baby addict

I worry that my baby might be addicted to orajel.  She wakes up at night now and wants it.  I went to sit down with her last night when she woke up and she freaked out until I started walkimg toward the bathroom.  It was like that hot-warm-cold game.  She would start to cry with different intensities if I was heading in the wrong direction or not doing the right thing.  Very interesting.

And she did the same thing with goldfishy crackers and fig newtons this afternoon.

do you ever read?

For those of you who are academics, when in the world do you find time to read articles, keep up with the literature, etc.?  I could really use some advice here.  In all honesty, I haven't read a journal article that I wasn't intentionally needing to cite in years.  Years, I tell you.

Me no feel like a scholar.

the pleasure of the day

Today was a mama day. I played mama all day and enjoyed it immensely. It's been a while. The three of us took the kitty to the vet early in the morning, then figured out how to install the big-girl car seat in our car. Wethen went for a little drive so M could enjoy the view facing forward. This seemed to be of absolutely no consequence to her, which surprises me, but minimally it is more fun to have her facing forward because then at least she is more involved in the conversation and we can see her. After a lunch out we dropped dh at school where he's planning to stay until late. So it was just me and M all afternoon. It iphas been a really long time since it was just the twos of us. And it went really well. There is a rhythym to being with a baby/toddler by yourself that is immpossible to have when there is more than one adult around. I find the rhythym that M and I get into is very relaxing for me, comfortable, happy. We are totally happy with her daddy around but it isn't the same. You know what I mean? M's daycare is closed all next week so we have all week together. I am looking forward to it. And then, I am looking forward to travelling to a conferency-thing for the weekend.

the end of the infant room

M had her last day of daycare for the year, the last day in the infant room. When she returns she and her classmates will be in a toddler room. Wow. Just a year ago I was feeling a little traumatized that my baby was old enough to be left at daycare. Now she throws beautiful toddler tantrums. I particularly love the stiff stick leg scissor kicks. Dh and I like to rank these fits on a 10 point scale. This morning was definitely an 11. I can't believe my tiny baby is a true toddler now.

dressing

I started out my first professor job in new shoes, dress pants, and some nice silk shirts that my sister bought me as a PhD graduation gift.  I had a strong desire to dress like a professor even if I didn't look old enough to be one.  At that point only about 5 years had passed since I was a clerk in a law firm, so most of those professional-attire things still worked too.

But now?  I am actually old enough to have worn out most all of those dress clothes.  I have been in a bit of denial and didn't want to either fork over the money or endure the psychological "scars" of moving on to new professional clothes.  So I stopped dressing nicely, adopting the more "casual professor" look.  I had even convinced myself that wearing jeans or cords meant that I had somehow reached some level of professional maturity that I didn't need the clothes to make the professor anymore.


Whatever.  


I wore a nice professional dress and little heels to a couple of meetings with administrators and a journalist yesterday and the reaction to me felt quite different than usual.  How much of that was me and how much was them, who knows.  Whichever the case...


I just got a total bee in my bonnet and ordered a bunch of grown-up clothes online.  While I'd been feeling the desire to update my wardrobe since before M was born, I hadn't yet felt comfortable enough with my post-baby body shape, or milk-excretion (which is now completely over, M & I aren't nursing at all anymore), or spending the money, or seeing styles that I actually wanted to wear.  But now after a field season of lots of physical activity, a return to my old bra size, and a month of summer salary I was ready.


That is when a perfectly timed 10% off from Boden with free shipping & returns email showed up in my in-box and check out some of my selections...  

Maybe the dresses and heels are a bit too feminine for my 20% female faculty department.  But you know what?  Who gives a shit?  Not me anymore.

sort-of-sleep thoughts

You know that semi-awake state you go into several times a night, usually when you roll over or something like that?  You are aware but not really awake.  And your brain can play weird games on you?  Like when you are traveling and forget where you are?

Ever since I started working pretty closely on a project with a male co-director I have the same semi-awake thing happen for weeks after I get home every year.  I panic a little that I am sharing a bed with him but am sleeping too close, or wearing PJs that are a little too revealing, or something along those lines.  It takes me a few seconds to wake up enough to realize that its ok, that the man beside me is my husband and I am allowed to sleep close or have my nightgown up around my waist.

Weird.

and mama makes three

I'm back!!!  Mads and her daddy came to pick me up at the airport.  She immediately went into my arms but was looking at me with a confused look of "you seem so familiar but..." and then I kissed her neck, made funny kissy noises and dipped her like I like to do and she immediately broke into laughter and "mama!"

That first day was kind of weird, to be a visitor in the role that I used to dominate, but wonderful to see dh doing it so well.  I've had to learn the new details of the routine and get to know the new M-quirks.

And it was odd to see her in 3-d.  I had gotten so used to her being 2 dimensional from the photos and videos.  And she smells different, a little more like a typical toddlery kid which is something I had never noticed before.  I think it might be the diaper cream or the diapers.

M also got her deciduous molars while I was away.  The funny thing about this is that now she gets bad breath at night.  Cute, in a kind of yucky way.  Bad baby breath.  :)

All in all I think this field work thing was ok.  Everyone seems to be doing really well, including me, so maybe, just maybe we'll be able to make this 2-parents-who-do-fieldwork-thing work.

far far away

I got pretty self-absorbed over the last few weeks before I left for the field.  And here I am posting after 6 weeks...  and from the field.  Well, we had to come to town for a couple of meetings with government officials (all good stuff), but it has left me alone and (amazingly) with internet for a couple of hours.  It will take me years to catch up on reading blog posts...  ok, well not really years but definitely more than a couple of hours...  but in the meantime I wanted to update you all on what is doing here.

First off, I had myself some serious crying after putting M to bed the night before I left.  The airport shuttle picked me up at 5:45am and dh and I were really hoping that M wouldn't wake up before I left.  We knew she'd be really sad b/c she's pretty mama-clingy in the morning.  She didn't wake up.  And despite the fact that it was the hardest thing I've ever done, I got on that airplane.

I did it.  I left for my field work.  I've been gone for 3 weeks so far, 2 more to go.  And in all honesty, it hasn't been anywhere near as bad as I anticipated.  In fact, I haven't cried at all (so far).  It's like I stepped back in time to myself 3 years ago, and not just to my infertile-sad-self but to the self I was proud of and liked.  And I have been sleeping really well.

I do miss M a lot though.  I cling to the daily 10 minute phone calls, getting the updates on teething, what she ate for dinner, the diaper rash incident, how her diaper supply is holding up, etc.  I love the small details.  I don't know what it is about motherhood, but I have been obsessed with the minutia of M's life since before she was born.  It feels silly but I can't help it.  Luckily, dh has been really understanding and does his best to throw in lots of micro-details every time we talk.  He'll even tell me what PJs she has on without my asking.

And he blogs for her.  M has a blog that I started in May of 2011 soon after she was born.  It's written from her perspective, and dare I be so immodest as to say that it is pretty cute?  It's pretty cute.  But there was lots of concern over what would happen to her blog while I was away.  Dh sucked it up and took it on.  He posts once a week and gives a long summary with lots of pictures.  It is a total life saver for me.  I can get access to extremely slow internet about once every 5-7 days, so I've been able to see them within a day or two of when he posts.

Dh and I had a few heart-to-heart talks before I left.  I think it really sunk in for him what I needed and that as the stay-at-home parent it was his responsibility to take care of both M and me.  And he's done a great job of it.  I am actually really impressed with how great he has been about stepping up to the plate.  Not just any guy would do this.  I love him dearly.

The time away is starting to get harder though.  The downtime driving back to the city and hanging out between meetings is hard.  My mind wanders to going home.  I need to fight the homesickness, it can't kick in just yet.  I still have 2 weeks to go.  But so far, it'd been ok.  I'm doing it.