It's here.
I knew it would come.
Even three months ago when I was on the couch all day in pain and a drugged stupor I knew that months from then I'd be looking back on all that "wasted" time spent on the couch and be upset with myself.
And this week it happened.
The kids began school.
The day before school started they begged to have friends over (like every other day all summer long) and complained that they hadn't had friends over once that summer (which was true). I begrudgingly said yes and they spent the rest of the day happily playing.
The next day they went to school and the house was finally quiet. I had time to think. Had it really been 11 weeks since their summer vacation began and what did I have to show for all that time? Absolutely nothing. Well that's not exactly true; I have a very messy disorganized house and an extra 10-15 pounds. Those are the things I can't hide.
The frustration, anger, guilt, disappointment and depression I feel are more easily hid behind smiles and "I'm good." I look back and can't even say a little of how I spent my time and what I accomplished.
Before the accident I would've said that it sounded wonderful to sit on the couch all day long and just read or watch movies. But when it's something that's forced then its not fun anymore and I had no desire to read or watch TV. Well why didn't I at least try to exercise a little using my upper body and good leg? Because it was so hard to move anywhere that it seemed too difficult. But why didn't I at least sit and clear out some of the piles stacking up or drawers that needed to be de-cluttered? Surely I could have done that? Nope. I was too tired, in too much pain. Could I read to my kids or spend some time playing games? I don't remember doing that either.
What did I do? I don't know.
Am I being too hard on myself? Yes. I probably did more than I remember but I feel such a sense of loss at the time gone.
I've started physical therapy. Somehow I thought that when my boot finally came off I'd be up and running (metaphorically speaking). I wasn't quite prepared for more pain and a limp that I can't seem to get rid of.
My body spent 3 1/2 months healing while I sat on the couch or in bed for most of it. I wonder how long it will take my spirit to mend?
4 comments:
I don't have any answers, but I want to say I hear you! I hear all the sadness and disappointment and frustration. You've put into words what other people in your situation must feel.
Mom told me once that she went through a time like that when she was pregnant with me and so, so sick. She says she has wondered if she were to go back and do it again, would she face it bravely, and overcome the discouragement? And she thinks no! And she doesn't even want a second chance; she doesn't think she would do any better when she got in the middle of it. Everything looks different when you're in the middle of something.
At least you got through it. Here you are on the other side of 11 weeks. You got through it, and here you are!
That's frustrating and depressing. I have felt those feelings. Something to think about - be kind to yourself. If a friend came to you and were the one telling you she felt the way you are feeling, what would you say to her? If it were someone else other than you, how would you judge her? Sometimes that helps me keep things in perspective, and be a little kinder to myself. <3
Erin, I am truly sorry for whatever happened;-/ I hope you will be able to know that Heavenly Father loves you and knows that you did your very best! Sometimes, when I am feeling some of the same ways you described in your post, I have to tell myself, Well it was a good day, since all of my children are still alive! Hang in there friend! I hope your pt will get you where you want to be!
I have guilt because I just read this page and it has been over a month and a half. And I could have done or said something. I am sorry you felt this way!
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