GUILT

It's here.

I knew it would come.

Even three months ago when I was on the couch all day in pain and a drugged stupor I knew that months from then I'd be looking back on all that "wasted" time spent on the couch and be upset with myself.

And this week it happened.

The kids began school.

 The day before school started they begged to have friends over (like every other day all summer long) and complained that they hadn't had friends over once that summer (which was true). I begrudgingly said yes and they spent the rest of the day happily playing.

The next day they went to school and the house was finally quiet. I had time to think. Had it really been 11 weeks since their summer vacation began and what did I have to show for all that time? Absolutely nothing. Well that's not exactly true; I have a very messy disorganized house and an extra 10-15 pounds. Those are the things I can't hide.

The frustration, anger, guilt, disappointment and depression I feel are more easily hid behind smiles and "I'm good." I look back and can't even say a little of how I spent my time and what I accomplished.

Before the accident I would've said that it sounded wonderful to sit on the couch all day long and just read or watch movies. But when it's something that's forced then its not fun anymore and I had no desire to read or watch TV. Well why didn't I at least try to exercise a little using my upper body and good leg? Because it was so hard to move anywhere that it seemed too difficult. But why didn't I at least sit and clear out some of the piles stacking up or drawers that needed to be de-cluttered? Surely I could have done that? Nope. I was too tired, in too much pain. Could I read to my kids or spend some time playing games? I don't remember doing that either.

 What did I do? I don't know.

Am I being too hard on myself? Yes. I probably did more than I remember but I feel such a sense of loss at the time gone.

I've started physical therapy. Somehow I thought that when my boot finally came off I'd be up and running (metaphorically speaking). I wasn't quite prepared for more pain and a limp that I can't seem to get rid of.

My body spent 3 1/2 months healing while I sat on the couch or in bed for most of it. I wonder how long it will take my spirit to mend?

KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON

Although this phrase has been overused and spoofed way too many times I still love it's message and the way it makes me feel when I truly consider it's meaning. If you haven't seen this video you should watch it. 3 minutes long. It's a short history about the phrase and poster. It'll warm your soul! Click HERE. (I tried to embed the video straight onto my blog but couldn't get it to recognize the link)

FOURTEEN!

In August my oldest child turned 14!  Fourteen!  As in ten years plus four more!  Looking back I would never say that it "felt like yesterday" when he was born but it certainly doesn't feel like 14 years!

It does seem like yesterday though when he still looked "young."  Seemingly in a day I turned around and looked at him and he'd grown up.  His voice is lower.  He's only a couple inches shorter than me.  His eyebrows are bushy.  It's hard to describe in words the change other than to say he looks like a young man instead of the little boy I've been used to.

He has a great sense of humor and it takes me by surprise sometimes.  He loves reading books and watching action movies like The Avengers and the like.  He began an art class this semester and has a lot of talent drawing!  He just made the all-star team for flag football and is planning to participate in cross country and track as well.  He's in honors classes and assures me that his 2 "C's" (78.7 & 77.9) are actually "B's" although I'm still unimpressed.  He loves music with his favorite band being "Imagine Dragons."  Unfortunately because of the 2 C's his iPod has been confiscated.  (Insert very sad/mad face here).

This is a picture of him before his first dance.  His friend told him the dress code was "plaid shirts" of which I was dubious of course.  When he got home from the dance I asked what the other boys wore and he said "plaid shirts."  So I asked my friend who works in the stake young women and she said that it was a collared shirts for boys--which apparently they interpret to mean plaid shirts.  Boy are funny.

LK will be turning 13 in 2 weeks and she's following right behind her brother in growing up.  I wonder how all the growing up shows on me.

WHEN THEY'RE ACTUALLY LISTENING

Today Miss A was given the chore of vacuuming the upstairs, but before she could start I needed to empty the canister and clean out the spinny-brush-rotator-thingy.  (I know it has an official name but I can't think of it right now)  With 3 girls in the house  with long hair the thing had a veritable wig wrapped around it.  So we sat there cutting and pulling and pulling and cutting to free it from Rapunzel.

As Miss A sat next to me working she said, "Mom, this is kind of like our family home evening lesson where 'by small and simple things are great things brought to pass.'"

Surprised (VERY surprised since I usually get the feeling that no one is actually listening to my FHE lessons) I asked what she meant.

"Well, it's not like all this got vacuumed up at the same time.  The vacuum only picks up one piece of hair at a time, but the more and more it picks up then the more it wraps around and around and makes it harder to turn.  So one at a time it builds up to be a big thing."

Wow!  Not only the repeating of the scriptural phrase but an actual modern application!  I was quite pleased.  Every now and again I get that confirmation that I really am doing an okay job as a mom and they actually are learning something. 

Today we still had some whining, fighting, complaining, crying, etc but the conversation with my daughter alone made it a great day!

AUSTENLAND

Can I just tell you that this movie was delightful?

 

It felt like Christmas today when I went to see this movie with two of my dear friends--IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY!  How amazing is that?

 

And the popcorn and soda made it feel like Christmas and my birthday wrapped up together!

 

The movie is meant to be funny and not taken too seriously, which is exactly what we did!

 

If only I could have taken out my phone to record my two friends laughing hysterically! 

 It warms my heart to think about!

 

I can't remember the last time I saw a movie in the theater that was clean and funny and romantic and so much fun!

IT'S ALL IN THE PERSPECTIVE

Last weekend I flew up to Utah to celebrate my dad's 70th birthday.  We all expected my parents to be in Denmark on their mission by now but there has been a delay with their Visas.  (I will post about the trip later)

When I got home, one of my friends told me that during the lesson on eternal marriage in church my husband made a comment about me being out of town and how it made him appreciate me even more for what I did for our family.

Then I found out from another friend that during LK's class she shared how awesome it was to have me gone because they ate a whole bunch of food they never get like TV dinners and donuts, they got to stay up late, and watch TV all day.

It's kinda funny until I start to think about it and then feel bad.  I guess it's all in the perspective.

10 YEARS

Yesterday marked 10 years from the time that my husband's mother passed away unexpectedly.  She was only 52 years old.

I was pregnant with Miss A at the time.  AR had just turned 4 and LK was not quite 3.  Although we were living in New Jersey, during the summer we had come to Arizona for an internship my husband had with a firm in Phoenix.  We were planning to return to NJ to finish his last year of school when plans got changed and we decided to stay in Arizona and have him finish at ASU.  (That is a story all by itself).

We flew to NJ where we packed up our little apartment in 2 days and let a moving company drive it back to AZ.  We said our goodbyes to friends and church members knowing that we would probably never see most of them again.  We had only been back for a few days when she died.

In some ways that day 10 years ago feels like a lifetime away and in other ways its still raw.

Yesterday after the children left to school I went to visit the cemetery by myself.  I sat in the shade of a tree next to her headstone and remembered her. 

One of my best memories is when we were all playing a game at her kitchen table and she started laughing uncontrollably.  The tears were streaming down her face and her shoulders were shaking up and down as she laughed.  It makes me smile to think about.

Another thought I had was how much she loved her grandchildren.  There was nothing else she would have rather done than to spend time with them.  Her world revolved around her children and her grandchildren.

I left a flower on her grave as I said a prayer of thanks for her life.  I will be eternally grateful for her.