Friday, June 25, 2010
Maybe like I said, things are just not meant
to be between us. Whatever happens,
hehe guess I don't really care.
--
Anyhoo kor always said whenever he's here,
I'm always talking bout 'stooopid' stuff.
So I don't wanna dwell on it.
Eh hmm MRI tomorrow.
I've nth else to type out here haha.
Go away and let me muse alone in my thoughts.
--
Emotionless.
Disappointment over and over again.
Selfish.
Insensitive.
Only bother bout yourself,and how you feel.
Just when you realise you are all those.
It's too late. And now you wanna do the
'right' thing and stop being so selfish.
I have mixed hweeeeelings.
Aiyah idk.
And all these while, K's been there for me,
Like you said, we've known each other for
5 plus years already and I know you've been
hinting me and what not. And I admit,
you're treating me a whole lot better then how
f's treating me. It's as if K knows how yknow I
really wanna be treated. I know you've been waiting
for me for damn long too and I just can't give you what
you want though you don't give up.
Idk. Everyth's all in a mess now in my head.
And Im thinking maybe yknow being alone
is a whole lot better cos then I only have to
bother bout myself.
--
-& here we go again
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Oooh I've totally forgotten that my blog
totally exists! hahaha!
Ohwells. But there is so much now
that idk what to do yet I know I
have to do the 'politically right' thing,
so that everyone won't get hurt
in the long run I guess.
--
Disappointment over and over again.
Thought I've already gotten over that,
not letting it affect me anymore yet
it still does. Idk why am I just so stupid
to think that everything was going well.
Well, maybe to you I guess.
Or isit just that I'm too fussy?
And I thought I was already not asking
anything from you. Never did from the
beginning, never am gonna start asking
or demand anything from you too.
You keep yourself shut up so tight,
I hafta pry you open sometimes and
yet I fail. I feel so useless and this
whole thing is just wayy too pointless
at times. Yeahm I'll admit that we are
alot closer then we were back then
when we first started out, yet Idk
how to explain.I still can feel the gulf
between us still. Sigh. Talking just feels
weird cos you don't say out your stuff,
then how do you expect me to say out.
This is the weirdest combi ever and
everyone says so too.
--
For once I wanna be selfish and give in
to that thought yknow. & see what'll transpire
from there. Will it be another flop? Or will
something nice happen. Yet knowing - chara,
it prolly won't be any thing else but just a
* I guess.& if things turns out worse after the *
ends, it just gets us nowwhere so what's
the point in the first place?
--
Yet knowing how ! chara can be, yet I know
that I'll be truely happy when things get
serious because you and I, we both
give our all and you've already hinted to me.
But yeah things will turn out badly and
I don't want things to go that way I'm sorry.
--
Sometimes leading this can get really
tiring and I want so much to go back to
being #. I know you're waiting but sorry
things just won't work out for now.
For the future Idk what to say.
But still just best friends aite.
--
You. I know you're looking for a companion
but I'm not that kinda person.
Sorry so stop bugging me seriously!
--
& I know I haven't been spending much time
with the others too so I promise makeup dates
soon! Now there's the major musical coming up,
my energy is focused on getting everyth running
smoothly and for ocne I won't be dancing hehe!
Hopefully the dancers and of course and main cast
will all do a good job (:
Let's go people!
-& here we go again
Monday, May 10, 2010
Tell me why to even try so hard.
When everyth seems to be going haywire.
I really can only do so much.
I know you got your limit. Yet so do I.
And with so many problems
piling up hello there is only a time
before I will burst.
I'm not Superwoman.
I'm running on meds now.
Cos I can barely function w/out them,
thus the high medical bills.
The nerve meds, the pain meds,
all the crap injections that I need.
Then cos of all these, my attachment is
gonna be affected. Big time.
Then there is - side too.
- is going haywire everywhere.
And I'm afraid of the measures that
will be taken. It will be damn selfish
for me to say I don't wanna do anyth too.
I'm sandwiched in between 2 sides.
I gotta stop thinking short term.
Long term wise, it'll really affect - big time.
Sigh idk what to do, cept to continue
what I'm doing now and hope everyth will
just turn out well please.
--
And then there's you too.
Cos of this, we've been quarrelling
so often I can barely keep track anym.
I forever give in cos I don't want you
to stay unhappy, but is it too selfish to
ask you to consider my own feelings
for once too? To you, it's always all
my fault this all my fault that.
I can only give in for so long before
I've had enough. Being taken for granted
brings me to a whole level of pain.
I've been keeping damn quiet alr.
Not talking it out I guess will also.
Must learn to talk. Must learn to talk
hahahaha!Oh well, I gotta make an effort on
my side. It always seems so easy to talk
to the others, but Idk why its so hard to talk you.
Ah wells.
--
I gotta buck up a whole lot more.
Sigh thanks love hehe though
you have paper later on, we
still had our talk! :D
Now I needa arrange w/second love
and then update her too.
Hi Wee Bonggzx if you happen to see
this yes I'm talking bout you HAHA.
Nights people injection into my
freaking spinal cord tomorrow.
AM. NOT. LOOKING. FORWARD .TO .IT
-& here we go again
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Is avoiding the best way
out for you? Yes I know I was
wrong but hello normal what dey
irritating :@ HAHA.
Kay so I alr admitted it was my fault
then what the more what fuck do you
want from mee? Beg and grovel in front
of you!? It ain't as if I didn't take the
first step or whatever.
And not like I shirk from my mistakes.
All you know how ta do is to
ignore ignore ignore IGNORE.
Ugh, I feel like farting in your face
to wake you up. It's going back all
again to where you are forever right,
and i'm forever wrong. Thought I've alr
put all that behind me.
And you wonder why the brick walls
around me. Seriously.
This is getting damn ...
Idk how to handle.anything.
Yeah I'm raw and stuff.
But hello forever it looks like
I'm the freaking one trying to make
things work.
AIYAH pek cek only talking bout
it again. Don't wanna bother already.
If I'm the one who always has to make
the first move,then I apologise, I'm tired.
Enough's enough. For so long, I've been
stepped on. It ain't gonna be that way anymore.
--
Celebrated great grandma's birthday!
She is so old, she doesn't even have
her birthdate on her ic zomg.
She's like what 90 +++
haha! Surrounded by kids,
as usual. At least had Justina and Angel
or I think I'll just die. Two smelly dogs licking
me everywheree eeeeks! Esp Dooby,
who has the worst dog breath EVER.
HAHAHA. Not always you get to see
great grandma so happy. What with
almost everyone there. Guess
old people are easily satisfied eh.
AND SHE LOVE MY FLOWERS.
Of course, from me who also won't like
HAHAHA.
Ah wells.
--
The ignoring is seriously getting on my
freaking nerves AND I hate talking
on the phone COS I JUST HATE ITTTT.
Last week in my disgusting messy old home!
Hopefully after renovating it, it will look much
nicer, and not so how will I describe it hmm,
sparse? No, plain. No AIYAH IDK.
This means, 2 weeks of travelling to work
from amk = 15 mins to get to work.
I LIKEEEE! I can wake up at 8am!
Don't hafta wake up at 7am YESSSS AHH!
-& here we go again
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Hi my back has gone into hell again.
): And all because I hardly dance
anymore and cos I'm doing alot more
sitting in work.
Slipped disc
=
no support
=
more pressure at the base of my spine
=
S shaped spine.
Wowzisome.
Swollen back, muscle cramps
pain shooting up and down my hip.
Can't run, can't sit still more then
half an hour,can't do crunches,
can't do sit ups, can't jump
without pain shocks radiating like hell
up and down my leg, severe migranes
at the back of my head cos all connected.
Can't wear heels, can't stand long,
can't lie down long, can't survive w/out
painkillers now. And painkillers knocks
me out like a light. If not, damn drowsy.
Now I gotta rest but then what the fuck am
I gonna be doing!? wtf. And my flipping
attachment grade is gonna be freaking
affected.Having to leave early already
for physio every week already because
they close at 5, last patient at 415pm.
And my therapy also takes 1 hour.
Wtffffffffffffffffffffffffff.
And wtf, bed rest for one week is
freaking impossible.
I can't even lie down still without being doped
to the gills with painkillers and all
the meds that I've to take to survive through
the day and in the night.
Now what am I gonna do.
Sob.
--
I wanna dance.
I wanna score well.
I wanna be pain freeeeee D:
I can't do NAFA.
Hahaha hi marl we shall be slackers
when it comes to that day cos now
I can't do it too.
--
Shall support the kids at the perf tomorrow.
And talk to Azhar.
And emo haha. Ah wells.
--
Spent 145 today on mom's present
for mother's day. She and her Miracle perfume.
Bought my VANS!!!! YES AHH hahaha!
Though I bought the red one instead of the pink.
Cos pink damn hard to match w/clothing
and I've enough of pink stuff tyvm haha!
Ah wells,k bye.
-& here we go again
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Into the third week now of attachment.
It’s gonna be one month soon!
So fast. I still ain’t used to the
early hours yet but almost there
almost there hahah!
Yes ah! Received my first pay check
for the 3 weeks I’ve been here
hehehe yay Vans shoes watch out.
HAHAH.
--
First time, I was oblivious to the
drama that happened again
on tues. hahah! See,
that’s what happens when
you go away and go late then
miss out on all the stuff. D:
Neh mind, at least I still get updates.
I know its tough, but hang in there
yeah guys? 8 more months LOL.
Supposed to talk to R, but then I think
cos of my side, then cannot HAHHA.
Oops. Must find a time asap.
If not my people are gonna
blow up big time already.
There is only so much I can do
to help laugh it off and explain.
--
& we still have a long way to go,
and I swear I’m gonna make you
talk to me bout your problems somehow.
Look what I’ve done to people whom clam
up and refused to talk? Hehehe.
Don’t underestimate my prowess.
HAHA what more you matters above the
others so obviously you’re gonna come
first. what a retarded question you
ask me. And I so gotta work on
subtlety hahahah!
Sometimes my actions and emotions
are just way too transparent!
--
My back is acting up from sitting down too
much in the office, and ain’t getting
any dancing done hahaha!
Shit man. When I dance, back doesn’t hurt,
but during work, it hurts like flipping hell.
And its back to being swollen again.
Like so wtf ._.
Time for me to go back for physio.
It’s freaking screaming,
ain’t hinting anymore. D:
--
SA first audition todayyy!
Egg-citing. Wanna see new
batch of juniors,
and you always relive memories
of when you first step into the dance
studio hahaha! Maybe cos already been
through last year,
which is why not as crazy and still
in disillusion like the juniors ( soon – to – be
seniors) hahahaha!
-& here we go again
Saturday, April 24, 2010
So there goes the last performance
in the space of a breath,
signaling the last performance for me
(for 6 months that is hahaha)
But still, 6 months is a damn long
time omg and I’m gonna miss those
crazy baboons. While they get to perform,
Imma stuck right here in the office.
Oh fangggg, now I really know how you
feel whenever you can’t perform w/us.
It kinda sucks,
no wait revise that.
It sucks big time ):
But ah wells, gotta suck it up.
CC 2010 was just plain awesome.
Even better then last year.
All the performing groups did great!
Esp Stage Arts HAHAH.
K so maybe I’m a lil bias, but who ain’t?
Hehe. Thanks to all those who came down
to support us! Esp Treasa(MY LOVE!:D),
Amanda Leow, Jingwei, Nicholas, Pew( MY BUD!)
and so on.
Met unexpected people too!
Christine, Clare, Tris’ sister, Olivia..
Never thought I’ll see those people
again after we all graduated from sec school,
esp Christine and Clare cos we were tight back
in sec 1 and sec 2! Ahhaha so amazing LOL.
And almost done uploading
all the photos! I can’t believe
it took me two days to
finish uploading the photos.
Lousy computer.
Time for a new one!!!
(hint, preferably mac kthxbye)
HAHA. Oh man, I’m happily eyeing all
the macbooks whenever we are walking around.
So cool,managed to get one
w/my eyecandyyyyy. I likee
HAHAHAH.
--
Exactly 2 and a half years today.
I took it out of the box,
and stared at it.
Knowing, it ain’t gonna
change anyth. If only I had
accepted, things might be different.
Preferably, w/you still here.
But then again, then nth would
have happened between . and I.
Aiyah. Don’t wanna think about
It. Am hearing Jay Chou in the
office!!! So disgustinggggg!
--
Speaking of which, the people
at work are pretty much okay
people. Yesterday was
‘pretend you are at a club’ day LOL.
The two I forgot their names,
started waving torchlights
around like as if in club lightings
and started shaking their booty around
HAHAHA.
--
Ah wells, damn exhausted.
Thinking,maybe now that I ain’t
performing so much, maybe cut down to
once? Idk uh aiyah see how things go.
Cos my body cannot sustain this kinda
routine. It’s already starting to protest =/
And idk how but I manage to sprain my lil
finger so now it hurts ):
-& here we go again
