Lost

It has been some time since I've written on the blog.  I dont know what happened to the formatting on the past few posts explaining the last days and weeks of my life with Todd, but that's not what this post is about.

It is hard to believe that nearly 11 months ago, I was asked to leave my own home.  Nearly 7 months ago, I was officially divorced from a man I was with for 9 years: married 7 1/2 years.  I dont like change, and my life has been nothing but change.  I am thankful that I am away from the toxic relationship (marriage) I was in; however, I see very clearly how damaged I am.  I committed almost 1/3 of my life to a man who threw it away.  That changes a person.  I have become a cynic of love, marriage and even my own future.  Everything I once believed in has been taken away.  I used to believe in fairytales, happily ever afters, and now, I only see that they were not meant for me.  At least at this point in my life.  I am lost, bumbling through life, unsure of what my reality is or will be.

I think back to my parent's divorce, after 20+ years of marriage.  Did my mother feel the same way I am feeling right now?  I know she still voices her opinions about my father and his wife, but I see that she is happy.  She is with a man that treats her like gold.  Appreciates her, gives her everything she deserves, and adores her.  Truth be told, I have a man in my life that adores me, treats me well and is patient and understanding to all of these emotions and feelings I go through.  He has been through them himself a few years back.  He says that it takes time to heal.  And until then, I can do nothing but work on me and these feelings of defeat.