i try. i tried.
but each time i see you or hear from you, it feels strange. and i'm reminded of how we used to be like, no wall in between, no reservations.
that wall just can't seem to go away.
somewhere i do not have to think about anything at all.
june, oh beautiful june.
pain, can be physical, or emotional.
physical pain may be short-lived, but emotional pain, will be forever.
when it seems like the heart no longer aches, it's only because you're used to that aching feeling.
pain can't flow out, cos it's so personal you can only keep it inside you,
and when it goes inwards, it can only flow deeper in, reaching the ends no one can reach nor heal.
it has been quite awhile since i've blogged, and i kind of miss this place. haha. maybe i should start converting this into more short frequent posts, rather than long once-in-a-blue-moon ones. i would love to have daily posts, but, i know i can't commit myself to it, so, i shall just try to let my thoughts seek a resting point more frequently. =)
recently, i find myself carrying a baggage which i've so far refused to settle: my future plans. it's been bogging me. it's always at the back of my head, once in awhile appearing at the front of my head, and i somehow managed to push it back again.
i'm still undecided. partly because i haven't really sat down and researched about the courses overseas. all i know is that i will further my studies overseas after i finish my degree. but what exactly, i'm still relatively undecided. relatively, because i think i want to do child psych. yet, it may not be relevant to what i wanna go into - teaching. sigh. and it dawns upon me that, what i'm interested in is not what i want to do in future; how ironic, isn't it.
yet, i know, i must make that decision soon. some time, soon.
sigh.
when we're at that stage, oh, we simply have to sit down and think,
no longer our fantasies guiding us,
no longer our dreams taking pole position
cycles. start school, exams, break, start school again, exams, break, and i start school again. everyone goes through the same process, but not as fast as we do, i guess. cos we have 3 sems a year, exams seem to be "coming soon" all the time. haha. and yet again, i'm looking forward to the end of exams (2 more papers!), and yet again, i'm looking forward to the much-awaited one month holiday! and soon, i'll find myself starting school again. yup, the cycle repeats itself. but i enjoy school, i enjoy uni life, and i am satisfied with my life. which is good, cos Erik Erikson says if i'm not satisfied with my life, i'll face despair when i'm 70 years old.
sometimes, i wonder if taking it on was the right thing to do. whatever it is, i know that studies still comes first. but, that doesn't mean i can shirk my responsibility. and juggling is not an easy thing to do at all. not at all.
it's wearing me thin down to the core...
i don't know why, i've kind of lost that feel. you know, that feel.
i will find it back, someday, i know i will.
i'm inclined to make new resolutions for this new year, but i know i wouldn't. because,
i'm just too lazy to do so.
haha.
well, i guess it's also because i believe resolutions are for people who find it difficult to live through the year without a goal written in black and white.
