The crazy turns of life

For the last year and a half, and really strongly for the last 6 months, I have been overwhelmed with how perfect my life has become.  I love the balance between family and career; I love where I am on all fronts.

I have had a slight fear in the back of my mind knowing that nothing in life is permanent, and that this wouldn't last.  But I put that fear aside because I didn't want the fear of change to ruin what was so perfect.

But change does come.  And, I am learning, it often comes from a completely unpredictable direction.

I had thought it would be health that would be our problem, particularly that of my 61 year old husband who is always under a lot of stress and doesn't take as good of care of himself as he could/should.  But that wasn't it.

Over the last 2 years I have had sex once.  Once.  This miraculous date was Jan 21, 2012, and it was very nice.  No stress of trying to get pregnant, like all those years in the past that had basically ruined our sex life.

Then I noticed towards the end of January that my milk supply was weirdly reduced. 

My period didn't come.

Yes, I am pregnant.

Yes, I have been a bit freaked out.

1) I never ever thought I would ever get pregnant again, especially without having to TRY.

2) I feel so weird being the woman that I had grown to hate, you know, the 41 year old woman who gets pregnant without trying.

3) I had never actually envisioned having two children, and so I have no mental framework for seeing how this would work and how it would be my life.

4) I have been pretty freaked out.  Do you know that I can count on one hand the number of nights that I have slept for more than 5 hours in a row over the last 1.5 years, yes, ON ONE HAND?  I am already really tired and have been looking forward to maybe sleeping one night in the next year or so as M gets older.

5) I have been pretty freaked out.  My house is very small.

6) I have been pretty freaked out. How would I work daycare logistics?  How would I afford daycare for two? 

7) And then there is the strangeness of having gotten pregnant like normal people do.  This is not my identity.  I still wear an infertility awareness bracelet.  This all feels surreal.

8) I just got off of my 2 semesters of pregnancy leave, and after one semester back, might be going on another 2 semesters of leave.  Am I even allowed to take that much so close together?

9) It is petty, but it was just at the start of December that I got back into my old clothes, and bought a pair of skinny jeans in a size I haven't worn since I was in my early 20s.  The bald spot on my temple was starting to fill in -- I had lost a lot of hair after delivery, very weird.  I was even thinking of saving up for a botox treatment after I finished nursing.  I was starting to feel good in my body again.  It feels too soon to go through it again, like the memories of the hard parts are still too fresh.

10) the miscarriage rate at my age is about 35%, and the chances of a genetic abnormality feel even higher than normal for my age because, well, we weren't trying to get pregnant so we hadn't done any of those things couples do to make sure sperm is as fresh and healthy as possible.

11) I feel incredibly guilty for not immediately being excited and happy. 

12) I worry terribly about what this will do to my ability to mother M.  I love our relationship.  She is such an amazing kid.  If I end up having to pay attention to a newborn when she's 1.5 years old...  she feels too young to be losing her mother like that.

13) I feel terrible that she cries and cries at night because she wants more milk but there is no more -- I hardly make enough for her now and might have to start supplementing with formula.  This makes me feel sick to my stomach as it is so incredibly different from how I envisioned the end of our nursing relationship.

14) And then I remember that life is not scripted.  Turns come at you without anticipation, and sometimes the most wonderful things come when you roll with the punches.  Maybe this is a good way for M and I to dwindle down our nursing.  Maybe a sibling so close in age will give her a family that lasts much longer than her aging parents will.  Maybe all the details and logistics of having two will work out as easily as they did for when we were preparing for one and had no idea how it would work. 

I watched the movie "The Help" tonight.  It is wonderful.  Have you seen it?  While the whole thing made me cry and laugh and be very sad and angry, one part really resonated with me in my current situation.  It's when the maid Constantine tells Skeeter that it is her choice every day to decide how she is going to feel about what people say about her.  This is very sage, and extends beyond what other people think.  It also applies to how we think about our own lives.  It is my decision every day as to whether or not I embrace my life and the curveballs, laughing at every opportunity, or if I freak out and worry incessantly about the details.

So, I am embracing.  I am a bit freaked.  But I am embracing.  We'll see what happens at my ob appointment a week from Monday.  Maybe there will be a heartbeat, maybe not.  Either way I think it will be ok.  Either way life has thrown me a lot of wonderful, and hopefully that will endure through the inevitable changes.  Change was going to come, I know that.  At the very minimum, M is going to grow up and our relationship will change. It was guaranteed to change, no matter what.  I just had never anticipated that THIS would be the impetus.