The bad night

So much has been happening at the same time that so little has been happening, if that makes sense.  It has been hard to decide on what to write about and so, silence...

But last night I had an experience that freaked me out.

I have a bit of a weird allergy, where I get restricted in my upper respiratory track and have a dry cough, hard to catch my breath.  I've had this for about 5 years and some days it doesn't bother me at all and other days it's really pesky.  And at night, when I lay down it can be brutal.

But then there was last night.  Last night I was exhausted and tried to go to bed around 8pm.  I immediately started my coughing routine but it was particularly bad and wouldn't settle down.  It kept getting worse and frustrating b/c I had to breath really heavily to try and get enough oxygen, but with every coughing episode I peed in my pants (even 10 second after I just completely voided my bladder).  It was scary, but after about an hour I could breath better and fell asleep.

The cat woke me up at 11:40pm and I could feel the coughing coming back on.  It was again pretty bad by about 12:45am and I got a little freaked.  So I called the on-call doctor from my OB's office and she told me to come into the emergency room immediately.

So I did.

By the time I got there I was still having some difficulty breathing but it wasn't all that bad any more.  The emergency room sent me up to labor & delivery, where little M got monitored for 30 minutes and all was great with her.  The dr I talked to on the phone came in after she finished up a delivery and said that there really isn't much they could do for me at that point, but that all seemed fine with the pregnancy so just talked to my primary care doctor today and try to see a pulmonary specialist.  She didn't think it sounded like asthma but there was clearly something in my upper respiratory track that isn't quite right.

I go to see my primary care this afternoon. 

I have such mixed emotions about it all.  I feel kind of foolish to go to the emergency room when they couldn't/didn't do anything for me.  But then again, I was scared, having trouble breathing, and what would have happened it if I had passed out and something happened to the baby?  I know deep down that I did the right thing.  And at the very least I know that my horrible coughing spells aren't hurting M.  She's doing great, and there is nothing in the world that I am more grateful for than that.

Random end notes:

Thanksgiving was really nice, but have many thoughts about my relationship with my sister and her IF troubles.  She is an angel about it all, but I feel guilty.  I'll post on that soon once I have some more time to process.

Nicholas -- I DO still have the crown-rump length article as a PDF but I don't know your email address.

Update on the work announcement

A couple of weeks ago I shared my angst over revealing my pregnancy at work.  I did end up submitting my leave request that day, with a note about the university's privacy policy (i.e., only employees who have to work on the case need to know and information should stay private outside of essential personnel). 

The dean wrote back immediately with a congrats and that he'd definitely honor my request for privacy.  The chair wrote back with a lame congrats and also said that he wasn't sure that my class was important enough to merit spending money hiring someone to fill in for me.  (He apparently forgot that the university actually pays the department $14,000 per semester to specifically hire someone to cover my teaching.  I pointed this out to him, but he didn't bother to write back.  I think I've mentioned that he's an ass who has a serious problem with me because I called him on failing to follow policy that totally screwed me over.  I'm still waiting on that apology...)

I get an email today from this chair who says that he isn't sure how to pursue my and dh's leave requests since we said that we didn't want anyone to know why we are going on leave.

What an ass.  See, I cited university policy very explicitly and even provided a link to the relevant policy.  This clearly says that the matter should only be discussed with other employees who need to know in order to accommodate the situation.  This does not mean that NO ONE can know, obviously that wouldn't work at all.

I explained this again and quoted the specific language of the policy.  But really, what is his deal?  He is either very dumb or a total jerk. 

Two more people, men this time, have mentioned my pregnancy.  I still haven't talked to the people in my lab yet, but I can't imagine that they haven't figured it out.  Little M is definitely getting bigger. 

You'll love this.  Dh, you know the guy who is overseas for the next 6 weeks?  Yea, that one.  He said that I shouldn't tell anyone in my lab until January at the earliest.  I told him this is absurd.  If I was the one who was out of town, sure.  But I'm here, with the growing belly that is starting to become the elephant in the room...  men.

(By the way, last night I went straight home and made a scrambled egg with spinach over rice.  Very tasty, and much healthier than the McDonald's I was kind of craving...)

feeling kind of sad

I don't think I like this being-alone-while-pregnant thing.  I feel really good, but everything is still a bit of an effort.  And the more time I spend by myself the more time I have to spend with my thoughts. 

It's amazing how I fluctuate.  One minute I feel fertile/beautiful and happy, and the next I feel overwhelmed by my huge breasts and the mistake of wearing a long white shirt that I think makes me look more like a white whale rather than a pregnant lady.

And now I'm kind of hungry, but I have some heartburn and not much food in the house.  I am still at work, so theoretically can go to the grocery store on my way home, but then I'd have to cook.  And it's late.  So I could go pick up some food.  But what?  What would taste good, not give me heartburn, and not make me feel regretful tomorrow?  And then I think about the employee at the food-store, to whom I'd look like a big white whale who had to pig out on more food late at night so I could look more whale-like.

See?  Not a good head to be hanging around with tonight.  I need a distraction, and some healthy food.

weighing in

Thanks for all of your hilarious replies to my earlier "pathetic"post!  I love you all so much. 

I did good this time around and only gained 4 pounds over the last month.  That's the right pace.  But the frustrating thing?  The dr said that I've gained 25 pounds in total, which is only true if you count the 5 pounds the freaking fertility drugs gave me BEFORE I got pregnant.  I didn't argue with her, but still it just doesn't seem quite right to make me completely responsible for those extra five pounds.  Shouldn't us IF women get a break -- like just a big congratulations at each appointment for STAYING pregnant?  I kind of don't like being treated like a normal pregnant lady because I am not one of those deep down in the emotional depths. 

Anyway, whatever. I am just extremely grateful every morning when I wake up and little M is still in there and gives me a tiny little good morning shove. I am the most fortunate woman in the world.  Every day is a milestone I'm so happy to have made it to.

I am officially pathetic

I have a dr's apt tomorrow. I just spent 30 minutes finding a lightweight outfit that I could also lecture in. Why lightweight? So that I can weigh in as little extra weight as possible... I am embarrassed to admit that I actually think about it, but I have already gained 20 lbs and still have 16 weeks to go... I feel so shallow.

airport thoughts and observations

I put Dh and his 5 huge bags on the airplane last night.  I always take a photo of us sitting together at the airport right before he leaves to go through security, one of those goofy self-photos.  It's a superstition thing for me, but I don't think he knows that.  He used to think I was really silly to do it, but he's starting to get into it.  He looks really good in the photo.  I can see my wrinkles. I had been kidding myself that they weren't very obvious.  Oh well.

On my flights to and from the meeting earlier this week I noticed a few things about human behavior:

1) men over 30 are either especially nice to women who are pregnant, or men over 30 are especially nice to women who are a little on the round side.

2) some people looked at my pregnant belly and then looked away a little ashamed, as if were embarrassed by the very open acknowledgment that I have had sex.  Little do they know how much sex was NOT involved with my getting pregnant.  In fact, it has been a really long time since I had sex...  we are very paranoid about miscarriages over here.

3) people that you kind of know professionally will generally not say anything about your bulging belly, but they will look at you sideways and maybe even giggle a little.

wishing

I haven't posted in a while.  For one, work has been crazy busy.  I had to review a bunch of grant proposals and then travel across the country for a panel meeting to decide who should and should not get money.  I also had two lectures to prepare last week and an exam to write and set-up for yesterday (when I was out of town).  And in the midst of those things, finish up a manuscript and forget to write an important letter of recommendation.  Luckily tomorrow is a holiday, so no class.

But tomorrow is also the day that Dh leaves for 6 weeks of field work. 

I just got back from the airport and wrote that late letter of recommendation.  My head is not right and I can't decide if I am in a bad mood or not.  I hardly slept at all last night so that might be the reason.  And it has been a long day.  And Dh leaves tomorrow night. 

The day I found out I was pregnant I had put on a little string bracelet, one of those "make a wish" ones that is supposed to fall off when your wish comes true.  I wished for peace. 

It fell off sometime today.  I am wondering if I have my peace.  Maybe, but it feels so fragile. 

Mo and Will's bad news reminds me of the fragility even more.  I can't imagine the anguish they are feeling right now; it breaks my heart to think of what they are going through.

Requesting Leave

Here is my confession.

I am 22 weeks pregnant.  It is November 3rd.  My husband teaches in the spring and legally has the right to take paternity leave from teaching for the entire semester, but we need to start the paperwork to get someone else to teach his class for him asap.  He will leave for the field next week, meaning he'll be out of communication until the end of December.  So, all dept admin for the switch in instructors needs to be done before he goes.

I don't technically teach next semester (I know, cushy teaching job but that's the one perk of being in the sciences).  So my leave is much less urgent.  Although I do need to put in for it since I intend to take my teaching release next fall and someone will need to be found to teach my class (no one in my dept could do it - long story).

I am really, really freaked out about doing this.  Once my email and the signed forms are out of my hands people will know.  If something goes wrong, people will know.

I do not have a good relationship with my dean or department chair, or the academic personnel officer for that matter (she adores the chair and dislikes me, even though she doesn't know the history at all).  The chair and dean have both mistreated me as a second class citizen.  The former chair so egregiously discriminated against me that the chancellor apologized, although the chair never got in trouble for it.  I work in a male-dominated discipline.  I learned very early on that being a woman is a handicap in this field.  Reproducing is just going to remind everyone that I'm a woman even moreso than the skirts I often wear.

I find this baby a safe-haven mentally from the cruel academic world I inhabit.  She is my escape from all of that, the gravity that will keep me real and human.  Sharing her with all of these assholes makes me sick to my stomach.  And yet, I have to tell them.  I have no choice.

I absolutely have to confront the interaction between this wonderful personal thing and my evil work-world.  But it is so incredibly hard to walk my butt down to the office and hand in my forms and hit send on that email.  I need some emotional fortitude...