A for it. i supposed to b happy that he gave me good result, but i dun felt happy at all..

then is cmsk. i knew i din do well for meeting. but i din expect it to drag my marks down so much... i was shock when i saw my grade. = =

thx to essential jap, the percentage din go down so much coz divide by 7 module. overall i still improving from 2.1... may b this time round i didn't really expect much from my result. almost all the module, i was only aiming for a pass. hence, i din disappointed when i saw the result. or may b i am too stress from of the result that i got for 2.2 coz it would b extremly hard for me to improve next sem.... also very hard to maintain.... =( what should i do then? i m like study blindly.... no direction nor desire for me to continue since i decided to work after poly even though i get scholarship....

kind of sad... but..... there is nothing that i can do about it.. my financial support had gone...

贝。。。我想你了。。。。

我不是很明白。。。为什么要放弃？。。。明明过的好好的，为什么要那么轻易就放弃？

你明明就值得别人的疼爱。明明就值得拥有。明明就有资格喜欢别人。为什么要放弃？

我的心空荡荡的。。。就算你用DHL， Fedex把它送回来，它还是偷偷开门跑出去了。

你要我锁好它，但它不要我了，它还是想黏在你身边，代替我陪着你。。

回来的时间好短暂。。。时间过得好快。。。

虽然见不到你，但是有你的声音陪着我，我也感到好幸福^^

虽然我的头可以煎鸡蛋了，但是我还是喜欢让手机紧贴着我的耳朵。。

这样，我可以更清楚地听到你的声音。。 =]

听着你的声音，我觉得很舒坦。。

想象着你的表情，我不自觉地扬起嘴角。。。 ^^

其实，今天我很想告诉你一件事。。

我开学后，会很少回来。。

因为家里的事情，我不可以回来花家里的钱，要更加努力做工了，以后要帮补家用。。

本来我读书的时候，我是不做工的，因为我的学业会忙不过来。。

但现在的状况，我没办法了。。躲也躲不了。。

周日努力读书，周末努力打工。休息，就等我撑不住的时候再说吧。

当然～我会尽量抽时间回来陪你。。

答应陪你读书，我就一定会做到 =]

我想见你。。想念你的笑容。。想念你。。但现在也只能等下个月了。。。

再等我一下下。。。

哇。。。好多天没有上来了。。。。最近真的是太累了！！！这种工真的不是人做的。。忙到我一天喝得水都不到500ML。。每晚我都要把双脚倒吊半小时脚才不会那么痛。。今天做host更惨，站一整天。。 = =" 好累的说。。。

我今天非常想念你。比平常更想念你。。。想念你的笑容，想念你的声音，想念你的香水味，想念你的拥抱，想念你，我的宝贝。好想现在就见到你。。。是不是因为我要回家了，所以特别想念你？。。。好想好想你。。。虽然明天回家，但见不见得到你都还是个问号。。。宝贝，你在哪里？。。。

今天开始上班了。真的有点累。。。是太久没有上班了吧。。。所以才会这么的累吧。。。

下班后好想马上听到你的声音。。真的好想你。。

一知道我的宝贝生病了，我好心急。。。

但我却什么都做不了。。。。我好失败。。

都是我害宝贝那么迟睡才让宝贝生病了。。。宝贝对不起。。。

宝贝。。。你怎么样了?...有好好吃药吗？？宝贝休息后有没有好一点？。。

我好想好想你。。。真的好想现在抱着你。。。作宝贝的依靠。。。。

我现在好羡慕patrick。。。

明天我会早点起来陪陪宝贝。。。

宝贝晚安。。。

i m so tired now......

today is really a very very long journey for me.... i departure from kluang around 10.30am, i reached home @ sg around 10.30pm also... WTH....

all these is because of my mum.... as she want me to accompany my aunt to sg and bring her to settle down at my cousin's place.. reached sg around 1pm, then go my cousin place and go bugis, go back to my cousin's place finally can go home... is not that i dun want to accompany her or not willing to, just that i m so bored and tired... i got no interest in anything other than food.... so... go shopping with her is very boring.... = ="

another reason is because my heart is hanging.... i supposed to complete the design before evening... yet i reached home so late n i din do it well... i am sad and frustrated because of my low efficiency. in which make my dear wait for so long and din satisfied her requirements... angry with myself.....

now is so tired.... i really need to rest....
nite...

^^ today is a very blissful day~~~~

I dun understand the situation now. but i know, u still have me in ur heart.
I wun give up this time round. i wun let happiness slip away from my hand again.
i want to grip it tight in my hand! i do love u. my dear~

May b i m still idiotic, but i think b an idiot also good..
at least i m simple and innocent in some way...

I dunno what's going on.... but i know one thing.
u still by my side. i m hugged by u.
this is real and what i felt.
my dear..... u r my destiny.....

我可以，
为你喜欢我所不喜欢的
千依百顺，毫无主见，无论是什么要求，我都可以答应你。
听你喜欢的曲风，甚至爱上它
从你的眼睛去看你的世界
为你放弃butch
改变所有你想我改变的
为你24小时standby，只要你说一声，我会马上出现。

你还没看到我的努力
还没看到我眼中的世界
还没感受到我心中的感受
就已经离开了

我现在会那么难受
都是因为我太在乎了吗
放太多感情了吗
超出预算的付出了吗
怎么会这样
无力
说到底
都还是我舍不得

宝贝
我现在该怎么做才好

我失恋了。
其实我早就料到有这一天。。只是没想到来的那么快。。。我不知道该说什么。无言。。。
但昨天听到你对我说那番话后，其实我已经有预感。。。只是没想到。。。真的来得太快了。。
冷却了。
这就是爆点的后遗症吧。。。。热得太快，冷得也快。。。
心情其实真的很不好。。但我又能够做什么？。。什么都做不了吧。。。
毕竟决定权并不在于我。

这段感情是来得最快，也走得最快的。少过一个星期吧。。三天？我也不知道。。。
但或许这是这三段恋情里，最幸福的一段吧。。。至少，这次我是被爱的角色。。
爱一个人好累。。。谢谢你喜欢过我。。

那我还需要改变吗？
目标没了，动力没了。
我还需要改变吗？。。。
并不想威胁你什么的，只是。。。
我自在惯了。。改变。。。。到底是为了什么。。。。我迷惘了。。。

其实
这次我觉得我像玩具。
洋娃娃吧。。
腻了，就被摆在一边了。。
我知道你看到了会生气，但这是我现在的感受。

我没有后悔过。
虽然痛，但又能怎样？
我从来就不勉强。。
如果不是你情我愿的相爱，在一起又有什么意义？。。
给我点时间吧。。。
现在要做回朋友，对我来说并不是简单的事。。。
对感情，我很认真，也很专一。。
要走出来，我还需要一些时间。

抱歉我今天很冷淡。。
我累了。。。
心很累，人也很累。。。

不是我不想挽留。。。而是你说了，你的性格就是这样。
说一就不会有二。
今天过后，你和我就走进历史了。
你说过不会和x复合。
现在，我也已经成为x了。。
或许。。。。
这对你对我都是最好的。

或许，
真的如曼妮所说，
“我只是太寂寞”

我真的累了。。。
连话都说不出了。。。
累得。。。
哭了。。。

wooooooooooooooo.......... today is a long day for me....
i watch 2 movie in a row...
firstly is I am number 4, then follow by Drive angry.
wow...... double shock....

i m number 4 is more like a horror movie to me...
although i read the book, but i still get shock...
so ya.... dunno la....
is kind of scary to me actually...

then is drive angry..
my dear told me v going to watch i m number 4, yet...
ended up, v watching drive angry~
LOL.....
this is still ok,
the more geng thing is....
i watching with her family members....
she say this is some sort of "family gathering"
= ="
which means i m a light bulb there..... omg.....
the movie is totally action and racing...
i dun like it very much...

more n more exciting...
since dear's parents were there....
no intimate moves.
but after that.....
blushed.....

dear want me to have complete make over..
which is damn hard for me....
but i tried to "pei he" as best as i can.
since dear want to b my bf,
what i can do is "pei he" only....

this is hard....
complete make over....
included my personality and my lifestyle....
even my love style....

who ask me to fallen for a 武则天？

一切正如我所料。。。降温了。。。。

原来只是我想太多。。。一切都只是我想太多了。。。
未来，只是我的幻想而已。。。
而现在所拥有的记忆。。。
原来都只是梦境。。

什么是“女朋友”的角色？
我的脑容量很有限。。。
但我想，
你需要的只是一个姐妹般的好朋友。
并不是我想象中的那种关系。

幸福是短暂的。

从一开始我就知道不是吗。。。
自己不是信誓旦旦的告诉舒宁，我这次已经做好心理准备了吗？
我不是早就知道会有这样的状况了，不是吗？
我不是已经学会怎样隐藏自己的感受了吗。。。

为什么我的心那么痛？。。。
为什么我有说不上来的难过。。。
为什么我觉得自己像一个傻瓜一样。。。

原来，幸福是短暂的。
我的幸福只维持了两天。。
无可否认，
这两天我真的真的很幸福。。。
谢谢你让我幸福过。。。

到头来，我还是伤害你了。。。

我觉得大事不妙了。。这两天我受的刺激太大了。。。为什么团契的人看到我，就会问我关于你的事咧？前天家健直接知道“我”＝宝贝, 昨天凯恩接到电话就知道是我帮你问考试，今天洁盈看到我就问我怎么没去找音如？怎么回事啊。。。。

I dun understand myself..... What am i really scared of??? I dunno.... even if i empty my brain, i still cant figured out.... I have super low self esteem... and dun have any self confident. my worst weakness....

may b happiness come too easily, which make me felt uneasy..... i thought i wun think so much, yet... when i calm down, and i realised..... I so scared of losing u.... I scared when u became part of my life, i cant get used to the life without ur company...... what should i do then?..... time is ticking..... i felt more and more uneasy and worry.....

幸せか。。。
あなたはいますから、私は今とても幸せです。。。

是幸福吗？。。。
因为有你，我现在真的很幸福。。。

我只怕我配不上你。。。

you are sooooooooo HOT!!!!!!
今天下午我真的差点脑充血~~~~~

今天算是第一次约会了吗？
一切都超乎我想象得快。。。。
其实我很害怕的。。。
因为升温得快，冷却的也快。。。
听到你说最长只有四个月时，我真的有点失落。。
因为我自己真的没有自信能让这温度持续那么久。。。
我对我自己，一点信心都没有。。。
我甚至在我身上找不到你所说的魅力。。。。
我自己都不喜欢我自己，怎么敢奢望有人会喜欢我呢？。。。

这是梦境吗？。。是不是只是个为期一星期的梦？。。。
我所感受到的，所看到的，所听到的，所接触到的。。。。是不是真实的？。。。。
如果这是一个梦。。。
我可不可以选择不要从这个梦中醒过来？？
就算我自私好了。。。
因为被你喜欢着的我，真的很幸福。。。

再过多几天就要回去了。。。
又不能一直出来，我真的好想好好珍惜跟你在一起的时光。。。
但我有的机会真的是少之又少。。。

下个学期对你我来说可能是地狱。。因为我真的不能时常回来。。。
对你满满的思念该怎么处理才好。。。

能够遇见你，是我这辈子最幸运的事。。
能够被你喜欢着，或许真的是我这辈子最值得庆幸的事。。
因为，你是那唯一让我幸福到脸红的人。。

今天我超内疚的。。在你最需要我的时候，我却无能为力。。。因为我的前科，导致家人对我的不信任。。。难为你了。。。宝贝，我真的很抱歉。。。

不是我不相信你的能力，而是我内疚着我不能帮到你。。我知道你需要我，但我在家里真的有太多双眼睛盯着我。。。做什么都要小心翼翼。。。

以后我回来的机会会越来越少。下个学期开始我就没有假期了，所以回来的机会也跟着减少了。。。就算回来，我也不能一直跟你在一起。。。现在我很挣扎。。到底要持续远距离恋爱，还是要干脆一点，暧昧暧昧就好？远距离。。我什么都给不了你。。。暧昧暧昧。。到最后你一定会恨我。。。我不想你伤心。。。

怎么办才好。。。

To my dear,

怎么办好呢？。。。。我真的无法招架你那势如破竹的示爱攻势。。。我最后的防线被你的热情攻陷了。。。突然觉得我自己好没用。竟然被一个小我五岁的人打败。。。

我是喜欢你的。你应该知道的。不然我不会对你言听计从。。就连“改变”这种事都答应你？！我从不作违背我心意的事。而改变，是我的大忌。从第一天见到你，我就被你吸引了。但你是我所无法触及的领域里的公主。。。许多许多的原因。。。一直尝试说服自己千万不能爱上你，但一次又一次的失败了。。。当你借我那本书的时候，我几乎天天书不离身。当阅读变成我生活中的一部分时，我真的以为你真的在我身边陪伴着我。。。虽然那只是我一厢情愿的想法，但当我读完最后一页时，我真的很失落。。。因为那代表着我已经不能天天带着“你”去上学了。。。那天就是我提出一个星期不联络的那天。。。但两天后，我撑不住。。。还是找你了。。。超失败的我。。。当我发现我陷得太深，一切都已经迟了。。。已经付出的感情，不是说收就收得回的。。。虽然我用很多很多的借口来欺骗我自己说“我只是把你当朋友”，“你只是团契的新人，我有义务照顾你”等等等。。。但最后还是败给了你。

为什么要靠着我？为什么要依偎在我的肩膀？为什么要抱我？这一切一切。。。。都发生得太快。。。让我乱了阵脚。。。让我冲昏了头。。。。让我不小心地爱上你。。。

你知道我和你之间并没有共同的话题吗？
你知道我超不喜欢听Rock n Roll却为了你喜欢上afterlife吗？
你知道我喜欢你的笑容吗？
你知道我对你超级的特别吗？
你知道我这两年是过着怎么样的日子吗？
你知道我花了多大的决心走回straight才走到今天吗？
你知道我之前的恋情吗？
你知道我承受的压力吗？
你知道我是不可能跟团契的人在一起的吗？
你知道我有多么的挣扎才说出“宝贝”这两个字吗？
你知道我发那封短信给你时我有多么的痛苦吗？

你知道我有那么多的“你知道”想告诉你吗。。。。

我会等待。
等你考完试，我们正式约会的那天。。。
我会把所有你想知道、你需要知道、你不想知道的事都告诉你。
因为我想。。。
这次，我真的爱上你了。。

突然觉得我像个笨蛋。发现陷下去的时候，已经太迟了。。。
一个星期够吗？
足够让我忘记吗？。。。
一切太快了吧。。。

Finally.... i had finished the book i borrowed from my friend. "I am number 4".

the book is quite nice. but the ending just turn me off.... dunno should i go watch this movie o not.... seem not convincing enough for me to watch.... anyway, this is the first time i finish a english novel in my life. excluded the compulsory to read novel in secondary school which is only less than 50 pages. reading is quite exciting actually~

but when i close the book, i find a bit lost.... coz i concentrate reading to it so much that i forgot it had became one of my routine..... or i should say, it had became some kind of company to me.... may b i took it as something else? may b as a company from her..... i think my mind is not clear now after chionging for 3hour of reading...

well... 思念是一种病....

i find it so hard for me to stay here when i know i can c her anytime in klg.... sound like a magnet which attracts me to go back.... but i m stuck here for at least 1 more week. i wish i could go back, but i cant.... although i noe it is impossible between us, i just couldnt understand...

today went through some sort of an "interview training" with samuel, the freshman. i m really worried about myself now.. at first i m quite confident to go, but now.... my hope just vanish.... I dunno y he is so imba la.... may b good english foundation really boost you in confidence??? if i am the interviewer, i will choose samuel definitely for the position. u can see the glowing of his spirit when he answer the question. but i dunno is he really that good as he said... anyway, it is not the right time to admire my opponent. but i m really sad about it.

something just make my mind stuck, i took 4 hours to rearrange my cmsk points to sound more organize.... is just suddently became so tough for me... m i relaxing too much or wat? just dun like that kind of feeling... make me so helpless and weak.... i really hate it...

today is valentine.. happy valentine!! i am extremly tired today... i dunno y.... everytime i went back klg, i definitely sick.... may b that is the reason that i felt so restless...

i enjoy klg life. but i hate the journey... klg is like paradise for me, coz i no need to do any chore at home and i can spend time with ppl i love. last sat, i met the girl, but she left very early... but i m very happy to c her... although is very stress to b her friend, but i enjoy her smile... she is always seem lonely in my eyes.... kinda sad to c her like that...

i always have confident in myself. but not recently. i dunno what happened... just that i dunno how to b confident again. may b i m just lasy to b confident?? more and more stuff make my life so bz.... yet my time is so limited... i hate this sem!!! seriously!!!

nah... i m tired..... today short n sweet.

today is a extremly long day for me. 9-11pm sia... i reached home @12.35am... this is really quite over... marathon AI + Jap test + Imagine Cup discussion. after dinner, i walk home... really damn tired now...

i m just an entertainment. may b age gap is really a matter.

today i am tired... bcoz i wake up at 6am just to send a sms... idiotic right?? = =" i am really quite idiotic... coz i am dilemma about things that i thought havent happen, but actually, it already happend. = = when i still considering whether should i tell her, she already knew i am butch. wth..... got so obvious meh?? i thought recently i became not so handsome ady... ish la....

i dunno what m i thinking now... i gave myself so many reasons that i should hold myslf back, yet what i did is not consistent with my mind... firstly, she is too young. 5 years gap. second, she is new member of my church youth fellowship, third, she is a playgirl, fourth, v just knew less than a week, fifth,she is too 'atas' liao, sixth, she is not a simple girl as i thought, and etc... most importantly, she is STRAIGHT! datou told me dun ever fallen for a straight again, coz the torture is many many many times greater than last time. n after this time, it is very hard to bcome bi or straight again...

she knew i am butch, most probably knew i m les also... yet she still use me to test her ex about their feeling on her... can u imagine, i noe her for 3 days, i met all 3 of her ex-boyfriends in 3 days also... n i can sense that, all her ex-bf still care about her very much... too obvious until i really cant tahan the atmosphere. her ex is hugging her waist yet she still hugging my arm... = =" seriously.... i dunno what she is thinking....

she said she dun want to get hurt again... neither do i... but les relationship never have good ending... at the end, break up is the only ending.... or may b i m just a tool?? or she is just too bored, so i m just an entertainment to her??? argh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i dunno wth m i doing... y cant i practice pure friendship??? WHAT A FAILURE I AM???!!!!!

DILEMMA AGAIN!!!!!!!!!! ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

y youngster these days so weird de?? i think this is the 3rd days i know this girl... but is like.... argh!!!!!!
dilemma ar!!!!!!

shall i tell her i m bi? so that she wun too intimate with me??? but seems to b too fast to say that right?? i just know her sia...... argh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i was like a tool to test whether her ex still love her o not. but my feeling is like... i am a 1000000000000000000 watt ligh bulb. = =" obviously her ex definitely still love her, coz they are the one kena dump wat.... i knoe that kind of feeling.... seriously, i am angry, indeed. but i just dunno y when she ask me out, i will still go out with her although i noe i will be the light bulb again. = =" weird indeed....

i m quite stress to go out with her. as she is too "atas" for me ady.... is really like a princess in real life... argh!!!!!!!!!!!!! what a failure i m??!!!

yesterday, 4/2/2011 my niece is born!!!! she is very pretty n cute!!!
she is 3.3kg and born at 2.45am.

i just get to know a new friend.. damn atas de. i shock when i saw her yesterday.. is like... speechless.. atas until i got no words to describe... tat's all.. i m attracted. but not very much after 1 day of "security like" day... sad to say that... it is impossible to b with someone that does not have common topic. i think i m very fake and perfunctory, coz i dunno what to reply.... so angry with myself now... damn tiring....

finally.... i am home!!!! so many ppl went home today... ppl flood... n kluang is flood too!!! a lot of ppl post kluang's flood photos to fb.. now only i noe kluang so many water sia..... my parents come jb to fetch me =) i m so happy!!!! last year CNY they also come n fetch me.. touching sia.....

CNY is the time i can c u!!! i am happy =) but i think this year u will still run away like usual la... nvm, i m ok with it. i have many things to share with u.... if possible, please meet me k?

i have the feeling that i will sick again... T-T do swen until my eyes blind le lo... hate to do screenshot of other website la!!!! damn conrad!!!! i feel so tired now...... tmr dunno can wake up o not, n i havnt start study AI.... die le la.....

kinda is quite tiring sia.... i was like "camp" at sch everyday n leave sch after 9pm everyday.... wth... my body is really cant tahan ady lo... recently walking back from sch again... so, i have the time to blog using my n900 while i walking... actually i m quite lazy to do this, but since u r so angry abt this, then i will explain myself. seriously, i dun like to make declaration thru blog sia...

actually i m quite lazy to blog recently, so i update my blog once a month. so i just summarize all happenings from dec to current. i lie?? i heard the rumour from ML. which is accidently said out by ml while v on the way go lunch. who noes our class have how many rumour sia??? n i dun read ur blog so often lo... may b once or twice a month.. so u said 'anyone who want to know the rumour just ask u personally' wat, i did it, yet u r angry abt it. wth??? hmmm... i think that's all gua.... i 4got wat else is in ur blog ady, n i want to sleep... no interest to switch window using my n900 now...

may b i m just too paranoid?? i dunno who u talking, but since u use 'she' & 'her', i will assume is me. attitude??? i always like this wat.. anything la... none of my business. since i cant change other's mind n i cant stop any words coming out from other's mouth, i dun bother it.

oh ya! last thing, i dun eat human being. black aura?? = =" watever la...

没那麼简单

没那麼简单 就能找到 聊得来的伴  

尤其是在 看过了那麼多的背叛  

总是不安 只好强悍  

谁谋杀了我的浪漫  

没那麼简单 就能去爱 别的全不看  

变得实际 也许好也许坏各一半  

不爱孤单 一久也习惯  

不用担心谁 也不用被谁管 

感觉快乐就忙东忙西  

感觉累了就放空自己  

别人说的话 随便听一听 自己作决定  

不想拥有太多情绪  

一杯红酒配电影  

在周末晚上 关上了手机 舒服窝在沙发里  

相爱没有那麼容易 

每个人有他的脾气  

过了爱作梦的年纪 

轰轰烈烈不如平静  

幸福没有那麼容易 

才会特别让人著迷  

什麼都不懂的年纪  

曾经最掏心 

所以最开心 

曾经  

想念最伤心 

但却最动心的记忆

Recently some rumour spread in our class. Actually i dun really care what they say.. just that this time i m involved, so they "accidently" told me about it. so now, i think i should declare my point of view. If the person din tell me personally, i would ignore the rumour, pretending i dunno anything. this would be better if there is really a misunderstanding. v r still friends. nothing is going to change. i enjoy current situation as in pure frienship with no relationship involved.

i think "God bless your mouth" is really quite accurate. i always say i m stupid, so now, i became really stupid. who can i blame? myself! but i think this really remind me that i should not take thing for granted. no effort, no output. this time round, i have to do self reflaction seriously.

人一能之，己百之。人十能之，己千之。
果能此道矣，虽愚必明，虽柔必强。

this month my family come singapore quite frequently... which make my pocket suffer from cancer. but i m really quite happy. because i finally have the ability to let them enjoy my fruit of labour. when u grow older, u will feel awkward to ask money from parents... especially when u r older than 21..

I lost the chance to go GAMBIT because of TPIS. b a main comm is not easy... a lot of things have to sacrify. but i din expect that the first thing that i sacrifies is my OSIP... T-T although at the first place i dun really feel like going, but when i put in so many efforts for it, yet i know i dun have any chance for it, i still will feel pity... now i know, in future i will b super bz with TPIS and i wun b happy until the day i left this position... i dunno is this the correct decision i made..one thing that can b confirmed is, i would invide a lot of my classmate to join TPIS activity.. coz i m the publicity of TPIS.. so DO SUPPORT me in the future.. do i really like this position??? seriously... i really dunno...

soon, this sem is going to end, yet i dunno what have i learn until today... is such a failure isn't it?? 3 more weeks to go... i m going to suffer... T-T

today i was so sick... feel neusea and giddy... so i din go lecture again....
but when i reached home, i am super happy =) because i saw this on my table!!!!

a parcel from switzerland yo!!!! is about 1KG.. the content inside is so WOW!!!

lot n lot of chocolate!!! n Linda's signature!!! just for me yo!!!!
c'est super!!!!!

i m really very very very happy =D

i think this is my christmas present =) can say as new year present too!
hahaha... but i think this parcel is damn expensive la!!! last time i check from singpost, 1KG is around 40-60 SGD... n need to take 3 month to reach... but this parcel only took 2 weeks... i think she send via express... so WOOW!!!!! i m sooooooooooo happy!!!!

stress make a person fragile.

today is my interview. i screwed it up... i admit that i do not have much knowledge on game industry. because i m not intrested in game industry actually... the reason i still here is i want to learn how to make a game. so that i can make my own game next time... but i m quite sad that... TP does not provide much resources for me... or i should put it in this way, TP does not teach me how to make a decent game from start to end. they provide pieces n pieces of puzzle that is incomplete for a game developement...

Today CM asked a lot of question, n i cant answer any of them... it is true that i m not well prepared... but i m not "did not prepared at all"! y must i apply as producer??? a position that i don't like at all... in the past i m a very good leader, but i dun want to b a leader at the area that i know nothing about it at all... i scared of changes, expecially is in an unfamiliar field... many people told me i m eligible for this position, i have the advantage for this position, i have the ability to handle this position... but i dun like this position... i dun like to deal with people... this is tiring....

may b i m right... i dun put in a lot of effort in the stuff that i don't have passion about it... until now... i still dun feel like going there.... what a failure i am....

i dun think i am wrong as i work hard at sch and relax at home... this is the balance i applied wat... sch work also cant finish ady, how do i develop games on my own sia.... i hate this.... may b i got language problem.. may b i got brain problem... may b i myself is a problem...

THIS IS THE END OF THE WORLD!!!!!!