What's written here are my own thoughts. If you disagree with it, be professional and click the red X on the top right hand side. Please don't spam my C-box with vulgarities.

I've alternatively wanted to tweet, then I realised that I didn't want to let people know what's happening. But I still wanted to voice out my thoughts before I go crazy. So what do I do? Reuse the old blogs that I still have from way back since secondary school when blogging was still an in thing. I doubt anyone still bothers to come here, nor they remember the address. So I feel relatively safe posting here.

It's like you want people to know, but at the same time you don't want them to know. Funny right...

I know, I don't have that many friends left. I forfeited them all in my pursuit of my uni degree as well as my part time job. When people keep asking you to go out when you need to study or work, of course you will turn them down... it's not that you want to... it's just... priorities.

Do I regret the decision? Yes. I do. I really do. I rarely have any friends left. I gave up everything I had to graduate.

Was it necessary? Yes. Yes it was.

Now... I'm fighting with my gf. My gf doesn't believe that I'm doing anything and is mad at me. Yes, I know it's been 5 years going on 6. But I've already explained time and again that our situation is different from most other relationship. Why would you not believe that if it was so easy, I would have already proposed to you and start a family with you? It really isn't that simple. And yes, I know I've restricted you a lot of things... But can't you see that it's for your own good? That I'm trying to improve your life the only way i know how...

Then on the other hand, I'm fighting with my parents because of this. Why would you not believe that this is love (if I even know what love is). And that I've already thought of everything? Why is it that you ask me to live my own life, but when I want to do, you don't want to let me? You don't want to give me your blessings, you don't even want to hear me out before forming all your opinion... What do you want me to do?

And if god is so great, why can't I love her without worshipping You? Why must I die die follow you then you will approve? Aren't you supposed to be all great? Why get upset over such a small thing?

To go against God, which would most likely cause me to be struck by lightning...

Or to go against my parents as well? Which would cause me to be struck by lightning as well...

Struck by lightning or struck by lightning. I've suddenly became a lightning rod.

Fk my life...


Well Bessie/Betty/Becky;

The time has passed, the day where all... Fine, most of my friends remember I'm alive is over. I guess I'm back to being dead to them until next year again. Yup, my birthday is over for this year. I'm 23 now. Neither young, neither am I old. Young at heart ok? So like every year, let's chronicle what happened to me over the past year ok?

June 2011: Happy Birthday to me, I'm 22.

July 2011: I... was betrayed. By people whom I thought I could trust. It hurt, it sucks, it turned my whole world upside down. Perhaps you would know what it feels like, when people whom you trust with your life would lie to you about something so major. I mean, even when I confronted them, they tried to lie to me and cover up some more. It sucks because... I don't know? The thing about not being told the truth is that maybe you just know that you're not good enough for the truth, and that sucks a million times more.

August 2011: I should have quit my job and left, but I didn't want to, because I wanted to clear my name. Call me stubborn, call me pig headed... Truth be told, I just wanted to make life hell for the person who made my life hell. And boy, did I make her life hell. Haha. But that was the time when I was disappointed with myself the most. I became someone I didn't even recognize anymore. i was bitching about people online, acting like an immature idiot till one day, I realize that it was stupid, bitching about someone just because she bitched about me, degrading myself to her level. So I stopped, while she continued. Perhaps the most difficult thing for me to accept was that why none of the others stood up for me, why no one came up to me and told me: "Hey, it's not your fault, I know." But now I understand. They too were caught in the middle, between the two of us. I understand now, but during that time, it was difficult for me to go to work every week, and every week, people stare at me like I'm some kind of freakazoid. But I survived, and I made her life hell in the process. Good job, me.

Here, I would like to add in this quote. Never a better friend, never a worse enemy. It's become my whatsapp nick, my MSN quick message and what not. I read a James Patterson book and out of 500 plus pages, it was this quote that stood out for me. I think it was Private if I'm not wrong. The origin of this quote? I got this from wikianswers.com: That quote is the lifeline for the US Marine.

Trust me, I'll be the best friend you'll ever have. I'll be there for you when no one else is, I'll look after you till the point where you wonder if I'm in love with you, I'll be there for you 24/7. But piss me off, and wrong me for something that I didn't do, and I'll make your life equally as miserable as you made mine. My stance in life is simple. If I don't do anything to disturb you, you better not do anything to disturb me. Well, disturb me and you'll find out exactly what a bitch I can be.

September 2011: Both Alisa and Yi Lei left, new interns came and what not. The only thing I remembered about September was probably the fact that I had to meet Siti's family because she sabo me. I was just supposed to spend her birthday with her alone, but just 10 mins before I met her, she told me that her family would be there. So in the end, no choice lah, thick skin a bit, just say hi and what not. Then we went to watch a movie, Johnny English Reborn and then I asked her to help me with surprising Alisa for her birthday next at her house. Apparently, we crashed the Fort people's celebration for her and in the end, she ignored them and talked with Siti and I at her playground. Well, after that me and Siti talked for 3 hours before we finally said goodbye. It was 4am I think... And I went to my 0830am class looking like a zombie. Haha. If I'm not wrong, that's the lesson where I slept till I fell off my seat.

October 2011: This month highlight, working 16 hours. =D Oh yea, I remembered. Because aforementioned woman took MC when she herself rostered herself for so many things that I felt sorry for the people affected that I went to work and covered her shift even though I had exams. I did S1+S3+ Spooks till 0100hrs. From 0815hrs till 0100hrs. Awesome right? I know. But I had a good time working at spooks. I mean, I laughed like some kind of possessed maniac. That's how funny it was. You see bfs hugging onto their gfs instead of the other way round.

November 2011: The day where everything came to its boiling point. I think the main issue was that she rostered me for S2* when I didn't even ask for it, then she blamed me for not helping her out or something. I'm pretty sure that she fought with her other half that time and wanted to take it out on me, but that was the day I've had enough of her. She's been bitching about me on and on and on but I just ignored till that day. I think I must have been having a bad day. I told her enough was enough, and brought her up to the higher ups. Even then, she didn't even believe that I would do it. She said that if it came to that, the higher ups would believe her, not me. Unfortunately for her, I got all the others to help me and ya, the higher ups chose to believe me rather than her. After that, she said a half-hearted sorry. But I was too lazy to pursue the issue. I just told her that she stay the F out of my life, I'll stay out of hers. So that was that, and that was the day when I realized that maybe I wasn't as alone as I thought I was. Same thing as before, they just didn't want to get involved. Also, it was the month when Shahida kotex and Darwina left seeking greener pastures... And with that, the team that I grew up with was dissolved till it only left me.

December 2011: Taiwan! Awesome blossom man. The weather there was awesome, the food there. I had no idea what I put into my mouth sometimes, but I just ate it anyway. Chicken heart, pig blood jelly... Just eat only. Doesn't matter. But I had the time of my life there. Awesome to the maximum. It's one of the countries where I won't hesitate to go back to. First time I slept in the bathtub too because my cousin was snoring too loudly and I couldn't stand it any longer. Haha. December... Was also the time I became Sky 1. Well, because of what happened the previous month. IC without ICT. That's why I'm still struggling to learn, even now. I'm trying my best to just absorb whatever I can, ask whatever questions I can. I know I'm not cut out to be an ic. I'm not the nice nice type. I'm more of a Darwina type, where I'll just hantum the person if he's wrong and hope that he learns.

January 2012: Happy New Year! Perhaps the thing I remember most of this was SBP. Went with a bunch of people who couldn't drink, but act as if they could drink. In the end, had to play baby sitter to them. So my night was spent baby sitting people. It's simple guys, if you cannot drink, don't act as if you can drink. Also... Wait, when was CNY again? Last week of January right? Or was it first week of febuary??

January/February 2012: first day of cny was the usual. Meeting people you have no idea who. Second day was... Different. My grandfather passed away. My father's side. Second day of CNY. Want to tell people also cannot, cause CNY is a time of happiness, not sadness. But all things considered, we were considered lucky because we had a reunion dinner with everyone, wen my cousins based overseas came back, we celebrated his birthday the week before so ya. I mean, he was already senile and suffering, to quote my father: " there's no quality to life." so... It was better for him to go. So advice to all of you, don't get so caught up working or going out with friends or other half or staying at home too lazy to go out, just go visit your relatives once in a while. They'll appreciate it.

March 2012: Aforementioned woman left. Thank god, I seriously couldn't wait to usher her away from the place. It's difficult when she is the one who is suppose to do everything, but then doesn't give a shit about anything. It became so bad that several of the full timers were asking me things about sky when I was just working 2 days a week, not 5 days like her. I think it shows that they respect me more than her? I don't know. I really don't think I'm cut out to be an ic.

The only person who understands my method is alvin tan snow white. He knew, I screwed him upside down. In the end, when he left I was... Heartbroken. Not to sound gay. But I am close to him. We were always thinking about where to go for lunch and all... And he's the only one who cares enough about me to buy lunch or force me to drink water at work... I can't find that with my staff now. It's always me forcing them. The bond just isn't there.

I look at my current bunch of staff and I feel a deep sense of disappointment and anger at them. When I look at them, I see all this potential for them to become more than what they currently are now. I see that they can be so much more, that they have so much potential to do things but they just aren't willing to step up to the plate. And it's sad... Cause I was once like this till Darwina kept pushing me and pushing me till I'm what I am today. Without her... I guess I'll be like my current staff. That's why I keep pushing them to be more than they are now. But they just don't want to be. Sigh. I'll keep pushing, but if they aren't willing to help themselves, who can help them?

April/May 2012: I managed with my crazy life. School 5 days, work 2 days. It's crazy and it's difficult and it's tiring. Extremely exhausting. When people keep spamming your phone that they are overseas or at clubs or k-box and you're working your ass off trying to pay your next school fees... It's depressing. But I survived. And I am still surviving.

Perhaps the focal point of this 2 months would be that I went for a marathon without training. Just to accomplish my new year resolution. It poured halfway during the run, and giving up was so tempting, especially since more than 50% of the runners had already given up due to the cold. But I persevered and endured thru the run. It took me 7.5 hours to complete the run, but the sense of accomplishment after I've finished, priceless.

There are a million times I feel like giving up. But there's a million and one times I told myself to keep challenging myself. It's not easy, it's not going to get any easier. But everyday's a challenge. And every challenge brings with it new things.

I'm a firm believer of this phrase:" whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger." and I do believe so. So bring on each day. As long as I'm still alive and breathing, I'll take it as a challenge.

Challenges are there, to mould us into what we should be. Always remember that and never give up.
Watching a movie, actually we can learn a lot from movies. Movies can teach us a lot as long as we open our eyes and try to see the lessons that they are teaching us. So... The movie I learned a lot from this time?? Ice Age 4...

Manny the mammoth taught me that no matter what a child does or what a child says, a parent's love for their children cannot be measured. They will still be there for you no matter what.

Sid the... what the heck is he? A sloth? Ya, whatever he is, he taught me that no matter what you are, who you are, how often you screw up, there's always still a time for you to shine, and nobody else has screwed up more times than he did.

Diego the sabre-tooth tiger taught me that you don't have to do things alone, no matter what it is, there's still people around who are willing to help you. In his own words, you have to find your own herd.

Granny the old sloth taught me that no matter what others think of you, continue doing what it is that you want to do, even if people say that you're crazy, that you're delusional. End of the day, she was right after all. Preciousssssssssssssssssssss~

And finally... Scrat the squirrel taught me that no matter what the hell happens to you, NEVER EVER GIVE UP. And I'm sure everyone knows how often things "goes" his way. Have we ever seen him giving up on getting his acorn? So we should never give up on what we are doing.

1 movie, and look how much it has taught me. I look forward to seeing what Dark knight rises can teach me. I cannot wait to catch that movie.

PS: I think I'm just jealous. Jealousy is an ugly emotion after all. Point out one way I'm lousier than her. Honestly.
I'm not going to tweet what I want to say because I'm having an argument with 2 different people, and I know for certain because it has already happened that what I tweet for A, B is going to think its meant for him/her. So to prevent any further misunderstanding, I'm going to blog instead. And when you finally read this B, I'm not referring to you but to A.

But let me clarify now, whatever I blogged, if the shoe fits, please wear it.

If I have been less than a friend, not even a good friend or best friend but just as a simple friend, if I've been less than that to you, please tell me now. Can't I even have my own friends whom I didn't meet for a long time and just want to see them again? Why must you put it this way? Have I ever put them over you or show favoritism to them? I've always put you first, especially in the state that you're in now, I've always put you first, even over myself sometimes... Let me correct that, most of the times. It's only in those rare occasions will I put myself first, and thats because I have to, not because I want to. Your happiness and well being has always been my top priority or one of my top priority.

I don't want to continue anymore because I'm too pissed to continue, and I know if I continue all the vulgarities will come out, and I know 100% that when B reads this, we're going to have a mother of all fights...

But I want to say this... If you think that I can't do anymore for you as a friend, that you can't gain anymore out of being friends with me, if you really want to go, just go. I don't want to try so hard to hold on to friends who feel as though they are being forced to stay with me. I don't want to try my hardest to get you to stay, then I become so unhappy nor you staying because you feel bad because I'm trying so hard. If you really want to go, go with my blessings. I'll hurt, I'll probably emo for a week or a month, but my life will go on. Always will, always has.
Hello bessie; (PS, I want to change your name to Betty. Or Becky.)

It's that time of the year, where everyone will remember that I'm still existing, that I'm still alive (but I'm barely breathing.), that I'm still living my life out even though many people didn't agree I would make it do far. (There was a time, when people said that YJ couldn't make it, but he did.). Yups, I'm talking about that time when I turn a year older, my birthday.

It's kinda customary I think to write down one's birthday wishes, so I shall write down my birthday wish ala my little sister Shahida kotex.

Honestly speaking, I don't really need anything. Whatever I need, I have the... Resources to get it myself so as to speak. Besides, I don't really expect anything from anyone. I've went 7 years without celebrating my birthday with anyone. Everyone is too busy with their own lives to care honestly speaking. I started expecting people to celebrate with me at first, but I gave up hope after people kept disappointing me year after year. Expectations leads to hope, hope to disappointment after all. I've spent the last 3 years spending my birthday sleeping the whole day at home. If I have no plans, might as well spend it sleeping right?

But I seriously digress. I have this bad habit. K... So... If birthday wishes do come true, then I write these wishes down in hopes that it will come true on 28th June 2012...

1) A message from you, my ex. No matter what you say or how you act or how you treat me, I'll never bring myself to hate you. I can't. Who can honestly speaking. All I wish for is that we can be friends again. And of course, I wish nothing but the best for you.

2) I wish someone will send me a card thru snail mail. I know it might seem old fashioned to some, or even antique to those who didn't receive such things before. But there's a certain joy in opening up your letter box and finding a card inside with your name when it's usually just bills bills and more bills. I don't know, maybe I'm just weird. I don't think I'm going to post my address. Later loan sharks come and splash paint how?

3) I really just want to meet my skyians again. They have been an important part of my life since I first started work at Sentosa 2.5 years ago. They taught me so much, and I in turn learned so much from them. They have been my colleagues, my friends and my family. They were the ones who help me thru the darkest period of my life when my mother was sick, they were the ones who supported me when I couldn't even look after myself. They were the ones who made time to come when my grandfather passed away early this year... No matter what has happened between us, they are still my family. And family forgive each other for what they do to each other at that point of time.

4) Actually, why not I just meet up with all my friends, sec, jc, army, ex colleagues and current colleagues. I already know I'm going to get sabo-ed on the 27th since my AM shift suddenly changed to a PM shift... Confirm get sabo one. Can we just do without the sabo-ing, sit down somewhere and catch up with each other's life??

5)... I don't really not what else to wish for. I don't dare to wish for much. In fact, posting this post already shows that I'm expecting it to come true, it's just going to lead to disappointment again... =/ but oh well... I get a birthday wish a year, I always use it for others. And I know I'm going to use it on someone this year again. Because st the end of the day, that's me. I don't mind getting the short end of the stick if my friends are happier for it.

I think that's about it. I shan't write anymore, let's just see what happens in 9 days time.
Dear Bessie,

I recently met or rather, not met, got to know a girl better. I mean better as in more then hi-bye friends. Her name? Elle Khalidah Routh. I hope I got it right this time, if not I'm sure she'll kill me if she ever reads this post.

It's funny really. I mean, I've known who she is for 1 year plus but it's only recently that we started getting close to one another. I say it's funny because when I first saw her, you know, I couldn't stand her and all I wanted to do was give her a tight slap to her face. She was that damn irritating last time. Minah like one minah, k lah, to be honest, she was a bitch. Lol. I'm really going to get beaten up by her if she reads this. BUT I've seen her change from the bitch that she WAS to the woman she is now. She is a constant reminder to me that people can change, not only for the worse, but for the better as well. Honestly, I'm glad that I've met her. I'm sure we've all met that one person who we really wish that we never had the bad luck to meet. But I do believe that it's my good fortune that I managed to meet her. She reminds me of another person whom I known in the past, but I've lost contact with. Not really, but you know, after so time of not talking with someone, even though you might be good friends with them, there's always this awkward moment that you don't know what to talk about.

She... has taught me a lot. I admit, my view on life is very very naive. She has taught me a lot of about life. OH! I KNOW WHO SHE REMINDS ME OF ALREADY! SHE REMINDS ME OF SITI! That's why the name was tugging at my memory. Anyway, I digress. I do believe that after I met her, I've become much much more patient as compared to the past. Very very much more patient. Those who know me in the past and compare me now and then, I'm sure they will say that there's a huge difference. And I have to thank her for that. I've always known that I was impatient, but to have someone fuck me upside down till as stubborn as I am I also just apologize. Hey, when stubborn meets stubborn, the more stubborn will win. Looks like she's more of an ass than me. Stubborn like an arse mah.

I can go on and on and on, but really. I thank God (though I'm a free-thinker) that he/she allowed me to meet someone like her during my lifetime. So thank you God, and thank you to you, Miss Elle Khalidah Routh/ Anico Hans Gummares for teaching me so much about life. You're better than any school. So thanks Baby Girl.

The truth is a beautiful and terrible thing, and should therefore be treated with great caution.

I think we must expect great things from you, after all, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named did great things — terrible, yes, but great none the less.

Harry Potter and the philosopher's stone
So I decided to show my blog address on my Twitter page. Hopefully this doesn't come back and bite me in the arse... Just like last time...

So... Where do I start?? How about the beginning?? It's a very good place to start. When you read you begin with ABC, when you sing you begin with Do Ri Me. Lol.

So first off, my blog is... going to be 6 years old. Started it in J2. Don't even know how long ago that is now. My life is a blur now. I'm just living each day as it comes. Don't have any plans for the future, don't have any career goals. I feel like I'm just wasting my life already everyday... =/ But oh well... Like I said, quarter life crisis.

Anyway, side-track. So why this blog?? No idea. I just think blogger is still much better than tumblr. Sorry all you die hard tumblr freaks. I just think that a blog is for us to express ourselves thru words, not photos. What's the point of that? I rather express myself thru words. But I do know that a picture speaks a thousand words. But I prefer words. But I have a better command of words. I'm not showing off or anything. I do have a better grasp of english, but that's at the expense of my chinese. So everything is fair in this world. My chinese is horrible. Just ask those who work with me.

So... Name of the blog? Why subjectivity? I actually wanted it to be subjective, but it's not that nice. So... Why subjectivity?? Because EVERYTHING, and I do mean EVERYTHING in this world is subjective. Actually... It depends on perception. Because as they say, perception is everything. Even my blog title... =)=

=)= What do you see?? Do you see a smiley face or do you see a frowning face?? I see a human being to be honest. So what is your perception? What do you perceive it to be? My blog title is a reminder to me that everything, even something as simple as a word or a phrase can be viewed differently by different people. Therefore we should never ever judge a person by what he or she has done, I'm sure that they have their own reasons for doing what they did and why. It's just that we don't know the reason why.

So don't jump to conclusions as to why people say the things that they say, or the way that they act. Ask them, talk to them, find out the reason behind their actions. Even then, what right do you have to judge them for what they did? What gives you a right to say that they have no right to do what they are doing/did? If they don't judge you, why do you judge them?

So yup, new readers to my blog, this is what I will post, or something along those lines. Get used to it, or get lost. Lol.
"We have all been changed by our tragedies, no matter how much we have tried, and should try to avert them. No matter what cures we seek, or whom we seek them from. Perhaps there exists a possible benefit when hardship is also accepted as part of human life."

Justice- DC comics

"I have died everyday waiting for you. Darling don't be afraid I have loved you for a thousand years and I love you for a thousand more."

Christina Peri- A thousand years.

Labels: Quote, Song lyrics

Yong Jun
22
Facing Mid-Life crisis. Or Quarter-life crisis
Words don't do me justice. Honestly.


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