It dawned on me as I walked into the ob's office that today is the day I got married the first time around. Twenty years ago exactly. That marriage didn't work out, in a bad way. I left four years later, a move that I am not proud of but that I know lead to my having a much happier life.
Isn't it crazy how life changes? The amazing twists and turns, so many of them unpredicted. And then here I am, 20 years later. A mature woman, middle-aged technically speaking. Those years having flown by.
I wish that I had had the wisdom then that I do now. I wonder what all I would have done differently. But I guess that is the beauty of age, you learn so much with each passing year. I didn't really realize it until I stop and remember on who I was. And who I am.
Things did not go well in the doctor's office. The baby isn't a take-home baby.
I've been here before, miscarried around 6 weeks with my first. I was absolutely devastated.
This time I feel so conflicted. In all honesty a part of me is relieved. But that makes me feel horrible. And I mean Horrible. Horrible. Horrible. I can't get over how the particular circumstances of every event set the stage for how we feel about it.
I'm sorry little guy. I'm sorry that I wasn't rooting for you like I did your sister. I know that my thoughts can't change a pregnancy outcome, rationally. But I still feel like I really let you down.
This is a date that will always bring a bad feeling, twice over now.
Monday, February 27, 2012
Thursday, February 23, 2012
the funny thing about work
Female Science Prof had a recent post about career/productivity trajectories before and after tenure. My tenure experience was so demoralizing that I definitely had a dip in productivity and motivation, although you could easily not recognize it from my CV unless you were looking for it and knew me well.
And then I decided to have a baby and totally enjoy her post-tenure. Which I have.
But the funny thing about it is that post-baby I am finding that I am working a lot less but doing some bigger things. It is like I found some chutzpah in having a child, or that I don't want to spend my timeaway from her doing rinky dink things. Or maybe I care less about the risk of failure/rejection?
Well, we'll see how I feel about the importance of my work once I finally get this manuscript submitted to kind-of-big journal, which will hopefully be within a couple of weeks and get the nasty reviews back (they flat out rejected a previous paper of mine as not being a topic of broad enough interest, and then promptly turned around 2 months later and published a paper written by big-name-asshole based on the a subset of the exact same population talking about a much smaller point...) Anyway, I finished re-writing the discussion section today so now we are dangerously close to a draft that is good enough to giveto other people for comment!!!
And then I decided to have a baby and totally enjoy her post-tenure. Which I have.
But the funny thing about it is that post-baby I am finding that I am working a lot less but doing some bigger things. It is like I found some chutzpah in having a child, or that I don't want to spend my timeaway from her doing rinky dink things. Or maybe I care less about the risk of failure/rejection?
Well, we'll see how I feel about the importance of my work once I finally get this manuscript submitted to kind-of-big journal, which will hopefully be within a couple of weeks and get the nasty reviews back (they flat out rejected a previous paper of mine as not being a topic of broad enough interest, and then promptly turned around 2 months later and published a paper written by big-name-asshole based on the a subset of the exact same population talking about a much smaller point...) Anyway, I finished re-writing the discussion section today so now we are dangerously close to a draft that is good enough to giveto other people for comment!!!
Friday, February 17, 2012
The crazy turns of life
For the last year and a half, and really strongly for the last 6 months, I have been overwhelmed with how perfect my life has become. I love the balance between family and career; I love where I am on all fronts.
I have had a slight fear in the back of my mind knowing that nothing in life is permanent, and that this wouldn't last. But I put that fear aside because I didn't want the fear of change to ruin what was so perfect.
But change does come. And, I am learning, it often comes from a completely unpredictable direction.
I had thought it would be health that would be our problem, particularly that of my 61 year old husband who is always under a lot of stress and doesn't take as good of care of himself as he could/should. But that wasn't it.
Over the last 2 years I have had sex once. Once. This miraculous date was Jan 21, 2012, and it was very nice. No stress of trying to get pregnant, like all those years in the past that had basically ruined our sex life.
Then I noticed towards the end of January that my milk supply was weirdly reduced.
My period didn't come.
Yes, I am pregnant.
Yes, I have been a bit freaked out.
1) I never ever thought I would ever get pregnant again, especially without having to TRY.
2) I feel so weird being the woman that I had grown to hate, you know, the 41 year old woman who gets pregnant without trying.
3) I had never actually envisioned having two children, and so I have no mental framework for seeing how this would work and how it would be my life.
4) I have been pretty freaked out. Do you know that I can count on one hand the number of nights that I have slept for more than 5 hours in a row over the last 1.5 years, yes, ON ONE HAND? I am already really tired and have been looking forward to maybe sleeping one night in the next year or so as M gets older.
5) I have been pretty freaked out. My house is very small.
6) I have been pretty freaked out. How would I work daycare logistics? How would I afford daycare for two?
7) And then there is the strangeness of having gotten pregnant like normal people do. This is not my identity. I still wear an infertility awareness bracelet. This all feels surreal.
8) I just got off of my 2 semesters of pregnancy leave, and after one semester back, might be going on another 2 semesters of leave. Am I even allowed to take that much so close together?
9) It is petty, but it was just at the start of December that I got back into my old clothes, and bought a pair of skinny jeans in a size I haven't worn since I was in my early 20s. The bald spot on my temple was starting to fill in -- I had lost a lot of hair after delivery, very weird. I was even thinking of saving up for a botox treatment after I finished nursing. I was starting to feel good in my body again. It feels too soon to go through it again, like the memories of the hard parts are still too fresh.
10) the miscarriage rate at my age is about 35%, and the chances of a genetic abnormality feel even higher than normal for my age because, well, we weren't trying to get pregnant so we hadn't done any of those things couples do to make sure sperm is as fresh and healthy as possible.
11) I feel incredibly guilty for not immediately being excited and happy.
12) I worry terribly about what this will do to my ability to mother M. I love our relationship. She is such an amazing kid. If I end up having to pay attention to a newborn when she's 1.5 years old... she feels too young to be losing her mother like that.
13) I feel terrible that she cries and cries at night because she wants more milk but there is no more -- I hardly make enough for her now and might have to start supplementing with formula. This makes me feel sick to my stomach as it is so incredibly different from how I envisioned the end of our nursing relationship.
14) And then I remember that life is not scripted. Turns come at you without anticipation, and sometimes the most wonderful things come when you roll with the punches. Maybe this is a good way for M and I to dwindle down our nursing. Maybe a sibling so close in age will give her a family that lasts much longer than her aging parents will. Maybe all the details and logistics of having two will work out as easily as they did for when we were preparing for one and had no idea how it would work.
I watched the movie "The Help" tonight. It is wonderful. Have you seen it? While the whole thing made me cry and laugh and be very sad and angry, one part really resonated with me in my current situation. It's when the maid Constantine tells Skeeter that it is her choice every day to decide how she is going to feel about what people say about her. This is very sage, and extends beyond what other people think. It also applies to how we think about our own lives. It is my decision every day as to whether or not I embrace my life and the curveballs, laughing at every opportunity, or if I freak out and worry incessantly about the details.
So, I am embracing. I am a bit freaked. But I am embracing. We'll see what happens at my ob appointment a week from Monday. Maybe there will be a heartbeat, maybe not. Either way I think it will be ok. Either way life has thrown me a lot of wonderful, and hopefully that will endure through the inevitable changes. Change was going to come, I know that. At the very minimum, M is going to grow up and our relationship will change. It was guaranteed to change, no matter what. I just had never anticipated that THIS would be the impetus.
I have had a slight fear in the back of my mind knowing that nothing in life is permanent, and that this wouldn't last. But I put that fear aside because I didn't want the fear of change to ruin what was so perfect.
But change does come. And, I am learning, it often comes from a completely unpredictable direction.
I had thought it would be health that would be our problem, particularly that of my 61 year old husband who is always under a lot of stress and doesn't take as good of care of himself as he could/should. But that wasn't it.
Over the last 2 years I have had sex once. Once. This miraculous date was Jan 21, 2012, and it was very nice. No stress of trying to get pregnant, like all those years in the past that had basically ruined our sex life.
Then I noticed towards the end of January that my milk supply was weirdly reduced.
My period didn't come.
Yes, I am pregnant.
Yes, I have been a bit freaked out.
1) I never ever thought I would ever get pregnant again, especially without having to TRY.
2) I feel so weird being the woman that I had grown to hate, you know, the 41 year old woman who gets pregnant without trying.
3) I had never actually envisioned having two children, and so I have no mental framework for seeing how this would work and how it would be my life.
4) I have been pretty freaked out. Do you know that I can count on one hand the number of nights that I have slept for more than 5 hours in a row over the last 1.5 years, yes, ON ONE HAND? I am already really tired and have been looking forward to maybe sleeping one night in the next year or so as M gets older.
5) I have been pretty freaked out. My house is very small.
6) I have been pretty freaked out. How would I work daycare logistics? How would I afford daycare for two?
7) And then there is the strangeness of having gotten pregnant like normal people do. This is not my identity. I still wear an infertility awareness bracelet. This all feels surreal.
8) I just got off of my 2 semesters of pregnancy leave, and after one semester back, might be going on another 2 semesters of leave. Am I even allowed to take that much so close together?
9) It is petty, but it was just at the start of December that I got back into my old clothes, and bought a pair of skinny jeans in a size I haven't worn since I was in my early 20s. The bald spot on my temple was starting to fill in -- I had lost a lot of hair after delivery, very weird. I was even thinking of saving up for a botox treatment after I finished nursing. I was starting to feel good in my body again. It feels too soon to go through it again, like the memories of the hard parts are still too fresh.
10) the miscarriage rate at my age is about 35%, and the chances of a genetic abnormality feel even higher than normal for my age because, well, we weren't trying to get pregnant so we hadn't done any of those things couples do to make sure sperm is as fresh and healthy as possible.
11) I feel incredibly guilty for not immediately being excited and happy.
12) I worry terribly about what this will do to my ability to mother M. I love our relationship. She is such an amazing kid. If I end up having to pay attention to a newborn when she's 1.5 years old... she feels too young to be losing her mother like that.
13) I feel terrible that she cries and cries at night because she wants more milk but there is no more -- I hardly make enough for her now and might have to start supplementing with formula. This makes me feel sick to my stomach as it is so incredibly different from how I envisioned the end of our nursing relationship.
14) And then I remember that life is not scripted. Turns come at you without anticipation, and sometimes the most wonderful things come when you roll with the punches. Maybe this is a good way for M and I to dwindle down our nursing. Maybe a sibling so close in age will give her a family that lasts much longer than her aging parents will. Maybe all the details and logistics of having two will work out as easily as they did for when we were preparing for one and had no idea how it would work.
I watched the movie "The Help" tonight. It is wonderful. Have you seen it? While the whole thing made me cry and laugh and be very sad and angry, one part really resonated with me in my current situation. It's when the maid Constantine tells Skeeter that it is her choice every day to decide how she is going to feel about what people say about her. This is very sage, and extends beyond what other people think. It also applies to how we think about our own lives. It is my decision every day as to whether or not I embrace my life and the curveballs, laughing at every opportunity, or if I freak out and worry incessantly about the details.
So, I am embracing. I am a bit freaked. But I am embracing. We'll see what happens at my ob appointment a week from Monday. Maybe there will be a heartbeat, maybe not. Either way I think it will be ok. Either way life has thrown me a lot of wonderful, and hopefully that will endure through the inevitable changes. Change was going to come, I know that. At the very minimum, M is going to grow up and our relationship will change. It was guaranteed to change, no matter what. I just had never anticipated that THIS would be the impetus.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
where does the time go?
I have completely lost the ability to keep up. I am back at work "full time" and teaching, which means I am trying to do 50 hours of work in 35. I haven't blogged in ages. I haven't written in Maddy's journal in several weeks, and I used to write in it every other day. I haven't taken any pictures of her in more than a week, which is sad given that I think I have at least one picture of every day of her life up until class started this semester.
Life is basically really good though and passing by way too fast.
I cannot believe that my little baby will be 11 months old on Valentine's day. She is walking these days, but prefers to hold a hand while doing so, which gets tricky. She has a serious grip and will not let go. She is also still waking up 2 times at night, and sometimes three, rarely just once. And the best part is that she loves to mimic. So freaking cute. We taught her how to give kisses on the lips tonight before she went to bed.
I have a question for those of you with more than one child... is it twice the work? twice as much fun? twice as hard? is two better then one? how hard is it to be a professor AND mama to two? did you have to cut back at work way more with the second, or was the first baby the biggest adjustment with work?
Life is basically really good though and passing by way too fast.
I cannot believe that my little baby will be 11 months old on Valentine's day. She is walking these days, but prefers to hold a hand while doing so, which gets tricky. She has a serious grip and will not let go. She is also still waking up 2 times at night, and sometimes three, rarely just once. And the best part is that she loves to mimic. So freaking cute. We taught her how to give kisses on the lips tonight before she went to bed.
I have a question for those of you with more than one child... is it twice the work? twice as much fun? twice as hard? is two better then one? how hard is it to be a professor AND mama to two? did you have to cut back at work way more with the second, or was the first baby the biggest adjustment with work?
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