Monsanto Cucumbers Cause Genital Baldness
A
six-month study by AgriSearch, an on-campus research arm of Dalhousie
University, has shown that genetically modified (GM) cucumbers grown under
license to Monsanto Inc. result in serious side effects including total groin
hair loss and chafing in "sensitive areas", leading to the immediate
and total ban of sales of all that company's crop and subsequent dill pickles.
The tracking study of 643 men and
women in Nova Scotia came about after reports began to surface about bald field
mice and the bald feral cats that ate them being discovered by farmers on
acreages growing the new crop.
"The bald wild animals raised a
huge flag and we immediately obtained subpoenas for the medical records of all
600 plus adults who took part in focus groups and taste tests of the cucumbers
by Monsanto in Canada," said Dr. Nancy Walker, Director of Public Health
Research at Dalhousie. "Fully 3/4 of the people who ate these cukes had
their crotch area hair fall out. This is not a joking matter at all...these
people now have hairless heinies."
Nova Scotia became the first
province or state in North America to ban a Monsanto GM food product, although
GM corn and other food crops are currently outlawed in Ireland, Japan, New
Zealand, Germany, Austria, Switzerland, Greece and Hungary. Governments in
Australia, Spain, UK, France, Turkey, India and Mexico have public petitions or
legislative bills under consideration. Californians recently voted down a bill
that would have required all GM foods to be clearly labeled. Monsanto cucumbers
have been ordered removed from all food stores in Nova Scotia, while Quebec
stores have begun a voluntary removal, partially because the UPC code stickers
contain some English.
"I pulled down my boxer shorts
to get ready for bed one night and there it was...a pile of hair that looked
like a chihuahua puppy," said Eric LaMaze, who was paid $50 by Monsanto to
compare the tastes of natural cucumbers to Monsanto GM cucumbers in March of
this year in Halifax. "Then I saw my bits and whoa they were like all
shiny skin. Bald."
Mr. LaMaze and other taste test
participants said the GM cucumbers tasted the same as the naturally grown
cucumbers but made a slight "fizzing noise" when swallowed. The
participants also complained of raw skin in their genital area and some bed
wetting.
Monsanto Inc., a self-described
Sustainable Agriculture Company based in Creve Coeur, Missouri, where they
share offices with major shareholder Bain Capital, issued a statement saying,
"Next generation fruits and vegetables, including VO5 cucumbers, are safe
for human consumption with some potential minor side effects. Some fine-tuning
is underway."
McDonald's Corp. issued a statement
following the Nova Scotia ban announcing that they will replace dill and sweet
cucumber pickles on their burgers with non-GM pickled zucchini as a precaution
until it is proven that no Monsanto pickles were sold into the North American
market. McDonald's website contains a bulletin to that effect and includes a
revised hip-hop Big Mac jingle that now sings, "Two all-beef patties,
special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickled zuke, onions on a sesame seed
bun."
Federal Minister of Health Leona
Aglukkaq said a Canada-wide recall and ban will be issued within 24 hours.
"The Government of Canada takes this very, very seriously," said the
Minister. "Being hairless down there should be a matter of personal choice
for Canadian men and women and not one taken away by a cucumber."
"They used to have the real
cucumber slices in those salad things at the City Hall Dining Club,"
sighed Former Toronto Mayor Rob Ford on the courthouse steps after being
impeached by a Provincial Judge. "Those were good times..."
Robin Steel
Reporting for The Lapine
