wreck.

its been such a long day. i dont wanna bother about anything anymore not punctuation not trainings and end of year camps not common tests or woman in black nor the uncleared tang yuan bowl in front of me
everythings crashing down what a laugh actually nothing is crashing down i just perceive them to be so/ why do things blow out of proportion why do over affected people ask to speak to me in funny places in the school and in warped places online?
despite all that ramble there may or may NOT be wib tomorrow depending on bernice s friend s class. garamond is a good font im seriously going into random sputters now
did she ask you to treat her like a stranger? is she still angry? _nonoNO. cant everything be normal again as long as you behave like it is?
overreaction is a figment of extrapolated imagination.
scratching at gnarled splinters of wood. blood drops flow into the rose petals, making them blush red.

spiral.

spirals are circles that cannot end. circles are moving points that cannot stop. i am the dot.
i shall be adopting a new blog soon, something everyone can read, something that wont remind me of things i dont want to remember, something untruthful.
i mean public diaries dont really exist anyway, unless ure dead sure no one reads it. names have to be masked, characters edited. ah the malleable truth.
there was o-team interviews today, it went well. thank God. tmr there's chocolart. ive to lug home my stick, my pot of salsa (which i proudly produced) , bao's blender, uniform that's sitting in my locker.. and that's bad enough. AND there's econs lect quiz tmr. boo.


-dot.

soup.

you dont me well enough to know im not that spiteful.. can this just end. its getting tiring. im not some crazy psychopath seeking revenge or square blows. just someone on the run.do u get that?

blunt?

i dont want to be mean or anything. it just makes me uncomfortable. call it the withdrawal symptoms. i'm not angry or hateful. hopefully you're over it by now.
maybe this would be as blunt as the other. in a more positive way.

alive and swimming.

achievement of last week: 30 pts for napfa.

achievement for this week: daniel fasted today. -but, i ate around 3 so effectively that's just a late lunch :( not too good. a flawed achievement?
am ploughing thru anna and mister God. lately ive been sleeping real early around 10+ or 11. seems like i dont have the energy to stay up anymore. come 10pm and im babbling nonsense. not like that's something new, but anyhow. today i ended school at 230 =) no training. woot.
conflict of the week: asics $130 comfort or $76 nike aesthetically-pleasing-shoe? which will last longer? the nikes are like half the price of the other. but asics lets me float around in the air or sth..

running back out of the crevice into the void,

you're filled with nothing but u fill everything.

empty terrain for your patient footsteps,

claim me Lord

again to your side.

and the clock ran away with the mouse, hazing over with timeless awe what cannot be counted with numbers.

rambling.

i'm very sick and tired of this template. even though so much work  has gone into it- none of it mine. and this is the rule of the game, the distance you keep will be the closest we'll get. and supply is highly elastic. in the negative direction.  one move= buck away quicker than u can say run. i am demented. may nobody find this blog.

dreaming of the goal.
and shoes. (not nike.)


yesterday was weird.

remember?

it seems like so many people around me are getting depressed. but i'm in no position to help them, even though i want to. i remember my bouts of depression. stuff i wish i couldnt recall. things like these haunt you, dont they? i wonder how long my friendships now will last. how many of these are superficial, and can last. or maybe friendships were not meant to last. they just happened, and during that timespan in which they mattered, if we appreciated them, that was sufficient. if that were the case i wouldnt have to feel so bad abt all my dwindling friendships, persons i used to spend alot of time with, shared laughs, frowns, bloopers with.
 today we had floorball training. i think the only thing i was capable of doing was blocking the ball. and shielding (myself into a tight corner, no where to turn. ) its depressing, not playing well. i do think its the things that are most capable of bringing you joy, that cause you most hurt.
so many things are paradoxical. maybe paradoxes give meaning. like how contrasts complement, and illuminate. there are many i-words for light. iridescent, illuminate, incident..according to Oxford who was sitting on my shelf. onion tears. i thought i was really happy with school and all, and i ought to be. appreciative of the compound, my class, cca, and i am, i think. but sometimes, the full swing of life's hurried meaninglessness bats me in the face. and wham! once more im dizzy, also when im confused im most awake, and most dreading the routine track on which my life train rambles on.


chug.
'are u, one of We?'

chasing them round

today after school, i felt funny not having anything to do, no meeting to rush to, no training to prep for, no tests to mug for... nothing. belle had to go off for third lang, hannah had some council stuff, and there was no one at the hockey table. for once i was stranded and didnt have to, couldnt go to, anywhere. so in the end i joined the class guys for pool.
i regret. should have accepted chethan's invite to play floorball. haha. beat benuel twice, then he thrashed me once. mark sent the black ball into the hole in the first break and won. i was leading mark by two balls but sent the white ball in together with the black and mark won. HOW can people get addicted to such stuff? it's depressing right after the third set, my eyes get dry, chasing the wrong balls all around the table is hardly considered fun, (since they dont go where they're supposed to) and it gets me all stressed and off.
met parents for dinner. hope next friday and the friday after next will be more fruitful, pool-less (unless the girls are around to provide sanity) and hockified. floorballified.
:/ have to design 5 shirts. crazy. faction, acme, entre competition-moving campus shirt (?!), class, floorball.


maddened.

anna in the middle of Mister God.

"people got into the habit of slipping these bits of coloured glass over their inward eye and seeing things according to the colour and label of the glass. this we did, i was given to understand, in order to justify our inner convictions..now Mister God was a bit different from a flower. a flower that didnt want the yellow light was called yellow by us because that was what we saw. you couldnt say the same thing about Mister God. Mister God wanted everything, so he didnt reflect anything back!
Now if Mister God didnt reflect anything back, we couldnt possibly see Him, could we?"

-Mister God, this is Anna.

been reading this book, bernice's book. and it certainly contains very fresh insights and lets us see through anna's eyes to the process of her ponderings, to open up and dissect grains of truth through her explosive individuality.

but while intellectual authority may impress you powerfully, transformation begins only when you claim that piece of intellect. when you chew upon it and make it your own, then you can be in the middle of anna, the middle of God, the middle of life, the middle of joy, the middle of truth, the middle of emptiness.
isnt it funny how life's most complex concepts are illustrated through the simplest of words? humans have multiple, infinite points of view, since each person is entitled to his/her own perspective. but God has infinite viewing points, he is everywhere, all the time, and nowhere where there's darkness. because technically, God shines out in the light. light to God is darkness to us, because of the relative disparity. all the darkness in the world have no power to enshroud the glow of one candle.
loneliness in this world exists with godliness. because no one else sees through the same eyes, but Him who gave you sight.
didnt mean for this to be so rambling and introspective, some may think this is all crap, but it doesnt matter.
dreadingtheconfrontation,thedemiseofambiguity,wheretruthisuncovered,
outburstofdenialdejectiondemarcation,endofdiplomacy.nofalseimpressions.

boxes of gray

woot! just completed my a&c essay. that was due first week of june hols. -accomplished- :D flooorball season starts! hehe. trainings and everything.. and tryouts tmr! funfun. but its weird that the floorball stick (considering its weight and holes) costs more than my hockey stick. bah. hope dad wont complain. ive to pay 100 for jerseys and skirt and stick. :/ maybe i shld release the news sloowly to prevent a fatal shock.
was talking to a friend about booth, about how slack he was. he hasnt returned us our summary since feb, hasnt returned our pw 2nd DRAFT proposal, etcetcetc. then my friend remarked that its quite mean to talk abt him like that. it nv occured to me. what is the definition of gossip? what if its true? but who's to say whats true huh? its true he hasnt marked much.
isnt it so stressful thinking of what's right and what's not all the time, classifying the blatantly gray into boxes of black and white, and cordoning ourselves into restrictive little fences of operation? am i supposed to do that? continually seeking to avoid being judgemental about others, but perpetually making value judgements about what's good or not/
it's getting so tiring.


tmr's schedule:
715am arts fac comm meeting
230pm floorball tryouts (OPEN TO ALL!)
730 ACME meeting

the f-word fudge.

fma baked brownies today! and they were rocking good! hahaa. on our way to professional recognition, i can feel it! muahaha. was voted vice camp commandant for end yr junior camp. wonder if i can cope on top of faction and floorball and pw. God provide! tmr is THE day, gonna meet up with many people, and hopefully, have lots of fun. pls bless the weather.
this is quite a random entry. too tired to garble coherently. oxymoron! new fma proverb: gonna check on the brownies. >excuse for escape from a sticky situation. heh. dropping dead in about 5 seconds. 5..4..3.. bye!
(thermometers frenzy on tuesday- pre-[temperature]check-[thermometer]check. how retarded.)

cram.

life has no meaning anymore. i'm drained out by too many things whirling around my head and scuttling at my feet, tangled round my neck and pulling me along, singularly everywhere.
okay i'm not depressed or demented. just tired. went for blokes just now, have been told that i'm living on borrowed time. more so now than ever, i have a higher responsibility, an advanced plane of standards to live up to, another judge other than myself and the world's eyes. it's all a stage. have realised how many f-words mean fake. fake, for one. then there's farce, facade, front, factitious, feign, then off a tangent into the realm of forge, fraud, fallacy. and by then im swarmed by the effervescing torrent of falsehood. f for felicia.
i am losing it. but i was nv in control of 'it'. God's supposed to be, see, another case of flawed conception. am upset with the systems. the unquestioning methodical procedure of obedience. like a thread wheel loomed out by a sewing machine, stitch by stitch, painful prick, travelling so far, long and hard, and arriving once again, at the end of the tedious prickly trail, at the spot where the first stitch begun.
that kind of meaningless.
dusted stonewalks attest to centuries of sand, wind-blown in excited discovery, finally curdling and hardening, in disparaging acceptance of mindless spirals, into rock. -the hard truth.

.fallible

no longer plebeian.

no more common tests!! woo hoo! talk about liberation, man. (even though it came at a costly price of screwed up math) but ah. little opportunity cost.
today belle and me and adele! went to look for shirin n andi's birthday pressie. it was nice, just the 3 girls catching up. (even though it was supposed to be a class outing) nevermind. we have class man! haha. i suppose even if the class didnt disperse and all the girls came with us, we'd have problems deciding where to go and what to do. cos shopping in large groups always don't work out. but yah, the guys went to play pool (surprise,surprise.) again. but we met up for dinner! which was quite a feat. and they got lost trying to find taka yoshinoya. they seriously need a crash course on 'How To Get Around In Orchard' man. quite sad considering the magnitude of Singapore. but yes, we had a good time, the 8 representatives of the class of ao1b.
hrmp. have this bad sore throat. wohoh my schedule's jam-packed for the next few days!
saturday: floorball training in afternoon, blokes party at church
sunday: church, junior cell (leading), adult cell (listening), baking with sarah and erica!! :D
monday: 10am- outing with 409, 2pm- outing with pre u sem, 6pm- 1b class outing.
tuesday: chocolart recce in little india.
ahahaha. hope i dont like collapse flat on tuesday. til then, peace.