.Wednesday, April 23, 2008 ' 8:17 PM Y
=x
I feel numb.
Kinda like..6 months ago, I asked a bunch of girls what had happened with sidney and his bunch of punks...and well, naturally i made it a point to make sure that he didn't go after them. That's me, I guess. well. it was me. naturally, I'm a whole lot more cynical after the incident...it's one thing to be hated, it's another thing to be hated just for being myself.
and I guess in some way, I feel betrayed by words, but I was careless, I was gullible. I opened my heart to someone who told me that she felt like she could tell me anything, to someone who confessed to me in the cutest way I have ever known.
I don't get a whole lot of confessions nowadays, but that one's really hard to forget.
well other than the other one telling me I was the best thing that ever happened to her, but losing that one was actually my fault.
anyway, my main issues 6 months later after that incident is that...
I have no qualms about hitting adrienne. whatsoever.
bitch or no bitch, adrienne's a girl. well. No, she can't be considered a girl.
in fact, everytime I see her I'd like to hit her. a lot.
just the sight of her makes me wish I was dead. as in. so I DON'T have to see her.
hmm.
hitting weelin would be a problem. simply because I can't do it.
I don't think that's possible.
I can't believe I'm even considering it. Is that really how limited my patience is now? I don't know..it's just that they hit me at all the worst times, when I'm stressed and when I'm just trying...to get myself back.
as for my crazy neighbour.
ARGH. who the hell am I kidding. I'm Luke Ho, darn it!! sheesh! I don't freakin HIT girls.
but then again, I've hit guys for less than what they've done to me. hmm.
god. girls.
yeah, ming rui will probably think I'm even MORE selfish now.
I know, okay. I used to believe it too; that there's no excuse for a guy hitting a girl.
except when that bitch hit ubik, it totally changed my perception.
I said so one time, and I'm sorry to people who'll be disappointed in me, but I already said I'd bring them all down if I had to.
This isn't about anyone's agenda anymore. just because I'm not defending someone else doesn't make me selfish. it just makes me a lot less selfless.
and as for my compromised morals? well. you know who to blame.
I'm giving you a last chance, adrienne.
leave me alone.
or the next time you shout 'lulu', it'll be with your face rearranged.
.Friday, April 18, 2008 ' 11:20 PM Y
=x
Mood: Distressed
Well, I sucked at basketball today, at least defense wise. Got blocked and ankle breakered.
Today is not my day. And that's the least of it.
I know I said this would be the last post, but that was as someone else..
I think I'm back..and back for good.
Been thinking about so many things..
Up to the point that I'm not just emoing..it goes beyond that.
After all these years, I finally know my place.
I really, really like ms ang. She's beautiful, smart, mature, devoted to Christ. The kind of woman I really wanted to grow up and spend the rest of my life with.
Except, I'm not grown up, and she's already married.
I'm kind of..relieved actually. That I still have a heart. sort of.
I liked 'i kissed dating goodbye' but 'boy meets girl' really turned me off somehow. I just...can't accept that I don't get a choice.
maybe the retribution is not having any reviews. lol..?
so scared of who I am. or..whatever that being is called.
didn't think I'll go so low..
I can't sleep. Not like I used to.
Can't breathe.
Can't think.
Can't love.
So many regrets. So many mistakes.
I'm kinda happy in some weird, freakish way. Everyone that...
well...clarissa. yanlin. weelin. shimin. pearl... don't know how many more. lost count so long ago it just sticks to my skin.
I think they're all happier now than they would have been with someone like me.
I thought it would be more painful to admit. but it's not.
so relieved.
so relieved...
.Saturday, April 05, 2008 ' 9:49 PM Y
=x
yawns*
nice to know that after not blogging for a month, all my favourite spammers dropped by and none of my favourite people..
anyway, this is my last post. it's been too taxing and boring to keep a blog..I've had so much writing to do and stuff, and i've been bllogging for other blogs also, so yeah..
ugh. now I really regret getting drunk..
Blasphemy-er's a usual person, so I know you're somewhere on my msn. I suppose the only thing I can say is that I truly regret knowing you. whether you're close to me now or whatever...I wouldn't know. you're that good, I'll give you that. but you'll never know true friendship.
I'm sort of responding to these spammers like a kid would when he's angry...but this is the last time I'm doing this. for the rest of this last post, you shall see who I am.
BLAH-, that's true. haiz. well, I've changed. haven't you? I don't know. I guess I'm not actually into the sort of thing, but it's pretty fun, if I want to be honest. Doesn't mean it means anything, but I guess the way I do things nowadays just seems so convincing because the truth is, sometimes I would wanna be that way. I'd like to yell 'chiobu!' at some hot babe and mean it, just for the sake of saying it. fun, and yet not always harmless..it's wrong, I guess. maybe you do it, maybe you don't. i don;'t know..but I only do it here cuz people don't actually see me doing it for real? =) shucks. you'll never know anyway...this is my last post, and the best part? I'm not coming back to read your reply. guess I get the last say after all, huh?
BLAH 2- I can honestly apologize. It kinda hurts when I look back on my life and see how much I've changed. there has been so many situations..where i've had to change in order to save someone else. be a little worse in character, a little selfish. but I haven't just been selfless..these acts changed me so that I could save other people instead (although I admit that some of those acts, were completely out of line, and also to save myself, but does that make me selfish. does wanting to care for myself make me selfish or just not selfless? there'sa huge difference) so doesn't that count as not being selfish. well, it's up to you to decide. I'm sorry you see it that way..
I don't know about the 'luke you once knew' but whatever competition you came for in the afternoon, I hope it wasn't softball.
yawns*
I don't know him. he probably hated the way he was. maybe people liked him more, but he was always suffering for someone else.
for me, I wanted to live a little more for myself. that doesn't make me selfish. that makes me less selfless. i don't know.
I'm tired of arguing..
just watch the way I live...instead of the way I write.
Good bye.
Luke Ho