Neither male nor female

I know I haven't blogged for a long long time, so I guess it's about time I do so. :)

I'm quite surprised that the post on 'There is no gender in heaven' has received the highest views all this while and has by far outnumbered the number of views of my other posts. Looks like this is a hot topic for Christians and non-Christians all over the world. I have also received a lot of comments on this that I don't receive for any of my other posts.

I would like to clarify that I am not a Bible scholar, so this topic is totally up to debate. But there are a few basis of why I have written what I have written.

Let me give you an extreme example. (Please highlight extreme.) Say you are outreaching to people who are very different from you and the Lord opens up doors for you to reach out to transgendered people, and they received Jesus into their lives. Of course they have fully repented from all of this and we know that God has already forgiven them, they have been translated from the domain of darkness into the Kingdom of the Most High God. However, they have already made physical changes to their bodies and there's no way to reverse it. So how now? If really during rapture we believe that our bodies will be perfected, what does that really mean? Or when we go to heaven our bodies will be perfected, what does it really mean?

Galatians 3:26-29 says: "For you are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus. For as many of you as were baptised into Christ have put on Christ. There is neither Jews nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus. And if you are Christ's, then you are Abraham's seed, and heirs according to the promise."

I may be wrong and you might even say that I take this Scripture out of context, but I believe this is talking about the Kingdom of God. By the way the Kingdom of God is not heaven; it is the manifestation and the expression of the power of God; yet obviously there is manifestation and expression of the power of God in heaven. So then, in the Kingdom of God, there is neither male nor female. We are all one in Christ Jesus.

Go figure. And I hope my babbles made sense to some of you.

The Renewal Journey

There are times when you know God has started working something in your life, and you're in a place of surrender, you're in a place of just allowing, and you thought it's all working out fine, until... you realised there's so much more to it and you've only taken the smallest step in a long journey.

Talk about the renewal of mind. Just when you thought you've grasped some truths and began to work it out, you realise you don't know anything at all...

I have been drawing some parallels between the Kingdom and working life. I am in a very interesting phase of life, and time is passing by so fast there isn't really time for me to understand and analyse everything, let alone making a summary of it. If you have ever been in an environment of grace and empowering in the world, you will be able to appreciate it; and not just appreciate, but hanging on to it unwaveringly, never letting go, never giving up, no matter what. And you'd perhaps make a pledge to say you will stick on no matter what happens, no matter how the future will turn out to be; you will defend it, protect it, perpetuate it.

But then it takes you by surprise that you aren't able to catch up. You aren't able to live out the Kingdom that you've supposed to have learned and grasped, and you start questioning yourself whether you have really understood what Kingdom mindset is all about, you start doubting if you are ever gracious to yourself, you start searching for that bit within yourself that supposedly has embedded the culture of honour... God always brings you to an end of yourself so that He can be at the starting line with you again. He messes up with what you thought you knew and tells you there's so much more. And He brings you to a place of realisation that "God, You are greater still. Ultimately, it is all about You. It's You I'll seek..."

Come fill this void in me with Your glory. I thirst and hunger for You, O Lord.

Too Long

Yes, I know I haven't blogged for a looooong time. Too many things happened at the same time. Too many GOOOD things, to be precise. I'm sorry I can't share it here because they are too precious to be squandered. Let's just say the Lord is ALWAYS GOOD and He is sovereign, ruling over every disaster, every calamity, every situation, even the smallest matters that bothers your heart. Just let Him do that work He wants in your life -- setting you free from the old, renewing your mind and heart to reflect the Father's, and empowered to do His will so that His kingdom will come on earth.

I certainly hope to share more, perhaps next time I won't be lost for words when I encounter His awesomeness. But then again, when will that ever happen? XD

Love You so much, Jesus! <3

There's no cheese cake

After all that's been said and done, it has to come down to this.
And you and I know it very well.
If it's going to be everything or nothing at all,
then the only choice I can make is nothing at all.
There's no cheese cake.
Because I'm not a piece of cake that you can eat.
If there's one thing that I can ask of you,
would you open your heart and open up my gift for you?
If you'd hear His voice speaking to you, don't harden your heart.
I hope you're reading this, because only you will understand.
Remember, I think the best of you.

New Year's Eve

It's the last day of the year, 5 hours and counting and it will be over. I should have written this a few days, or even a few weeks ago, but well, at least I still have one last post for 2010.

I thought I would be celebrating the coming of 2011 with all joy and anticipation; part of me still wants to, but there has been a lot of happenings lately that made me want to hold on to 2010 even more. December always passes with doubled speed -- both in a good and bad way. And 2010, well, it's been a fast-slow year, if you know what I mean. I look back and I want to say I have no regrets. Or at least at this moment I'm not regretful of anything. Achievements, aplenty; setbacks, bound to be there; but what's more important and will always be is the promise that God is there through it all.

There are things that happened recently that I can't write it here, but suffice it to say that it totally challenged and revolutionised my perspective about many things. Okay, maybe I'm not at the point of being revolutionised yet, but challenged, definitely. How challenged? Well, when all that you know and all that you're passionate about and all that you believe in becomes irrelevant to the people around you and to the world. When it dawns upon you that what you've been doing and the cause you've been fighting for doesn't mean anything to the people that you're fighting for. When you begin to realise that you're a wretched self-righteous hypocrite who can't represent the Saviour you love. When you look at Jesus' life and you desperately ask Him, "Lord, how did you do it? How will I ever reach there?" When you looked at the people around you and you realised you're equally in need of the love of Jesus, but you're still snobbishly living in denial, thinking that you're 'holier than thou'. This is how I defined 'challenged'.

I guess when I wrote the post on Christianity is controversial, this is what I really mean. I guess it now gives me a new meaning, or more like, a new question, a new quest to overcome. Jesus said that we will do the things that He did, and greater things than these we will do. But Lord, may you give us the grace to do them, because we can't do it by ourselves, we are nothing.

I've never written a new year resolution or thought of it as early as this time. I have written it at the beginning of the month, and almost forgotten about it, but I know what I wanted to do at heart. I knew that greater things are going to come, but I need to be ready for them; my heart needs to be ready. Yet, at this point, being 'challenged', I have much to lay down, plentiful to crucify and emotions to reconcile. And I don't know how, only that Lord, I need You.

If I get to make a New Year's wish, or if there was ever such a thing, it would be to have Your assurance that You are with me, and You will guide me to do the right things, say the right words, make the right decisions. Would You show me more? I need desperately You, Jesus...

And Lord, 2011 is for You, Your glory, Your Honour, Your praise. I love You.

It is Good

There was a king who had a loyal servant. This servant was an optimistic person and in all things, he always said, "It is good!", no matter what it was.

The king was one who loved hunting. One day, he and the servant went out hunting in the forest. They went deep into the wood searching for dear. The servant loaded a gun and handed it to the kind, but alas he loaded it wrong and when the kind fired it, his thumb was blown off.

"It is good!" exclaimed the servant.

The king was bleeding and furious. "How can you say this is good? This is obviously horrible!" he screamed at him. He was so furious that he put the servant into jail.

Some time later the king went hunting again, this time by himself. In his journey, he encountered cannibals who captured him and took him to their village. They bound him and was preparing him as their supper. But as they came near to set fire to the wood, they noticed that the king was missing a thumb. Being superstitious, they never ate anyone who was less than whole. So they untied the king and sent him on his way.

Full of remorse the king rushed to the prison to release his servant.

"You were right, it was good," said the king.

And the king told his servant how the missing thumb had saved his life and added, "I feel so sad that I locked you in jail. That was such a bad thing to do."

"No! It is good!" responded his servant.

"How could that be good? I did a terrible thing to you while I owe you my life."

"It is good," said his servant, "because if I wasn't in jail I would have been hunting with you, and the cannibals would have killed me instead."

Quarter of a Century

Yes, I know I should have posted this about a week ago, but still, late is better than nothing.

I'm delighted with the all the well wishes and blessings given by my friends, the surprise celebration after cell group, the after-church supper, and the Friday night dinner. I'm thankful of my parents who brought me up and raised me to who I am today. I'm truly grateful of all the lovely people around me. But most of all, I'm thankful and grateful to God for life. Thank you.

Life is beautiful. I've lived a quarter of a century and am able to testify of it. Sure, there are ups and downs every moment and every phase of our lives, but still, life is truly beautiful when you're able to appreciate the beauty of the Lord who created you.

Any special thoughts for being 25? Well, only that I'm wishing to move on to the next phase of life. Of course, obviously, life is not just about getting to the next phase, but the growing itself, growing more and more mature, growing more and more in spiritual understanding. But I know God is interested in all aspects of my life. And this, I surrender to Him.

I realised that at different stages of our lives, we have different groups of people around us. And until a point, some people will be less in contact with you, and from there getting lesser and lesser. Maybe even some relationships that you need to give up and move on. There may not be any reasons to giving up some relationships, only that times and seasons have changed and both parties have taken different paths and made different choices in life.

There are some relationships that you'll always have around you. There are some relationships that you've got to let go because it will not bring any result. There are relationships that will grow and blossom. There are relationships that will fade away through time, and when you meet them again you're loss at words. But God is the only one that will remain the same forever.

Life is beautiful. I'll move on beautifully, like a butterfly and flutters gently from one flower to another. I'll mount up with wings like eagle and soar higher. I'll behold the rising and setting sun, and know that You have appointed times and seasons, numbered them, yes, but each for me to enjoy, together in Your glorious presence.

*

My company pays us for a present for our birthday, so I went hunting for a dress for Christmas during the weekend, with a certain budget. I went to a few places, but I didn't find what I wanted until I went further away. I drove there with in mind of getting the dress within 2-3 hours' time. I don't like shopping when I have something specific to hunt for without a specific knowing of where to get it; I don't enjoy hopping from shop to shop and looking through many colours and styles but not finding what I want. I have a very low stamina for shopping. (Not sure if that's something normal, me being a girl...)

So I prayed and told God, "please tell me where to get this dress. I don't even have any idea how it should look like, but I want to have a belt that goes with it." And I went hunting for the dress. I reached the mall at 5.45pm, and I walked for a long time without seeing anything that was close to the little idea I had in mind. I was getting very tired and discouraged when I went into this shop and saw the blue dress. It fitted nicely, and I chose a black belt to go with it. I calculated the price of both and it was exactly to my budget! Praise God! It was around 7.50pm when I paid of the dress and belt. Two full hours of shopping, and I got what I wanted. XD

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Shall keep posting...

万事都互相效力 All Things Work Out for Good

有时候很想对一些事情作出发表，可是想了想，还是沉默比较好。不是因为没有主见或是不敢做声，而是因为上帝自由安排。很多时候在我们生命里，或是身边的人身上发生了一些事情我们都无能为力，都是因为我们感到无助、无奈，所以很丧气，甚至连祷告都没有心机。就算我们身为上帝的儿女拥有祂赐的权柄和恩膏，如果我们无法掌控自己的情绪，把心静下来，我们就不能索取上帝的应许来应付生活上的挑战。

今天公司里发生了一些令大家都觉得人神共愤的事情。不会在这里详细的讲述，只是想提点自己，要仰望上帝。虽然事情不是发生在我身上，可是事情演变成今天的局势，我都只是在抱怨、猜测、感到恐惧、觉得无奈无助、想放弃、无法继续走下去前方的路。过后当心静下来时，才领悟到我是应该把神的爱散播给每个人的那位，我是祈祷大使，是众人的希望，是那位真正能照亮这世界的人，不是因为我有些什么能力，只是因为我是上帝的儿女，上帝差遣了我，把使命交给了我。

顿时感到自己很没用，因为反而是同僚们来安慰我，激励我。我只能跟自己说，下次做好一点；跟上帝说，我很需要袮；跟同事说，对不起，我没办法帮到你，可是我会为你祷告。

虽然环境没有改善，事情没有转机，祈求的事项还没有实现，可是我心里坚信一切掌控在上帝手中，祂会带来改变，塑造我们的环境和身边的人。罗马书8章25-28节也说到：但我们若盼望那所不见的，就必忍耐等候。况且我们的软弱有圣灵帮助，我们本不晓得当怎样祷告，只是圣灵亲自用说不出来的叹息替我们祷告。鉴察人心的，晓得圣灵的意思，因为圣灵照着神的旨意替圣徒祈求。我们晓得万事都互相效力，叫爱神的人得益处，就是按他旨意被召的人。

很多时候我们都不知道该怎么做，不知道面对这些问题该怎么回应。上帝，袮来教导我、指引我吧。告诉我下一步该怎么走。保护我，让我靠着袮的恩典活出这美丽人生，因为生命因爱而动听。

Passion

 Picture taken from gettyimages.com

We watched The Passion of the Christ in church twice this week. I've lost count of the number of times I've watched this movie, but I know that every time I watched it again, the Lord spoke something deeper into my spirit, awakening it, reminding me, enlightening me with new revelations, assuring me of His love and giving me a greater understanding of His sacrifice.

This is the first time that I didn't shed a single tear. I still felt the excruciating pain when they whipped Jesus and nailed Him on the cross, but I also received a revelation from there. It's not just about treasuring my salvation and the life that Jesus has bought back for me by His body and blood, but the crucifixion itself, and the process of it all, and all that the Roman soldiers and religious authority did to Him was prophesied hundreds of years before He was born... it's such a significant turning point for all mankind.

I understood grace even more now. Who am I that He, the King and Lord of all, would give His life for me, suffer and die for me, just so that I would be made whole and complete and well again, just so that I would be able to have an abundant life. Not because I deserve it, but because I am wretched and I need Him. Amazing grace. Amazing love.

Passion is sacrifice. It's not just a deep love for something, but an act upon your love, that you will not hold back anything just to get to it, just to achieve it. You will not think twice about laying down anything of your self in exchange to it. You will be willing to sacrifice for it.

If you have a passion for photography, you sacrifice your money and time to buy camera and learn to use it, you pour your whole heart to it, just to see the produce of your photography. If you have a passion for music, you invest in instruments, protectives, polish; you invest your time to brush up on skills; you buy albums and listen over and over again; you learn from others.

But Christ, His passion was us, His people, His creation, His children. He invested His whole life for us, He sacrificed Himself. We sometimes devalue the word 'sacrifice'; e.g. "I sacrificed my time and money and youth to learn dancing." or "I sacrificed some meals and gave my money for the church." Compare that with what Jesus did, it really puts things into perspective. Jesus gave His body and His blood as the ransom to buy us back from spiritual darkness. And He gave it willingly. He was betrayed, accused, trialed, spat at, mocked at, scourged, beaten up, bruised, crucified, pierced, rejected, abandoned ... but there was never a word of complaint. He bore it all willingly, because He loved us. Passion is sacrifice.

There is no greater sacrifice than that of Jesus Christ. The Lord showed me that really, actually, whatever things that we suffer here on earth, every heartache, every pain, every rejection, every hurt, every challenge that we face, everything that we think we are unable to overcome, every setback, every obstacle, every opposition... He has taken it all unto Himself, so that we will not need to sacrifice. I'm again reminded that every challenge I face is just a tiny dot compare to what I will be rewarded and enjoy in eternity. And everything I thought impossible is already possible, because the most unthinkable and impossible -- God dying for His creation -- was already done. No wonder Hebrew 12:2 says to keep looking unto Jesus, the Author and the Finisher of our faith. Look unto the cross, look unto His finished work, there lies the power that will defeat and crush satan under our feet!

Lord, as we lift You up in our daily lives, may You draw all men unto Yourself. Amen.

Dream Come True

I think my dream is coming true. Yes, I'm talking about the one I had about the team of scientists coming to do tests on how much a person can withstand physical and emotional pain. Maybe you're reading this title and you're thinking to yourself, "Wow, her dream comes true! How nice." Well, let me tell you that if you didn't have a nice dream and it turns out to be true, it's nothing nice at all.

I know that when I had that dream, it was something very assuring, because although it was excruciatingly painful, but I withstood the pain and suffering, knowing deep in my heart and mind that Jesus was with me. Looks like I really am taking over my colleague's job... at least somewhat. Lord, please help me to keep the faith that you have imparted. Pain will come, but fear, you disappear and become powerless at the presence of Jesus Christ!

 

Picture taken from gettyimages.com

Psalm 23 (Amplified Bible)

 ¹THE LORD is my Shepherd [to feed, guide, and shield me], I shall not lack.
    ²He makes me lie down in [fresh, tender] green pastures; He leads me beside the still and restful waters.^{(A)
    3}He refreshes and restores my life (my self); He leads me in the paths of righteousness [uprightness and right standing with Him--not for my earning it, but] for His name's sake.
    ⁴Yes, though I walk through the [deep, sunless] valley of the shadow of death, I will fear or dread no evil, for You are with me; Your rod [to protect] and Your staff [to guide], they comfort me.
    ⁵You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with ^[a]oil; my [brimming] cup runs over.
    ⁶Surely or only goodness, mercy, and unfailing love shall follow me all the days of my life, and through the length of my days the house of the Lord [and His presence] shall be my dwelling place.

Highly Favoured by God

It’s been another week. Time flies at the speed perhaps second to light, but I should commend on this week because it’s been a week of tremendous blessing, great burning of the Holy Spirit within me compelling me to go, it’s been a week filled with peace that surpasses all understanding.

Where should I start, but to start with praising the Lord?

He is awesome. His favour never fails. And His favour always comes as unmerited, undeserved grace. The Lord always backs us up with more than enough grace as we do His work – sowing seeds of love, planting a word of encouragement, urging fellow believers to become disciples, praying for changes to happen and materialise just as it is in the heavenly realm, calling down His hope and peace when there is despair… Lord, without You I am nothing.

Just the other day I was late for work. And I’m talking about really, really very late. I woke up in shock and disbelief that I was 5 minutes away from the clock in time. Well, what to do? Just take my time to get ready and drive to work with the peace of God in my heart and not fretting.

My colleagues will usually be reprimanded for clocking in late by 1 or 2 minutes. This is the first time I’m ever late for work, and it’s not a 1 or 2 minute lateness. It’s 1 hour and 25 minutes! Both my bosses just smiled at me as I entered the office and told them that it was because I had forgotten to set my alarm and I woke up at 8.10am.

Favour.

My teammates have long ago acknowledged that there is indeed favour upon me and my work. Of course, they didn’t exactly acknowledge God in the picture although I told them before that it was God’s favour on me. And yes, they do joke about it every day, but still, it doesn’t change this fact and truth that I am indeed a highly favoured one.

I am thankful, but my desire is to see all my teammates experience the same favour that I have. I want to see them being blessed in their work and receive recognition and praise for their work, because they work very hard. I want to see all the accusation and injustices that they suffer be nullified. And more than anything, I want to see them believe in Jesus.

Two days ago I had a dream about my work. (I seldom dream about work.) I dreamed that there were some people who came with weird instruments to do some research and test on me and my colleagues on our ability to withstand pain. But it's not just a test on physical pain; the instrument tested on emotional pain at the same time, where the more physical pain you experience, the more emotional pain would increase as well. A few of us were selected to go through this test, and the people assured us that it will not do us great harm. One of my teammates were selected, but I negotiated and told the scientists to let her go, that I would replace her. So they did.

They put a band around my left wrist and started on the weird instrument. I felt pain instantly, slowly at first, and growing more intense as they increased the "volume" on the machine. I could feel a piercing, searing pain in my heart, almost like the emotional pain inside was channelled to my brain cells and transmitted throughout my whole body so that I feel the physical pain. I didn't cry out even though I was already in great pain, yet all the while I felt as though my body was separated from my mind. Throughout the test, I was thinking about how Jesus had suffered the cross and that pain must have been greater than what I was going through. And so the test went on; the scientists kept increasing the "volume". It was getting excruciating now, but I still did not cry out; I still persevered.

Yesterday, I had another dream about my colleagues. It was an annual occasion of some sort for the company, but I don't know what it was. It was almost like a bonus giving day, except that it wasn't. My bosses had prepared gifts for each of us and we were to go to them one by one to receive the gifts. I got a beautifully decorated box. It's not a big box; only the size of my palm, not tall either. My teammates have opened their boxes and revealed accessories of all kinds. All of them only had one or two accessories. I opened mine and took out the accessories one by one, for there were many -- pearl chains, necklaces, earrings, bracelets, you name it. As I took them out one by one, my teammates were all amazed and envious of my gift.

Many things are happening at the moment, and mostly changes that are not good. But I believe the Lord is telling me that even though I will go through times when things are negative and look like they will become worse, He is sustaining me, He will see me through, He will come through for me. And in the midst of all, I will receive gifts and favour from Him. I will remain the highly favoured one. Praise the Lord, He is awesome.

Lord, I pray that at where you have placed me, it will be a position of influence, a position that will enable to share Your love and shine Your glory. Please let Your grace be upon me, so that I will have open doors to preach the gospel, so that in my work I will glorify You.

* picture from gettyimages.com

For God So Loved the World

I read an article recently, it was about child abuse. I think I have never read anything that impacted me this much.

The article described a five-year-old girl who was abused to death by her own mother. She was so badly abused that she had internal and external bleeding at various places, all over her body. She was not born in a broken family -- she was the second child of the family; she had an older brother who was just 1 year older than her; her parents were married; her father had a stable job but away from home; they were not in poverty. Yet, she was a victim of cruel torture by her own mother.

What did the mother do? Constant beatings were not the only thing that this girl had to suffer; she was in constant hunger. She had never known what it means to have her stomach filled. Every evening during dinner time, her mother will be sitting at the table with her brother, and she had to come with her little bowl, begging her mother to give her some food. If her mother was angry with her, she would be scolded and chased away without any food.

When she was three, she was so hungry that she took some chicken feed to eat. The consequence? Her mother sewed her mouth! We're talking about her very own mother, who bore her for 9 months and gave birth to her!

Ten days before she died, her older brother coaxed her mother to buy some meat for him to eat because it had been a long time since he had the special dish. Her mother immediately got up and went to the market with him, came back and fried the meat. The little girl, taking the opportunity when her mother was in the bathroom, quickly took and ate some small bits of fat that was still hot. But her mother came, pulled her hair and pushed her against the wall. Knowing it would be worse if she were to cry out, the little girl could only suffer the beatings in silence. But the mother wasn't satisfied with just beating her; she dragged her near the pot of hot oil where she had just fried the meat, and poured the hot oil into her mouth!

The days following, the little girl hardly ate anything. On the ninth day, she had severe diarrhea, and was again beaten up because of that. Then on the tenth day at 1 a.m. midnight, while she was squatting over the toilet bowl trying to pee, she just collapsed. Her eyes were still wide opened, but unseeing; her mouth was opened and still bleeding profusely. Her mother tried to hide her death, by putting on new clothes on her dead body, clothes that the little girl had wanted very much to wear but was never given the chance. But when the coroner did an autopsy on her body, it was all uncovered -- all the beatings, all the cruelty... It wasn't just scars and wound that they uncovered; there were rotten wounds, her nails were black from blood clots, her chin and lips were torn apart, even her private parts were full of wounds. They even discovered a small corner in the closet where she was sleeping. Her tiny piece of mat was there and it was bloodstained.

Cut the story short, the wicked (is there a stronger word that I can use?) mother was arrested and charged at court. But the most shocking thing was, not only did she pleaded not guilty, instead she said, "This is my daughter, I have the right to do to her as I like, beat her up as much as I want to!"

Could there be something done that would have prevented her death? The neighbours, though out of sympathy would sometimes give her something to eat, were helpless about her predicament and did not do anything about it. The brother watched all the beatings and abuse, but did not do anything about it. The social workers who came periodically to visit the family were only advising the mother against the abuse; they did not do anything about it. She just silently suffered the endless tears and pain and hunger. And she died.

Talk about suffering...

When we had a paper cut or pricked our finger, or when we are accused or betrayed or back stabbed, or when we are experiencing low finance, or when we are having a bad week at work / school / college / university... Just think about this little girl who really suffered. She REALLY suffered!

When I read this, there were two questions that went through my mind. The first is: Where was God when she was suffering so much, when all she wanted was for her hunger to be filled? Was He not seeing nor hearing? Didn't He know she was in pain and crying out for help? Didn't He have all the solutions and answers? Didn't He have all the power that could have saved her? Didn't He say He created life with purpose and meaning? Was there ever the tiniest sign that there was meaning to her life? Did she exist for her family to torture her? Did she exist to suffer this way? Didn't He love her?

Well, it's easy to say that this little girl is in heaven right now and forever in His everlasting love, no more suffering and pain, no more cruelty, no more fear, no more hunger, forever satisfied in her spirit, soul and body. But is this the way God answers the question of suffering? Is this the way God answers us when WE are the ones suffering any kind of pain, whether physical or emotional, in our life?

The answer is no. He doesn't answer us the way we want our question to be answered. God is not apologetic about what happens in history, from the beginning of time until now. He doesn't need to apologise, because He is STILL the Sovereign God; He is STILL in control. Yes, you may say that the world is chaotic, so how can He be in control? Well, He's still in control because you're still living and breathing and you still have a mind that is able to reason out this question. Because the question of suffering is not just a general question we ask when face with issues like child abuse or famine or natural disasters that claimed thousands of lives and tore families apart. It is a personal question, a question that eventually you and I will ask, whether you are a believer or skeptic, whether you call yourselves agnostic or spiritual. It's the deepest cry of our heart, that "God, where are You?", of which the resounding second part of the question we dare not utter: "I need You, God..." We dare not, not because we are afraid, but because we didn't have enough faith.

The second question that went through my mind is this: For God so loved the world. This means, He loved this little girl, who suffered so much; but it hangs on the same truth that He also loved this wicked woman who murdered her own child. He LOVED her! Just think about the magnitude of this truth! It is totally unthinkable! How can anyone ever love this woman knowing that she is a merciless murderer? Even her husband and her son, how can they still love her, unless they are as cruel and cold-blooded like her? But GOD LOVED HER! He can't tolerate her sins, but He loved her and is compassionate toward her, just as much as He is to this little girl.

Sometimes, we (believers, I'm talking about us!) are like the Pharisees in the Bible. We look at people and judge whether they deserve God's love, God's salvation, God's pardon. If we don't do it outwardly, we try to excuse them in our minds, saying, "I think this person doesn't deserve to go to heaven because of the evil he's done, or because she's a prostitute, or because he's a murderer, or because she's wicked, or because he's sinful!" We even give excuses to the people we *think* we are reaching out to, saying "Well, he's a Buddhist, I don't think he is open to the gospel"; or "He's too busy to come to church / Christian events"; or "She's too worldly and her reasoning is weird". Now, isn't it clear that we really only *think* we are reaching out to them but we're actually not?

Come back to this mother, do you personally think that she deserves heaven? Well, if I were to be totally honest with myself, I would say no. A flat, no-option kind of NO. But who am I? Who are we to judge? God says she deserves, and she can be forgiven, no matter how big or small her sin is, how cruel or kindhearted, how wicked or tender she was to her child. God says SHE DESERVES! That is great love. And that is what a lot of people cannot accept. But this is THE TRUTH -- For God so loved the world! And this is the gospel of grace and everlasting love that we are to preach.

(By the way, if you're thinking, the gospel is never traditional or goes by human standards or popular opinion; it's always confrontational, to the preacher, as well as to the hearer.)

Back to question #1, where was God when the little girl needed Him? God was there. He was right there, not watching helplessly, silently, hands folded; but I believe He showed her that He also suffered and died a cruel death. Not only that; just as He resurrected and now lives forever, she too lives forever with Him, and forever without suffering and pain. Five years of torture, is but a tiny speck in the spans of eternity. And this is also the gospel of grace and everlasting love that we are to preach. Our present suffering will never be comparable to the ultimate, fullness of joy and glory we will receive in heaven.

I believe these two questions are genuine cries of our heart to understand the magnitude of God's amazing grace and love. They deserve an answer. And the answer... is none other than God.

John 3:16 -- For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall no perish but have everlasting life.

If

If you are here. Of which I know you won't be. But I still like to ask.
If your questions need an answer. Of which I wish you do. I would like to try and answer them, even though I don't have all the answers, even though I may not be able to answer them to the way you want them to be answered.
If you would just open up your heart, you will surely experience Him. Of which I firmly believe without a doubt.
If you have time. I wish you'd be the one asking, inviting, meeting.
If you could see what I see, you're the answer to my prayers.
If you would read this. Of which I know you won't.
If you would know what goes on in my mind and heart. It's more than I can bear.
If you would hold out your heart to the One, you will find the Way, the Truth, and Life in its abundance.
If you are free, you know where to find me. But only if you're willing.
If your heart and mind are not worn out from the day. Of which I hope you're not. I will be able to show you, that you're showered by His grace and mercy.
Only if.
But if this is how it has to be, Lord, so be it.
If my heart has grown cold, if my heart has gone weary. Lord, reignite the fire. Let Your love take me deeper.

The Smallest Rainbow

To those of you who drive, have you ever thought of how you can give thanks when there is a terrible jam and you're rushing for work? Every minute that ticks pass is another moment closer to the threat of being late, so what runs through your mind may be worry and anxiety more than a thanksgiving heart that rises to God. Well, I had the opportunity this morning to give thanks to God, because I saw something in the sky that was beautiful beyond description.

Two cranes flew by, heading towards the zoo. One particularly flew quite near to the cars in front, because at the stretch I was stuck at was a raised highway. I watched them as they glided through the sky, thinking how nice it would be if they were to flew pass above my car... We inched towards the turning to go down the slope, and as I was turning, I saw it. The sky was now brightly lit, although the thick clouds were a unique combination of reddish orange and grey. And there, in between two clouds was one small ray of rainbow. But there was no mistaking it.

I think I was the only one who actually saw that. Or at least I'd like to think it that way. The rainbow lasted for only about five minutes, and it faded. But for the longest time I just stared at it, one eye looking out at traffic and another just trying to drink in all the beauty in it...

It was so small... Just so small... I tried to look if there were other parts of it coming out in sky, but the clouds were too thick, that was the only gap that allowed the colourful ray to shine through. I couldn't take a picture of it, but there's no regret; it's forever etched in my heart.

I said a prayer to my Father. I need You, Lord. I know every time You show me this Rainbow of Promise, You're just telling me and assuring me of Your great love. Teach me what to do. Show me how, Lord. I need You.

And I gave thanks for the jam.

Jesus, all the answers and solutions are found in You. Even when sometimes we think there are questions that we have never thought about, questions that are essentially doubts, Lord, even these You have the answers to them. Even when things don't turn out the way we want them to, You have the solutions for them. And all we need to do is just to rest in You, rest in the assurance of Your goodness and mercy.

Father, I thank You. And I love You.

一年了

星期五晚上我已经回家了，虽然其实没有什么特别的事情做，但我就只是当着是和家人聚聚吧，看一看妈妈，陪一陪她。

星期六我们到旧街场去吃早餐，让我回味我们怡保的美食。一位同乡的朋友说的没错，怡保有两个值得骄傲的特征，就是美食和历史价值。第三的或许是岩石洞吧。你知道吗？大家都知道OldTown White Coffee 是来自怡保的特产，可是如果你有机会到那间旧街场的咖啡店品尝怡保的鱼旦粉+白咖啡，你就真的知道是和他们的连锁店有很大差别的。当然，现场准备的一定比大量生产的来得好百倍。我的词库很穷，没有办法形容得让你（读者）垂涎三尺，简单来讲就是非常好吃啦。

然后妈妈需要去办很多事情，购货、还钱等的。一路上我们都在说要买鲜花给爸爸和祖父母，但是都不知道要在那里买，因为我们已经不想去上次那件花店买了，觉得很贵，而且不美。想了很久，后来路过一间在街场的花店，觉得还蛮不错，就买了三束daisy+小紫花，一束才RM12呢。看着卖花的阿姨细心地把花包好，就觉得，其实做这门生意真的很不错嘛，除了好赚，看见花朵美丽心情也自然会美起来。靠自己的手艺生活，其实不是想象中的可悲嘛，只是或许在开始营业时会是登峰般的难吧…… 很佩服人家能够实现梦想，很想有一天我也能实现我的作家梦。

今天是爸爸的忌日，大清早就被妈妈叫醒，竟然是因为她身体不适，头晕导致想作呕，但是究竟发生什么事我还是搞不清楚。打电话叫表弟来载我们去看医生，医生说是鼻子敏感导致头晕，头晕导致作呕的征兆，然后还追问我是否也有鼻子敏感的问题，有没有皮肤敏感等的。咳，总之是因为妈妈需要治好她的鼻子敏感问题才会好。默默在为她祷告……

后来我和表弟送妈妈回家休息，然后到坟墓去。其实也不算什么祭拜爸爸，只是把鲜花摆在坟前。

看着爸爸的照片，每次都觉得这块石碑不是我爸，土里的骨灰也不是真正的他。肉体已经不再了，有时想起我真的很想知道他的灵究竟在哪里…… 闭上眼睛祷告，我对上帝说，“感激袮正在塑造我家人的生命，让他们每个人都将会体验袮的好，认知袮、相信袮。而我爸，袮在灵里保佑看守他吧。” 我从来都不知道到底能不能为过世的人祷告让他们能够进入袮的国度，但是我知道我一定要把握时间让现在尚在人间的亲人能够体验袮的爱。已经一年了，过去的悲伤我不要再牢记在心里。放开心怀，我已经让袮完全医好我每个伤痕。我要向前迈步，过得更好，活得更精彩，因为有袮的爱支撑着我，一切的悲伤恐惧都会消失。

上帝，我爱袮。爸，你永远都活着在我心里。

Abundant Life

It's been a long while. A good few months. And so many things to pen down, yet so little time to do so.

Life... it's interesting how differently people can describe it. Some enjoy it immensely; every day is full with purpose and meaning. Some are lost and still searching without looking at the right places for answers, or just too stubborn to accept answers that do not fit their agenda. Some are literally the walking dead; they are alive in the flesh, but not necessary so in their soul and spirit. Or maybe they have just numbed all senses, because of various personal reasons... Anyhow, this piece is not for judging or condemning anyone. If you ever fit into any of the categories above, I pray that you will be the first. We are all meant to be of the first category, because Jesus has given us an Abundant Life.

However, if you are like me, who sometimes are in the first, but some other times think you are of the second or third categories -- let us all tap into the grace of God and look unto the cross again. When things come weighing down on us, when life is hard going and it seems like an uphill climb, when you hardly have any time to just be still and listen to the voice of God, when 'rest' seems to be an alien word -- it's during these times that we ought to do our best to enter the rest of God.

Sounds like we have to strive again? Well, in a way, yes. Because we are bombarded by so many things every day, how do we shut them out, keep our hearts pure and our focus on God if we don't do our best to make sure we enter the rest of God? We have so many activities and responsibilities daily; if we don't make an effort to reserve time and come before God in worship and prayer, how will we ever find the time? But the commandments of God are not burdensome. If you really love Him, you'll know what I mean. I'm not saying this merely because this is what His word says, rather because coming to Him is not something we could ever do, but it's because He has already done it for us that we are able to enter in. If people of other religion could be so devoted and fulfil their religious obligations every day without fail, yet worshiping something that cannot save them, how much more we Christians ought to gear ourselves up and enter into the love relationship with the One True God?

Be Strong and of Good Courage ... this is the title of today's sermon by Ps. Gloria. It's such a timely word for me. Every stage of life is a challenge. I've said before that life from 18 to 30 years old has the most changes and stages. We grow the most, we learn the most, we discover the most, and we become who we really are by the various choices and decisions that we make. Yet, there are times we really need the courage and strength to go on. Sometimes we are deep in a situation and there seems to be no way out but to go through it, but we are afraid and we 'beg' God to let us out the easy way. Knowing our loving Father, He will answer us when we call, but are you ready to hear His reply that doesn't seem to answer your question at all? I think He sometimes does that because He knows we already know the answer and solution to the challenge, but we don't want to face it; we want to escape, to find an easy way out. He says, just be strong and of good courage. I will give you My wisdom, for it is foolishness to people of the world, but you know very well that it is life and peace. Thank you, Jesus.

*

Further reminders from the Holy Spirit: Isaiah 43:18-19 ~ Do not remember the former things, nor consider the things of old. Now it shall spring forth; shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert. Only when you let go the old will you be able to enter the new. Only when the Israelites let go their Egyptian-slave mentality could they enter the Promise Land.

It's almost one year now. Fans of Michael Jackson will be mourning / celebrating about him again. Americans will celebrate their Independence Day according to traditions. Today is Father's Day. How are you, Dad? I've always wanted to believe that you're in a better place, but I will never know that for sure, and I guess it's no point still holding on and not moving forward. Regrets and memories will always be there. I will always wish I have more time spent with you, but I will always remember every moment we have shared. I will move on. God, thank You for taking me higher. Dad, I believe I will see you again.

*

Tomorrow is Monday again. Lord, I just want to embrace You and lean on You, because You will give me the strength and courage to fight on. The battle is Yours, but the victory is mine. Your love is the answer. Your wisdom is all I need. I shall not be wise in my own eyes, but Holy Spirit, come have Your way in me. It's You I live for every day. Because the Abundant Life comes from You.

Random Remark

Dear Readers, just a random remark here, if you're reading my blog and wondered why I share some word and passages in the Bible and label the posts "Radical Worship". It's because I deem our journey with God as a worship.

Quoting Pastor Joseph Prince, the greatest call in our lives is to be a worshipper. Since the Lord has said that true worship is worshiping in spirit and in truth, and the truth is Jesus, and Jesus is The Word; hence, the little sharings that I offer here, I hope to offer it to His glory.

By the way, there's no way I can share a testimony or write all the "Radical Worship" posts without first experiencing what I wrote, but Praise God, His Holy Spirit reminds us of all the things that we have learned, not only that, He also adds to what we learn by giving us more revelation. These revelations often come as I am writing, that's why sometimes the posts seem to end hanging, because I actually meant to write about the verses that came after, but as I elaborated on the former verses, it becomes too long for me to drive home two points in one long post.

I hope to experience more of Him and share with you more of what He is speaking to me. Let us continue on in His word and be rooted in His love. Hope to encourage you as you read, and myself as I write for His glory.

God bless :)

Trip to Ipoh

It's the 11th hour, and I'm sitting here writing this when I have other writing assignments to work on, feeling like I don't have enough time. I know it's been a while since I last updated a post, but here it is, I've got to start somewhere to get it going again...

I got myself a freelance writing job for a property magazine and I'm supposed to do write-ups for them, reviewing buildings, properties, projects and all kinds of stuff that you can categorise as property. It's not exactly like how I thought it would be -- it's pretty complicated... For starters, it doesn't pay well, or so many people think, which got me thinking too, and got me thinking, why didn't I think about this before? Bro says I'm just lacking of experience. I wish I knew how to handle this and not be ignorant about things, but well, experience is experience, and it needs you to go and get it... For once, I actually felt that writing wasn't my kind of thing anymore, that I don't think it's what I want to do or should do... I don't know...

To tell the story of the title, I have to thank 2 people: Cally and Chrysler. And thank God for friends. They drove me all the way back to Ipoh to interview a client and get information for my assignment (which is underpaid). Really really super thank them and thank God for such friends and bro & sis-in-Christ. It was a good trip, good weather, nice people that I met with and gave me scores of details about their development project.

It's called The Haven -- like how I named one of the family mansions in one of my stories (Catherine a.k.a. The Golden Locket). For the first time in my life as an Ipoh girl, I found out that there is such a beautiful place in my hometown, and it's only about 10 minutes' drive from my own house! Will upload a pix on the spot when I can...

Anyways, this old uncle who is the director of this developer company was really passionate about his work. He explained extensively about every detail of the project, from the tiles to the railings, to the trademarked swimming pool shaped like a seahorse, to the scenic pond, to the lush green all around and the natural habitat at that spot, to the eco-friendliness of the whole project, etc etc etc... I can almost see a spark in his eyes -- such was his passion. And thank God, he is slow in explaining, so I had ample time to scribble my notes.

I hope I got all I need to write this very long piece, which brings me back to the crux of the matter -- why am I doing this? Why the hassle at a dirt cheap rate? Am I like what they say, being exploited? I really don't know. What I do know is that I really give thanks that I'm still in one piece and I have not placed myself in a position to endanger myself. Because initially, the magazine people wanted me to go with their ex-colleague, who is a guy of dunno how old. Well, they didn't tell me I was to go with this guy (whom I have never met, a total stranger) when they first introduced this piece of assignment to me. They just asked me if I could go to Ipoh, and that someone would go with me, and that all the expenses will be borne by the publisher. And they also didn't tell me that for this project, I was to write like 25 - 30 pages. (All this at the dirt cheap rate? Go figure!) And they also didn't tell me I was to submit it in a week's time, on top of the given 3 assignments.

If experiences come this way, I give thanks, because now I really know that there are times that my judgements fail me and I could easily place myself in a disadvantageous position. If experiences have to come by this way... I have nothing to say, except that I have acted recklessly and foolishly. To say that desperation has pushed me this far, maybe. To say that I lack discretion or I am just ignorant, perhaps very much truthful. But what I am to do about this situation, I have yet to come to a conclusion.

But I shall have to move on. And to move on, I shall welcome a new day by closing this present one. Lord, Your goodness and mercies are new every morning.

Look at Me

In one of my previous post, I have made this comment, that "There are times when you really doubted on the authenticity of what you've believed in, or how much your belief would matter now..." Blessed are you if you have never been through doubting God.

Sometimes we go through times of "valley of the shadow of death" or challenges that are so huge we think that there's no way out, or we are so short-sighted that we can't see beyond our situations. We keep feeling so trapped in our own minds, and that keeps translating into "there's no way out... there's no way out... there's no way out..." Suddenly, you doubted whether your belief would matter, because if it does, how come you're not believing in it? How come there's nothing coming to you or nothing within your spirit that causes you to rise up? How come there's no answers to your questionings?

I remember a sister-in-Christ shared her testimony to us and she ended it with these words: "Jesus said, 'Look at Me. I have all the answers and solutions to all the troubles in this world. Just look at Me, please.' " I only understood it recently.

Jesus does have all the answers in the world, He has all the solutions to every trouble, but why aren't we getting our answers? Why aren't we getting them now? I think one of the reasons is because we don't want to hear them. Although God has already answered us, we don't receive them because it didn't come the way we wanted it to come, the answer didn't satisfy our stubbornness to hold on to doubt.

Job is a very difficult book to read, because Job and his friends kept arguing for like 3/4 of the book and so by the time you reach the part where God answered him, you're like... hmmm.. whatever... There's been a lot of commentaries on the book and it's always noted that God came and answered Job not telling him that "oh My good man, it's because Satan said you will curse Me to My face if I let him make you suffer, but I know you won't, and I'm just letting all this happen so that Satan will know that you truly are a good man." God also didn't sympathize with Job and say, "oh Job, I'm so sorry that I let this happen. I know you are suffering, but it'll be over soon, don't worry. I will 'sayang' you back, double portion." God also didn't punish Satan in the end, which actually was the main cause of Job's suffering, and tell Job, "you see, this is your adversary, I'm punishing him to bring justice to you." Nope. None of the above. God just showed Job His glory and majesty, His creation, His beauty, His attributes, His works. God told Job, "Shut up and look to Me! I've got all the answers in the world, and here they are."

But was God's answer what Job wanted to hear? Did it answer the question about Job's suffering? No. But it did make Job shut up. And Job looked up to God to restore him in all that he has lost.

I was browsing at Canaanland Christian bookstore the other day and I chanced upon this book called "From Mourning to Morning". There was a chapter by Kenneth Copeland and he gave this definition on 'Rejoice'. It's actually 're-joy', to let joy restored to you, and to come to God and let Him 're-joy' you. As the author said, there's only a U difference in the words Mourning and Morning. YOU make the difference. YOU make that choice. YOU bring yourself before God and let Him 're-joy' you. YOU stop whining and look up at the Morning Star, aka Jesus.

God, help us not to be led by our emotions, but by your Holy Spirit, always looking and beholding Your beauty, so that we will receive Your beauty for ashes.

Verse to Remember:
James 1:6 But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. For let not that man suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.

The Week-Long Gap

It's been exactly a week since my last post, and before that was one full week away from KL. My first thought of coming back was: it all seems so foreign to me. Even my apartment, my room, my bed... Nothing has changed, but somehow nothing's the same anymore.

To those who have so vigorously supported me, cared and loved me during this challenging time in my life, just want to extend my deepest gratitude and thanks to you all. Sometimes I feel like it's pretty challenging for you people around me too, because I know you don't really know what to say or do to comfort me. But I really thank you for those of you who have come all the way to Ipoh to visit me and my family (Karen & Joanne), along with WHC's love gift for us, plus lots of regards sent by various people; those who have sat by my side, listening to me talking without looking at you; those who have heard me cry with silent streams or huge gush of tears; those who kept hugging me; those who kept asking if I'm ok... I truly appreciate all of these.

Above all, I really want to thank God.

There are times when we go through the valley of the shadow of death, and we turn left and right but there's only darkness surrounding. There are times when we're so laden with guilt, angry with ourselves, desperate but at the same time despair, and we've given up ourselves. There are times we just kept on asking questions that we know we would never find the answers or understand it even if we'd asked the same questions for the rest of our lives. There are times people can care so much but there's just no way they can truly fully understand us. There are times when you wish you could just pour out your heart and tell another human being what's going on inside your heart and mind; you open your mouth but no words come out, only never ceasing flow of tears. There are times when you feel so trapped and confused, everything around you seems surreal. There are times when it seems like you're having a very long nightmare and you wish at every passing second that you would just wake up from it and everything is ok, but at the same time you consciously or subconsciously know that this nightmare is in fact reality, it's happening and there's no turning back. There are times you wondered why some people died and become more popular than they were alive, while some people died and become a statistic that only a handful of others would remember. There are times you wondered whether things will ever be back to normal, or when will it be, or how long would it take... There are times you desperately want to come out of that emotional ditch, you appeared to be strong, you tried to drown yourself with work, you tried hard not to think, you occupied yourself with many other things, but it's in the silence of the night that thoughts come back and haunt you. And you're once again back in that emotional ditch of quicksand, hanging on dearly to a very thin branchstick, hoping against hope that it won't snap or you will go down. There are times when you really doubted on the authenticity of what you've believed in, or how much your belief would matter now...

At these times, Lord, it was You who have never left me. It was You would held me in Your arms, when I was helpless, when I couldn't respond, when perhaps I'm not even aware that You are holding me. It was You that I needed the most, that I couldn't live without. It was You, Jesus...

And though it's been two Sundays that I've been away, though the surroundings may seem so awkward, though I feel the loss, but I know that I'm certainly not lost. Everything that You have taught me and deposited in my life, it's right there in my heart and soul; I don't lack anything, because You have given me Your all. You said this day, "Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." You showed me that You are my Prince, I can lean on You. And You painted the Rainbow again, to say that I am always Your covenanted child...

Jesus, I love You.