gray.

greyday. Maya Angelou

The day hangs heavy
loose and grey
when you're away.

A crown of thorns
a shirt of hair
is what I wear.

No one knows
my lonely heart
when we're apart.




then it hits me. i've never been so lost before.
i don't know what to do. or think. or believe.

outgrown./

growing up
makes the swirling coloured carousel
pluck up pace
til the colours
and the music
spin off in a gray slur.




and the truth is.

i've outgrown these things.


p.s. sorry if that makes me mean. i dont cant really care.

dream.

he got married.

and i was the one passing them

the important stuff. like the ring.

only it wasnt a ring.

some food basket. ?

i didnt know it was a wedding.

i didnt know it was him.

i wouldn't have went if i did

then i got a message

like nothing ever happened

and i force myself to uncry all my illusions.

romantic illusion is a scary (notion) concept.- no i wont do a cheesy rhyme.-]

then the day fairytale seems to dissolve.

and i chase shreds of a broken damp thing.

that won't fly. the way dreams do on clouds.

and i wake up.

can i ever trust those.

dreams. people. illusions.

keep on lying your way out of here.

i'm afraid of what i will see in you when that smile's gone.

you've got a hold on me

You Remain - Arthur Symons

As a perfume doth remain

In the folds where it hath lain,

So the thought of you, remaining

Deeply folded in my brain,

Will not leave me; all things leave me;

You remain.

Other thoughts may come and go

Other moments I may know,

That shall waft me, in their going

As a breath blown to and fro;

Fragrant memories, fragrant memories

Come and Go.

Only thoughts of you remain

In my heart where they have lain-

Perfumed thoughts of you, remaining

A hid sweetness, in my brain.

Others leave me; all things leave me;

+you remain.

if you miss a void into a hollow a gap into a hole a

dent into a depression

what do i do then? it's missing something deeper. still.

crisismas ):

christmas is so stressful.
endless gifts to buy cards to ponder crap to munch to write to bargain to shop for to arrange
and that makes me feel stupid.
cos it all ends in one day
the day on which Jesus probably wasn't even actually BORN on,
its just symbolic.
and im not focusing on him enough!

and orientation is just eating up the christmas spirit. my school's all green.
and im in there 10 hours a day. that means
half of christmas is lost
the passion
the red
raw fun.

and i still try n understand why this isnt what it should be.

darn the rats

today was so, so much better. God really hears and acts on your behalf. anyway i happen to scare people. some people in church anyway. don't seem to have that kind of effect in school. (darn it.) hah. appearing scary has its benefits. it keeps the flies off your tail. (most, but not all. darn it.) orientation is snowballing now. hope the hype culminates in a bang. not too keen on futile preparations. kayaking tmr! but i carefully conceal that fact to prevent mumsy and dracula sister from dragging me out from the sea. and i changed my blog add, without telling anyone. gives me a new lease of freedom, somehow. maybe i'll give out the add sometime when i feel like it. and when i dont i'l switch again and the inane cycle continues. rat poison kills you.

out.

YOU.

you. why cant you just SEE all the help you're already getting? n stop trying to get more.
you just perpetually slump in this self-pitying trench and try to drag everyone down with you.
i hate that.

and you. can you just STOP asking stupid questions. it's just shallow talk. and it doesn't, won't work on me. im too cynical.

you! .who, me? yeah. just stop trying to analyse everything. n make sense of things. cos nothing fits. get it? n the only thing u can trust in man for is to let you down. so just give it up.

.says the

me that hates

the yous

used me

blew.

absolute.

going The Rock tmr. heh. service is at 7pm but we gotta queue at 5!! its crazy! hrm. but if you're crazy for someone good then its justified right? it just occured to me that if you want to purify something, you cleanse it to become like something else. that you consider desirable. and perfect. and good. and that something else has to be a standard, like an absolute. that's why mao's 4 Old Reforms failed in my opinion. there was no one to be the pole to measure anything by. so if the something else isnt pure, how can the administrators, and the methods be uncontaminated? Mao never took the blame, even after the disasters of great leap or cultural rev. he blamed the lower level officials for not understanding the conditions of the peasants/ people. so in that way even during his 'Self-Criticisms' he diverted blame from himself when he was the source of that pollution.

and thats also why only God can truly purify. he's the only Absolute. the creator of absolutes.

God whispers to us in our pleasures,

speaks to us in our conscience,

but shouts to us in our pains.

it is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.

C.S. Lewis.

.there must be more than this. leave me abandoned to your praise.+

brown

the long awaited camps are concluded. they were beyond imagination. wow. God really hears prayers and ACTS on them. to such a degree you would be astounded. GOD RULES! wrote a report on fbic camp. if you wanna see it, ask. (ask and you will receive) :)

J.C. is in the house.
watched national treasure today. it is quite good. heard alexander sucks. hrms.
found a cool quote:

"All that is gold does not glitter,

Not all those who wander are lost;

The old that is strong does not wither,

Deep roots are not reached by frost." - Aragorn, Lord of the Rings

favourite colour of the moment: brown. bought my esprit sling bag :D its brown.

miscellanous

1. i am going away tomorrow
2. i love lists.
3. the fbic camp is gonna rock. because He reigns.
4. bless the weather.
5. bless our hearts.
6. the next time i will have an opportunity to blog will be the 10th. i am not looking forward to it. cos it means the end of church camps. and the start of school prepns.
7. bless the camp committee.
8. all for YOUR greatest glory.
9. what's the difference between a transcript and a score??
10. i hate jargon.

i think the brief stint at the office brought down my expectations of my future working environment. i never knew a 'small company' could be THAT small. or that ulu. and the working world is driven round by swirls of cigarette smoke. everywhere i walk along keppel road i have to evade embracing consuming claws of smoke that swarm this way and there by the wind. the world doesn't bother about pollution anymore. i bet their minds are smoked through and through. when the Worker's tired, he smokes to relieve stress. when he's happy, he smokes to celebrate. he's downcast and he smokes to forget his troubles. he's bored and he smokes just to do something. it's just a mask.

for goodness sake, the only square inch of airspace that seems to not have enough of that foul gas is that smokers' LUNG.

.when will you realise that?

shoppadeedoodah

+my shopping list.

1. the esprit corduroy sling bag
2. the fox red pullover with my jersey no. on it $39; or
3. the gola pullover thats $46.70 but looks smarter
4. nice sandals like berkenstocks (yet to be found)
5. a camera phone
6. an mp3 player

but technically its not MY shopping list anymore cos i cant afford the stuff on it. so.. i'll probably wait til next christmas. the count down to the camp.
>> 5 DAYS!!

*shiver*.

things, they look more pristine in dusty old footprints, in trailing shadows,

behind that closed door.

.past

burnt edges

too many sides and every edge cuts.
we went to violet1 today and the service is HORRID. beyond horrid. got into an argument with that LadyCruellaBoss. cos they meant to cheat us!! only when we set in that they told us each person HAD to get a drink (one glass of coke costs 5bucks. welcome to the 'Nothing is free and people are out to cut your throats in this World' world.) sometimes i think i'm too critical of people. like i always think any stranger who stops me on the street and asks me qns is mad. (like ytd when this guy asked me where to get 'that bag' in the middle of heeren. it was my 'hockey stick bag'. weird.) and that tattooed hairtailed bleached hair torn pants guy who asked for change for 5 bucks on the bus.. i just totally blew him off. i think it was fear more than anything else. fear that the person's mad (just like i am?)
maybe im too dense with animal courage and lacking of mental courage. like godfrey in silas marner. and i hide it all under the guise of calm nonchalance. no i'm just too afraid. too wary, and too untrusting.

slice.
the side you want to see,
its too sharp.
if it watches you, who you are,
gliding against what it expects of you,
you are gone.

watery.

heylo. am at the office again. hullaballooo. boo. i am chewing on my rockmelon before the air completely dehydrates it. the toilet here is pretty dark. and abit spooky. everything about this place is abit un-singaporish. at least un-the singapore i know-ish. the toilets arent exactly clean, the floortiles look sooty and not sparkly Magiclean-type. i am suffering from town-withdrawal symptoms. would you believe it the whole of this holiday i have not stepped into town more than 3 times. or was it 2 times? i am seriously deprived. back to the spooky toilet. i half-expect someone to pop up from behind the cubicles. but i scare myself. the only one who does any popping is the Cleaning Lady. i've seen her in there a couple of times already. unlike those from my school she does not glare or break out in combustive exclamations of disgruntlement when i step on her newly washed floor. or maybe its because the term 'Cleaning' is highly ironic (not to mention misused). She just waters the floors and hoses down the walls and the toilet bowls until everything in that toilet is a damp, watery, soggy, mashy, water pool. (She would be more aptly named the Watering Lady). i can imagine the sodden black particles floating up with the daily rising flood and dangling there, on the surface, and the water slowly residing into the drains and evaporating and the same sodden black particles sinking back onto the toilet floor. maybe they migrate one whole tile away. but apart from slight discontinuations the toilet floor remains in its more or less fixed cyclical state of cleanliness.

you see when you have nothing to do in a conducive office, you can write about alot of things. next time i can even churn out whole gp essays, or lit P.Cs. OR, you could pay me to write one for you! my business space within an office desk. how cool.

next week church camps start. i'm tremblingly excited, so excited i just want to jump out of this claustrophobia-inducing office cell, away from the sodden grimy toilet floors and obiang coffeeshops and run all the way down to malacca. bad example. so excited i want to < insert cliche >fly away like a bird! So excited i feel like i'm < insert chinese cliche >an ant jumping on a hot wok! OR i can be original and say, i'm so excited.

whats wrong with understating things huh.

oh God, this camp is about YOUR people. its not about programmes, its not about technicalities. you said Seek first the kingdom of God and all these things will be added unto us as well. So i commit the whole camp, its technical aspects, its physical conditions, but most importantly its campers, into your hands. and i know Lord, that nothing i can ever try to do will be as successful as what you plan and accomplish.

Be thick among us Lord.

wohwoh.

wohwoh! strong wind! -yells hoots honks tonks rattles shrieks waves frantically toward uncle allan's car on the highway- riding a high now, just got back from Malaysia (truly Asia). zhonyun (mizzie) amanda (1) amanda (2) and jac (siao eh) and myself had a hootfulluffatime just going crazy and little and childish all over again. not forgetting the guy (sane) counterparts like uncle allan, david, royston & kaifeng..
its been such a sharp reversal from last week (that was waxing gray) that these 2 days have been all colour and music and laughter and God and joy and dance and leaps rolled intoagiantball. like a thousand of Malacca's chicken rice balls lumped together. (chickenriceballs give a new meaning to "chicken rice war" ;p)
i have a feeling all this sounds vague and random- but trying to narrate precisely would cheapen this experience. so im not gonna.
anyway imagination running wild, unkempt and messily entangled (like windblown hair) will paint you a better picture than any i could describe. (thus the loophole of the harry potter movie series) loveyounutcases.
am so totally looking forward to camp. God, thank you!!!
out.

.consuming/fire

There must be more than this

oh breath of God come breathe within

There must be more than this

Spirit of God we wait for you

Fill us anew we pray

consuming Fire

Fan into flame a passion for your name

Spirit of God fall in this place

Lord have ur way with us

Come like a rushing wind

Fill us with power from on high

Now set the captives free

leave us abandoned to your praise

Lord let your glory fall

mirror

empty

did the busyness or the emptiness hollow my life first? now they just seem to coexist.
emptiness invites shallow activity and busyness beckons a mindless empty.

God please empty me of me
and fill me with you.
direct my thoughts.
i want to trust in Your Name,
in Your present goodness
because your plans, unlike mine,
do not fail.

when all things that surround become shadows in the light of you.

this week: wrok in teh mrionngs, tanirig in teh einnevgs & god beweten, thhoruguot, in teh mdidle of erevyihtng.

I am a Leader.

have been meaning to type something earlier than this, but too many things have caught up with me and kept my mind off the computer for about 4 days. Or i have caught up with them. It's hard to focus when i'm busy, and tired, and drained, and animated, and pensive, and dull.
i don't mean focus on God, i mean focus on anything. like being so many things in one moment-
its like a disease.
the most fun i had was yesterday night. at chompchomp with them people. so thank you and you and you and you. other than that.. life's pretty much cluttered by training, by crawling up and down slimy staircases. ( my church youth were karang guni for the weekend, knocking on doors and begging them for their refuse. junk. whatchamacallit. i thought only famous people had precious trash. i thought wrong. )
sometimes i dont wanna care about anything about the phone calls or the messages or the big people or the clothes or the travelling or the office or the reverse hits or the doors. but that's irresponsible. and that's BAD. and i pick up all the little broken pieces, and the leftover crumbs, and bendover backwards to pull everything back into me again (including my mind.soul) with the word RESPONSIBILITY flashing over my head like a chopper sign pulling at my neck, and the weight accumulates like trash from the different floors and it all falls on top of me.
and i drown.

but that's bad too. i dont drown. im not supposed to. i am above the flood, because God is with me. i am not delusional. i just exaggerate.

nothing is as bad as it seems. blogging just blows up everything.

its a happy day, and things are gonna get better.

i am a leader going somewhere,

i just don't know yet.

kenny

in this office where i reside and slowly decompose, there is an uncle we call kenny. he is very given to nervous breakdowns and shuttles and worms and flies in zigzag ( how i imagine all hornets, no, tiny lightflies to blindly bustle )all around the office constantly. he is always busy, too busy with the faxes and the phone calls and the mail couriers and more phone calls (from the customer, the shipper, the foreign forwarder..) too busy to delegate or hand me some ropes. the workload is very uneven in this office. i pop inane bubbles on the comp screen (everyone shld try frozen bubble.) and fiddle with the typewriter and blog, and read wild swans, and check my email, keeping busy to relief me from my busiless-ness. and all this time he still makes devastated whimpering sounds and swarms around the office, chanting 'busybusy..today is bad, BAD day.'
he has no concept of dynamic efficiency. he comments daily that he is too busy, and is almost apologetic that he cant teach me things, too much to do. but he does not realise that this is a daily occurence, and he will never find a day where he will be free-er until the day he does abit more talking to give me some work, until the day he lets me do the faxing and the phone calling. little things like this i can manage, and more. but he does not realise that.
so in the meanwhile i sit here blogging, he bustles around and groans and talks about buddha jumping walls. in chinese.
he is abit like the southpark kenny, that keeps on dying. if he continues in this incessant, perpetual state of nervous anxiety, he will internally combust. but i should not say that. he is a good man.

grays of blue

but if it all falls apart, leave the past black and white and not gray, so i may be certain, perhaps, that you once were.

There's little joy in life for me,
And little terror in the grave;
I've lived the parting hour to see
Of one I would have died to save.
Charlotte Bronte- On the Death of Anne Bronte.

The sea was wet as wet could be,
The sands were dry as dry.
You could not see a cloud, because
No cloud was in the sky:
No birds were flying overhead --
There were no birds to fly.
Lewis Caroll- The Walrus and the Carpenter.

throne of the ignored

went to uncle allan's house for cellgroup today morning. and then to church to pay homage to the queenly regal majesties of the 11am sunday school. (those gritty p6es are coming under my charge nx yr). they're too high and mighty to be bothered about miniscule insignificants like Yours Truly, and did not bother to give a decent look in the eye response to any of my questions.

then we played the impossible game Bible Baffle, even the Church Director couldnt answer the questions. some game. haha. zombified now. gonna sleep. the dual life is killing me off slowly man. work + training.

hello bello.

today

today is the day we had training in the morning is the day of saturday is the day sarah munloh jingo n belle played ps2 at my house is the day we pigged out is the day we stood behind the goalpost like chickens on a firing squad line-up is the day pau took many shots at sarah and almost shaved off our heads is the day i went to youth service is the day God taught me about covenants is the day he is real, just like every other day.

i am cow
hear me moo
i weigh twice as much as yoo
and i look good on a barbeqoo
yoghurt curd cream cheese and butter
from the bottom of my udder
i am cow, i am cow
hear me moo-oo.

today is the day i go mad.

oh, i'll be travelling a life time

school is over, so is pw (never be revived).. am in the office now with nothing to do. occasionally i am given bits of paper to file, and i go to Microsoft Excel and type in a few figures and feel important. i really have precious little to do. and nothing to say to nobody.
still, the most hectic part of my monotonous schedule is the travelling. here's a recount of yesterday's events.
1.Wake up at an unearthly ungodly time of 7am (first day of holiday!!)
2.Parents drop me at the mrt
3.Realise i have forgotten my wallet
4.Cross the road and take the shuttle bus back to my obscure abode
5.Take the shuttle bus out of my obscure abode.
6.Take to Redhill to change to bus 145
7.Miss bus 145.
8.Get on bus and receive sms that match in late afternoon is NOT floorball but hockey match
9.No hockey stick, no shin guards, no attire, no socks..
10.Calls from friends, everyone is disoriented as match is not floorball
11.Borrow hockey everything, was disgruntled that i had to make my way from work to hockey match against giants.
12.Missed call from church mate, called back to hear he already has needed information ohicalledso-and-soalready,justwantedtoconfirmsomething-or-otherthankyouverymuch (cheat my money)
13.Stopped phone business and realised i'm near port which is near office building which is where i'm supposed to be. and got off bus.
14.Wrong busstop.
15.Take cab to office. :(
16.In the office. This is home, truly.
17.Yay, away from office! uncle drive me to Buona Vista
18.Raining cats and dogs and monkeys and donkeys and gorillas.
19.Friends in school, not mrt.
20.Take cab to school. :( wasted3bucksagain.

cabs are evil. they suck money out of you and exploit your vulnerability to weather conditions and give you motion sickness.

i will invent and champion a Teleport Machine!!

if you are there God, i want to believe.
fragile faith

falling for nothing

everything bled off this page into the stupid internal web error pit of a system!! now i gotta retype the sodden bloddy thing. in a dreary depressed mood today. took a walk home instead of the restrictive stifling shuttle bus. walks help to drain the turmoil in my head into the movement of my feet, and somehow, leave the chaos-caked tracks etched into my once-was footprint, trailing behind.
if you stand for nothing, you will fall for anything.
i'm falling on my knees, offering all my needs. Jesus You're all this heart is living for.
crumble. this will all fall down, like everything else that was, this too will pass. like all of the things you said, you cant take back.

now i'm the fool in town.

"When you have come to the edge Of all light that you know And are about to drop off into the darkness Of the unknown, Faith is knowing One of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or You will be taught to fly" patrick overton

"Though my soul may set in darkness, It will rise in perfect light, I have loved the stars too fondly To be fearful of the night" sarah williams

nothing counts toward anything.

if you stand for nothing, you will fall for anything.
i'm standing for too many things with too little time. polygamy is one wife too many. monogamy is the same.-oscar wilde. Art is a lie that makes us realise the truth; at least the truth that we are given to believe.- Pablo Picasso.
i'm falling on my knees, offering all my needs. Jesus you're all this heart is living for.

crumble this will all fall down, like everything else that was, this too will pass. like all of the things you said, you cant take back.

in this dreary and depressed mood today, took a walk home instead of the stupid shuttle bus. walks help to drain off the turmoil in my head into the movement of my feet and somehow, leave the chaos-caked tracks trailing behind my footsteps on the mortar road.

promos

the end has come!! but because it has been looked forward to so much so long, this dilute end seems almost anti-climatic. part of me wants to jump around in glee and relief, and the other part of me just stays down on the ground in case i fall too hard when the relief proves false. [results next week]
oh i am such a pessimistic soul. nah. i shall celebrate.

compensate him.

Compensation.
Ralph Waldo Emerson.

Why should I keep holiday,
When other men have none?
Why but because when these are gay,
I sit and mourn alone.
And why when mirth unseals all tongues
Should mine alone be dumb?
Ah! late I spoke to silent throngs,
And now their hour is come.

weekend. caught between the pre of fear and the post of dread, in sleepless uncertainty.
the ballerina tripped and
fell in
a ballooning
train,
over
pointed crushed toes.

mute but not dumb?

rustic joints

tmr is the math paper. the last paper for this week. presently it feels like hell. gotta do with stupid banners that i have to edit. like stupid shirt designs on stupid paint. (the only graphic editing prog my kok computer operates on) argh. computers are an evil influence. exams are the plot of the evil one. wickedly coy. im sputtering rubbish already.
took a walk around school with jingo ytd. its surprisingly homey. just thinking about how the places around school have a distinct flavour. that just spells us. as in the school. instead of the publicly owned grossly populous junction 8 that will sustain us next year. funny to want to stay for a grimy but much loved ghim moh, for the funny ratty corners in school (we discovered a million discarded chairs, sofas and tables at numerous odd spots in school, during our trail) , for the bamboo garden and the canteen which is washed every wednesday, for the stinky ts with the droning aircons and rusting rotting walls.

and if our always is all that we gave, and we someday take that away, i'll be alright.

death of a friendship

Death of a Friendship- Harry Guest.

I mourn, now that your house contains
such fractured shadows.
This wine you've handed metastes sour.
I joke and you do not laugh.
When you speak, assuming my approval,
I stare into discoloured
depths of my glass, longing
to get away.

Rain drives against your walls.
The few
shrubs you have planted shrink in the cold.
Where there was amity, questions
echo between us.
Tufts of dark
lilac branching from tall vases shed
minute dry flowers like grief
for a lost fragrance, leave
on the smooth piano scattered omens
neither of us can read.

The past is empty of romance,
its summers flecked with heartbreak
and its negatives destroyed-.
But weren't there moments when
the blue sea glittered, when the lithe
curve of a diver forged another
link between wave and cloud?
I wonder, though, in fear
were those young grinning faces always
plague-marred, was the fun a lie,
were dreams we've jettisoned
mere husks about this dirt,
dislike? One fiction may
have replaced another for
wherever I look with you I find,
instead of light, a slyness.

We could not name the truth.
What used to braglies in your cupboard under lock and key.
You care no more
for angels or the underdog,
translating all the terms we used
into intolerance.
Your world
now clusters round
the emulation of the rich.

I can't feel glad about old times
because I am afraid
that what I see here I suspected then
but shunned the knowing.
The tarnish of this has rubbed off on me.
The years we shared look counterfeit.
If so,
more than affection died today.
What hurts perhaps the most
is that in you as in a mirror shows
not only what I could have been
but what I was or am.

the ability of a poem is to speak from the vacuum, what is most absently apt.

lodged in a peopled 20th century

Lodged- Robert Frost.

The rain to the wind said,"You push and I'll pelt.
"They so smote the garden bed
That the flowers actually knelt,
And lay lodged -- though not dead.
I know how the flowers felt.

Five Ways to Kill a Man- Edwin Brock.

There are many cumbersome ways to kill a man.
You can make him carry a plank of wood
To the top of a hill and nail him to it.
To do thisProperly you require a crowd of people
Wearing sandals, a cock that crows, a cloak
To dissect, a sponge, some vinegar and one
Man to hammer the nails home.

Or you can take a length of steel,
Shaped and chased in a traditional way
And attempt to pierce the metal cage he wears.
But for this you need white horses,
English trees, men with bows and arrows,
At least two flags, a prince and a
Castle to hold your banquet in.

Dispensing with nobility, you may, if the wind
Allows, blow gas at him.
But then you need
A mile of mud sliced through with ditches,
Not to mention black boots, bomb craters,
More mud, a plague of rats, a dozen songs
And some round hats made of steel.

In an age of aeroplanes, you may fly
Miles above your victim and dispose of him by
Pressing one small switch.
All you then
Require is an ocean to separate you, two
Systems of government, a nation's scientists,
Several factories, a psychopath and
Land that no one needs for several years.

These are, as I began, cumbersome ways
To kill a man.
Simpler, direct, and much more neat
Is to see that he lives somewhere in the middle
Of the twentieth century, and leave him there.

a homage to the history now reduced to a syllabus, and taught to armless children who were unparented.
Oh, their small bones.

carouse.l

woot. its 2:13 am on my computer clock. just finished a mellim antony & cleopatra essay. they suck the life from me, essays. from us all. promos is in a week and 3 days. its timely for a panic attack, dont u think? but my reaction to such things are always delayed. hmm. i have to study! come on. (trying very hard to psyche myself up here) think of all the things u can do after promos once u do well!!.. heh maybe going abit offtrack here. been studying in school til the evenings. its so much better, i think. than sitting at home and reaching for the fridge or the tv or the computer or the bed or the..everything else. in the canteen, its just the vending machine and occasionally the stalls. good enough. its sir's birthday tmr (: sirthday. ah, we made him a card in the shape of a phone. cos last time in ghim moh he saw our phones, den he looked at his nokia 3310, den he sighed profoundly and dramatically. 'eh. teachers' day coming. get new phone ah.' haha. oh i miss hockey. there're many things that make me sick just thinking about them.. like meetings and explanations and essays. groan. but not cca, at the moment. and the carousel jerk-revolves round and around, like bullets darting off pistols into the screaming metal air.

Heimweh

FAR-OFF the lily-statues stand white-ranked in the garden at home.
Would God they were shattered quickly, the cattle would tread them out in the loam.
I wish the elder trees in flower could suddenly heave, and burst
The walls of the house, and nettles puff out from the hearth at which I was nursed.

It stands so still in the hush composed of trees and inviolate peace,
The home of my fathers, the place that is mine, my fate and my old increase.
And now that the skies are falling, the world is spouting in fountains of dirt,
I would give my soul for the homestead to fall with me, go with me, both in one hurt.

Heimweh, DH Lawrence, ah chaotic inactivity. i like the second verse. move,burst,. implode.!

drift and other things.

hello! this is what auden's tombstone reads: In the prison of his days/ Teach the free man how to praise.
this italics thing is going crazy. only if i italic everything the words appear upright. huh. today's a vague gray vanguard sheet that i need to pencil in. the last part is youth service, but til now and then.. i;m just drifting along. pointlessly?

The roses with the west wind rapping
Are torn away, and a splash
Of red goes down the billowing air.
a lovely excerpt from DH Lawrence's Love Storm. kinda corny title though, i must say.

lit's perfect for this sorta roamy listless feeling.. cos they can put things into words so succinctly, without all the frissles. not that i really experience what they're professing in verse, ah at least they can articulate what i never could if i did.

But when your countenance filled up his line,Then lacked I matter; that enfeebled mine.-86. shakespeare.

double everything

today is thursday and that says everything. thursdays are the days of 4 hours of lit- lecture and 2 double block tutorials for purvis n bachelor both to take the floor and wish for the door. just get the idea we bore them so much they just wanna bolt soon as they step in. esp bachelor. guess the feeling's mutual.. even though.. he's a really nice guy :) its just that we dont answer questions. my class has some dynamics malfunction. like we're afraid of each other. we're afraid to voice our thoughts to purvis cos he's so authoritative n commands so much respect, his standards seem so easy to flout and so out of grasp. n we dont want to say anything stupid. and bachelor asks really basic questions like what is the meaning of undid and noone really wants to answer cos it seems so obvious. pride. n we still dont want to say anything stupid.

he really is disappointed with our class' response (nil) and purvis told 1A: mr bachelor is really pleased with your (1a's) performance! well abt 1B..*dark chuckle* lets not get bitchy here.

to go or not to go? tmr shld i stay in sch to mug or go to bk with the hockers for mushroom swiss double *drool n neoprint *erk. if they want it that bad..
leaping lilacs.

cloth frays but can be mended

mugged today with ahfoo n mun joined us for a while.. she was kinda upset. but the rain blew over and she was all happy again. the power of sms. haha. but while she was there we kept talking n kinda ignored jon.. feel abit bad. den saw the hockey girls at the 2nd level near the hall. aye i dunno, sometimes i feel we get abit too cliquish. and when we make noise together our presence seems too loud, too flamboyant, too in-your-face-offensive. almost. at least we dont resort to any illmeaning gansterism. hm. at least.
sometimes cliques give you so much belonging n just hooking onto the niche of comfort makes u lazy n loathe to find other..uh..hooks. then sometimes the clothing gets dislodged, or the cloth frays, and you're just the odd piece of string sticking out, superficially apparently part of the wholesome clothed idea..but really and privately only hiding in its shadow. sometimes its like that. sometimes im part of the whole woven fabric.
drab grays spill over into the hollow expanse and invade the vacuum.
cant wait for promos to be over. i love life at the moment. i love God.
i want to want to want to love You more each day O Lord.

today is tuesday.

(: waves. today school was decent. there was rolly lecture on ancient russia (okayy not that old but 1890s is old enough.) n math lecture.. (where kong became a soi-disant (failed)joke-teller) n sowden went through our lecture case study test (as usual its more efficient if we all mark it ourselves, n so we did- he has never marked a single one of our test scripts.) had double break and sat in a horseshoe for bloatedbeerbellybooth while grps presented issues on education. then i mugged with jonfoo n was irritated the whole way by dearoldbuddy. *groan. glare. these 3 weeks are gonna be muggertude. where i start revising work dating back to the dusty shelves of the third week of school 2004. pw reports due on fri/mon, interview with tns on wed, sarah's bday on thurs. (: i miss hockey. it has been so long since i grappled with the stick- ive forgotten the reverse hit. uh oh. not good news. am gonna mug econs after this AHHH! dahsyat means terrible according to amii! hannibal i have another reason to skewer you!! blasphemy! oh man. am so gonna CHANGE it!

the discipline of movement

mmm surprisingly i am posting quite regularly these days. today was a good day God is Awesome (: [edit: DAHSYAT means horrible!..? ahh!!] we played ultimate frisbee during pe- good senseless fun even though our class lost every round there was to lose.. ahaha tmr im staying back in school to study. hrmp. and i found a co-ogl! :D thank God quite happy. hopefully this blissful state persists.
i kinda miss bio, and rgs, n home econs, n orientation. [pangs of remembrance] tomorrow is the day to mug. and so is the day after. the recce trip to malacca this sunday is cancelled, for better or worse. :/ went swimming today, cos i was kinda irritated. destress. swam 16 laps. hmm. so on top of the rounds on the track i did with belle [albeit at slowerthansnails'pace. could feel the earth move.] its a pretty decent record (:

ahh the bliss of physical labour- quoteunquote robbered frossed, and its coaxing ability to entangle my mind n lose the feel of my feet. how enchanting. there are many things to forget.


so i remember. ogle

garish

the blood flowers are frozen/ the fields empty and cold. no the children don't grow old, they dont.

the old man coughed spasmically behind me on the bus,
chortling cartfuls of coughs and sputters grinding into the air behind my head
if everything could stop once and end then
i want it to pause at that foolish mistake
so i can always revel
and never have to regret it.

the breeze is the smooth caress of a thousand whispers. blow by me.

fridays pass too quickly

i realise the oldest blog entry on this page and the newest have a 1 month historic cliff between them. ive not mugged enough this week. really feeling the strain now. everyone i talk to ask if i've been mugging this hols pwack. crap. thursday pw followed by outing with girls cell (it was fun!) today went out with kids cell. actually it was leo n nelson n cherie and only 2 kids des n nic. cos the girls played us out! again!! shoot. i was kinda miffed. its not the first time, and they dont have the decency or responsibility to tell us earlier that they cant make it, and when we leave the door they come up with all sorts of excuses and notices that they cant grace us with their prestigious presence. crack. but theyre kids, kids. cant expect too much from them.
clinique simple smells mm mm great. its not overly gaggingly floral nor minty nor colognish. this week has well and truly been a holiday- and guess what? sept hols are not supposed to be holidays. humour me.

replyreply.

found!!

religion is man carrying God. faith is God carrying man.


strength is weakness is strength.
all the maxims. that strangely make sense. today was the first day of youth service saturday service! it rocked. worship really ministered to me.. may it be a sweet sweet sound in Your ear

God is good. Sweet Anointing. Wash me over.

i was lost but now am found. i believe Lord, take away my unbelief. sweep away my cynicism.


When you're down and troubled and you need a helping hand
and nothing, nothing is going right.
Close your eyes and think of meand soon I will be there
to brighten up even your darkest nights.
You just call out my name,and you know whereever I am
I'll come running, oh yeah babyto see you again.
Winter, spring, summer, or fall,all you have to do is call
and I'll be there, yeah, yeah, yeah.You've got a friend.
If the sky above youshould turn dark and full of clouds
and that old north wind should begin to blow
Keep your head together and call my name out loud
and soon I will be knocking upon your door.You just call out my name and you know where ever I am
I'll come running to see you again.
Winter, spring, summer or fall
all you got to do is calland I'll be there, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, ain't it good to know that you've got a friend?
People can be so cold.They'll hurt you and desert you.
Well they'll take your soul if you let them.
Oh yeah, but don't you let them.
cos you've got a friend in me.

riot.

partly due to some skin allergy and largely because of my lethargy i stayed home today. and spent 5 hours doing the stupid time wasting imperialism essay. i love spending time with God. i have been estranged from him for too long, just delving into the worldly world thinking of myself my failures my successes and now.. there's something else to reclaim! the part of me ive lost so long ago. im not sure if i mean what im saying. i wonder how many people feel depressed about the things that clutter up their lives now. n not realise that sometimes clutter is better than void, than empty. saw a video about the poor and desolate in Asia. they dont have money for food. so the infants are fed rice water. in vietnam so many kids have lost their limbs and their parents and their homes, they dont know what life is about except scavenging poisonous decomposing rubbish heaps for things to eat. school is far off from their minds when basic sustenance is a daily battle. so its better to be embroiled by the pressures of school than not to know what school entails, not have any use for abcs, yes. unbelievably so. why am i so pensive? why do i have to keep questioning? so what if im pensive. oh dear. i am confused, arent i?

space does not afford quiet,

and dripping time does not soothe

nothing to calm or cool the riot

to silence the clutter of the scraping chair

to mask the despair of a lone scream.

the stuttering rifle's rapid rattle.

agnore.

this site is severely neglected and in need of repair. corporate funding and response would be greatly appreciated.

we won meridian 29-2 at floorball. sir offered us cranberry bread that he made- good stuff. teacher's day coming up on tues, and we've got all these brilliant pretty tinkering ideas, but there's no time and no one to prepare them i bet. i had a whole day of meetings in church, and its draining me. time for a refill. refuel. all these bits of information are so disjointed and random, but that's what u get when a whole week rushes by you without giving you time to slot all the million activities into individual slots called 'days'. had o-team programmes meeting. thinking up the games would be multimillion dollar fun. my grp consists of kevin marcjo mingkai kayhwee desmond bern shireen. it shld be scrumptious stuff. make me a better person.

everything's falling down too fast, the ground's sinking before time allows it to settle firmly on the ground. a never-sinking clawed feather of chores.

hway-o.

agnore.

arts isn't all about trying

its about winning.

floorball girls got the gold yesterday!! euphoria am really really proud of the arts girls. they came down to train on thursday and their formation on friday was superb, defence was tight with constant covering, passes were accurate and across the court, goals were fantastic. wanted to go out for dinner with them but ytd my dad insisted that i went home immediately cos they got dinner for me already. anyhow, we arranged a lunch date with them- arts floorball team. we so rock! ahaha. not so modest but nvm.
i shall wallop hannah one day. stupid rockclimbing incident i will so kill her. (just kiddin.)
floating around before reality settles in thickly and i have to work through the fog of history and cram it all into 4 essays due next week.

burnt.on a stake?

tee hee went swimming on sunday under the gaudy sun for 5 hours, wanting to reclaim my tan and got more than what i bargained for. i am sunburnt. hurts like crap. yes and i went shopping, bought 2 skirts and a top and mom got me a bag. before i shave off my account i had better stop (after tmr, i will. tmr is shopping day with cherie to get our cell members n friends presents. i've counted 8 prez to settle. oh gosh this is an insurmountable task.) have faction meeting at 1pm in sch after which i'll be meeting cherie at 3, afterwhich i'll join our class at 7pm for dinner. where does homework fit in? no where. and pardon me, sleep fits in now. adieu.

reading Davinci's code. some of it is blasphemous. like constantine. and married Jesus. but most of it is thrilling gripping stuff if i overlook the religious details and untruths in the glaring light of my beliefs. why should i believe a book a single man has written as compared to the bible that has been found by centuries historians and historic archaelogists to be impeccable, and has been written by numerous authors all giving different accounts to the same thread of truth? blasphemy, i call it.

please please

whoopee! the goal the goal the goal!!! floorball training today! i scored! finally! heheh. and i assisted too! yay jubilee this is great i hope the high doesnt die down oh please please dont let this be the last time
'go sleep! dont disturb daryl, the light's too bright' please la. he doesnt even know im at the com, being in deep dead slumber, think he knows the light is on? just one of my sister's bossy bad moods where she thinks shes the queen of the universe with the supreme duty of ordering people around her proud pinkie. retarded. im sitting in this chair and Not budging. prfft.
i got a chocolate today, for being the goalie ytd hehe. so funny. doesnt that give me further incentive to be the goalie? cos a goalie's job is to get whacked by the ball and block the ball/ make a save as a result. and this fella felt sorry (or kind) n gave me dove chocolate today for amends. how weird. (or kind). :/

anyhow, tmr's start of ntl day holiday. hehe. yippee! we be painting the class tmr. but normally after a high of flurry and excitement, the cardboard crumbles in a crash. oh please please let this be a good weekend, good fun with erica sarah and ashley, good fun w adele, gd fun with cherie...with God.
how do u fit into the picture? show me! im sorry for being blasphemous.have i been? groan.

a sonnet

sonnet #31



THY bosom is endearèd with all hearts
Which I by lacking have supposèd dead;
And their reigns love, and all love's loving parts,
And all those friends which I thought burièd.
How many a holy and obsequious tear
Hath dear religious love stol'n from mine eye,
As interest of the dead, which now appear
But things removed that hidden in thee lie!
Thou art the grave where buried love doth live,
Hung with the trophies of my lovers gone,
Who all their parts of me to thee did give;
That due of many now is thine alone.
Their images I loved I vew in thee,
And thou, all they, hast all the all of me.

mirror

i should be glad. there was ifg floorball training today. i tried goal keeping for the first time +glee. finally got round to editing the template. trying to go into black and white now, for simple reasons. wonder who i'll get to work with during orientation. i do think film and photographs take away a part of me. the part of me that doesn't know how the rest of me looks like to the rest of the world. through the captured sequence i get to see me the way others see me, not through a mirror, or a reflection. and that's weird. the way your voice sounds different to yourself as to others. Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to believe.
Laurence J. Peter
Someone's boring me. I think it's me.
Dylan Thomas (1914 - 1953), in Rayner Heppenstall, Four Absentees (1960)
And since you know you cannot see yourself,so well as by reflection, I, your glass,will modestly discover to yourself,that of yourself which you yet know not of.
William Shakespeare

dismirrored.

wreck.

its been such a long day. i dont wanna bother about anything anymore not punctuation not trainings and end of year camps not common tests or woman in black nor the uncleared tang yuan bowl in front of me
everythings crashing down what a laugh actually nothing is crashing down i just perceive them to be so/ why do things blow out of proportion why do over affected people ask to speak to me in funny places in the school and in warped places online?
despite all that ramble there may or may NOT be wib tomorrow depending on bernice s friend s class. garamond is a good font im seriously going into random sputters now
did she ask you to treat her like a stranger? is she still angry? _nonoNO. cant everything be normal again as long as you behave like it is?
overreaction is a figment of extrapolated imagination.
scratching at gnarled splinters of wood. blood drops flow into the rose petals, making them blush red.

spiral.

spirals are circles that cannot end. circles are moving points that cannot stop. i am the dot.
i shall be adopting a new blog soon, something everyone can read, something that wont remind me of things i dont want to remember, something untruthful.
i mean public diaries dont really exist anyway, unless ure dead sure no one reads it. names have to be masked, characters edited. ah the malleable truth.
there was o-team interviews today, it went well. thank God. tmr there's chocolart. ive to lug home my stick, my pot of salsa (which i proudly produced) , bao's blender, uniform that's sitting in my locker.. and that's bad enough. AND there's econs lect quiz tmr. boo.


-dot.

soup.

you dont me well enough to know im not that spiteful.. can this just end. its getting tiring. im not some crazy psychopath seeking revenge or square blows. just someone on the run.do u get that?

blunt?

i dont want to be mean or anything. it just makes me uncomfortable. call it the withdrawal symptoms. i'm not angry or hateful. hopefully you're over it by now.
maybe this would be as blunt as the other. in a more positive way.

alive and swimming.

achievement of last week: 30 pts for napfa.

achievement for this week: daniel fasted today. -but, i ate around 3 so effectively that's just a late lunch :( not too good. a flawed achievement?
am ploughing thru anna and mister God. lately ive been sleeping real early around 10+ or 11. seems like i dont have the energy to stay up anymore. come 10pm and im babbling nonsense. not like that's something new, but anyhow. today i ended school at 230 =) no training. woot.
conflict of the week: asics $130 comfort or $76 nike aesthetically-pleasing-shoe? which will last longer? the nikes are like half the price of the other. but asics lets me float around in the air or sth..

running back out of the crevice into the void,

you're filled with nothing but u fill everything.

empty terrain for your patient footsteps,

claim me Lord

again to your side.

and the clock ran away with the mouse, hazing over with timeless awe what cannot be counted with numbers.

rambling.

i'm very sick and tired of this template. even though so much work  has gone into it- none of it mine. and this is the rule of the game, the distance you keep will be the closest we'll get. and supply is highly elastic. in the negative direction.  one move= buck away quicker than u can say run. i am demented. may nobody find this blog.

dreaming of the goal.
and shoes. (not nike.)


yesterday was weird.

remember?

it seems like so many people around me are getting depressed. but i'm in no position to help them, even though i want to. i remember my bouts of depression. stuff i wish i couldnt recall. things like these haunt you, dont they? i wonder how long my friendships now will last. how many of these are superficial, and can last. or maybe friendships were not meant to last. they just happened, and during that timespan in which they mattered, if we appreciated them, that was sufficient. if that were the case i wouldnt have to feel so bad abt all my dwindling friendships, persons i used to spend alot of time with, shared laughs, frowns, bloopers with.
 today we had floorball training. i think the only thing i was capable of doing was blocking the ball. and shielding (myself into a tight corner, no where to turn. ) its depressing, not playing well. i do think its the things that are most capable of bringing you joy, that cause you most hurt.
so many things are paradoxical. maybe paradoxes give meaning. like how contrasts complement, and illuminate. there are many i-words for light. iridescent, illuminate, incident..according to Oxford who was sitting on my shelf. onion tears. i thought i was really happy with school and all, and i ought to be. appreciative of the compound, my class, cca, and i am, i think. but sometimes, the full swing of life's hurried meaninglessness bats me in the face. and wham! once more im dizzy, also when im confused im most awake, and most dreading the routine track on which my life train rambles on.


chug.
'are u, one of We?'

chasing them round

today after school, i felt funny not having anything to do, no meeting to rush to, no training to prep for, no tests to mug for... nothing. belle had to go off for third lang, hannah had some council stuff, and there was no one at the hockey table. for once i was stranded and didnt have to, couldnt go to, anywhere. so in the end i joined the class guys for pool.
i regret. should have accepted chethan's invite to play floorball. haha. beat benuel twice, then he thrashed me once. mark sent the black ball into the hole in the first break and won. i was leading mark by two balls but sent the white ball in together with the black and mark won. HOW can people get addicted to such stuff? it's depressing right after the third set, my eyes get dry, chasing the wrong balls all around the table is hardly considered fun, (since they dont go where they're supposed to) and it gets me all stressed and off.
met parents for dinner. hope next friday and the friday after next will be more fruitful, pool-less (unless the girls are around to provide sanity) and hockified. floorballified.
:/ have to design 5 shirts. crazy. faction, acme, entre competition-moving campus shirt (?!), class, floorball.


maddened.

anna in the middle of Mister God.

"people got into the habit of slipping these bits of coloured glass over their inward eye and seeing things according to the colour and label of the glass. this we did, i was given to understand, in order to justify our inner convictions..now Mister God was a bit different from a flower. a flower that didnt want the yellow light was called yellow by us because that was what we saw. you couldnt say the same thing about Mister God. Mister God wanted everything, so he didnt reflect anything back!
Now if Mister God didnt reflect anything back, we couldnt possibly see Him, could we?"

-Mister God, this is Anna.

been reading this book, bernice's book. and it certainly contains very fresh insights and lets us see through anna's eyes to the process of her ponderings, to open up and dissect grains of truth through her explosive individuality.

but while intellectual authority may impress you powerfully, transformation begins only when you claim that piece of intellect. when you chew upon it and make it your own, then you can be in the middle of anna, the middle of God, the middle of life, the middle of joy, the middle of truth, the middle of emptiness.
isnt it funny how life's most complex concepts are illustrated through the simplest of words? humans have multiple, infinite points of view, since each person is entitled to his/her own perspective. but God has infinite viewing points, he is everywhere, all the time, and nowhere where there's darkness. because technically, God shines out in the light. light to God is darkness to us, because of the relative disparity. all the darkness in the world have no power to enshroud the glow of one candle.
loneliness in this world exists with godliness. because no one else sees through the same eyes, but Him who gave you sight.
didnt mean for this to be so rambling and introspective, some may think this is all crap, but it doesnt matter.
dreadingtheconfrontation,thedemiseofambiguity,wheretruthisuncovered,
outburstofdenialdejectiondemarcation,endofdiplomacy.nofalseimpressions.

boxes of gray

woot! just completed my a&c essay. that was due first week of june hols. -accomplished- :D flooorball season starts! hehe. trainings and everything.. and tryouts tmr! funfun. but its weird that the floorball stick (considering its weight and holes) costs more than my hockey stick. bah. hope dad wont complain. ive to pay 100 for jerseys and skirt and stick. :/ maybe i shld release the news sloowly to prevent a fatal shock.
was talking to a friend about booth, about how slack he was. he hasnt returned us our summary since feb, hasnt returned our pw 2nd DRAFT proposal, etcetcetc. then my friend remarked that its quite mean to talk abt him like that. it nv occured to me. what is the definition of gossip? what if its true? but who's to say whats true huh? its true he hasnt marked much.
isnt it so stressful thinking of what's right and what's not all the time, classifying the blatantly gray into boxes of black and white, and cordoning ourselves into restrictive little fences of operation? am i supposed to do that? continually seeking to avoid being judgemental about others, but perpetually making value judgements about what's good or not/
it's getting so tiring.


tmr's schedule:
715am arts fac comm meeting
230pm floorball tryouts (OPEN TO ALL!)
730 ACME meeting

the f-word fudge.

fma baked brownies today! and they were rocking good! hahaa. on our way to professional recognition, i can feel it! muahaha. was voted vice camp commandant for end yr junior camp. wonder if i can cope on top of faction and floorball and pw. God provide! tmr is THE day, gonna meet up with many people, and hopefully, have lots of fun. pls bless the weather.
this is quite a random entry. too tired to garble coherently. oxymoron! new fma proverb: gonna check on the brownies. >excuse for escape from a sticky situation. heh. dropping dead in about 5 seconds. 5..4..3.. bye!
(thermometers frenzy on tuesday- pre-[temperature]check-[thermometer]check. how retarded.)

cram.

life has no meaning anymore. i'm drained out by too many things whirling around my head and scuttling at my feet, tangled round my neck and pulling me along, singularly everywhere.
okay i'm not depressed or demented. just tired. went for blokes just now, have been told that i'm living on borrowed time. more so now than ever, i have a higher responsibility, an advanced plane of standards to live up to, another judge other than myself and the world's eyes. it's all a stage. have realised how many f-words mean fake. fake, for one. then there's farce, facade, front, factitious, feign, then off a tangent into the realm of forge, fraud, fallacy. and by then im swarmed by the effervescing torrent of falsehood. f for felicia.
i am losing it. but i was nv in control of 'it'. God's supposed to be, see, another case of flawed conception. am upset with the systems. the unquestioning methodical procedure of obedience. like a thread wheel loomed out by a sewing machine, stitch by stitch, painful prick, travelling so far, long and hard, and arriving once again, at the end of the tedious prickly trail, at the spot where the first stitch begun.
that kind of meaningless.
dusted stonewalks attest to centuries of sand, wind-blown in excited discovery, finally curdling and hardening, in disparaging acceptance of mindless spirals, into rock. -the hard truth.

.fallible

no longer plebeian.

no more common tests!! woo hoo! talk about liberation, man. (even though it came at a costly price of screwed up math) but ah. little opportunity cost.
today belle and me and adele! went to look for shirin n andi's birthday pressie. it was nice, just the 3 girls catching up. (even though it was supposed to be a class outing) nevermind. we have class man! haha. i suppose even if the class didnt disperse and all the girls came with us, we'd have problems deciding where to go and what to do. cos shopping in large groups always don't work out. but yah, the guys went to play pool (surprise,surprise.) again. but we met up for dinner! which was quite a feat. and they got lost trying to find taka yoshinoya. they seriously need a crash course on 'How To Get Around In Orchard' man. quite sad considering the magnitude of Singapore. but yes, we had a good time, the 8 representatives of the class of ao1b.
hrmp. have this bad sore throat. wohoh my schedule's jam-packed for the next few days!
saturday: floorball training in afternoon, blokes party at church
sunday: church, junior cell (leading), adult cell (listening), baking with sarah and erica!! :D
monday: 10am- outing with 409, 2pm- outing with pre u sem, 6pm- 1b class outing.
tuesday: chocolart recce in little india.
ahahaha. hope i dont like collapse flat on tuesday. til then, peace.

much ado about nothing

last saturday i was sitting in the hall and commenting to my brother that there was this weird smell drifting around..like something really salty. he said it was my neighbour's cooking. upstairs neighbour? i said: yah..probably. some really salty soup or something.

mum came home late after Jesus encounter overnight seminar...
'WAH! why you all never clear this steamboat pot? so many days already! yucks, see mould growing already! so smelly, yucks!'

hmm. guess it wasn't my neighbour's soup.

p.s today this lit teacher mrs perry told me 'you moron. u ought to lose your scholarship immediately :D' in a joking way. and i almost agree with her. i foolishly continued the 2nd pg of my silasmarner essay on the back of the 2nd pg of my antony&cleopatra essay. brilliant huh. :P prrft.

it's youth day next monday! i love youth day and children day and absolutelyravingecstatically .love. christmas!! cant wait for it to come. not the buying presents part or receiving presents for that matter, just the sentimental value i suppose. silly me.

plebeians take commons.

ohhh boy. history today very nearly dragged me into being a part of it. my brain juices are spilt dry! :| and guess what...
there's econs tmr.. my new challenger. okay im going nutty already cant u tell?
WHY CANT 17 meet on the 5th!! its a HOLIDAY! prRft! hehe. miss them lots
oh yeah... you know i had this dream, and amiirah was innit!
yesterday i think. it was this camp setting, and someone took my shoes and dumped them at this funny place muddy and dirty and without shoe laces. weird huh?
(maybe i was thinking of the pre u sem game where we formed the longest rope using shoe laces.)
(...maybe im just stressed)
(i got white hair! horror.)
waaahh. holiday withdrawal symptoms. haha. and i went for the linkin park concert the other day! it was quite cool and i wasnt a linkin park fan when i went but now.. well.. i'm a bit reformed. heh.
..okay have hogged computer for quite a long while and econs is waiting to bite my head off like harry potter's Book About Monsters.
...til(if) i see you again. taa.

toomanythingstodooo

had a lot of fun today! but presence of the CAs lurking 6 days away is sickening and evil. i can feel it riding up my neck. beCAUSE, i have not touched my books. they are stuffed in some obscure corner of my table under MOUNDS of paper and paper and paper.(onion!) yes back to the pt, i had fun with the arts fac com! :D really think we're such a fantastic team we clicked so well and so quickly! how unlike the other facs tsk. we're small enough to be chummy and serious without being too business like, and we're full of nice people that makes meetings so fun. okay im not really modest. at least im honest.
today the girls were gossiping about tallso-n-so, am glad others agree with me. will try in future not to gossip. i respect pple who dont gossip so i figured its important to act out what i believe so that i can respect myself. alright i shant go all moral and holierthanthou. :|
btw, was elected vice arts fac capt today. will try to do a good job, working with bern n the rest shld be fun :) it already is! ladidum. linkin park tomorrow! (another reason im not touching my books) update enough. now must flee to assuage my conscience n do sth productive, like math or some crap like that. how ironic.

...

the holidays are coming to an end!
and i have accomplished nothing. i started out with nothing and now i still have most of it, just less time.
funny how groups bond so quickly, go thru a high den afterward crumble and fade off into silent stagnation. does that suggest we bond for the sake of functionality? so we measure our friendships by how long they last, how long we keep talking.? that hardly stretches.
euro 2004. i used to hate football. funny thing is hockey made me like football. a little more. and i dont watch for the good looks honestly. there's more important things than that. and that's quite blatant so i wont mention it. heh./

whywhywhy. frazzledconcertsngarbledoutingsshrektiesjealousycoughignorealone.y.

caampp!!

the first week of june i went to kl and went mad shopping. reached home at 1am n den went for camp the next afternoon. yesterday we broke camp n today morning i rushed down to floorball training! haha/ its pretty crazy.
but i kinda miss my group.. c17. the people are generally really sincere and warm
its no wonder they diss rj students because it is true that warm people are rarer around here. this has been a real eye-opener, mixing with all these folks from all over.
we played pepsi cola n hand slapping n drunken elephant n bluff and all those silly childhood games. and had so much fun. (if yu're rolling your eyes or being cynical u know u've been indoctrinated by society to be cold, evil and heartless)okay im kidding.
yeah and i met up with a few of my classmates during the camp..
aye this blog is quite restrictive. im afraid to say stuff in case some bloke chances upon this and sees it. thats why paper and pen diaries are so much nicer.

miss seventeen. danielchan.danielleong.tecksoon.karen.nora.amiirah.rachel.adeline.priya.meijian.sherman. sufyan.madhuri.chris.shiyuan.penny.fidodido.felicia.sanjna.haresh.
love u all! :D must have outing soon.

p/s. hows penny doing?

today's an even weirder day.
went for 3.5k run in the morning :) beams proudly. woke at 8+ specially for it.
had math in the morning. was 5 min late and met shirin on the way who wanted to change her shoes for math class. :\ haha she is a funny person. okay in a bid to widen my vocabulary. she is eccentric. *looks around..hope she isnt reading this*
had the nastiest mozzy bite. it made my wrist swell or sth, its still here red as ever now and itching like hell.

feel like im on a run.
i do wonder if i'm in a isolated jail cell what would it take to keep me sane? would i be closer to God or more estranged from Him? imagine a world with no day nor night, a plastic cell with artificial light, lost in a cube of gray with not a slightest speck of colour. reminds me of the time i was watching the old tape titled 'the story of english'. the video quality was really poor. n they were filming a countryside..so everything was drab green-grey.after a while i felt like the gray was swallowing any (feigned) interest. felt real sick.
back to the point.. i think i could go crazy. everyone has a capacity to go mad, dont you think? times when u just have the urge to do something out of the blue, say something with no regard to what people would think.

here's a nice meaningful quote:
i prefer darkness. because in the dark you get to describe yourself, while in the day others describe you.

[run.]

twentyninthmay.

today is a special kind of funny day. the morning was spent in nus with andi, benuel, booth, tsz san and daniel. a pre u seminar rehearsal. need i say more. poor andi was scolded by booth quite badly cos she was late.. hope her tournament went well. anyhow booth was probably suffering from a mid-life crisis. most of his triggers to anger were due to personal reasons 1. had to say sorry to adults 2. late for RP meeting 3. postpone outing with daughter 4. had to wait.
then we went back to buona vista (cos thats the only civilised plc 95 takes us) and decided to head to clementi for a snack. after which, i stupidly moved backward into buona vista again, to school, for a faction meeting.
meeting went fine, i think the arts faction is filled with nice people. yah what happened after was doubly fine. :D managed to get amogh n pam n dex to go watch shrek with us (the pathetic og outing had dwindled down to grand total=4) met benchen n mingyong..off to shrek!
the movie rocks!! laughed my head off. animation flicks like that kinda unwind you.
then met parents at j8 for..grocery shopping. the liberty market there stocks Annabelle's Big Hunk! the choc belle was zipping all arnd town to find. funny how things come to you when u're not in the least seeking.
ooh cant wait for kl to come! shopping spreee! away from evil Bs and the like.
taa.