authenticity and purpose... and a long overdue reflection

January 1, 2017

I am in no way pretending that by writing this one post, I will somehow resurrect my blogging habits. However, as a journaler, I have thoughts stomping around my head today that I desire to capture and record.  So, after lying dormant for over 2 years, here we go... 

These past 17 months have been marked with much change, many goodbyes, new beginnings, discomfort, growth, and an increasing sense of God's provident hand upon our lives. We have said "yes" when we didn't know exactly what we were accepting. I have also learned that "no" is an appropriate answer, when everything in me is used to the opposite. We have grown closer as a family, as we packed up our house (TWICE) to head to a new neighborhood, school, church, job, and friend circle. We have had tearful days and nights, wondering what we were doing here, why we left our home and village just 27 distant miles away (separated by the 405 freeway and loads of LA traffic). 

We have also had a sweet and simple reset to our family priorities, schedule and
commitments. I have seen our children grow, through heartache and challenge. We have come to love things we used to take for granted. I have had my fair share of anxiety, pain and loneliness, and can now say that I wouldn't trade the personal growth that came out of those moments. Isn't that always the case? That when we find ourselves stumbling through a valley, we often are begging for it to end... however, on the other side, when God has completed a little more of His sanctifying work in us, we can look back with gratitude for the things of which we had to let go. While this past year was beautiful and full, with vibrant growth, the pain is still very real.  It still hits me in waves, sometimes when I least expect it. I taste the disappointments and the frustrations as we mourn what we thought we would have. We had expectations that will never be met. And the beauty from ashes part of this story is that I trust God in bigger and deeper ways.  I have allowed Him to address imbalances in my life, to touch on broken places and set them straight, to apply pressure to wounds that are deep and buried. And I am thankful that He knows just what I am capable of handling. In all things. 


When we moved here, the word "authenticity" was spoken to my heart. I entered a new circle, one that was ready to accept us with open arms. One of the very best moments since moving here was spoken by one of the girls during our first week of school "Mom, it sort of feels like people were waiting for us to get here." The rarity of this gift is not lost on me. However, I have had to continually make the decision to let down my guard, be true to who I am, even when I feel out of place or different.  I recognize that I model this to my children, and it makes me that much more vigilant to do it well. I have stumbled through moments of regret and awkwardness as I walk out new relationships. It still feels precarious at times. But the inner confidence which has come as a result is a blessing I would not forego. I continue to make the choice to be who I was created to be, to be true to my roots and to not lose sight of what has always been most important to my soul. 

Working full-time, with 4 children under my roof, I struggle to find "me" time.  But this week, I set aside time to complete a nurturing time of reflection (inspired by my soul sister Suzie Lind - follow that link to find your own inspiration).  It was truly good for the soul.  I am choosing to set my sights forward, and as I prayed for my own "word" for 2017 - purpose came to mind.  Dave helped me define it a little more accurately with intentionality. In this full life and season, the days can blur together. Weeks become months and I find myself no longer walking in the gifts I've been given. For example, I am

missing the habit we used to have, in an open home, a table full of guests, our children being part of our sharing with younger couples and families. We had a list of people with whom we wanted to invite in, to share a meal or time with. Somehow, we have lost that practice. In the newness of this time, when adjustment has consumed us, we have neglected to walk in the things that give us life. So now, as I continue to walk out an authentic approach to life, I pray I do so with a more purposeful approach - to make space for that which matters most. And to learn to let go of that which doesn't.

And while I still walk in a very real amount of anxiety for the heartache and pain that is inevitably before us, I know that as I prayerfully commit my days and my family to the Lord, He will cover all the places and fill in the gaps as they come. I am trusting His Word to be true, that He will continue to sanctify me, one small moment at a time. In the end, that is all that matters.  To live this life well, fully, and honoring to Him.

Until next time.... 
XO