far far away

I got pretty self-absorbed over the last few weeks before I left for the field.  And here I am posting after 6 weeks...  and from the field.  Well, we had to come to town for a couple of meetings with government officials (all good stuff), but it has left me alone and (amazingly) with internet for a couple of hours.  It will take me years to catch up on reading blog posts...  ok, well not really years but definitely more than a couple of hours...  but in the meantime I wanted to update you all on what is doing here.

First off, I had myself some serious crying after putting M to bed the night before I left.  The airport shuttle picked me up at 5:45am and dh and I were really hoping that M wouldn't wake up before I left.  We knew she'd be really sad b/c she's pretty mama-clingy in the morning.  She didn't wake up.  And despite the fact that it was the hardest thing I've ever done, I got on that airplane.

I did it.  I left for my field work.  I've been gone for 3 weeks so far, 2 more to go.  And in all honesty, it hasn't been anywhere near as bad as I anticipated.  In fact, I haven't cried at all (so far).  It's like I stepped back in time to myself 3 years ago, and not just to my infertile-sad-self but to the self I was proud of and liked.  And I have been sleeping really well.

I do miss M a lot though.  I cling to the daily 10 minute phone calls, getting the updates on teething, what she ate for dinner, the diaper rash incident, how her diaper supply is holding up, etc.  I love the small details.  I don't know what it is about motherhood, but I have been obsessed with the minutia of M's life since before she was born.  It feels silly but I can't help it.  Luckily, dh has been really understanding and does his best to throw in lots of micro-details every time we talk.  He'll even tell me what PJs she has on without my asking.

And he blogs for her.  M has a blog that I started in May of 2011 soon after she was born.  It's written from her perspective, and dare I be so immodest as to say that it is pretty cute?  It's pretty cute.  But there was lots of concern over what would happen to her blog while I was away.  Dh sucked it up and took it on.  He posts once a week and gives a long summary with lots of pictures.  It is a total life saver for me.  I can get access to extremely slow internet about once every 5-7 days, so I've been able to see them within a day or two of when he posts.

Dh and I had a few heart-to-heart talks before I left.  I think it really sunk in for him what I needed and that as the stay-at-home parent it was his responsibility to take care of both M and me.  And he's done a great job of it.  I am actually really impressed with how great he has been about stepping up to the plate.  Not just any guy would do this.  I love him dearly.

The time away is starting to get harder though.  The downtime driving back to the city and hanging out between meetings is hard.  My mind wanders to going home.  I need to fight the homesickness, it can't kick in just yet.  I still have 2 weeks to go.  But so far, it'd been ok.  I'm doing it.