Loney Chrimmas

Well, I guess it's Christmas. I don't have any plans for it it really. On Monday, I went to the school to give the teachers Christmas apples and they roped me into cleaning high places. But then I got to sit in on their end of year cleaning new years party thing. Then they gave me a huge thing of left over sushi and told me I had to eat it by the next morning. I did my best; right now I am trying out frying the expired sushi to see if it will kill me or not. That's how I roll. I spent the next day at a mochi-smashing event of a student, and the night at a Christmas party with some other students. At two separate events, I mentioned the waitress at each respective place was cute and so with some conspiritorial J friend help, I got two email addresses. I don't know how that will play out, but I bet I won't get any dates for me.
So tonight I will teach a group class and probably come home and remember it's Christmas again and be a little lonely.
Miss you, everyone.

Operating Without a Brain

It's probably painfully obvious to you readers, but my brain doesn't work anymore. Since I came here, I've noticed my mind wanders at the slightest provocation, often into reminiscence land. This is a bit of a problem during the daily listening schoolwork. Also of late, I ran a few games of D&D and noticed that my brain could not recall ongoing conditions of the game (for which the players were not happy). Also, my simple subtraction speed is down; maybe I need to get a hold of Brain Training DS again.

As for my job, I've noticed my odd tendency to write the end of a word's letters before they are supposed to come has only gotten worse. This is quite annoying, as I am constantly erasing what I wrote a second before while the students look at me and probably roll their eyes. Do we pay this guy? Oddly enough, this writing problem doesn't extend to when I am typing, but in any case I think it is related to my concentration problem. I am not living in the now when I write; I am living in the future of the words and sentences.

The only thing I do seem to remember is Japanese (perhaps my brain has shifted all of its priorities to language acquisition), but like I said, those listening tests are worrying me. I think my mind may wander during the actual JLPT.

I'm going to try to find some ginkgo biloba and see if that helps my concentration and memory. Also, I have to give meditation a more serious try. I do it occasionally on the train when I have nothing else to do, but I think I need to make a point to do it each morning. For that matter, I need to bite the bullet and wake up around and hour earlier than I have been. The world is never going to adjust to my circadian rhythms.

Speaking of the brain and sleep, I recently heard on the Sixty Second Science podcast that our brains shut down in stages, and neuron clusters give up when they have worked hard. This may explain why reading Japanese makes me so sleepy. It may also explain why I am so groggy in the mornings; only part of me is awake, and begrudgingly at that. This morning, I tried something to wake up. I started counting to wake up a few extra brain cells. Then I started singing to wake up another section. Oddly enough, I chose the The Sound of Music song.

You know, I can't remember what comes after "Tea, a drink with jam and bread..." But I did wake up.

Book Reviews

Just in case you missed them on Japan Probe, I did a couple book reviews in a video. It has so few comments that I am afraid people have finally realized what I knew all along...
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People's comments last post were interesting. Some thoughts of mine: Why stop at one dream, especially if you feel you can focus sufficiently on the important ones? My underlying dream of dreams seems to be to live in a house in a bamboo covered, mossy mountain in Japan somewhere. With that in mind, I don't have much to stress about; there are many paths. I also still believe that the universe helps me out, and there will be a way of some sort. I got to Japan in the first place, after all. That said, I feel I have some side projects to attend to, and maybe some networking to do too.

Tell Me How to do People Stuff

In this post I turn to you, the readers, because you have common sense and I don't.--case in point: Today I finally decided figure out how to pay the rent in this country. That's right, for three years, stuff just happened for me and I didn't really know how, because I had kind keepers. I guess I've done 振込みs before, but this was the first time to pay rent by them for me. End digression with double hyphen in 3, 2,...-- So, my question for you, gentle reader, is:

How do I realize my dream to work in the Japanese book industry and design book covers and layouts? Should I break down and go to grad school some where? Should I just teach Eikaiwa after I finish at this little language school, and hope an opportunity comes to me somehow? Should I get a job in the mail room at a Japanese publisher and work my way up? Should I dust off my old graphic design portfolio and hope no one asks why the only thing I've designed in the last 4 years is a blogspot layout (yes this one). I'm not sure.

Seeing the principal advising all the students here each day, who are much younger than me on average and just looking to begin their college careers in earnest, has me thinking about my future. I am, though poorish, debt free at this point in my life, and I didn't like academia the first time around. Don't get me wrong, learning and studying are some of my favorite things, but I draw to much attention to myself in a classroom environment, and that can cause teachers to polarize towards or against me. And then these very human people control my fate and wrack me with stress and emphasize things they care about over what I want to learn. Messy. But I guess that's part of life, eh? Dealing with people and their highs and lows. It can be beautiful, but...

This post reads like I am autistic, doesn't it.
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Then I have the other dreams to do something involving the Japanese movie industry too. And even a dream to just work in a rice field somewhere, like this guy. Or own a bookstore. There are tons of things I want to do in Japan. I have a friend thinking about coming back to Japan and marrying his girlfriend, then owning a restaurant. That would be awesome.

"I hate Japan" Days

I was hating Japan yesterday. Because my new bike was stolen. In broad daylight. What the hell, Japan?

Still Alive

I'm not one to go long without poppin' out a post, but no nets makes for a lack of inspiration. Well, there is inspiration, but I forget it by the time (day) that I can actually make it to a computer. One of the thoughts that has been swimming around in my head is that the universe conspires to help me, but not necessarily all that hard. Lazy universe. I may have found the perfect job; the interview went great. But I wasn't interviewed by the people who are actually in charge of the money. So I have a good recommendation versus someone else's face time. Nobody has tried to be my student through the teaching website I joined. I lower my fees each day in desperation.

There was some jerky guy that tried to leave a comment on my last post, where I asked for donations if people felt like it. He said that everyone in Japan is rich and that food is cheap. "300 yen ramen in the streets of Tokyo". Let this pauper redress you, friend: People without jobs, people paying tuition, are not rich. This isn't the bubble economy. Second, this weird thing about ramen. First, I have never seen ramen that cheap that wasn't freeze-dried and waiting to be cooked by me. Second, what kind of person lives off ramen? Eating healthy takes a little cash.

But there are tons of little expenses in Japan. For instance, the trains are more expensive here. It doesn't make any sense; a hundred people jammed into the car, and it costs twice as much as the countryside to get anywhere.They must be raking in the profits here to distribute their losses in rural areas is all I can figure. Taken right from the government model, that. And I should know. I'm the engineer on the crazy train to poor town.

The Leaver's Party

Yesterday I had tons of visa drama. Let me just say I will be cutting things close, people. I have an intricate tourist-backup-visa plan, but at that point I am probably just going to ask for a ticket home, because maybe no country is worth this many loop-jumpings.
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Anyways, our JETs got together en-mass one last time at a hotel buffet. I realized that this year I know people not much at all. My location is an excuse for some of that, but I think it is mostly the effect of three years of new people coming in and forming their own mini communities and kind of going under this veteran's radar. So as for all the people I really, really want to see one last time, well, I think that we will get together. Someone mentioned their high school ten year reunion coming up. I wonder if I'd even want to go to mine...
One complaint: nobody voted for me for the karaoke freak awards. Have they not seen the playlist? Oh wait, I just outlined above that these people and I don't really see each other. Speaking of singing, all the Americans got together at the flags and sang the star-spangled banner. I actually felt patriotic. I bet the other JETs wished that they could be an American.
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I had a dream about a past relationship today; no doubt triggered by thoughts of what has happened over the last three years. It had an interesting, happy ending, but then I woke, and, well... reality is not the dream.

Not a Calendar Per-- OH CRAP

My time left here is ridiculously short. Today was spent with that fact rearing it's head. And my future situation is painfully unsettled. Will I get my Passport back? Will it have a visa attached? When do I pay for tuition? Where do I keep my money? Will I have a place to stay? Will I get the info I want from my JET translation course books recorded before I leave them behind? Will I convince the BOE that paying for my train ticket is an honoring of their agreement made three years ago? Will I be beat to crap by this move? Stay tuned.
Filed under: Panic! Why aren't you panicing?! This is Panic-con Alpha!

もののあわれ

Props to Jeff for not only reminding me that it was firefly season, but also learnin' me a bit about some fancy nippongo words.
So let me summarize: From Jeff, I learned the word 諸行無常, which is a Buddhist concept of the inevitable impermanence of things. Which reminds one of もののあわれ, the appreciation of the impermanence of things, as illustrated by short-lived fireflies and sakura blossoms (life is short, therefore beautiful--Jeff seemed to contend that this is a depressive thing, but as the Hopeless Romantic, I am inclined to put my sad-is-beautiful spin on it).　もののあわれ finds it's origins in The Tale of Genji, whereas 諸行無常 finds it's genesis in the tale of Heike--which is about the Heike and Genji clans' war (they used to have different names, but this is the convention now). By the way, Mr. Heike and Mr. Genji sit in that image on the title bar of this very blog these days.
Now oddly enough, when I went up into the mountains to view fireflies, I met an old lady associate of mine. She informed me then that fireflies, the reminders of もののあわれ, are split into two types: Heike and Genji. Is this a coincidence, or did the bug naming guys have the two tales, concepts, and clans in mind, due to relationships of impermanent sayings? Who knows. Anyways, I thought it was neat.
I was informed that there was going to be a firefly festival in the same spot the next night, so I returned. There was a band and food and everyone eying me as usual--at one point I was forced to dance for the crowd with my old lady friend, this is the wages of easy wages in a foreign land, so no real surprise there.
I mentioned もののあわれ to a guy that was buddying* me, and he seemed impressed, saying Japanese people these days don't know about that. Judging on how people acted that night, I am inclined to agree. During the music and lottery portions of the evening, everyone stayed off to the side of the riverbank, in the lights where one can hardly see fireflies. Some of the children played in the river, but came up for the raffle when it was dark. When the event ended, almost everyone just left. No actual going down to the river to look at the reason why we were there. I was astounded; here we have these little wonders of nature, and nobody cares.
And far be it for me to think I am doing the Japanese thing better than the Japanese do (though sometimes I wonder if that is how the impremanence of this culture is going to manifest: in the hands of a few foreigners). I was just confused why people don't stop to enjoy the sights. After all, our time on this world is fleeting, and therefore beautiful.
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Incidentally, I ran into a barbecue while wandering about the rivers that night, and not only ate strips of, but was given a huge chunk of boar meat. I made boar meat chili with it. Yum. Oddly un-porky.
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*buddying: The process of giving unwanted food, drinks, and 30 years-unused-English-skills to a foreigner who is just trying to enjoy the quiet majesty of nature. Also known as gawk-blocking.

Existential that, bub

I used to get lonely. Now I think living in a mountain farmhouse would be an ideal existence a lot of the time. Am I a living cautionary tale?
So I am supposed to be an art teacher. That's the backup career. But I am really supposed to be an artist and writer. However, I subscribe to the philosophy that more stuff and a well-paying career won't really raise happiness levels, so I concentrate on being happy as a ESL face.

I have been thinking recently that I surf too much when I should be drawing, writing or studying. Doing something to exercise my talents. Entertaining 14 year olds on youtube doesn't count.

My jaw is clenching even more than the other day. Still wondering if it is stress, or worrying about the future that is doing that to me. Could be unregisterd loneliness stress Today I'll probably apply to a language school...

A change of gate

Had a lot of free time today so I went up to the giant sports grounds overlooking the school. I did four laps, which I figure is about a mile. It was enough to make my back hurt, this exercise after a couple months of slacking and sitting.
Halfway through my first lap the special ed class showed up. Why they have their class separate is beyond me. But I played a little soccer with the three of them and the teacher. I am quite frankly worse at playing than them.
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Got a heads up today that I have gained some sort of a use em and loose em reputation among some people in Saga. Which was shocking, honestly, because I've only ever dated one girl in the entire prefecture, and she broke things off. And my last real relationship lasted two years; I'm not looking to play around. So I don't know who started this rumor or why, but it's disturbing, and there's nothing I can do about it.
This is the power of bad gossip. Could people be confusing me with another giant blond guy?
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Without knowing the above, I went on that date yesterday. It was fun, and I was super chaste. So take that, rumor mongers!

Gongsun

There lived years ago the beautiful Gongsun,
Who, dancing with her dagger, drew from all four quarters
An audience like mountains lost among themselves.
Heaven and earth moved back and forth, following her motions,
Which were bright as when the Archer shot the nine suns down the sky
And rapid as angels before the wings of dragons.
She began like a thunderbolt, venting its anger,
And ended like the shining calm of rivers and the sea....
But vanished are those red lips and those pearly sleeves;
And none but this one pupil bears the perfume of her fame,
This beauty from Lingying, at the Town of the White God,
Dancing still and singing in the old blithe way.
And while we reply to each other's questions,
We sigh together, saddened by changes that have come.
There were eight thousand ladies in the late Emperor's court,
But none could dance the dagger-dance like Lady Gongsun.
...Fifty years have passed, like the turning of a palm;
Wind and dust, filling the world, obscure the Imperial House.
Instead of the Pear-Garden Players, who have blown by like a mist,
There are one or two girl-musicians now-trying to charm the cold Sun.
There are man-size trees by the Emperor's Golden Tomb
I seem to hear dead grasses rattling on the cliffs of Qutang.
...The song is done, the slow string and quick pipe have ceased.
At the height of joy, sorrow comes with the eastern moon rising.
And I, a poor old man, not knowing where to go,
Must harden my feet on the lone hills, toward sickness and despair.

Tang Shi III. 1. (64)
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So word on the street is they won't have an ALT after me. Which almost certainly means I don't get a fourth year; I have been budgeted out. Laid off, despite the many non-native ALTs and a looming Elementary English curriculum. This is unofficial as of yet; I'll have to confirm the rumor. In the mean time, I am a poor old man, not knowing where to go.
Opportunity is scary.

Disconnect

It is one of the sad things about life that in any human-to-human relationship you are in, chances are one of you is more invested than the other. And when you realize this imbalance, there is little happiness to be gained.

Did I sound hopeful last post?

Cause I am in total 絶望 right now! I took a look at renshuu.org and made a quick set of vocabulary lists for the JPLT. It will be a miracle if I can get the 2kyu vocab down in time, what with 38 lessons of 100 words. Have mercy...

the good news: tons of these are already in my anki list and have been studied. Many of the kanji and their nuances aren't new to me.

the plan: Make kanji-only cards for anki (no definition backwards card pairs) to facilitate fast assimilation.

We call it a

The children have heads crowned with leaves. I am told that they are gods. They look more of Greek or Roman than of Japanese deity ilk to me.

"The fire is sacred; a symbol of friendship and unity" says the eager college student.
"What do they call this kind of fire?" I ask.
"They call it... a campfire."
"Oh." I think back to earlier when a teacher laughed at me for saying that if I went camping with even a couple friends, we would have a fire. Campfire: mundane katakana word, bigger ceremonial implications. The fire week cook our food on is much smaller, separate, and surrounded by cement.
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This article helped me understand ritual in everyday Japanese life a little bit better. It also helped me understand why I have to come to an empty teachers room every day during the summer.
I was going to write about how the Japanese are obsessed with harmony, but that will do for now, pig, that'll do.

This is gonna be a bad day

The day I decide to wear pants is the day they don't have the AC on in the school. I am sitting in a soup of my own sweat; this has been a bad day so far, and will likely continue.

Lessons

Long ago, I was an art teacher. I was also the pottery teacher, but I've never been good at throwing. It was like "Wow that's... better than anthing I can do! Okay!"
My first session, which was a short visit of a couple weeks, went pretty well. I made one, I feel, major mistake during my second session, which was a whole semester split between two schools. My mistake was following the lead of the real teacher and being a disciplinarian. Hardcore. I punished bad students, albiet half-heartedly. I think the students could sense I wasn't really feeling as strict as I acted, and it was not exactly smooth going.
Then I got to the junior high and leared that 1)most rules are arbitrary and should be ignored 2)ultimatums are a stupid thing to utter, cause if you follow through half you class could end up in detention that period, or you could just undermine your own athority if you don't follow through (for this reason don't be a disciplinarian in the first place, you have to follow through from then on) 3)Special ed students love you; regular students hate their lives and project that on to you.
So, I feel I am a much better teacher these days. I don't discipline; it's actually a very interesting experiment, this Japanese Education system. I don't really reward either, beyond a "your team won!" There is some guy I learned about in pedagogy classes that advocated this system. Basically, students will learn if they want to, and that is what happens here.
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Also along nostalgic lines, today on my "radio show" I will teach the students how to use "in'it", just like my Native American students used to do.

strangers in the night

I had a full weekend. Karaoke in Kashima that cost way too much. Festival in Nagasaki. Visiting a lonely park in the mountains that had lots of playground equipment but no children to speak off. Attending to a small mountain shrine whilst dodging fallen bamboo trees that didn't weather the last typhoon. Providing the battery to start a stranger's motor cycle in the middle of nowhere. But for most of the events I was kicking myself for being shy in a land of shy people.
Then last night I walked along the cement barrier that keeps the sea at bay. I was startled to find a woman there. I said "good evening" and went a bit off. The moonlight reflecting on the water was like a dream. I wished someone was there to share it. I guess the woman shared it, though she was some fifty feet distant. As I left, I felt sudden panic. What if that woman was committing suicide? I mean I'm weird, so I do things like go look at the sea at night. But do Japanese people do that too?
So I debated with myself over whether I should go back. I pondered what to say in Japanese. すみませんちょっと変な質問けど。。。たしかにあなたは自殺つもりですか something like that...

In the end, a groundskeeper started to ask what I was doing, and I told him that there was a woman by the sea. He grumbled and walked in her direction. I walked the other way.

Even batman needed a buddy for company

As the hopeless romantic, I have often thought I was quite comfortable being alone and brooding. But I think I have reached my limit. And I don't really have anything to brood about, except why I've been feeling sick and irritable lately. The answer came from a teacher that I have a small rivalry with (in the Japanese sense where your rival is your friend). Anyways, I mentioned to her that my throat hurts every day. No doubt that is mostly allergies, but she suggested stress, and a light went off in my head.
"But wait," I said. "I am a 暇人 (person with lots of free time)!"
She, being the good rival that she is, shot back with, "You're lonely." Then she walked off. I realized she is right. That I am tired of being the only foreigner in town and only seeing my girlfriend on weekends. That I am tired of 社交辞令 where Japanese people make friends with me for a night at the izakaya or wherever then lose interest in me because they have their busy lives to lead and I am Mr. Freetime. And it does stress me out.
I need friends my age, that I can see on more than just weekends. People that are free like me. I'll have to brood over what to do about all of this...

Can you really pray for peace?

Thinking about it, I see a problem. People have free will. The only true way to achieve peace is to change the wills of aggressive people. But that would violate free will.
For that matter, is praying that the hearts of our enemies will be softened a prayer in vain for something that cannot be done?
edit: I guess I should also leave open the question of whether we have free will. What about it, my Buddhist and Wickan and Pagan friends? Free will, prayer, changing people from evil to good through wishing/praying?